Relationships  Discussion Forum

I am marries for 2 yrs with one 7 mth old baby.Mine was luv marriage it happened after much difficulties.My husband was confused abt marriage wen he was boyfriend becoz of his mother or horoscope mismatch etc..so i went for engagement with a boy of my parents choice.But after it he realised he can' t live without me so he went against everybody n after 3 mths of trying he convinced me to marry him.so my engagement broke(i don' t regret for that as i didn,t liked that guy after talking on phone).

My problem is that my mil is very possesive abt his son n son loves him alot as she has created a bad image of my fil in front of him.i also feel he is a diplomat.fil never gave money to spend her.My mil hates me as his son loves me lot.He took gud care of me in pregancy, he always supports me in front of them..he is very romantic..totally he is very good husband wen i compare with others.
But wen it comes his mother he forgets me..she is very diplomat she knws his weakness.In front of him he is gud but in his back she keep on nagging things..say things to me indirectly..she irrates me to d core...infact wen she came to live with for 2 mths after my pregnancy i went into post natal depression. i use to cry alone because of her.bus kuch na kuch sunati rehna..try to prove i am gud for nothing n look stupid n she is smart.
wen i discuss this with my hubby he listens to me n agrees with me that she is doing wrong.i will discuss this with his sis as she is considered to be smart in our house but i doubt abt her view as she is beti.after listening to me in those days he use to behave very normal n pleasant with my mil.infact he bought gold n diamond for her n tries to please her in every manner, ignoring me.
he says they did so much for me n now this is my trun.i believe they r using him.they never spend a penny wen they visit us n mil tries to buy everything from here.
now after leaving them i discussed her mothers behaviour with him he listens to me but after one point he gets angry that u r making my life hell( i knw he is facing some problem at off)..u fights with me..he starts shouting while i keep mum..
it happend 2 times he beated me..pulling my hairs, throwing me on bed..he says i will do suicide after doing so..u made me so angry to do..he cries try to hurt himself..n above all keep telling him that he will do suicide..i am so scared becoz of this i had never discussed this with anybody.next he will say sorry try to do things to patch up.after this he is very good to me. but somewhr something is broken between us i don' t feel closeness with him anymore.i knw he also feels that n feel really bad at times.
he feel i saw a diff man in him in that day he is not that person with whom i marry going against everybody.he loves my baby a lot.i also luv him n truth is i can' t live without him bus at that time feel like running frm him.i feel in future he will do same n i feel i will take divorce .
ppl think us as perfect couples n my mil is jealous y he cares for me so much.
Did anybody faced situation like this i feel insulted everyday wen i recalls those days.
hope2help replied. What your husband has done is called comestic violence... Domestic violence should not happen to anybody. Ever!!!! Despite what many people believe, domestic violence is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his behavior. In fact, violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to take control over his wife or partner.

Reasons we know an abuser' s behaviors are not about anger and rage:
*He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.
*If you ask an abused woman, \" can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?\" She will say \" yes\" . Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly \" out of control\" he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.
*The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were \" out of control\" or \" in a rage\" he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.

In addition to physical violence, abusers use the following tactics to exert power over their wives or partners:

Dominance — Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his possession.
Humiliation — An abuser will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself, or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you' re worthless and that no one else will want you, you' re less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
Isolation — In order to increase your dependence on him, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. Source: Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, MN
Threats — Abusers commonly use threats to keep their victims from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
Intimidation — Your abuser may use a variety of intimation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don' t obey, there will be violent consequences.
Denial and blame — Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abuser may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly shift the responsibility onto you: Somehow, his violence and abuse is your fault.

Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

Abuse — The abuser lashes out with aggressive or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show the victim \" who is boss.\"
Guilt — After the abusive episode, the abuser feels guilt, but not over what he' s done to the victim. The guilt is over the possibility of being caught and facing consequences.
Rationalization or excuses — The abuser rationalizes what he' s done. He may come up with a string of excuses or blame the victim for his own abusive behavior—anything to shift responsibility from himself.
\" Normal\" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.

A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, \" I' m sorry for hurting you.\" What he does not say is, \" Because I might get caught.\" He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is is to blame. He tells her \" If you had not said/done that I wouldn' t have to hit you.\" He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again.

Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are real.

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to physical violence and even murder. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. No one deserves this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

I am not suggesting you should end the relationship but something should be done... Once is one too many times! No one has the right to hurt another person, least of all their wife! If you live with someone who abuses you or if someone is stalking you, you need to take immediate measures to protect yourself. You’re in extra danger if your abuser or stalker talks about murder or suicide. You’re also in particular danger if you are thinking about leaving an abusive relationship.

If you’re still living with your abusive partner:
Know your abuser’s red flags. Be on alert for signs and clues that your abuser is getting upset and may explode in anger or violence. Come up with several believable reasons you can use to leave the house (both during the day and at night) if you sense trouble brewing.
Identify safe areas of the house. Know where to go if your abuser attacks or an argument starts. Avoid small, enclosed spaces without exits (such as closets or bathrooms) or rooms with weapons (such as the kitchen). If possible, head for a room with a phone and an outside door or window.
Be prepared to leave at a moment’s notice. Keep the car fueled up and facing the driveway exit, with the driver’s door unlocked. Hide a spare car key where you can get it quickly. Have emergency cash, clothing, and important phone numbers and documents stashed in a safe place (at a friend’s house, for example).
Practice escaping quickly and safely. Rehearse your escape plan so you know exactly what to do if under attack from your abuser. If you have children, have them practice the escape plan also.
Come up with a code word. Establish a word, phrase, or signal you can use to let your children, friends, neighbors, or co-workers know that you’re in danger and the police should be called.
Make and memorize a list of emergency contacts. Ask several trusted individuals if you can contact them if you need a ride, a place to stay, or help contacting the police. Memorize the numbers of your emergency contacts, local shelter, and domestic violence hotline.
Keep change and cash on you at all times. Know where the nearest public phone is located, and have change available so you can use it in an emergency situation to call for help. Also try to keep cash on hand for cab fare.
Additionally, to keep yourself safe from domestic abuse and violence you should document all abuse. If you’ve been injured, take photographs. If you have been abused in front of others, ask witnesses to write down what they saw. Finally, don’t hesitate to call the police if your abuser has hurt you or broken the law. Contact the police even if you just think your abuser might have broken a law. Assaulting you, stealing from you, and destroying your property are all crimes.

______________________________
Domestic Violence Escape Kit
Pack a survival kit.

*Money for cab fare
*A change of clothes
*Extra house and car keys
*Birth certificates
*Driver’s license or passport
*Medications and copies of prescriptions
*Insurance information
*Checkbook
*Credit cards
*Legal documents such as separation agreements and protection orders
*Address books
*Valuable jewelry
*Papers that show jointly owned assets
Conceal it in the home or leave it with a trusted neighbor, friend, or relative. Important papers can also be left in a bank deposit box. Srey replied. Omg...That is something. Sorry to hear about your situation. I am not in your shoes, but I can imagine what you must be going through.

One Minute the Guy is so nice and one minute he is this evil abusive person. You said that this happens to you twice. OMG, That means he have some Anger issues. Does he know that he have an anger problem? gg replied. i agree with what charu told u...stop telling him about his mother..coz acc to husbands their mothers will never do such a thing...my hubsnad is diff in this case...he is very understanding he knows very well how his mother is ..but he will never tell her anything...at the end of the day even though he know s it was not my fault my mil has cooked up story still he use to tell me to touch her feet n apologise.....now after 2 yers of mrrg he has stopped doing that...

but anyhow...whetther by way of fighting or nicely tell make ur husband stop hitting u ..it is very bad...once that respect is gone from ur relation then it will take hardly any time for the love to go...coz if he hits u that means he doesnt care for u...after sometime he will be least bothered baout ur emotional needs...u too will stop reapecting him if he continues this...dont take it.... sweety replied. the same had happened to my own mother, NO CRAZY ITS NOT NORMAL TO GET BEAT, same story of MIL and all. Don' t take that crap. When he tries to reconcile or tries to hit you, you must tell him that \" there are other ways to tell me what I am doing wrong, don' t abuse me\"
When it happened to my mom, my cousin called my nani and we went to live with her for three months, then dad came back and promised to never ever do that. Now its been a good 30 years and they are very close to each other and even if they have small arguements here and there it lasts only for five minutes. Its a matter of you making yoru husband understand he is wrong. If he threatens suicide, tell him thats not necessary, Lets talk!

Hope this helps charu replied. Hi same story here ours was luv marriage but has gone through all these phases and sometimes it is still going on
all bcoz due to my mother earlier and when my father in law passed away my mom in law came to stay with us.
he thinks that his mother is some kind of devi and we are faulters.
i am unable to say anything against her bcoz he gets fit of rage and starts hitting few times.i feel i shud leave him and so earn high salary can support myself but only thinking of my 2 year daughter i step back as he is good father to her.
now i have literally stopped saying him about his mother and just think may be its life and my deeds which are punished.
and may be its a phase it will pass by
do not worry at all one day all these things will be meaingless
stay calm talk to him nicely stop cribbing and concentrate on ur child bewildered replied. What in the world makes you think physical abuse in normal?
Have you been watching animal planet too much?