Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi saheli are u back? I read somewhere you were out of town and back now. I have a serious problem and want to ask you about it as now only one I can truast and look at is you i am just too sad. This bord is for joint famly i know but wantd to reach you. Saheli I think my hubby is involved in an affair with another woman. I am not sure but dont know what to do. Thinking about it makes me cry. What should I do? Please help. Saheli replied. You two are absolutely right. Thats why I have mentioned two imp points that my views are different in this matter, and my point of view is difficult to implement but not impossible. It needs a strong heart, and needs to change the way we look at things.

If I assume myself as a neutral friend of my partner ... say like a guy who is a friend of my hubby ... or assume the way we as girls were friends before marriage .. or the way boys are friends of each other before marriage ... what would they suggest a friend who is having an affair? At that time, we have supported our friends.

Now after marriage, ethically its not right to get involved with other person (lets leave that topic for a while) .. but I am still trying to be a similar friend of my partner. And as a true friend, I would not stop my partner, not yell ... but rather communicate openly, and help him work on it and put an end to it.
I know it sounds stupid to suggest someone to let his partner sleep with someone else! I am Not suggesting that! I am suggesting not to yell or nag or restrict .. and be nitpicking .. and extremely suspicious and make his life hell ...
.. dont do that.

And I have seen a couple of live examples in my life where woman have actually been like that! It has worked for them, not only their hubbies returned, but also strengthened their bonds and increased respect of hubbies for them. toosad replied. Valuable points but yes are difficult to imlpement. I will think and try my best and let you all know. Thanks dear you are a sweetheart. Saheli replied. Thanks dear. I am glad you have already started understanding what I meant to say.
Now, let me first tell you how do I think about these things and then my opinion on what you can do. As I always say .. what I see and know about you is little. You are there and you know it best, so think and take your decisions wisely.
There are many reasons for such infedeilty. At times, there is a reason .. at times there is no reason. The person just gets attracted and caried away. May be likes the newsness. And this is applicable to both males and females. I dont want to go around finding out who is right/wrong .. dont want to play the blame game.

Now here' s about my opinion in such matter. I tried to look for an answer by putting myself in your shoes. It did hurt, and I felt bad, sad.
But then I looked at it from another point of view. Most times, it is temporary .. people generally dont go too far and break the current marriage.
So all that wd happen ws .. may be he wd go around with her .. max he wd sleep with her. Right?
Alright. Now this point is hard to accept ... but if we take the physical part not too seriously, may be it wont hurt as that much.
What I mean to say is ... it about what importance we give to being physical ... and try and separate sex and emotions.
This is hard, but not impossible.
In a rough rude tone, I can put this as \" so what if he sleeps with her.\" In these modern times, many people dont mind marrying a person who had affair/affairs earlier.
Thats why I was asking you how modern your thoughts are.

The way I see this is ..
If someone wants to go \" out\" , he/she will go. If you try to stop or pull back, if you create scenes, yell at him ... he will hide it from you and still do it. Also because, while he is doing all this, he is also justifying it to himself that \" i am not wrong, what do i do if my wife doesnt love me nor makes love\" . And added to it now if the wife nags him he will think \" no love and now these fights ... i really need a friend outside\" .
At the end, you wd be made a fool.

And yet, most probably he wont break the current marriage and return to his family after he has had enough out of the affair .. or may be let it go along with marriage, but not leave his family.

What I mean to say is, he will return.
So as the old saying goes \" if you love someone, set him free. If he returns, he' s yours. If he doesnt, he never was\" .

First of all, you should try and work out on the things you think are making him look out. Give him time, be more loving and caring. Get a makeover, take care of ur looks ... start being more romantic and sensual. After havign a baby, it takes time for the female to get back to her natural sexual harmonal level .. thats natural. Make him read an dknow about the changes that go in a woman' s body. Let him know you are working on it. See if watching romantic or any other movies helps you. See if you want to watch with hubby. Plan for an outing .. just three of you. Be creative and use ideas like candles, flowers, roses, some new nice attractive clothes .. to make him happy. Go slow on trying out new ideas. Read sex related books and try to be more innovative.

And in all this, also be loving, caring.Stop nagging. Be a good friend. Talk what he likes to hear.

and .. DONT talk about his affair. No question at all, during the time you are making above efforts. No mention, no nagging, no suspicion.

Just a pure attmpt to win him back.

Draw a longer line to make the other line shorter.

And you dont hv much time to do all this. He is getting closer to her. So, you also need to be clever and keep an eye on him without letting him know.

Once you are settled with him, talk to him coolly and ask him about her.
Once you talk about it, he will be alarmed and hide things from u.

In your place, I would prefer to know about his affair and assure him that I am not stopping him. Would rather be his friend and support him, rather than being old fashioned wife and yell and nag.

If you agree to this, you will need to assure him about this. He wont believe you at first, but its upto u how to do that. Its hard, not easy. But not impossible.

You will have to actually do something like this \" you love her? go ahead .. just make sure it doesnt impact her and our marriage. And make sure you use protection! Let me know when you are meeting her so that I can tell you what to dress up and what looks good on you\" . Ofcourse, he wont tell you ! :-) But stop asking him too much, show you are not bothered, and show him u r happy even after that!! Show him you still love him, show him you wont do wht he has done.

Men dont like nagging wives ... if she is a friend .. they like it more.

You letting him \" go\" ... will not only make him feel guilty, will increase his respect for you. And will make him come back.

I feel that I would rather prefer to know if my partner is going around with someone, than being ignorant and befooled. What would hurt me more is making a fool of me, lieing to me, than my partner actually being with someone.

I think - accepting that my partner has already \" gone out\" .. there' s no use banging heads .. rather accept it ... not give important to physical stuff and rather concentrate on love and life we are going to share - makes more sense to me. If I love him and want to spend my life with him .. and I am sure he has come back to me.. I dont gv imprtance to his being physical with someone. The love and feelings matter more to me. And yes, my self-esteem too. I wont let go things that hurt my esteem.

What do you think? toosad replied. Thanks Saheli and Pooja.
Saheli your questions were like an eyeopener for me. I have already got answer to my doubts it seems but want to know more. I am a software engineer working in IT firm in blore. I am a mix of east and west culture. We are modern but not ultramodern. I love my hubby very much and I am very posesive about him. Ours is a love marriage and like every marriage is has its ups and downs. Love life was better before the baby but has gone down then as I have got more busy now. He helps but still the moms duty is always more. Sex life has also gone down to may be once a week or twice-thrice a month. He complains but I am tired at times and also dont have the interest as such. He was my boyfriend before marriage and we were physically quite close then. I dont mind such things, I have open thoughts. I am lucky to get married to the one I loved. He is a very nice person otherwise.
I am not sure if he has an affair but I have a doubt. He was telling me about one of his female friends couple of months ago. Now he does not tell too much about her but I once noticed his mailbox and saw there were a number of emails from her. I didnt read the mails I just saw his mail list and saw there were many from her. I havent talked anything to him about her but I have notcied he now complains less about my not giving him more time or not indulging in sex.
Your question about why would anybody look out of marriage really made me think. We always believe husband is at fault. I may be the reason for that but saheli isnt that a very big punishment for my small mistake?
I want to know your views and need your guidance in this matter please. I am tensed and lost and my mind doesnt seem to be working. You say you have different views in such matters but I want to know. I want my hubby back as this is ruining my life. Please help. Saheli replied. Yup, I was travelling, just returned.

Dear ' toosad' I need some more information from you on the problem you have mentioned. (And for God' s sake, please stop calling yourself with this name toosad. Why be sad when you havent done anything wrong?)

I need to know why do you think your hubby is having an affair .. have you found it out? Or just a doubt? Have you guys talked anything about it? Has he given indications? So tell me all about it.

Secondly, please be neutral and tell me how your love life with him is. When I say love life, I mean both love and sex life. I also want to know your views about your life together, and his views that he has been expressing to you.

Thirdly, I want to know more about you .. your background, education, if you are a working person, kids. If yours was alove marriage. How would you put yourself .. conservative and believing in old traditions, mix of east-west .. or believe more in western culture?
How ' modern' do you think you guys are as compared to Indian metros today?

Also tell me, in general, what are your thoughts about affair before marriage, about having sex before marriage, about having more than one boyfriend/girlfriend before marriage (may be even due to circumstances).

Also tell me your views on why a person .. be hubby or wife .. lookout for a companion outside marriage. And if that' s happening, is there anybody at fault? And what should ideally be done to prevent it?

Toosad, I would like to make clear one more thing before I try annd attempt to address your q. I have a right to have my opinions about such issues .. and my views may be little different than normally people believe. I just want to make it clear that you may feel my opinion on this matter kind of \" different\" and not really appealing. Fair enough! I am just gonna put my views and leave the rest to you.

Please think rational, think big picture, and decide what you think is right.

Lemme know ..
Saheli pooja replied. Hi,

Its really very sad to know.
But i think you are not very sure that whether ur dh is having an affair or not.
If you ask him directly then he might not accept.
Just notice his activities for few days.
Like how he is with you at home and in bed.
Does he come home late.
Give surprise visit at his office.
If he is on call for a long time then try to listen what he is talking.Take a note of the number from his cell where he called.Then try that number later.
On weekends is he with you and if not then ask him where he goes.
He might mention that he is either going to see some friend or office. After he leaves try calling on the ofc or his friends house.

If all these signs are positive then with all proof in ur hand ask him about his affair.
If he does not agree only then u show him all the proof.

Let us know what happens then and we will decide on what needs to be done next.
I heartly hope that all these signs turn out to be negative.
I can understand how painful it will be for you to go through all this.

take care.