Relationships  Discussion Forum

Dear Freinds,
I am a regular visitor of this site and had taken advices from u many times.Once again i need help. My Problem is my married life. I have struggled to save it from past 3 yrs. Me and my hubby were separated for 1 yr and the settled down for the sake of our son who is 2 yr old now.
WE have shifted to my Home Town i.e. Delhi and started a new life once again, where i have arranged for everything right from the scratch. Still,my hubby behaviour is not at all good with me.
As far he is concerned, initially he was jobless so i tried to support him as much as i can, emotionally, financially. Today he has job and is earning at least something. I am earning more than him therefore paying each for eacha nd every expense for the house, kid etc.
He is not contributing a single penny to the house. When i demanded at least some contribution, he said i can't because my expenses are too much.
He is spending extravagently on his cigrettes, mobile, trips to his parental home or wherever he likes. He is not at all woried about our future, savings.He is living life like a bachelor. He does not even bothers
If i interfere or object on his living style, attitude, he gets irritated and it results into heated arguments.
In the begining of this month, i suffered from typhoid, i was bed ridden for 15 days but he awas not at all bother. He didn't took me to doctor, Never ever served me when i was in need. My parents took me to doctor and arranged for everything i needed.
Once he saw my mother at my house, she was there bcoz i had just returned from hspital with my parents and i only wanted her to stay with me for sometime. Especially when he was not at home. But he came surprisingly and since then he argued with me several times on this matter.

But i can't to move to another city as he does not have any proper job there and he is not much educated to get a job in an MNC.
He lied about his education and finacial status to me before marriage.
FYI: Ours was a love cum arrannged marriage, i relied on him blindly and my parents were duped by his family i.e. we trusted them, all his family members are well-off financially.

I was working with a reputed company at that time and bcoz of his false promises and false image i left my job and moved to hyd, where he was living with his Sister and her husband.

I struggled a lot there, it was a nightmare at hyd, my in-laws stays at punjab and they also behaved with me like a slave. That was the reason for our separation, i moved to delhi with my son and found a job in Delhi in an MNC.Basically he and his family hates my parents.
Before union, We both never have agreed to deal with our parents individually.
So he has no communication with my parents and vice versa.

I cannot leave my job, bcoz thats the only solution to bear my
Finances. Simulataneously i cannot tolerate my Hubby's irresponsible behavior towards us(me and my kid). He is just living like a GUEST in our house.

Now a days , situation is worst as we hardly communicate, he told me many times that he doesn't want to live in delhi, he is not happy there.
I told him if u r not happy then u can leave us, i'll live life with my kid. But he said i won't leave untill and unless we will separated legally as i don't want any complications later.
He said either \";give me divorce or live like this.I'll take our son away from u\";.
Now a days,He is not eating at home, coming at whatever times he wants, i don't have any clue about his whereabouts and i can't ask bcoz i know i won't get proper reply. Morever i don't want to argue. According to him, i don't have any right to do so. I care for him
Recently after 20+ days of tense atmosphere, i tried to change things by my end. i behaved lovingly with him, putting my ego down, he got attracted or whatever i can't understand, as if he was deficient of it,I love him so i thought issues will be sorted out. BUT.. after few moments he left me in the middle saying that he don't believe in this kind of love especially when we both have major differences and we are not living like husband and wife, he said sorry and went to sleep.
I was shocked and really sad from his behaviour, how can he express his love one moment and then leave me in a shattered condition next moment?
He considers himself as a king and always always tries to put me down.
He told me either leave me or ur parents. Now how can i leave my parents as they r my only support.
Especially when he is not ready to take any responsibility. I have tried to sort out things many times but always got hurted more and more.
whenever i'll be good with him, he'll reply with something bitter.
Now i am not at all talking to him.

I have told about my sufferings to one of his Family freind , who respects me and i call him brother. Now he is coming to delhi to talk to me and my parents and perhaps with him also to know what is his problem actually.
He is also saying is if things didn't work in this 4 months it won't work for entire life. Look ahead. I am of 24 yrs and final yr MSc.(IT)(could not complete it till now bcoz of all this).

I really don't want divorce bcoz i have loved him from the dep core of my heart and emotioanlly its very painfull. Also i want my son to be with his Father.

One more thing if he'll leave us, i'll try my best to overcome this . I have thought to survive independently with my kid.
Secondly, i don't want to SET HIM FREE as how can he ruin anybody's life , if i'll give him divorce, he 'll be free forever but i can't be bcoz my kid is with me .
I can't give him my kid also bcoz he is the only precious thing i got from our marriage and i don't wan't his life to be ruined.
I know life is very difficult to live individually with a kid especially in india.

As a result i am unable to take the decision. What should i do?
I have expressed what i am going through this long mail? sorry if at all i have disturbed u or bored u.
I am thinking deeply about me and my kid's future.
Pls. Give me advice or suggestions. Thanks in advance.
Really i pray from god whoever r married, must get there husband's love.
God Bless u all.

mother replied. Hi,
You seems to be in the same boat as I was a year back. I was also struggling to find out shall I stay in my marriage just for the sake of my child. Then I ask myself these questions and they helped me to take a decision
1. Is he a good father. Does your kid feel happy in his company if you are not around.
2. Is he makes effort not to start argument in front of the child as that would effect him.
3. If left alone can he take care of the kid.
4. Is he the kind of person you want your child to take as role model.
5.I don't know how much of this is relevent for you but is he taking interest in your kids school or activites.
6. Do you talk about the future plans related to your kid, like which school to put him in, how to celebrate his birthday.
7. Most important, when u have any argument does he takes that out on the kid like not talking to the kid or scolding him.
Just think about all these and then decide.
Regards,
a Mother saheli replied. From what you have described here, it appears ur marriage does'nt have minor issues. This is a big thing that he is not taking up his responsibilities. I think he is with u probably because he does'nt want to take the first step to divorce. I don't know if u r ready to live like this. If you are then just make compromise and never question him or anything and keep living like this. And if not then walk out. Your kid is not learning any great family values like this. Maybe he is better off without his father being a bad example.

So its a decision for you to make.
Do you have ur parents support? If you do then walking out will be easier. Besides, you are so young and a professional so it will be easier financially.
Sometimes u should let your mind rule your heart. I know u loved him so deeply but dear he needs to reciprocate the love.
Did u try going to a marriage counsellor?
Think practically for the betterment of your mental health and your child and then take a decision.
Take care dias replied. I can c ur problem ,I just felt like anything to give a best suggession.
Really It's tough to decide one thing.Let it go on .Just kill ur ego and behave so kind to him.I know it's tough to do and bear such man ...But convey him only thing that ...\";i'm going to accept u from now onwards ,I'm just forgetting all the things and want to lead a happylife with u.I'll just wait to u to change and love ur family like any other man in world. So Pl decide urself and try to be good to us...\";

That words u might have a;ready tried...but ry again...and be so sweet to him.TEll him that there is no cunning side in u in being good to him.The only thing u want to lead a happylife and doing ur job for making both of ur life better.Don't get surprised to see him to joke on ur words.He's feeling inferior but doesn't want to express in front of u...So be sweet and sweet.Not that u shdn't have self respe0ct.

Its even gharder to maintain self respect ,if u get sperated .This society u r living in is not good enough to respect you as an individual ,dear!

So just become rock minded and bear even if he insults u with a simple question mark face...But don't give up.He'll change one day for sure.Domn't expect any money and talk about contributions in this time...Just expect him to love u and ur kid...Leave a note to him with the above words...And start ur better job now....

I hope it works out dear!
I really pray god for u! And u too try being sweet.U deserve b'tiful life dear!He'll change some day and know his responsibilities.I know he is not believable.But believe in god,who can show a good way.

Tell me after a month whether it worked out!Good luck dear!! Hello replied. Hi,
I dont know wat to say except pray for you guys.
The thing is you guys have lived seperated for a year and now started living at a place of your choice ,guess you husband feels you have won in the fight that you have been having last 3 years?!.
From his point of view he thinks that he has given up a whole lot of things to make this marriage work and you are living a comfortable life with your mother visiting you when you need her.
This is what he thinks.
One thing undeniable is that your husband is an irresponsible person!.

When he said he is not happy in Delhi you should have never said ' live or leave..' that would have hurt his Ego like anything..sorry but this is how I feel.Would'nt it made things worser if he had left that day?.
hmmmmhm It is very very true that your kids needs him dad with him through life.Divorcing your husband is the biggest punishment that you can give your kid.You need to somehow make this marriage work.
Try to be little bit flexible with your husband for your kid's sake.
I am not saying you are not flexible but
since you are the person who is responsible here and who is worried about your kid's future, you are the one who needs to be more patient and calm.
Don't question him or ask him anything about how he spends money where he goes etc.,,, just take care of your baby and yourself.don't involve him in anything at all just make sure he is there around for your baby.this will set him right.dont show any anger or anything just think of him like a good entertainer for your baby and your baby needs his presence.
Make sure that you appreciate his involvement in caring for your kid.
Ask that mutal friend to give your husband advice about how your kid will feel if his daddy goes away or if he does not spend time with him.
I am not able to think of anything else ..I will pray for you.
take care.