Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi Saheli,

I' m impressed with your rational solutions that you give to others. So am posting this. This is not a big problem as such...but a temporary problem.
Am married for 3 years now and have a baby of 11/2 year old. I live with my hubby and inlaws. My inlaws are quite old , in their 70s. We have a caretaker for my baby who works from morning to evening. Mil and myself share the cooking part and we have another maid for washing, etc

The temporary problem I' m talking about is from my sil' s kids. SIL (only sis, though elder to my hubby) sends her kids (girls aged 17 and 11) to our place for holidays. We all live in the same city at a distance of 6-8 kms. So these kids come to their gran' s place (our place) for holidays of around 2-3 months in a year.
I feel that holidays are quite extended here...with a baby and so many other household activities, I find it difficult to maintain a healthy environment with these kids around. Too many reasons...or probably my mindset problem here, since I have grown up only with a brother and was not used to too many people in the house.
- no privacy
- mil gets that extra power with these kids and so indulges in extra cooking and sweets preparations, and gets herself tired
- these kids get into the kitchen and try a lot of experimentation that comes on tv shows. mil encourages this.
- they dont keep their things properly (it takes extra effort for me to keep the house clean)
- they compare everything in our house to theirs and this results in some pros and cons (let me not get into that now!).
- they dont have good hygenic habits...which I cannot correct ' coz sil would get upset (actually they dont feel its unhygenic and say kids do that...so ignore it). For eg, the younger one has lot of hair and lot of ' lice' . It increases when she stays here since we dont find time to clean her hair regularly (she' s fussy about it and it takes more than an hour to wash..moreover mil and sil, they dont want to try any medicated shampoo for the lice). Now the problem is the lice has spread to my baby too :(
- everyday they call up their parents atleast 2-3 times and report all that happened (I understand the need of kids speaking to their parents daily...but 2-3 times for around 15 mins and that too the happenings in our family!??) I feel the pinch when I see the telephone bill that month.
- For my hubby, all these are ignorable things... he has seen these kids since their birth and very fond of them.Moreover I get to feel ignored, lonely since he spends the after-office hours with them. Even to discuss some private family matter, I' ve to wait for the bedtime...and he sleeps off early. He leaves at 7 AM in the morning...so I dont get any of his time.
- Mil and hubby discuss everything be it finances, some elderly topics in front of these kids and sometimes take their opinion too.
- they accompany in all our family outings...even to the weekly parents' s visit (I visit my parents every weekend).
- Sil and her hubby visits our house every alternate days when these kids are here and sometimes I get to feel that its their house and we are guests.

By the way , hubby or me will not even know when these kids are coming to stay with us and when they leave. They just take us for granted.Consdiering these as disadvantages...there are benefits too.One biiig thing is they treat my daughter like a princess and play with her wholeheartedly. They love her a lot and my baby enjoys their company. Though we have the caretaker for the baby, these girls pamper her and teach a lot of things to her and give a kind of family bonding. Me being a working mother, their attention to the baby helps! They sometimes help me in the kitchen..and sometimes do petty shopping around the house. Another thing is during my small disagreements with mil, these 2 girls support me. I actually love these girls ' coz they are kids and I get to share a lot of things with them. I even buy some nice dresses and cosmetics for them. These girls treat me like a friend and we chat with each other a great deal.

So after all this, I somehow feel that the relationship between me and hubby gets spoilt during their stay...and it takes one more month for us to get back to normal.Somehow we would' ve developed a lot of complaints and misunderstandings against each other. By the time we clear all that and get back to normal and enjoying life, winter holidays would start and this goes on...
Hubby says I' ve to be more broadminded...Am I really mean now? How do I tackle these and still smile in that phase???

sorry for the long post...but wanted to give proper details! NALINI replied.
BE BROAD MINDED. THESE GIRLS PRESENCE IS A BLESSING TO YOUR KID' S PERSONALITY GROWTH, NO DOUBT.

Saheli replied. sorry for long post, dont hv time to cut short, gotta go

I had asked you ' what do you want' bec I wanted to know what you are mentally prepared for. Good to see that you are prepared to adjust and are open for changing youself wherever possible. This recognition of problem and openness to adapt is half problem solved, u know!? There was no sense in giving tips on adjustment to comeone if he/she is not ready for it.

Ideally, it is expected from anyone in this relation to ask you before sending kids to your place .... and thank you too. But if someone is not doing that, please just forgive the person. Think that if that person had this much understanding, then at the first place, he/she would not send kids as guests for that long!

Now, with the type of relationships you have mentioned with your folks, the type of temparament they seem to have, it doesnt seem to me that open and polite communication would help. Or even if it may help, it will also carry a frown for you, always. If its taken too negative, those people may just withdraw themselves totally (infinity or zero). Moreover, it will be remembered for ever, and you will hear the ' bitter words' from others for the rest of your life for spoling the relationship.

I personally believe in open communication, talking with love and respect .... as far as possible. I hate to suggest tricks and games. But at times, if it needs, it can be implemented unless it does not have a negative flavor, is mild, and doesnt hurt anyone. I ll explain what I mean* as we see what we can do about your issues, one by one.

Tidy house - Forget this while they are there. Just worry about your room and your baby. In fact I wd say, even dont straighten the house too much every morning. About baby' s room or baby' s stuff, be polite and straightforward with the kids in telling rules. Explain them why it is imp to keep baby' s things clean as she might catch infection, say that the doc has said so. And do this when u r alone with kids. I dont think they will complain anybody abt it, bec they too know that every house has set of rules that guests need to follow. And if at all they do, accept it and say that doc has suggested to be careful abt baby' s stuff.

Dont expect and dont try to maintain house at same level as it is without guests. It' s not possible.

MIL getting hyperactive - Anything we can do about this rather than ' let go' ? I really wonder why these MILs get so crazy when someone is around. And you know what, let the kitchen be messy if cleaning again and again is a problem. Shift responsibilities to MIL as much possible when they are there. For eg, keeping tab at grocery, veggies, whats being cooked, whats to be cooked ... etc. Transfer it to mil. Physically and MENTALLY.

I was thinking, why not convert banes to boons? You said the kids cook, mil cooks. Whe yu r talking to kids, talk about food, and think when u need help in kithen and change the game so that u win it. Let me give eg. You need help for making dinner and you want to pulao happens to be one of the dishes. Start by asking them what are their fav foods .. come to fav home cooked food.. change the track to rice ....ask the 17yr old if she has ever tried making that special rice recipe on khana-khazana? See where her interest is and trigger her to cook that. (of course when mil not around)

Or else. While talking find out what all they like. Find out for all types - bfast lunch dinner. When you need help, a smart time before that, just make sure it reaches your mil' s ears that the kid wants to eat this.

Your time and you -
You said you visit your parents every weekend. You know what? Somewhere, reason they are taking you for granted Or not bothering about you is linked to this. Somewhere they are assuming \" ye bhi to aone mummy ke jati hai\" . Well.
Is it possible for you to extend your stay at mom' s? Say baby' s reason or anything? You can use that to have some cool time for you. Take the maid along if poss.

Another idea. Start the trend of closing the door of room where baby is sleeping even before kids arrive.Say she wakes up with little noise .. or somethibng. When kids are there and you want some privacy, you can be in ur room with baby saying u r putting her to sleep and shut the door.

Dont feel bad. It happens with everybody. You know, your mil too must be having some issues when the kids arrive, but she cant say it to anybody.
One similar incident happ with me when I was pregnant with my second baby.

I was into 7th/8th month of pregnancy and my hubby' s cousin and his wife shifted to our city and stayed with us as they immdly did not hv any residence. And they stayed for more than a month. My mil was not there and i did not hv a full time maid. And I am a working person.
Although I am her jethani and she was a 1 yr old bahu, she never moved her butt and I was doing all the housework with that huge belly. I would even bring the morning tea tray into their room, where they and my hubby wd be watching News lieing on the bed! And moreover, none of them had respect to move and give me space to sit (no chair in room).
My hubby never supported me in this, although he agreed that I was jethani plus pregnant so I shd be given place to sit. The elder brother (mu hubby) then started making space for me to sit but they never moved.

I started getting too tired, my legs were swelling. I dint have friends or relatives in the city. Guess what I did?
I settled extra pay with the maid. And .... i took up a room in a hotel nearby! At around 3 pm, I took half day from office, took maid and kid and stayed in hotel till 11 pm. I called up and said that I will come home late from office and kid has gone to his friend' s place.

And i told it to hubby in one line and went away.
When i started doing that more often, my hubby realised and indicated the couple to help me in house chores.

Lice problem - Dont say anything to mil or sil. Stop talking about lice at all!
Be alone with 11 yr old and talk to her about what is lice and how it sucks blood. Once she is scared, she will co-operate with you.
End of topic - till you do this that too after a day or 2 -
1) If they are refusing for shampoo, try using Mediker hair oil on the 11 yr old' s. That is effective too. 2) Get lycil oil. Mix it with coconut oil. Call the kid one night after dinner and apply it in her hair. Tell her then what u hv applied as she will need to take care not to touch it anywhere (i think its little bit posonous) 3) What shampoo do they use when they are there? Any shampoo that is available in bathroom? Then do this. Get a shampoo that they havent used before. Empy the contents and pour mediker/lice shampoo in it, and fill it. If you bring a shampoo bottle that looks imported, there is little room for doubt.

Phone calls about your personal life - Let go. Its ok.


Privacy, you and hubby - You are right and this is imp. Doesnt matter much to hubbies but it takes us a good while to settle back. It' ll be good if you start depending and expecting less much on/from hubby. Start thinking about enjoying time and life alone or with kid. Actually, after marriage we get so much bonded with hubby that we cant think of anything without him.
Time to de-link, baby.

But also, you need to spend time alone with him. Plan baby' s doctor visit/vaccination visit at those times (other kid' s bday party, such opportunities). Go out with hubby and after doctor, request him to take you out somewhere.

Discussing family matters when kids are around - Strange! But again, let go. Its not right I know. But still, let go. Because it doesnt harm.


Family outings and visiting your parents - Yes, you need to take them at times, though not always.
But - If you are dependent on hubby to go to ur parent' s place, it wont look good to go without those kids. Dont expect that. If you want to do what you want, be independent and then u can do that (carry baby in car seat or settle with maid or whatever other help possible).

Reducing duration of stay - Is there any common, trustworthy person thru whom this message can be passed? So trustworthy that that person will hint as if he is on their side and not urs?
Or, go to a book stall and look at the ladies magazines like Vanita, Meri Saheli (its name of mag, not me!), Sarita, etc. Look for stories/articles related to guests ... some thing that talks about etiquettes of guests. And simply send it to SIL by post ANONIMOUSLY. Surname different but address same, as if it reached them by mistake.
Do it during normal times, that is, NOT before/during/after kids visit.

I dont hope too much that SIL will learn, but i m just suggesting ways and u can pick if seems suitable.

In no way you should indicate to her that the you dont like it or the period is too long. Dont indicate to mil, and STOP talking about it to hubby. He cant/wont do anything. All you will get is his dis-respect towards you.

U r right, this issue is temporary. The kids will be busy soon with higher education etc.
When the kids are there, talk to them casually ... and talk about summer camps, learning new things, swimming, etc, personality dev classes. So that it encourages them and next time they go for it rather than spending time at urs. Be smart and careful, they are old enough to guess whats cooking.


Overall -

You re doing a good job and continue with that. You know what u r doing?
You are keeping such a huge family together by sacrificing. Kudos to u. Its not easy at these times. Women rebel, revolt. Tamasha karti hain. Vehave bad with kids.

Your sacrifice is letting the whole family enjoy fruit of togetherness. 1000 adjustments and sacrifices from ur side u do ...but u will not hear a word from them oif thanks or gratitude. And one single bitter word will stop SIL coming ro ur place, mil will taunt u forever after that, and hubby will be unhappy forever for spoling happiness and integrity of a family.

See the power u have?

Dont expect recognition. Realise it and add to it.

I have told u now how valuable and resposible ur role is. U will agree that u dont need any recog or thanks now. God is watching. Hubby is wathicng too and will thank u one day. May be at 55 yrs of age.
Be patient.

To make your hubby do some things that u want during their stay, u need to be nice to them in hubby' s eyes. If he sees u liking them, caring for them, and then if u ask him to spend evening with u, he will do it. Need to wear that mask. And stop talking against them to hubby.

Why SIL is not thanking you is because you are not praising the kids to her. Not praising as much. Your doing what you are supposed to do doesnt seem to be recognized by her. You need to show it off to her. Or may be, your talks about lice and all are showing negative side.

People ignore that other person is tolerating the kids for 2-3m and moreover, they frown when suggestion given on lice. hahaha. Unfair.
No issues. We can wear a mask.
Go SIL' s way. Even if u dont do all that u were doing for the kids, but praise them to her, to mil, to hubby, to the kids as well.

Speak what others want to listen.

Last but not least. Enjoy, actually. When the kids are their, stop worrying about house, etc. Get into the party mood with them and get interested in things the family does and enjoy it. The rule is ... if your neighbor has put on the radio too loud and is disturbing you .... enjoy the music as if he has put it loud for u.
Just take care of the baby, no compromise with that.

pls keep us posted. Suggesting u was not my objective. I want to hear from u how u r doing and that u r happier. raj replied. I was reading your post again today.
About phone bills,if your hubby does not mind,cant do much.I can get your angst,and your hubby is seeing things from his perspective,so he finds it not too trouble some.
That you are taken for granted is also not too strange.Dont attach too much to that,they feel informin grandparents (as elders of the family)about their arrival and departure is enough.You can use this to plan your own vacation adn if told they are coming on same dates,say Oh i wasnt informed i did not know,anyway now we' ll go aheasd with our plans.
Since you like the kids and they adore your baby,dont turn the issue bitter with your worries.Instead think positively how to solve.As they say ' ' sáamp bhi mare aur lathi bhi na toote' ' .
By the way,my maami impressed upon her hubby that he needs to go ahead in his career,so that kids have a good life,to that end he wrote officers éxam in bank,became an officer got transferrd to another town and she was able to get her freedom,without hurting anyone. Saheli replied. Ask yourself - what do you want?

Do you want ideas on how to reduce the duration of their stay, or get rid of their vacation?

Or you want help in getting yourself adjusted with them?

Or .. anything else?

Think about this ane let us know.

And yes
long post always helps because 1) those who suggest take things on its face value 2) details and examples explain situation clearly and reader does not get biased

Last but not least, you are not being mean. You are being wonderful by trying to sort out your issue yourself, and in a positive way.

By asking you \" tell me what you want\" ... I m just trying to help you find your answers, rather than spoon feeding.

I havent got a chance to read raj' s reply yet. But I am sure she must have given helpful advice indeed. raj replied. Yur post describes a whole lot of my childhood.
I and my sibling were the kids who went to grandparents' place for hols.
My aunt(maami) was exactly in your situation.She too had no life,no privacy,her hubby doted on us,and life was a hungama during hols.
Cut to today-now I am a maami to my sil' s kids,and thanx to my maami who aceepted us with so much love and affection,i learnt how to attune to my hubby' s nephews and nieces.
Coming to your issue,you seem to be a very warm and caring person,surely your ILs will be proud to have a DIL like you.
What you feel about the kids is perfectly normal.I dont think you are mean.
A few ideas struck me,see if you could use them.
1.If possible,explain in the gentlest possible way to Sil(or Mil)whoever is more broad minded,that her kid' s hair be cut short in vacations,and you/mil be allowed to treat it with medicated shampoo/ayurvedic oils to cure this problem.If you need to prove that medicated shampoos are harm less use it first on your baby and then,show it to them so that they are ok with the idea(maybe you tried this).
Can you take off to your parents' place at least part of the time your sil' s kids are here?It' ll give you a break.
The rest of the time,try to insist on a routine with the older kids,in a fun way,keep reminding them in aneutral tone that they pick up their own stuff,and praise their efforts to all at dinnertime or so,so that all family members realise you are helping in moulding them to be responsible and caring.
Yes,all that intrusion is unnerving at times,but I cant think of anything but enduring it for the sake of your ILs hubby and ofcourse for your baby' s sake.
you will be richly rewarded for all your efforts to bond with the kids,believe me.I hold my maami sometimes in greater esteeem than my own mom,and my sil' s kids adore me too.My sil' s kids are closer my age than their mom and so they confide all their teenage problems and I' m so glad to help them out.