Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi

I am 28 years old and have been married for 5 years and also have a 1 yr old. I stay in a joint family and my un married SIL who is of my age. My Inlaws are old fashioned and want her to get marriede in the arranged way. But my SIL is against it and repeeatedly (twice) falls in love with a boy from other caste. Though my hubby and i are OK with it my Ilaws are against it . so to take revenge my SIL is refusing to get married to any body as she says she wants to get married only with parents consent which is having the cake and eat it too. the end result is that she irritates all and the atmosp[here at home is gloomy with people fighting or crying all the time. This has put a damper on my happiness as MIL gets angry and takes out on me and says all kinds of things. I keep quiet thinkin that this is a way she is taking her fustration but for how long..have tried talking to her but of no avail. she cribs the whole day.. if my hubby and i go out she puts a long face saying when will i seee my daughter like this. same goes for any functiion or puja or whatever. Its so depressing to stay at home. its like we cant stay happy ever.She keeps irritationg my husband all the time. She also pampers her daughter-SIL like a 1 year old coz she thinks by doing that she may come around so we have to basically wait on her hand and leg and she wqont lift a finger!!!!
any suggestions to solve the problem
thanx
angry Leena replied. As I was reading thru' the lines I have seen and heard of an exact similar story and believe me you are 28 this story is of my mom. So its a generation earlier bcos now i'm 28. My aunt's marraige took 7 yrs after by parents marraige and it was a hell for my mother. I know it was not my aunt's fault and my father was doing the groom-search the Indian way as they did'nt have father(my grandfather). So my father had to shoulder her marraige responsibilty. My grandmother would make a long face if my parents wanted to go for parties or picnics. She would say they should have all fun when her marraige is done. But we came along and after children are born a couple cannot enjoy all that lot.
Believe me get your husband out of the house & don't waste your precious time of life for your SIL and in-laws. They are NOT AT ALL worth it. My grandmother does'nt even remotely mention that my mother also suffered bcos my father was wasting holidays and weekends doing all groom-search when he should spend time with his wife and kids. Most of the (99%)indian in-laws are not worth the time DILs put with their whims, food habits and re-learning all things new again in life. Also it your in-laws \";responsiblity\"; as parents to get their daughter married and not you and your hubby. These same ppl will make you hear this word when you ask them for babysitting - \";responsibilty\";.MOVE OUT is my strong advice and let them do whatever they want - its none of your business. doc replied. Hi Dear
There is always a solution to every thing for if a problem has come solution comes on its own
See ur SIL wants her way she wants to get married according to her choice i dont see there is any problem in that how ever ur inlaws are conservative . but u being the dil of the house can convince ur mil slowly that her point is not wrong if u ur self are first convinced about the fact that the boy she has fallen in love is genuine.
U even mentioned that ur terms wiht ur in laws are good try to sit with ur mil and talk generally about todays genration and above all let ur sil decide at 28 she is matured enough to decide what she wants in life.
try to understand her that u 2 are of the same age and u r married and have a kid . she must be feeling insecured about her own self that she should have been married and isnt. by u also getting irritaed and getting annoyed things wont work.
Instead u got to understand her.
u have a husband a nd a kid and she doesnt so there r chances that she is getting frustrated . Im sure once she gets engaged also things will become different
But ur inlaws should start thinking for her marraiage soon for it is alreday too late. by the way u didnt mention if she is working a professional or is at home ?
try helping her wiht her problem , ull find that shell start confiding in you and beeing your good friend!
take care
doc angry replied. Dear concerned

have etried persuading my husband to change jobs and stay seperately but he is absolutely against it.My inlaws plan to keep my SIL from marriage and with us forever..SIL has agreed to this too
Its going to be permanent misery!!!
Help
angry concerned replied. if i were you i would consider living seperate. could you convince your husband to work somewhere out of the city you are presently residing in, he must not be much older than you are.your m'inlaw's behavior will not change. in every walk of life for some reason or the other she will take out the anger on you .leave your s'inlaw to her own thinking afterall it's between she & her parents. you are still a young mother. living apart will only make it easier for you to be the best mother & wife. but living in turmoil will bring out the worst in you in years to come. i lived in a joint family with such similar problems.through our childhood we landed up taking sides, growing up into confused individuals. it's sometimes hard to understand my mother in so many ways. but i guess when you go through the years of your life having to bring up kids, be a good wife with pressure from someone constanly making life more difficult for you... i don't say there are only unhappy joint families. i'm sure there must be quite a few who are truly understanding with each other.my sister and i both are blessed with equally nice inlaws. but they live away from us & distance does make the heart grow fonder.