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Hi Ritika,Srey,gg and many helping friends,Iam feeling very low today.I feel exhausted and tired.May be it is the state that I have done to myself.It is always giving and giving.Iam very tired.Today my MIL announced that my SIL' s(Nanand' s)children are coming from Canada so we ought to buy good gifts for them and organise a party for their mother whose B' day is coming shortly.Incidentally my B' day too falls on the same day but there was no mention of it.Just now my SIL(jethani)walked out fully decked with her kids with no hassles in life at all.All our relatives too talk big of her,they call her for some functions excluding me.They would plainly say we thought you were not at home so we disnt come to meet you.I dont know if Iam expecting more.I do a lot at my parents place too,I know they need me both my parents do not keep well I do my best for them but somewhere I feel they too take me for granted,I dont know if Iam right or wrong but I feel that Iam bogged down with so many things.Right now Iam crying and I was desperate to talk to someone.Though my parents esp my mother knows the state Iam going thru but she wouldnt dare say something to my inlaws.Inspite of so many hassles I do everthing possible for everyone.Right now Iam not in a position to even talk to my kid.My husband says that you go out,make friends etc. etc. but I dont find anyone who can feel the agony.people are too busy with their happy lives.I have developed health problems too.I dont want to live.Iam so tired.sorry friends but I had to vent out my feelings.If you feel like please answer. gg replied. dear geeta, others maybe symp with u but i am angry...
y are u so much depended on ur mil n sil even to be happy..!
happiness lies withing ur self..kindly go thru my msgs u will learn what all difficulties i went thru still touchwood i always tried to be happy ...i am sound very rud e but hink u dont have any confidence in u...may b life after mrrg has become so bad for u ...but u have to come out of it...n god will def show u way whn he sees u crying...
ur realatives dont gv ur imp ...telll me y they will gv u imp?
u must be always busy like a maid...n u hv to make attempt to make realtion with ur realtives...eg, u share 2 jokes with some1 make some 1 laugh ..then they will share 1 joke with u....
i am not able to right it prop ..coz i hv some work ...i will come back to u ..in few hours time... Ritika replied. Dear Geeta,

You sound so depressed dear girl and I' m feeling so bad for you! *hugz* Could you get a checkup done by a good doctor and rule out medical depression..I' m just suggesting this because of the words you have used like \" no will to live\" etc.

Sorry I wasn' t able to reply to your previous mail (in the other thread) where you asked about how to become more confident and less of a doormat.

I' ll come to that but first let me say that I agree with Srey...you need some time out. Immediately. For yourself and just yourself.

Start the day by thinking about what you can do for yourself today and carry those thoughts out.

Your husband has a good suggestion that you should go out..I' ll just add to it by saying that you have a friend right there in front of you - your husband! Go out with just your husband for a movie and then dinner/lunch (or vice versa) this weekend.

Do not talk about MIL or SIL or anything remotely depressing. Talk about what does he want to do with his life or in his future, your own dreams and hopes, or if that is too heavy then just some fun stuff...

Coming back to your MIL and your inability to stand up to her.

I think you have become so used to not speaking up that now you have forgotten how to do it.

Let me tell you one thing - keeping qiet and suffering injustice is NOT a virtue. To keep giving and giving when nobody appreciates it and you develop emotional and health problems because of all the bitterness that is building up inside you is also NOT a virtue.

One analogy I could think of was the India China was of 1965. Have you read history? Do you remember it? Our dear PM Nehru had gone about saying \" hindi chini bhai bhai\" for months inspite of clear evidence that the Chinese were enroaching on our territory. The border soldiers were not given enough ammunition, winter clothes or food to last through the bitter winter months, inspite of the army desperately asking for these things. Nehru kept on saying how India is a great nation and has never harmed anybody and why will China attack it. Why indeed? Why was India attacked? It was because it was perceived as weak. Because Nehru projected an image of India that it would not fight back that Chinese took advantage. Goodness in a nation or a human being is good. But you should be strong enough to defend that goodness. Defending oneself is different from attacking someone. There is a difference.

You are not speaking up because somewhere in your mind you are thinking that it would be a wrong thing to do. Some part of your brain is telling you that it is not what a \" good\" person does or what a cultured person does.

I want you to talk back to this part of yourself and overcome it. Talk to yourself and tell yourself that \" I' m going to protect myself from hurt. And that it is a good thing\" , \" I' m going to speak up today and make my life a little better\" etc etc.

Set yourself some goals. Some small achievable ones. E.g. going out in the morning for a long walk.

The wording of the affirmation is very important. It is always better to declare a statement in a positive sense instead of the negative. So \" I' m going to exercise every morning for 30 minutes\" is better and more achievable.

I want to repeat again - it is NOT a virtue that you stay quiet and absorb all the insults and abuse that other people heap on you. You might have been raised that way and hence are finding it difficult to raise your voice or find your self esteem.

You do not need to be rude, but you can be stubborn about not doing some stuff.

As Srey said, leave the house dirty. Stop carrying the load for everybody.
If MIL shouts then tell her that you are not feeling well and leave the room..walk inside your room and read a book or walk out the door and go for a nice invigorating walk.

When your MIL tells you to have a party for your SIL, tell her that \" mere birthday ka to kisi ko dhyaan nahi.Usko to aap bhool hi gayi hain\" .

Until you let people know that you have noticed their selfishness, they will never acknowledge it themselves.

As for the birthday party - tell your husband to give one for you and your SIL together. All of you can go out to a medium priced restaurant. You DO NOT need to stress yourself over this.

I had a hostel roommate once who used to be very bossy. I was new to being away from my family and this girl was a pro. She would keep giving me orders like \" toast the bread for me\" , \" iron my suit for me\" , \" pls keep these beggies in the fridge\" (when she would be standing right next to the said veggies and the fridge), \" cut the onion like this, you are not doing it the right way\" , \" change your dress..its not looking very nice\" etc etc...after taking it in for a couple of months, I stopped listening to her. When she asked me to do things, I started to just look at her and say softly but firmly, \" why don' t you do it\" or \" I think this dress is fine. In fact I think you should change your dress. You look better in the other one\" . She hated it. :)

My point is that you need not shout and scream to make your voice heard. You can be firm in your voice and action. And it will be more effective.

Look at your body language...tuck in your stomach, stand tall and proud..look at yourself in the mirror. Try smiling. Even if you don' t feel like it.

Make some goals for yourself and imagine yourself achieving them. Then try to work towards reaching that image in reality.

I just wrote all this without pausing so some of teh thoughts might be half baked...sorry about that..I' ll come back later and write better...

But all I really want to say is that you have the solution to your problems in your own two hands.

Do not wait for your husband, your mother or anybody else to help you. God helps those who help themselves.

Make a start today and start questioning people around you who have been taking you for granted for so long. If you do not have the courage to do that in one day, then start going out more often...if you are not in the house then nobody can tell you what to do and what not to do.

The goal of life is to be happy. It is not to cook for 10 people every day. It is not to keep the cleanest house on the block.

You have been looking for happiness from others...You need to start looking for happiness inside you.

Your name reminds me of the movie Seeta aur Geeta. Learn to be like the Geeta of that movie..:)

Do post back..and this time we want to hear what all you actually did to get out of your depression. :)

love and hugs,
Ritika




Srey replied. Hello,
Awww sorry to hear. You sound so drained out!!! Honestly, I would be too. Heck, I would become this nasty person if I am too tired. Trust me....I don' t think you want to be near me or even see me. My eyes would have these dark circles(I look like a monster!) *giggles*

Gotta be tough Geeta. How? for one thing, leave the house dirty. You are too tired and that is that. Be firm and if the members of your house cry about it. Just go ahead and ignore them. Or tell them you will clean once you have something to eat.

Btw, just come to this site more often. Well, you know me. I am such a nosy person. So, if you need to talk I am here. *hugs*

As for Your B-day. Is there anyway you can at least tell your hubby? tell him to pass on the message. Let it be known that his wife(You) are turning (blank) Yrs old soon.

Anyway, reading your thread, you just need a relaxing day at the spa. How about it, me and you. Lets go and celebrate your upcoming B-day? Oh, bring the kid too. *smiles*

Hope you feel better. *hugs* Payal replied. I read this on this forum only , some one wrote \" NIRLAJJ SADAA SUKHI\" .(Shameless ppl r always Happy) How true..... i tried it myself n m happier n calmer. u know what tomm was a party at our home. i stay with ilaws n i m the only dil they have. I have slogged a lot even after coming back fr full time office work for their previous parties which extend late nights n i would have office the next day. I was always cooking, serving, putting away utensils etc etc but tomm for the first time i decided to act different. I said i m not feeling well today after coming back from work...i talked nicely with all the guests n rested n relaxed myself. that had put mil back to senses n shez roaming ard with a long face coz i didnt do kitchen work this time for the parties they keep hosting. i m sure she will think twice before hosting a party again coz she cannt expect help from me now onwards. n for me it was gr8 , my hubby was happy to see me smiling n happy on the day of party, otherwise i was always irritated while doing so much party work. Become shameless n do not follow each n every task assigned to you. coz i see from ur posts that things r assigned to u by default while others r making merry. What r u waiting for n why so much tension abt what all u r being ordered to do? Its up to u to do that or not do that. B M replied. Dear Geeta,

Dont get so update. If God presents us with sad situation He also gives us the courage to go through them n remain calm n happy even in trying n tricky situations. I read before in ur posts that u feel nervous before saying no to anyone n whether willing or not u keep serving other ppl. see, u r at fault but its curable. Ever seen a baby learning to walk own her own feet ? baby crawls first, fells down a lot, gets hurt sometimes but then once he learns he walks on her own throught life...same with us adults. if u always hesitate saying no, ur legs shake while act opposite to what u r told then make an effort..u ll have to learn it for urself. its easy..so many of us r doing it n we r fine now.so will u be. why dnt u get decked up n wak to somewhere with ur kid too. if ur mil directly asks u to make arrangements for the party..tell her that u r not feeling well n need rest. thats it. no need to feel guilty abt it.simple. take ur hubby into confidence..tell him that its very difficult to you to cater to ervery demand ppl make. so u wnt be doing the hard work for the gift buying n party planning. u should be excused this time. dnt expect ur hubby to take ur side openly infront of mil. u ll have to do it urself. we all do that. u can do it too.. with time it will become ur habit to stand up for urself. all the best. its fine to feel depressed n sad but make sure that this phase gives u enough strength to become stronger n more self respecting. all the best. please put ur foot down this time.