Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi Friends,

I never thought I would crib over such petty issues in my life viz. in laws , co SIL problems… i have always loathed saas bahu serial yet I am here writing about my problem now I understand that these things exist in the life and sometimes you feel so helpless do not know how to solve the problem … I am quite well educated earning decently have my own car , house driver still I feel so small in front of my co SIL …

My brief story starts is….i am from a posh locality south delhi whereas my husband family from a very small town village … I have 2 years old son and 4 months old daughter…. my husband has one brother and no sister …me and hubby married against the wishes of our parents and for this reason my MIL never liked me as I am inferior to them caste wise ……what ever I do she hates that I am an excellent cook and she is the worst still if I cook something for her she will straight away reject that and makes very strange faces when my hubby praises my food and me and eats double of his regular diet …she would eat with pickle …for this reason I have a cook also

I hate to discuss my personal problems with my relatives and my MIL ‘s imagination is very strong she always misunderstood my intentions that I might be doing backbiting with my sisters or mother … I am working in a private firm and for this reason I have very long working hours …..when ever cook is absent which is quite often my MIL does not even cut the vegetables she is of no help , never enters in the kitchen and we have to serve her all needs … I would cook her favourite food t still she would say I do not want to eat that today what is all this non sense ….she would do nothing and say we are getting bored … she does not even washes her under garments how disgusting …

Now my BIL got married to one of her distant relatives and my MIL is on cloud nine since than My co SIL who is non working and very average looking also stays with us as her husband is away on job and would join her in six months time….my MIL showered her with lots of jewellery clothes etc. which I do not mind but people keep on reminding me that you do not have this and that … whole day My MIL and Co sil watches saas bahu seriels which I hate to the bottom of my heart they discuss very strange things their sarees, jewellery food Tulsi was wearing that saree that day blah blah blah I hate this kind of talk ….my MIL is infatuated and obsessed with my co sil she praises her always as they have same taste for everything ..

Now my co sil does nothing except buttering of my MIL … she does not washes her clothes the way I do or does not even washes her UGs just like my MIL …but she is expert in buttering she always wears saree because my MIL said so I never wear as I feel extremely uncomfortable in saree at office place and driving sometimes , she always covers her head with pallu , both of them watches TV and voh MIL ke par dabati rahti hei … I wash my and hubby clothes my self my part time maid is whole day busy in serving them and thus neglects my kids .. now she has threaten to quit the work due to overload which will be like bombardment on my head … earlier she used to takes care of my kids feeding, bathing changing clothes , making them sleep with minimal household work now she has to wash their clothes, serving food , making tea every 10 to 15 minutes … I have increased her salary still she is overloaded and I understand that but I am helpless as my MIL and SIl think she is a mere servant and should not rest even for a sec…but my maid is really nice towards my kids and takes very good care of them ..my concern is who will take care of my kids if she quits the job as MIL and SIL are of no use they do not even make tea for them self…

My cook is on leave for last 6 days due to ill health and I cook for all the family members after coming from office my co sil serves food only as she does not know cooking and my MIL praises her every where she gives me tea food thou I cook and prepare everything … yesterday it was high time me mil and co sil eat together my MIL would always says to my Co-sis please beta ek aur le lo hum pyar se de rahen hein rice le lo beta ..she has never said anything to me never give me chapatti or rice I feel extremely humiliated in front of them they gossip and gossip and I feel neglect working working and working only I honestly have no spare time for gossiping and discussing Tulsi’s saree set etc. and what ever time I find I and busy with kids ..feeding them cleaning them I sleep at 1am and wakes up at 6 so very much sleep deprived and they sleep at 11.30 after watching all serials and wake up after I leave for office at 8am …I feel so frustrated, small and neglected in front of them

My questions are
 What are my drawbacks , how to make my MIL happy
 I take care of maintenance of my home also as my hubby is on tour most of the time …. How to relax my self and find 5 minutes of relaxation for myself which seems impossible dream to me with two small kids , in laws and SIl
 How to say to my co-sil that she should wash her UGs small clothes herself my MIL will kill me for that
 My son does not like my MIL as she is always shouting and nagging on my maid ..he is attached to her
 What to do about maid she is really nice but extremely slow in working but takes very good care of my kids
 I feel inferior as I belong to kayastha and they and my co sis are superior Brahmin they do not involve me in some poojas’ etc..
 My MIL and Cosis talk onn stop and always look down upon me for god knows reasons

Please please guide me as hard work and this kind of environment is slowly suffocating my life ..i feel extremely neglected and low

I am very sorry for the long mail

Please friends advice me
Tamanna
Tamanna replied. Hello friends,
I was feeling so down yesterday but feeling relaxed and a bit comfortable and confident after reading your mails and suggestions … …I will surely try to abide by the advices given by you guys ….. I have tried to do following things
1. I have instructed my maid not to wash my SIL’s UG other clothes she can put in the washing machine ….
2. I have talked to my maid that I will gift her new suit and will raise her salary again , still she is uncertain due to nagging and shouting
3. My hubby can never talk to his mom as he knows she has the biggest ego in this whole universe and will start crying and creating scene …. Actually whatever she watches in TV saas bahu conspiracy she starts imagining the same stuff , and I do not know what they discuss whole day (SIL and MIL)
4. I am so touched when I heard your side of story Sonu , even my MIL does the same . Not telling me beforehand and reprimand afterwards as if I am a fool .
5. My FIL is very cooperative but he is also scared of my MIL and her volatile temperament
6. Ritika , I have a cook already who does cooking, cleaning kitchen, and washing utensils . Still with so many people around so much work and they drink tea at an interval of 15 minutes
7. My son has started copying my MIL which looks funny at times he shouts at pitch of this voice and expects us to get scared …..
I may try to speak to my BIl because she listens to him only and he adores me so much and helps me as and when I am in trouble. He is the one who can straighten her up . He is coming next wk on Rakhi …till then Please guys keep on boosting my morale as per your convenience
Thanks a ton
Tamanna
Special thanks to Sonu, Ritika, SS, BU, Manee,nn and simran
Tamanna replied. Hello friends,
I was feeling so down yesterday but feeling relaxed and a bit comfortable and confident after reading your mails and suggestions … …I will surely try to abide by the advices given by you guys ….. I have tried to do following things
1. I have instructed my maid not to wash my SIL’s UG other clothes she can put in the washing machine ….
2. I have talked to my maid that I will gift her new suit and will raise her salary again , still she is uncertain due to nagging and shouting
3. My hubby can never talk to his mom as he knows she has the biggest ego in this whole universe and will start crying and creating scene …. Actually whatever she watches in TV saas bahu conspiracy she starts imagining the same stuff , and I do not know what they discuss whole day (SIL and MIL)
4. I am so touched when I heard your side of story Sonu , even my MIL does the same . Not telling me beforehand and reprimand afterwards as if I am a fool .
5. My FIL is very cooperative but he is also scared of my MIL and her volatile temperament
6. Ritika , I have a cook already who does cooking, cleaning kitchen, and washing utensils . Still with so many people around so much work and they drink tea at an interval of 15 minutes
7. My son has started copying my MIL which looks funny at times he shouts at pitch of this voice and expects us to get scared …..
I may try to speak to my BIl because she listens to him only and he adores me so much and helps me as and when I am in trouble. He is the one who can straighten her up . He is coming next wk on Rakhi …till then Please guys keep on boosting my morale as per your convenience
Thanks a ton
Tamanna
sonu replied. Hi Tamana

What can i say Tamana, i feel extremely sorry for you that u have to deal with this on a day to day basis.
I understand how u feel....Me and my husband had a love marriage too...and i am from a higher caste and my husband is from low caste, that does not make a diff to me but it does to my inlaws.
I did not want a huge wedding...i just wanted a registry and reception but my inlaws were demanding and wanted a huge wedding which i agreed too...but now i wish i didnt. From day one its always been a case of in ours we do this and in our caste we do that oh how is it done in urs....she will always make me feel like i am an untouchable...i tried to do everything by what they do but they were never happy and they never told me that u should do it like this or that...they always made me feel as i was doing it wrong. It really hit me when i had my son last year and they came over for the naming ceremony...they did everything they way they wanted to which i never objected to but they never once told me or involved me, then 6 weeks later they gave mithai to everyone except my family and never even told me...Dont u think they should have involved me?????
They are completely selfish and alwasy want things there way so thats why i never called them to look after me after my delivary. Even though i had a c-section i did everything myself and now my baby goes to a childminder and i am proud that i have not been dependent on anyone especially them..
I think u should either move out or tell them in a nice way that look i think u guys do enough (even if they dont, but just to be nice to avoid an argument) so its would be nice nice now taht u have ur own life back and go home...see what they say...
What does ur hubby say about all this...can he not speak to them and tell them...Hold on to ur maid. explain to her nicely that tehy are only here on a temp basis...Tell her not to do their chores and just focus on ur kids...if they going to stay with u then u have to put ur foot down or else u will loose out on everything.
I know its hard but why should u suffer for those embeciles.

Good luck ss replied. For the last five years I am facing the same problem. I feel that you should considering shifting to your own house if you consider your maid as reliable and trust worthy. This is most appropriate thing to do as you cannot change others behaviour and also thinking and being a working woman we don' t have time and energy for the same.

Best of luck Manee replied. Dear Tamanna,

After reading your post, i really feel sorry about you..i just have one question why are u putting up with all these and where is your husband?? why doesn' t he intervane in this. Even if he do not that( I really think he should) you will have take charge and make records straight here. But before that you will have you say bye bye to the tought that you are actually inferior in caste or whatever. To me it seems that you have also started believing that some where. No it is not a case. Stop trying to please them and make them happy.You need to take the charge of situation. This is your house and this your life. And the worst part of the situation is that you kids might be getting effected by this .How can you let it happen?. You need to protect them and be a role model for them not to take trash from anybody.
I know you can do it. You have the power.