Relationships  Discussion Forum

very good question u asked all of us...atleast we shared soemthing good...it also reminded about our husbands good qualities...also...
we had good time ..say light moments disussing this on the board...4 a change disussing boring mil...
i think if in laws are bad we can handle them by just ignoring..or giving them back..but if husbands dont support ur life becomes helpless...i rmbr my situation whn i was newly mrrd..even though my husband is good he realised it later that his mother is cooking stories about me...but whn he use to shout at me..i rmbr i use to feel so bad..miserable..so helpless..
by gods grace he realised this on his own..otherwise i wud hv commited suicide if my mrrg wud hv falied....
n for all others who hv prob with their husband.i hv learnt from my sil...4get everything...follow ur husband like like the dog of orange network...trust me i hv seen my sil doing htat ..he r husband is literally in her hands...coz of this my mil also is scared of her...
its very very imp to hv ur husband on ur side if u hv to deal with these people...
my bil use to love her ..but after mrrg coz of my mil ..she wud poison his ears..he use to hate her..also wanted to divorce her many times...my sil really really worked hard to get his love back..n she succeeded...n i like an fool spend my 2 years running after my in laws trying to win them i 4got my husband totally..if he doesnt take me out..or ignores me ..i am responsible...coz whn he use to stop me from going out of bdrm i use to say no..i want to cook..he use to ask me out i wud say no mil is not well who will do the work..n in the end i got nothing...husbands love is veyr very imp...i hv realised this late..but i promise myself now i will only concentrate on my husband n daughter n no onw else... Ritika replied. Dear Sonu,

This is in reply to your following questions -
\" Ritika, If you are reading this, One question for u? How many years been u r married? Were there any ups and down in ur life with him>? dont u have inlaws problems?How could u become managable !! Is this because ' u have problem solving skills' Or ' u dont have problems at all' ? \"

I' ve been married about 6 years. It was a love marriage. His parents were dead against the marriage because of caste issues (even though I' m from technically a higher caste). They relented after one year but his father never came to our marriage. His mom and some uncles/aunts came. My parents when they went to meet his parents didnt like them at all - because they were arrogant and rude to them. My mom said that the only reason she agreed for the marriage was because she knew that I would be staying away from them (in the US).

I had (and still have) MAJOR in-laws issues. After marriage, from wearing jeans and skirts, I had to wear sarees 24 hrs..and hear taunts and jeers all the time from MIL and FIL.

My MIL created loads of problems between my hubby and me by feeding lies to him about me. The first 6 months of my marriage were the most horrible. My husband believed his mom blindly and would not hear a word against her. He could not believe that his mom could be so rude or mean to me.

Every weekend, I would talk to her and she would reduce me to tears...after which my hubby would say \" she must have meant it well..you are just misinterpreting her words..or she didnt mean that..so just ignore what she said\" etc etc.

Then one day - I put her on speaker phone (without her knowledge). My hubby for the first time in his life saw his mom going from being extra sweet to him to being extra rude to me e.g. to a simple question from me - \" aap kaisi hai mummy\" , my MIL would reply in a really sarcastic tone- \" maharani itni door jakar baithi hain hum logon ko akele chod kar aur puch rahi hain ki hum kaise hai. Arre, hum maren ya jiyen, tumhe kya..tumko kya fikar\" etc.

When my hubby started listening to these words, he slowly started figuring out that his mom was not as innocent as she seemed to him and that she had a facet to her personality that he had not seen.

Then slowly he started defending me on the phone. I also started limiting my conversations to my MIL. Now I hardly talk to her. On my India visits, she invariably creates scenes and keeps blaming me for everything bad in her life. Now that my hubby supports me, I don' t feel the need to keep defending myself in front of her. The last time I asked her why always speaks in a karwa tone to me, she started crying and saying that I' m breaking her house and she was waiting for this day when I would do that..drive a wedge between mother and son..and that my parents have put me to it..and more such nonsense.

Luckily my house is in the same city, so after this natak, I left for my parents place and stayed there till the end of our vacation.

After we came back to US, I told my hubby that I will never ever go and stay with his parents again. He is ok with it. Even he was angry with them for behaving like that with me and told them so.

Before my pregnancy, she used to tell me in every conversation that why am I not getting pregnant, do I have a medical condition, she is feeling humiliated amongst her neighbors and family because after 4 yrs also, we do not have a child etc etc. After I became pregnant, she stopped asking about me or the baby. When she found out that it was girl, she totally stopped any contact. When my hubby called her from the delivery room to tell her the good news..she replied in a cold voice \" theek hai sun liya..ab phone rakho\" . She told my hubby' s other relatives that I have not yet had a baby and to the ones that did know, she said that \" itna halla karne ki koi zaroorat nahi hai..duniya mein koi pehla bachcha to nahi hai\" .

So yeah, I do have in-laws problems. :)

The way out is that I' ve stopped trying to be goody goody to her...don' t talk to her much...couldnt care less what she thinks of me..and she knows it.. :)

My hubby has changed after being with me so many years and seeing that I' m not like what his mom used to portray me as...

When we fight, I never ever let him go to sleep without a goodnight kiss. Even after our really bad fights, I would go to him, give him my good night kissi and then ada se turn away from him and go to bed. Most often than not, he would be fine in the morning.

I stopped talking to him about his parents and my parents. His mom had fed him so much against my parents also, that he has till date never stayed at my parents place for even one night.

After he told me 4 yrs back that my parents were trying to make him a ghar jamai (what the heck!), I promised to myself that I' ll never ever invite him to my parents house. So after so many years, he recently told me that he respects and admires my parents for still being so enthu in life and enjoying it. And why doesnt he stay for a few days with them the next time we go to India.. :)

So basically, the things that created top notch fights betwene us - talk of his parents and my parents - I' v ereduced to a minimum. If he has anything to say - I' ll listen, but rarely do I say anything against his mom or dad. When we go out shopping, I' ll buy gifts for them, but send it to them in my husband' s name. When his mom thanks him, he says that thank my wife, she chose and send it to you.

So that way he has gotten a good impression of me. I have always supported him - his dreams, his career aspirations..even if it meant tight finances for us for some time. I never stopped him from doing what he wanted.

I think over the years he' s realized that and appreciates that.

I think I' ve told you more than you wanted to know.. :) but sometimes thoughts are like that...they keep flowing...

Anyways...that' s all for now...:) gg replied. about this board...but we dont get chance to call...its been 2 days we hv not speoken to each other prop...coz mymil doesnt like us talking to eahc other at home w e behave liek strangers or some 1 who hate each other ..my mil' s starict warning to both of us not to speak or laugh ...but once we are in off ..we talk talk n talk ...if my mil comes t o know this she will gv us capital punishment..lol...we hardly get time talk..let s see....all i can tell u ...sh e is made of rock..super cool...highly mil taunts resistant...n lots of patience....i htink god has only givin her 2 ears one to listen other to trhow back...n other than she only loves loves n loves her hsuband....lol.. sonu replied. dear gg,
Actually ,You are correct. Whatever weakness he has, we have to love him deep from our heart. If my hubby read this post, guess what he says? ' u better spend time in some productive work than discussing love and marriage\" ! hope u got me :) !!

As for mine and my friends experiences, I believe strongly \" Men are from MARS and women are from VENUS\"
:) ! Dont u accept?

Ok, one question dear, we r being wiht him always and telling ' love u' often? do u ever get hurt if he is not doing same to u.Whether he too tell u often in words ' I love you' ?!

my hubby just shows in actions and I have to see he love me....but never utter \" I love you\" ...of course, he doesnt like saying it.) .He feel its childish... :) .he means love to be seen in actions ..he is little practical. So , I hesitate to say \" I love you\" . afraid if he feel I' m immatured\"

Is there any idea for making my hubby is like ur SIL ' s hubby that can n' joy the feel ' his wife loves him' ...then only there will be a value for my efforts !

Ritika, If you are reading this, One question for u? How many years been u r married? Were there any ups and down in ur life with him>? dont u have inlaws problems?How could u become managable !! Is this because ' u have problem solving skills' Or ' u dont have problems at all' ?



sonu replied. Namita,
Just out of insecurity feeling,You are down today .Actually nothing is serious about her. ..she cant do anything to ur relation ...

I experience manytimes this very feeling.

In my early married days ,I would have rated my hubby 10+ . He was that caring and loving...my neighbours were very admiring our relation...
But after 2yrs of marriage one big incident has been created by mil and my heart broken . I think even he lost love for me during those days ...and not able to regain back.I tried hard to forget those days when he couldnt stand up for me,Instead believed bad and madly in them...
Now he has changed and not encouraging complaints about me...Still I have insecurities deep inside me....So ,result is ' rating 5' in my own post. Or else, like Dd, I would have ignored the anger .Even my hubby behave little less when he is angry (leaves sarcastic comments, doesnt yell or shout) very similar behaviour with her hubby.Yes dear, When I read Dd' s post I found very similar behaviour makes me annoyed. Still she rated 9 ...but I rated 5 because these insecurities warn me to not to be over-confident on him...So I' m little tensed always....He always believe in her rules and norms...He believe in anything she cooks up without thinking logically....If I tell anything about them...definitely look aroung my talks though I' m honesta nd dont reallly tell my assumptions. I just tell only facts, still he blame...thinks mine are assumptions...ok, still I love him for his positives...and never ever get feel of seperation..Even he never had such feeling. Namita replied. y dnt u ask ur SIL to join this board ... i want to learn from her ... evn i do some mistakes and hence i m scare that my MIL will some b succeded in makin her son against me ... as u said in Sonu' s thread that \" ur MIL' s biggest dream of life is to see ur husaband hitting u\" same story is with me and MIL literally tells my husband that u r toooo linent with her ... she want my husband to scold me, abuse me, hit me .... she actually makes such comments to irritate him that i m under pressure that now he will behave same