Relationships  Discussion Forum

mine is love marriage of 1 year and with a baby of 3 months. sometimes back i had discussed my problem on this forum in \" MIL problem\" topic. my MIL has not been nice to me since day one of marriage. From the day one she did not try to make any good relation with me but she wanted all the household work from me. I being in hostels always had not done much of work so she was always angry with me and she started scolding me form the day one. I would have learnt with time but then i got pregnent and with 7 to 7 job it became too difficult for me to work after coming to home. I used to feel breathless, always vomitting due to nausea and too tired to work. I know an MIL expects her DIL to take care of her home but i suppose i got pregnent in bad time. so from that time onwards i lived in very unhealthy pregnency where i used to listen scoldings each day after coming from office. she used to cry that i have made her home hell etc..etc... when i could not cook and she had to, she will cry and make food and say i have made her servant. so this ended in my not eating food at home because i did not have heart to listen scoldings and eat after that.but my hubby used to eat with her and for that i am never able to forgive him. to make situation better he adopted the way of listening to her and make me uderstand what a good DIL should do. he never saw flaw in his mother. so that time was too difficult for me. all the three MIL, BIL and hubby holding me responsible for home situation because i was not able to keep her happy. even if i am sick i have to ask her how she is feeling because from the day i have seen her she is always sick with all the problems, spondilitis, head ache, high blood pressure etc. if i did not ask her she will make my misrable for atleast 1 week. but she will never ask me how i was feeling. although i went thorugh all the problems of pregenency - plancenta pervia, vomiting, high BP etc. my BIL also did not help in this situation. first of all he was against us getting married because he thought who will take care of his mother and unfortunately his view seemed right in that situation. because of that he started behaving in psychic manner althouht he is enginner. he used to shout too much and ask \" shadi kyo ki\" \" bacha kyo paida kiya\" i feel like crying when i remember those times. i was dependable on them which my MIL could not digest. she had only one view of DIL- always sacrificing and not asking anything in return. whereas i started remainig sick in the time pregnency. still i put patience and used to be in my room because if i sat in drawing she will be angry. i did not have food till the last day of my delivery because she did not want to do anything for me. but fortunately i got a cute baby boy and she was happy with it and i also regained my strength with time. although she made me do all the work of home after delivery which made my stiches go bad and it took one month to heal them. still i was taking care of my baby and doing all the work meanwhile so that she may remain atleast peaceful and not argue. she did not let me keep made earlier but after so many fights i kept maid for washing clothes etc because all this work was affecting my health. Now i have joined office back so she has to take care of baby whole day. i had kept one 12 hr. maid for all the work and baby, whom, she scolded and now maid is gone. so i have to do all the household work, come to office, go back cook food, wash utensils clean take care of my kid because at the end of day she is tired and she wants me to take care of baby. obviously i am not able to do that much of work and she is angry for one thing or other. she knows all her pains, when i go to home her hear is aching, body is aching etc but she never thinks of me how i do whole her. each day i have to make 3-4 dishes because for my MIL we have one agenda of \" arhar ki dal and aloo ki sabzi\" and for us she will tell me to make another dish. i know i can not change that but its taking toil on my health so we are in search of maid again..

i told you all this story to make background about my problem clear.i am an engineering postgraduate working in an MNC with 7 to 7 job. now my problem is, from the day i have married, first of all i have put up with her moody attitude. she will start scolding whenever she wishes and nobody can do anything about that. my husband cant say anything because she already make him feel miserable about having a love marriage with a girl of other caste. because of all this, i have really lost all the interest in my life. i just do work and work. at the end of day i dont have heart to play with my baby because i am too tired. because of so much tensed atmosphere at home, i havent any friends. i want to go to parlor to feel and look good but how can i go?i have a baby to care for. i want to make friends but she never gives me extra time to do that. i am always working and cleaning home. in the nights if baby wakes i have to take care so i am not able to sleep too. just wanted to ask how can i manage my life and feel better and what can i do to make atleast my life peaceful. i am just always tired so i dont have interest either at home or office. i am just feeling i am wasting away my life. not able to enjoy my life.

i went through horrible situations which i am not able to forget and it is affecting my life. my relation with hubby is not improving becasue i feel him responsible for all what happened with me. he wants to have good lfie with him, takes me for lunches, movies etc but feel betrayed. when i was in bad times he took side of his mother which really hurts me most. earlier his mother made him see her side. but now he sees other how others are staying. he sees how other firends wives dont do anything still they are putting up happily because their husbands dont let them do work and keep servants. he sees how other MILs take care of their DILs and how they are compromising to keep home happy. now i just keep him nagging and scolding him because i feel he made my situation worse by not standing up with me. He is elder so whole responsiblity of making home is on his shoulders. i know all this and uderstand but still when i see my MIL i feel all the hatred. and to add to this now when she is taking care of my kid she keeps saying \" mujhe naukrani bana diyahai\" \" jitna karti hu utna tumhari biwi failti jati hai\" . and if we keep maid she fights with her. dont know what to do.

please help me to keep my sanity. please advice me. i really feel betrayed, tired and so lost.
rekha replied. HI Suhani,
You are an earning member of teh family, your husband should start pitcing in. HE probably feels guilty that he married against his mothers wishes, too bad, he is an adult and made a choice. HE is lucky to get an educated wife who will make his financial life more secure. You need to start putting your foot down and expect him to support you. If she scolds, ignore her and refuse to do the household chores. You are not a servant and if she feels that taking care of her own grandchild is such an issue, then tell her you will pay her. I know we have to respect our elders in our culture, which is a very good trait but an elder has to earn her respect not demand it. Your MIL has earned nothing. Your husband has to stand up for you and realise that you are a human being with needs. If he wanted to please his mother, he should have shut up and married his mothers choice, and not put you in such a bad situation. IF he has the guts to marry you, he now should have the guts to stand up for you. Tell him you will tolerate this any longer, he if doesn' t stand up for you, u need to do it by yourself. Time for you to realise you are a superior to your MIL and what she wants she cannot have, so she better get used to who you are. Stop harrassing yourself with this bitter woman and learn to live life. Iwould be angry with myhusband too, but tellhim if he wants you' ll to have a better relationship he needs to grow a backbone. A DIL never worked and brought money into thehouse,that seems like an acceptable proposition to them, get the money but also do the other DIL duties..don' t time for u to stand up for yourself and say NO!
goodluck.
Rekha gg replied. nothing great about us ..we hv learnt very hard way... gg replied. about ur eating prob...
samethign inspite of cooking so much i use to leave without eating anythng inspite f being pregnant ...u know my colleggues use to bring food for me..n make sure b4 leaving off i eat enough so that at night if my mil fihgts with me n i go without food i dont remain empty stomach..
she did same thing for my sil ...do u know what she does on one side my mil will be screaming at her gv me this..do this...but she will be like i am very hungry feeling giddy let me hv food..my mil willbe taunting her n she will continue eating...i told her once hats off to u that u cna eat ..to that she replied i am pregnant i cant control my hunger n excuseme i cant let my self n my baby suffer coz of this mil...i was shocked..my mil use to take money from me for milk i use to hv during pregnancy ...otherwise i hate milk..my doc had told me to hv..
u know my sil gulps down 1/2 liter of milk in front of my mil...she will has her ..mummy this is milk na...i am dringking ...she always leaves my mil blank...
u will always find me talking about my sil..but believe me for me she is like god has send her specially for me...she is liek a god' s gift to me..my mil has totally changed ..her attitude towardsz me...
u ownt gain anytihgn by starving ...so stop doing that
have u heard this saying...

nirlaj sada sukhi...
(shamless are always happy )
becomes shameless...n eat right in front of her...
my mil will be nagging now even i eat food ...i am least botherd what she is saying gg replied. suhani ..i am sorry to say its all ur mistake...
i had done the same thing when i was pregnant ...my mil never harssed me mon - to fri but...sat sun ...once i rmbr i started crying coz my legs started shaking while cooking ...i hv 14 members in my family imagine i had to cook without any1s help...i was a good cook but believe me that nervousness ..tension...mils taunt i cudnt cook i use to get so scared putting salt too coz li mistake n my mil wud hv said ..in our family dil are always good cook u dont hv to teach tem anything...
but now sil ..she too is expecting ..my bro in laws his was an arrange marrg ..cum love ..my mil selceted her but after some meeting s she saw the girls true color n realised this girl is bnot the one who will live in her spell..
but it was too late my sil is very strong n anyhow managed to get her mrrd to my bil..
my mil tries to do the same thing on her..but she will go in kitchen when her husband is around ..after 2 mins of standing she will come out in hall keep one chair under fan...carry one newspaper...with her..every 1 sec she will cum out in hall fanning herself ..with one hand..holding her back with another ..she sit on chair under fan ..for few sec..again slowly she will get up go to sitr the curry..or bhaji...cum back...jsut to show how much trouble t=she is taking to cook food..u knwo my mil does all the work now....she doesnt gv me any work now ..i feel bad for that but she doesnt listen ..
dont show her u can do much of work if u do she will gv u more...
dont u care for ur self..for ur health do u think so she will look after u if u fall sick?
dont u feel like spending time with ur baby?
first of all stop doing so much of work..u cant do this but slowly slowly tyr to do less work ...
n take care of ur self...u hv raised ur mil' s expectations toomuch...n after doing so mcuh of work u ask her ..she will tell u ...what do u do at home? nothing i do everything....
u wont get naything in return ...
happiness donest cum to those who wants to be sad all the time...
n very imp when she gvs u work do it..but never ever get up immediately to do that thing..take ur time ..infact purposely take ur time in doing that ...it wont be easy for u now coz u hv already made habbit ...but it will happne sonu replied. Hi Suhani

Well said Preeti...u hit the nail on the head...everything u said is right.
God help them if they had a rebelious dil like me...lol
I took alot aswell uptil the time my son was born then after that i just lost it and started giving back,....my mil could not take and lied her way out of it but now the bottom line is that she does not talk to me and avoids me which is not the best conclusion but i am alot a happier. She did all those things to me and on top of it lied so i have no respect for her and no my dh did not stand by me i did it all alone...Just remember one thing Suhani ur dh will never support you even if he knows his family are wrong...At the end of the day u have been accused of not keeping the mil happy or keeping the peace in the family so why dont u nwo just speak up and do what u are being accused of....my mil said alot of lies about me and made things up to my sil and the son even if i didnt know about it and i went into post natal depression after my son...but then i woke up and realised that hold on i have done nothing wrong then why should i live like a criminal....from then on i have never looked back....i have always defended myself and spoke up.
It will be hard for you to stand up but once u do it you will feel better for yourself....Try to spend as much time as u can with ur baby cause these years will not come back and then u will regret it...even if you take ur baby out.
Cant u go to your parents at the weekends?
Can u join any mother groups that will enable you to meet some other mothers so that u can can make friends?
You need to explain to your husband that you are a human and not a slave and from now on u will not be treated like one. Live ur life to the max Suhani cause u dont know what can happen tommorrow. Its ur life and if people dont appreciate u then they dont have any right for u to do anythng for them. Let them do it themseleves..if ur mil has to cook then let her u eat from outside and come and let the happy family eat together. It hurts i know as my inlaws did the same....when it was my sons first birthday i slaved the whole day and was on hand and foot for them and the next morning they all got up my sil made breakfast for everyone they all sat on the table and ate including my dh but didnt even ask me and it was in my house with my paid food....but u know what there is a god up there and some day i believe in is what bad u do god will give it back.
be brave and good luck preeti replied. first of all ..let me give u big hug. u have been through a lot since marriage. i m amazed at the kind of mil u have. u have put up with lots of nonsense. frankly speaking there was no need for u to live like that in ur inital days.may be coz of ur intercast marriage u were trying hard to please ur mil n gain acceptance which i think she still hasnot given u. n ur hubby... well such men should better remain unmarried. i m wondering how could he eat like a good son with mom when his pregnant wife is going without home food. he left u on ur own when u needed him the most so as to support his mom. why he supported her wrong actions only he can answer.may be to gain forgivness for angering her by marrying against mil' s choice.
guys claimed to be in love but failed to stand up for love in hard situations.
i know i m too harsh against ur hubby but nobody can deny that he has been a partner in crime. n ur bil... i wish he has some brain n sensibility.
anyways, u r quite justified in feeling angry.
why didnt u seek any help ? ur parents, ur friends? some support group?
i ask why did u went thru this un-human torture for so long ?
u r well educated , earning...
elders should be respected only if they behave like elders. n white hair alone do not signify wisdom. ur mil has acted like witch.
sad, in our society such family members can dominate n run dil' s life as per their fancy.
dear girl, its time to stand up. its still not too late.
i mean, 7-7 job, then whole of housework in pregnancy..then a stupid mil n a dumb hubby along with a worthless bil...thats too bad.
wake up...donot ever feel guilty of coming into this household with intercast marriage.ur hubby bought u here, he is equally responsible for the marriage.
the problem is that mils generously forgive their sons but with dils they r at their wicked best.mil-dil issue is there everywhere but in ur case i seriously feel u have taken a lot silently..at the cost of ur mental n physical health.
its time to give back..
my mil too misbehaved with me in ourearly marriage days..but after a while when i understood her intentions, i started giving her back with words n actions. i had a dumb fil n wicked gmil too. but now they have all realized that i ll be good to them only if they behave in a sensible way.otherwise if they try to act smart n make me a full time house who goes to office,brings money as well as run the entire household 24*7 then they r mistaken. they r now back to their senses.but yes, i must say i had my hubby supporting my right action as time passed.
i would not say that break ur relationship with ur hubby over this issue of him hurting u in the past. seems like he is realizing his mistake by seeing how other husbands/mils treat the new dil. give him a chance but only after having a discussion. set the rules reagding housework. thats a commom problem of mil driving away the maids kept by dil. ur hubby n urself should explain her firmly that if she keeps doing this then she should not expect u doing all the household work coz u just wont as u r tired n want to spend time with baby too. make arrangement when maid comes twice a day to cook food.in fact ask maid to come when u r home n she leaves when u go back. have a discussion with maid too that she should ignore the old hag. now u should forma husband - wife team. tell hubby that its high time he starts using his brain. why dont u take print out of the replies u get on this board n make ur hubby go through that.
tell him if no serious action is taken now then u ll be considering taking up a seperate place n staying there with baby n full time maid.
its difficult to forgive spaecially when the wrong doer is a close one like hubby. but for the sake of baby, hang on n start taking things in ur control.
sorry for the long post.

luv,
preeti