Relationships  Discussion Forum

hi all!!
mine is a love cum arranged marriage. i live in a joint family. i got married 1.5 years back and i have a cute 4.5 months old baby boy. i have problems with my ILs from the beginning. my BIL who is older than my hubby moved out after his marriage. i have 2 SILs who are married. my fil is retired and has no income. the elder SIL' s both kids aged 18 and 20 live with us. the 20 year old girl acts like she is the boss of the house. The younger SIL' s house is near our house. but she stays in our house with her 2 kids every alternate days. my husband is a businessman. his office is below our house. so quite difficult to move out of the present house. though its my hubby' s business, my ILs including my SILs involve and interfere. my hubby has kept the whole thing in my MILs name. so all the income goes to her account. but my hubby has taken all the loans in his name. so my ILs think they are running the family. my hubby comes home and gives all the days' s earnings to his parents even after 1.5 years of marriage. i dont have permission to spend money on anything. if i want anything i should tell my hubby and he buys for me. i got married during my final year of graduation. i still have backlogs which i am finding difficult to clear in the present situation. since i got pregnant immediately after marriage i was not allowed to work. now since i have a small baby i cant go for work. my ILs refuse to look after the baby even for 1hr. all my ILs including their kids have accompanied us during all our trips. we never went on honeymoon bcoz of this. all the girls in this family form a gang and are against me. they are very rude to me. but in front of my hubby or others, they are very nice.
now that i have a baby , i want to forget all these problems. my hubby loves both my baby and me. i want to bring up my kid in a nice environment away from all these negative thinking people. but my hubby refuses. he thinks its his duty to look after his parents and sisters even though they are married. all my both SILS' expenditure including food,travel,clothes,kids etc are taken care of by my hubby. he gets very angry if i tell anything against his family.
so please help me to come out of this situation. eurit replied. I think a lot of solutions have been proposed here. But u may understand that ur root problem is that ur Husband is not financially independent( at least when it comes to expenditure). So the first step is toconcentrate on making urself and ur Husband financially independent. and then go on to all the tit-for-tat solutions. At the same time ensure that ur son remains ur party as he grows up and in case of extreme situations, u have him to lean on. nnn replied. hi!!!
after reading all your replies im starting to get some hopes about improving my present situation.

i always ignore whatever they tell or do. so they call me proud. he he he...i ignore even that. so they get more frustrated and try harder to hurt me.

actually they want my hubby and me to separate. but my hubby doesnt realise that. he thinks whatever they do or tell is right. the younger SIL creates stories about me and tells to the whole family just bcoz she was the only one in this family who spoke to me once or twice before the wedding. and they all believe her. they send that 20 year old girl to follow me if i go outside the house. the younger SIL sends anonymous letters to both of us using different girls names to create misunderstandings between us.my hubby knows that she wrote those letters. but he ignores and doesnt do anything about it.
i dont mind if my hubby helps them financially. but he should also think abt his wife and kid. more than that i just want peace of mind.
i liked all your ideas. ill definitely follow them.

if you have more suggestions please tell me.
thanks a lot
Well wisher replied. Dear nnn,
So sorry to read about u. This is the hight and how can u tolerate all these. I suggest u dont leave the house. I have friend of mine who was going thru the same and her hubby was looking after the entire ' kanthan' . She was fed up with it. Finally she thought of teaching them a lesson n went to her moms house after a little fight with her hubby. He later send a msg to her to come n take all her things n he never again want to see her in her life. Now it is almost 8 yrs and he is abroad working and looking after his 2 SILs same as urs. This is what his family wants. They might be happy to see u off the house.

However, i can suggest u somethings....
1. make ur bubby understand that now he has a son n he needs to start saving for his son. Ask him to put aside a fixed amt of money every month in ur sons name and nominee as u. Tell him politely n nicely that everyone saves for their kids including his sisters even though they may not inform him. Just tell him that u are asking him to do this bcoz u love ur son and ur hubby very much. See to that he is not putting in some bank accoutn from which he can remove the moeny when needed. Make an RD account or something...
2. Start buying some solid gold for u from time to time. Request him not to inform his parents.
3. Also slowly start asking him to give a fix amt of money everyday before he gives it his parents. Tell him that how much u enjoy being with him.
4. Start telling him to buy a house for u' ll near by and tell him u will not shift there soon. But just need like a security. Be very rigid but soft.

I am sure all these he will not agree immediately but keep on telling his day after day after day. one day it will go in his head. Also tell him u r worried about their future n if he cannot do all these then uwill have to go out n work to get the money for ur family.

Yea it looks tough but give it a try. I am slowly suceeding in this after 6 yrs of marriage. My ILs are so good with me but needs all our moeny. i never got bitter with them and i am buying a house for us very soon. i have a 2 yr old baby and and just got the news that i am pregnant again. I am working also n doesnt allow my hubby to take charge of my income. I lovingly tell him that i am saving all these for our old age and for kid. Pls have patience dear while u r trying. dont break the marriage without giving it a hard try. Also start telling ur parents about all these slowly.

All the best sonu replied. hi nnn....

So sorry to hear about ur situation...i have 3 sils' so i know what u are going through...Thing is nnn u will never be able to do right infront of their eyes..is it not possible that u could get a maid when ur son is a bit older and go to work...that will be ur independance and will also give ur own money.
Your husband well what can i say until he stands up and speaks up or puts his foot down there is not much that will change.
I think dd is right go to ur parents house as much as u can if they are near u.
What u should do is that if ur inlaws family are rude to u then u also be rude to them but infron to of ur husband u be nice to them...play the same game that they are playing with u...its a shame that we dil have to stoop to this level but in order for us to survive in such conditions we have to be like them.
Its hard trust me...especially as i dont have much relation with my inlaws and when i have to go there they just talk to my husband and when he is not there my mil will say sarcastic things to me but now if she does it anymore i will give it back to her because enough is enough....i have a 15 mnth son and he is the best thing that could have happened to me when my ils get me down i just spend time with him and forget about what they put me through.
It must be really hard for you but try to be strong...put ur foot down with ur husband about going back to work...its important that u have ur own independance and money especially if ur mil takes every penny from ur husband.
Good luck and keep us updated. Dd replied. hi,
if possible. try this start going to your parents house more frequently i.e if they r in town spend 2 dyas in week at their house or if in diff. city go there every month or 3 months- for a week & when youe husband or mil object or complain tell them your sil does it & they don' t say anything to them. probably they will understand bcs actions speak louder than words.

try it. i am not sure but it may work but be carefull not to be problem in your parents house. i.e. don' t interfere in their day to to day lives. gg replied. taking care of husbands parents is not all worng ...even if they fussy just ignore them n be with them but all this mrrd sil is alll unnessary ..absolutely wrong on ur husbands part too..y they coem n stay at ur place dont they hv their own house n father ...?
its all ur husbands mistake he should question them y they spen more time here rahter than staying at htier own place..u dont interfere ..coz enitre blame will coem on ur head ur mil will say my son wants his sis but his wife doesnt like them ...slowly slowly start telling him about what htey do ..dont nag .....put it nicely ..whatever u want tell ur husband nicely he will listen to u...n royally ignore all that ladies gang u just dont react if they try to do something n u get irritated dont show ...that ur irritated they will do more... aa replied. hi nnn, what a difficult situation, i am in similar case, except i have only one sil, but mil thinks i should feed/clothe etc take care of her. i really dont know what to do. my mil' fil interfere also too much, we have no privacy. the only thing that keeps me going is my son, he is my only happiness and when i look at him, i can do anything, he is my strength, i hope you can find some peace too. take care