Relationships  Discussion Forum

For most of the conflicts in the life of a married lady everybody advise and expect her to have patience, ignore things, don’t react, don’t get angry, don’t argument, absorb everything etc etc. Parents also try to teach this to their daughters (never to Sons) as a part of their upbringing. I agree to the fact that doing this we are able to maintain peace in our life up to some extent but don’t you think we are loosing our self somewhere in the process. Loosing the power of standing to our points, believes and expressing our self. I strongly believe that all the negative things, which we absorb will definitely come out somewhere else at some other point of time in a bigger way. It can be in terms of bad health, mood or attitude. Can this be one of the explanations of the weird behaviors of our MILs because through out their life they absorbed so much in their life (you all will agree that things in our life are way better then it were in their life). Can there be any other way of living life where we don' t have to loose ourself in order to leave a peaceful life? helppriya replied. I think Saheli is right. I have written to this meassage board sone times in cases of frustration and it reallyhelped. It helped to know that other people are going through similar circumstances as well as other people are giving their honest and concerned opinions abt your situation. Thanks everyone for the help. Abt the main topic of the discussion, I think it is true. What our MILs were asked to do when they got married is expected from their DIls too. But we should know when to put our foot down and try to change our situations. I live with my inlaws and it gets difficult at times but I know when to show to others what I want . It is difficult but possible! Ritika replied. Hi Manee,

I agree with you in that if a person gives in too much and tries to maintain the so called peace(I' ll come to this later) at the cost of her own self esteem and self worth, it is a loss loss proposition for the person concerned.

But each person behaves differently after going through such suffering (depending on their inner nature). Some become better MILs (they do not want others to suffer what they did) and yet some others repeat the cycle( they want to see their DIL suffer just because they did).

About this peace aspect in the house - what exactly is it? How does one define it? Is it when everything is done according to one person' s directions (that could be MIL,FIL, Husband, SIL or even a DIL) and nobody objects? Or is it when even when you object, others ride rough shod over you and you are expected to keep quiet?

This kind of a thing is not peace. In a family people should be allowed to disagree.

A BIG reason why DIL' s suffer is because a lot of women even now are not financially independent. Even if they are working, they allow their husbands and in-laws to take away their salaries from them and keep away the financial control from them.

The second big reason why women suffer is FEAR. Fear of the society, fear of being \" not-liked\" by the in-laws (as if!), relatives, distant acquaintances, fear that the husband will leave them, fear that they will be alone, fear that their parents will not support them etc.

So one way to avoid losing yourself, your self esteem and your self worth is by -

(1) being financially independent (the adv is 2 fold. You have a life beyond that of your husband and your in-laws(so all your energy is not focussed on them) + you have financial independence)

(2) being emotionally strong. Don' t take being in in-laws house as a popularity contest i.e. you do not have to make EVERYBODY happy. You can never do that. Realize and accept that. Stop fearing the unknown so much. Also , point(1) helps in getting over the fear part.

Speak up for issues that are important to you.

However, not EVERY issue is worth fighting over or debating over. You can adjust and give in on issues which you can live with. But on issues where you are losing sleep and getting depressed, it is important that you speak up.

(3)You also need to nurture the relationship with your husband. Because to a large extent, he is going to be your shield from your in-laws. This takes time. Do not start expecting that he' ll forget his family the day after he married you. DO not start expecting that he' ll fight with his family from day 1 to support you.

Most hubbys do not start off supportive. It takes time for them to realize that their wonderful mom can have another dimension to her personality.

My MIL didn' t treat me well after marriage. But frankly I did not lose sleep over it since I wasn' t going to stay with her. My life does not revolve around her and I' m quite indifferent to her. If she spoke badly to me on the phone, I just gave the phone to my hubby and walked away. I was not going to listen to people abusing me or my family. To make my hubby understand why I would not talk to his mother, I started using the speaker phone (without telling my MIL of course). The difference in her tone and conversation was so stark that it shook him. When she would talk to him, it would be all sugar and honey like \" beta, kya kar rahe the, khana khaya ki nahi, thak gaye hoge aaj, office mein bahut kaam tha kya etc etc\" when she spoke to me she would start off ekdam kadak tone mein \" kya kar rah thi maharani. Aaj khane mein kya banaya hai? Zara theek se khilaya karo apne pati ko warna kamzor ho jayega. Aur zyada aalas mat kiya karo khana banane mein\" etc etc.
:)

When he said that \" jaane do..badi hai etc\" , I asked him how would he feel if my dad talked to him like that. It was then he saw the light :)

I don' t see why one has to \" lose one self\" when can keep a boundary on what you will tolerate from your in-laws and your hubby.

Peaceful life should be for everybody (DIL included). So every body needs to give in a bit and do their bit.

Yes, compromises are key to a happy married life..but from both sides..sometimes when my hubby is angry, I go ahead and say sorry if it is not a major thing. Then if he still remains angry I sing a song ' yun rootho na hasina..' ) Sometimes, he says sorry if he said something hurtful. So it works both ways...

Just my 2 (or more) cents..

:)

Saheli replied. \" Can there be any other way of living life where we don' t have to loose ourself in order to leave a peaceful life?\"
Well, its hard to seek the golden middle. Exaggeration has been the rule of the society. Whatever rules and laws were made by the society for the sexes, have got exaggerated.

I think our culture believed in woman power, it believed that if there is anyone that can keep a family happy - its the woman. And anyone who can ruin, its the woman. She is the most powerful in these matters.

So they have her the responsibilities, put rules on her freedom. Over the centuries, it got exaggerated and took an ugly shape. That' s India and such cultures.

Look at western cultures, and the scene is different. I wont repeat it, we all know what the situation is.

We seem to be going the same way, women are waking up, their self-esteem is \" waking up\" . We are realising what we were losing and we are standing up to live our life our way. There' s a fear that this sense of awakening might also get exaggerated and take us too far, and destroy the good values.

As you have mentioned, if we are supressing our wishes and following the rules against wishes, this will build up and burst one day. Even before I read your lines about \" is this why our MILs are like that\" ... the same thought had flashed to me!

E=mc2 .. the Einstein' s rule ... energy cannot be created nor destroyed, it just changes its form .... this is applicable everywhere. All the sorrows and wishes these MILs had supressed, comes out in the form of bitterness. Who can they take it on? Hubby? son? daugher? Nah.
DIL. Thats the answer.
And if you notice, they also try to take out the wrath on many other little things. These women attempt to be perfectionists but are not, cannot prioritize, are jack of all trades master of none ... and are unhappy and dissatisfied in life despite of everything.

Its good that we DILs are realising this and not doing the same mistake. Its ok to stand up and refuse for what is incorrect. Time to have our own self esteem, time to live our life our own way, and enjoy it.
To maintain the balance, is in our hands.
This will also lose its balance and get exaggerated and women will start misuing their freedom.

Nothin can stop it. The show will go on.

If we can make the most of these boards, this medium, realise and act, try n help each other ... that will be great. We are not just DILs but also making tomorrow' s socety. What we teach our children, will make tomorrow' s world.

Good thoughts Manee. dia replied. Just this is my thought of each and every day,Dear!
As DILs, If we dont feel pressured to maintain peace and try to be cool, It' s just in minutes we can loose many relations especially with Inlaws.

Self Esteem?!! Recently my sil visited home and she is not cultured enough though brought up in educated fzmily and doing a decent job. She gets irritation and shouts on everyone. Also, during her recent visit(3days back) she happened to shout on me for taking my baby inside room as she was scratching her son...
Ok, till then we were talking friendly ,so should I take it or ignore as she has that weakness by birth?
She looses her senses and I manytimes advised her to not to hit her kids with her anger. she took positively and reacted nicely that she has not possessed patience like me.And I' m rare person to be cool this much.

So, this is my relation with her( dont have much differences except personal...but talk friendly). When she shouted at me, Should I accept her weakness OR Should I maintain seriousness which make her to leave my home next day ??

This was just nagging in my mind. But, I felt whether I gave leniance to her so that she shouted? Or can I take it because she treat me like family member and cant hide any emotions(whether happy or angry...at times praises me too)

If our relation was sour I would have shouted back to her. But I ,myself dont want to make realation sour so, kept quite and didnt talk for 1 or 2hours and nodded silently whtaever she told. She even couldnt figure out y I got hurt, because its common to her that she feel right over everyone and shouts.

If I tell her not to shout on me even in smooth voice, she stop feeling me as one of family members and keeps herself in distance while maintaining same close relation with my hubby.

Manee, I know what I' m telling is not exact answer to ur post...But as its already in mind, I' m pouring out in my way.
Sorry if I mislead topic.


But, Onething is for sure...I thought of keeping this incident in front of all of our friends and wanted to ask how would have they reacted if they were me...So ur thoughts r welcome!