Relationships  Discussion Forum

Dear All,

I have been reading posts on this site for quite sometime and the immense response has motivated me to post my worry as well, hoping my unknown friends to help me out.

I am a working mother staying abroad, which basically means I need to do all household work ( cooking, shopping, cleaning, washing, ironing and also taking care of my 3 years old son).My IL' s visit us for 3 months every 6 months.

My problem is after I come from work I prepare the entire dinner ( right from scratch) but the moment my husband is coming home my MIL just comes and stands in the kitchen and then my husband thinks she is doing all cooking and then all the fight starts ( she starts saying I did this and that, I have told once that she did not do anything and then she started bit hungama saying that my Bahu says I am lying)......I have asked my MIL so many times to keep out of the kitchen but she is too diplomatic and it seems I am loosing in this.If I take a break to feed my son she says bacche ka bahana bana rahi hai, whereas I make sure dinner is served on time, it is none of her business what i do with my time.She is also quite interested in how much I earn.She just does not appreciate how much I am doing here and just cribs that her daughter has to do so much ( even though she is in India with maids for everything, she just cooks, no cleaning, washing ironing, bathing dresssing children etc etc).


How do I tackle this situation, at times I just feel sick of her. Ritika replied. Hi KR,

I assume when you say diplomatically (in the quoted message below), you mean with reference to your husband. That your husband should not take you otherwise. Is that right? Or do you mean that you want to be pleasant to your MIL and still tell her off?
\" Let us leave all other things apart.Can anyone please advise how to tackle an interfering, possessive, insecure and diplomatic MIL by not sounding rude.I mean how can I handle it diplomatically.
\"

love,
Ritika girl replied. Cook something nasty and let her have the crdit for it O) Ritika replied. Hi KR,

I think that your husband is very well aware of what you have cooked and what his mom has cooked.

Every person' s hand is different..I mean the way everyone makes food is different. Even if you are making aloo paratha, the taste is different when 2 diff. people make it...this has been my observation...

So, my advise would be not to worry too much about proving to your husband about how much you have worked and how much his mom has not. When he tastes the food, he will know automatically who did the main cooking.

You could also make dishes that your MIL is not that familiar with e.g. pasta etc.

Another thing you can do is when your MIL starts off saying that she did this and she did that, you can break in and say in a very positive voice, \" oh yes, mummy did help me a lot today...while I was making the main dish, she cut the veggies or she fried the masala today while I was struggling with the baby and cooking\" ..the impression and implication being that you were the main person doing anything, and your MIL had a small role to play.

As for her not appreciating you and cribbing about how much her daughter has to do - the next time she does that, cut right in and say, \" arre mummy, wahan kam se kam maids hain kaam karne ke liye. Usko sirf cooking karni padti hai. Mere kpo dekhiye - cooking, cleaning, laundry, working in office...sab akele hi karna padta hai...\" and then change the subject.

When you take a break to feed your son and she says ki bachche ka bahana kar rahi hai..tell her calmly and firmly \" apne bachche ko khilane ke liye mujhe kisi bahane ki zaroorat nahi hai...sab maa apne bachchon ko khilati hain...aapko bhi to abhi tak *take your husband' s name* ki fikar hai..\"

If she comments on your free time - just tell her \" aapko koi kaam ho to bataiye..mera aaj office mein bahut tough din gaya hai aur main bahut thaki hui hoon...\" . Then close your eyes and take a nap - or whatever it is that you want to do...

Last but not the least, 3 months every 6 months is too much, too often..lessen the frequency of her visits. 3 months in one year maybe...you' ll also get more chance to bond with your hubby and stabilize your relationship. Now because the visits are too soon and too long, the fights appear to be too frequent.

And try not to get provoked into a \" you did\" , \" I did\" match. She might be doing it deliberately to get sympathy from her son...Don' t play her game.


take care,
Ritika gg replied. she is only trying to show ur husband her imoprtance...that it...she is scared if u take her position in house then she will lose her importance ...she will put u down in fornt of other family mbrs..
the best let her do the work...infact u to join her by praising her ...tell every1 how helpful ur mil is...how nice she is...u spend ur free time with ur baby n husband,,,...
there is no other solution to htis prob...no use of breaking ur head in front of mil...its been 2 yers now even i dont know y mil bahave like this... Srey replied. What you will do....?

Nothing really. It just seemed that are an expert in Multi-tasking, that she is just extremely jealous of you.

I mean, why would anyone want to lie about cooking!? Sorry but, this is just totally childish of her. Almost seemed as if....she wants her son to know that she is The one that is better/best than you.

Not the case of course, you are the better one.

Don' t worry, just do what you have to do. As long as dinner is made and the house is clean- your hubby have no reason to argue with you. I am sure, he already knows how is mother is like. So, don' t stress. preeti replied. hi KR,

ur prob seems to be that MIL likes to show off abt how much shez doing work in ur household. she pretends n makes u sound like a lazy person infront of others. may be shez jealous of u coz u r earning well as well as managing ur household alone in an unknown country. may be shez insecure, she wants to put u down infront of her son so as to maintain that shez the best. may be she is just one of those ppl who like to create a mental/verval mess even in peaceful situations. what ever the case may be n how much frustating her behaviour may be, u should think with ur brain rather than ur heart to solve this situation. take ur hubby into confidence. after all he knows that u do manage everything n cook-serve food when inlaws r not with u . so set a boundary... have a talk with mil in presence of ur hubby n fil. make a rule that mil will not do household chorus (after all she only pretends that shez doing all ! ). make this rule n infront of others get her promise that she wont do cooking no matter however compelled she feels like doing so citing ur laziness etc etc. tell ur fil n hubby sweetly that u go n work outside too n still manage house work even when mil is not around.so let everybody allow u to follow ur own routine n that u dont like fights in the house coz of cooking all the time. get ur hubby' s support n make a rule. u dont have anything to loose as mil never actually helps u anyway. geeta replied. you are still lucky my MIL is worst a big politician abc replied. hi KR,
hats off to you for managing everything on your own.its bad that your MIL doesn' t appreciate it and try to help you rather than adding your burden.being a working mother in india with a 1&1/2 yr old baby,i know how difficult it will be.i have maids here for all household chores including cooking.still i find it hard to find enough time with the child with a 9-5 job.actually i could not accept a high paying job abroad just because i thouht it wont be easy for me to manage my house,baby and job without any outside help.so make your husband realise this and if your MIL is not helping you,ask your hubby to help you in house hold chores.
bye,take care.