Relationships  Discussion Forum

just wondering if others have experienced this and how did they handle it.

my parents live in North America and so do me and my husband (diff. cities)and inlaws in middle east. weve been married 3.5 years. my inlaws have lots of freinds in the city my parents live in and r desperate to visit. so this annual visit, my MIL keeps saying how this or that freind of hers keeps inviting them and i just do not respond...so finally over the weekend i said infront of my husband that maybe u can also visit my parents and see the new home they r moving into to which MIL responded ' hamare samdhi hain hum kahin aur thodi jakar rahenge' . I had no idea that they were planning on staying at my parents home when they visit next summer. I had thot they' ll just visit them for dinner and my parents would give them some gifts. My husband actually talked to me later and was furious that i did not offer MIL to stay at my parents home since its customary as per him. Plus during our reception in the middle east (his parents had our reception in mid east), my parents stayed in a hotel - i told my husband this as well. He said that they just have freinds and no relatives (they' ve a niece whos in her late 30s and has a family too)and would prob stay 1 night and then go to their freinds place. I guess what he meant that they needed a base.my thinking is that the types they r they' d go around saying that my parents forcefully invited them ' unhone bahut kaha ki aap aana' . they r basically inviting themselves even tho they have so called freinds and even a niece in the city where my parents live. My concern is that MIL/FIL r very typical and would expect gifts(which is ok) and also ' sewa' . Inspite of all this they' ll complain to my husband how they were ignored etc. ' hamein pucha nahin' . My parents cant drive around too much- my husband knows this too.
My MIL never had her inlaws (passed away in partition) and SIL' s MIL passed away from cancer a year after she was married. So they r very smart family...mere liye musibat hi musibat.
I have another issue - my husband' s freinds live around the corner and they r non Indian. Since my MIL speaks english she talks to them when she passes their home during her evening walks. And they have invited her for dinner last year too. MIL even asked her(freinds wife whos stay at home mom) for a ride to the grocery store last year visit. The next day she dropped off her son for an hour or 2. She got excited ' hes like my grandson' . My husband didnt like that too much. We barely visit them these days- yes my husband hung out with them, all the time when he was single. But MIL never got the point across. This year she again asked my husband for their ph. number and went to our freinds house for 2 hrs in the afternoon just to chit chat. Last year she invited herself to their home to learn ravioli. Like she will ever cook. She has problems making rotis.
Now, again she called her up yesterday and left a msg. the freind called bk and asked if she wanted to go to her son' s class. when i got home she was gone to her son' s(freind' s son) karate class. then she was telling me how the same freind was inviting her over today to visit another freind. And then she had to go mail something at the post office plus get her glasses fixed. She told us that she will ask our freind to get all this done. What does she think- is this freind her driver /servant?? I kind of made a face to my husband and am not sure if he told her that he should not visit these freinds everyday. Another incident on her desperation to meet people is when we went to desi store and my husband met one of his ex coworkers who was there with his wife. I have never met this coworker and my husband wasnt even keen on getting us introduced. While he was talking to the coworker, MIL said to his wife (who was beside MIL) - ' hello, i am (my husband' s name) mother\" . I stepped away since i was busy picking things up for groceries. Later, she said u didnt introduce yourself to which i said' i am not that aggresive' .
She knows every freind of my husband or he knows people mostly thru family- so they control all information. they r very interfering..know all our weekend plans...my husband tells them everything. They know all their daughter' s freinds who invite my MIL when she visits every summer. SIL lives in another state in the US. I don' t know too many people and dont want her to know every1 i know. she gave us a lecture on how freinds r very important...dil ki baat kissi ko toh batao' ..i agree but she bulshits...she wants all our freinds to invite her and probably hoping for their numbers too. and they control their son so much that he cant really make freinds. they talk to him everyday and when hes emotional he' ll tell them all. replied. I also have a MIL who' s 55 and wants to look young. She things she' s 18. Wears capris, wants to wear Jeans, sleeveless etc, to the some extent, my marriage makeup kit she used.

Tanya, I guess there' s no other solution than to ignore....I have started ignoring her from abt an year and am pretty ok. If you think too much you spoil your mood and relations with hubby. They are not going to change. I don say that you have to overlook but pick your fights which are worth fighting.

-Hope reader replied. Hi Tanya,

I agree with most of what Ritika has said. From your post, it seems to me that you are looking too much into trivial issues. If your MIL likes to look good, whats wrong with it? You must also understand that when she comes to US, she must get bored so she tries to make friends with other people. We are used to not talking with neighbours, not asking favours etc, but people in India and Middle East have a different approach.

There also seems to be some insecurity in your mind thinking they talk about you behind your back. How do you validate that?

I think you should overlook these small issues and continue to do your regular work. In time, these things will improve.

Good luck.
Reader Ritika replied. Hi Tanya,

I read your post and my first reaction is - You' re kidding me, right!!

I' m going to use some strong words here but I think a lady who is tough enough to make faces at her husband when her MIL wanted to go post some mail and get her glasses fixed, is strong enough to take it.

1) You said your MIL \" would prob stay 1 night and then go to their friends place\" and \" my thinking is that the types they r they' d go around saying that my parents forcefully invited them ' unhone bahut kaha ki aap aana' .\"

I' m assuming your parents at least were brought up in India so they are a little conversant with Indian culture...correct me if I' m wrong on that score.

All your MIL is trying to do here is save your parents and her face. What is so wrong with it? Yes, your husband is right. It would be gracious of your parents to invite her for a couple of days to their home. If they have a very small home and there is a space problem, then your anger and resentment would be a little understandable but I have a feeling that, that is not the case here.

Your apprehension that she is going to complain abt your parents (that she' ll say \" hamein pucha nahin\" ) afterwards seems really surprising to me...because if your parents don' t invite her and you throw a fit about her staying with them, you are not concerned about what she' ll say about all this to others??!!

2) About your non-desi neighbor whom yr mom is getting close to - you said that \" my husband hung out with them, all the time when he was single. \" but now you \" barely visit them these days\" .

I' m curious as to why your husband dropped them like a hot potato from his friend circle. Anyways, the neighbor seems to be nice and I think that she also likes your MIL' s company otherwise she would not have asked her to come to her son' s class or to teach her ravioli or allow your MIL to babysit her son.

3) About the favors that your neighbor is doing for your MIL like taking her out the grocery store or yr MIL thinking of asking her to get her glasses fixed or post her mail - my question to you is, what the heck are you doing here?? You know your MIL cannot do these things by herself and you (or your hubby) have not offered to do it for her?? When she said that she' ll ask that neighbor, I' m shocked that both of you just sat there and you made faces at yr DH. Did it NOT occur to either of you to offer to post her mail or to take her to get a new eye prescription??!!

4) Introducing herself to your DH' s ex-colleague - Again, what is so wrong with it? Please read \" Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior\" because I think both your hubby and you need it. It is basic courtesy to introduce others (with you) when you meet someone you know. It does NOT matter that the person you met was an ex-colleague. It does however matter that you moved away from the group (wherein my dear, you committed another big faux pas) rather than introducing yourself and saying hello and on top of that wanted your MIL to follow your lead!

5) Lastly \" She knows every friend of my husband or he knows people mostly thru family- so they control all information. they r very interfering..know all our weekend plans\" -

Where is the interference here? Are you confusing your in-laws KNOWING your hubby' s friends and weekend plans with active interference? I' m confused here. Are they stopping your hubby from making any new friends? Are they stopping your hubby from meeting his existing friends? Are they stopping you from doing what you want to do on the weekend? How are they interfering??

How often is your MIL with you - since she mainly stays in the middle east?

If this is all that you have against her then by heavens, then you really need to let it go.