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Friends just want to share this and want to know your opinion on this. Today i raised one issue in my family . Which was taken very negatively by everybody including my husband. Let me tell you about my family. I live in a joint family with MIL,FIL,husband,son and my self. I m working also. My FIL' s elder brother is ill(mentaly) since long but recently his problem flared up. So there is a talk in the male members of the family(among the brothers of my FIL and my husband' s cousins)(Female' s opinion seems not required here) about how to handle the situation and few propositions are that he can be put with one the bothers. My family(husband,FIL and MIL) proposed to bring him at our home. I felt that before proposing that it should have been discussed in the family which includes me also because it will be effecting my life also. I raised this point that i m not against the decision which was made but i think it should have been discussed in advance in family which includes me also and after that proposition should have been made. Everybody including my husband thinks that my point is wrong and i should have not raised it. And there were arguments and lectures. Was i wrong here. I still think i m not wrong. Bringing to a sick person who can not even move by himself and there are a lots of do' s and don' t associated we need to have a plan and arangements. I m not agaist helping people taking care of elders and helping relatives. The only thing is why it was not considered neccesary to ask my opinion on it. M i not the part of family. My MIL take on this is that when the male members are deciding on it female need not to consulted but she was very much part of it...Why not me then. Manee replied. Hi Friends,

Thanks you all for reading my concern and helping me out with your replies. I felt better. In fact i felt better after posting the issue which was bothering me. It was night and because of all the bulnder i made i was not able to sleep also.

Saheli, I agree that i overreacted that day I don' t know what trigger that off. I m not usually that kind of person. Still trying to find out the reason. Till now i could jeroed down two. ..:-) One is i was having my periods that time and during this i always have less control on myself. I feel more irritated and loose control very easily. 2. I have heared so many times from my MIL that his arrival at our home used to be nightmare for her so the anticipation of things made me worried.

I usually prefer to keep mum about the matters related to home because what ever i say, suggest,speak my MIL will try to find an issue with that and i m not able to bear it at times because i m not ready to accept that i am always wrong. I am considered to be a very matured and logical person elsewhere so how can i be always wrong in this house. I have discussed it many times with my hubby. He never addressed this issue. May be he thinks that it will be allright with time. Things will be ok. He loves me a lot. He supports me. In our life(Me,Hubby and Son) i have right to do whatever i want. But at home i don' t feel it is my home. Nothing happened there which is of my choice. I let it go most of the times thinking why should i bother anyway this is giving me less tension but somewhere inside it does not feel good.

But for this incident, i should have not reacted the way i did and i am praying everyday that he become allright otherwise i will feel guilty through out my life. But again it was not about to bring him down to our house it was about to discuss before proposing that. I was never against of taking care of him. Saheli replied. If you have never \" spoken out\" on any issue in your house earlier, not raised your voice earlier, or never tried to put your point forward, or never tried to make your place in the house (that you are person from whom they should seek permission for something) ... then according to me, there could have been a better way to put your point forward about the issue ... that too a sensitive issue like this.

I am assuming this is where you are coming from. It might have helped had you talked about it to your hubby in private with an attempt to find solutions for the arrangement/whatever related problems that you think would come after your relative is at your place.

With inlaws and hubbies, strangely, I have seen that the first reaction these people show on ANYTHING that comes from the DIL is .. repel! Retaliate! Negative! No!

Dont know why but these people first see the negative side and jsut dont even try to understand what the Dil is trying to say!

The trick that works with hubbies at times is .. first approach them with a very happy mood saying \" oh, what you decided was absolutely right\" ... and then plan and ask innocent questions one by one so as to finally seek an answer from hubby himself ... or by your Qs ... make him think what they really are now going to do about it!

And even after all this if the hubby stays stubborn, I wouldnt mind speaking out clearly and strongly that what he is doing is not right and should not expect my 100% support.

According to me, you are absolutely right, thinking on right lines too. May be was not at a right-time-right-place-right-people. shalini replied. Dear Manee,
You are not wrong. However, us being girls born in Indian families is wrong.
aa replied. hi, i also do not think you are wrong, the only thing that i can say, is that i think alot of dil' s have same case. my il' s ALWAYS make plans/arrangements without asking me. when they come to visit, they dont even tell me when they are coming, then my sil will gossip to my husband, and ask him if i know the plan. my il' s expect me to share every little detail about my life with them, but when it comes for them to tell me, they treat me like outsider. so now i just think who cares, let them do whatever they want, i just keep focus on my son, thats it. sonu replied. Hi Manee

I dont think u was wrong in saying that...At the end of the day u are also going to have to help out if he stays there which effects ur life too.
All inlaws do the same, mine do that make decisions and never consult me but just tell their son...but when i make a decision i have supposed to discuss it with them which i dont anymore...i have my sons 1st birthday in July and my sil called me and had an argument with me saying why did i not discuss the party with them (my inlaws live seperatly) so i said what does this family discuss with me..u all make ur own decision then i find out after a long time by chance.
Its for sure fustrating but u know what to do when they take a decision and the expect u to do the duties u should tell them on their face that u was not consulted to u refuse now to be involved in it...that will teach them a lesson...put ur foot down or forever they will do the same. If ur husband doesn' t support you then dont worry u support urself thats what i do...u are not a doormat so don' t get treated like that.

Take care sonu Vase replied. Hi Manee, I appreciate your basic thinking of helping out But it is important that you too should have been consulted on this. You may not be a part of the discussion which included many of your fil' s brothers etc atleast your husband in-turn should have consulted with you later before finalising on teh arrangement. I think you should discuss on this further with your husband and later with your fil/mil, before the sick family member moves in...

All the best No... you are not wrong!

Bye
Vase
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