Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi all,
I have an issue.Ideas welcome.
I have old ILs,in their 80s(quite active for their age),me and hubby in our 30-40 age and kids under 10 years of age.
My mom says the elders' need has to be taken care first.I feel my kids are more dependent on me and hence I need to take care of their needs first.
Do you all have practical ideas on getting a balance in this situation?How do we prioritise?
Please remember that I do a good measure of balancing act like all other women most times but just wondering and looking out for fresh perspectives.
Thanx to all who take time to reply.
Raj. Chameli replied. Hi Rajini,

I thought i ' ll share my opinion here.

1.Regarding Attached bathrooms.Better give it to inlaws.Speak with ur kids abt their grand parents being not able to come out each time during nights to use the bathroom.Also tell them that they shud bring their dresses before taking bath and all that.

2.Food : U must try something new for your kids.Whenever you can make seperate food for kids.I don' t think ur husband will object to this.If he does,u got to speak to him.

3.Serving : Kids,when hugry and are seated in the table won' t definitely like to wait.So ask them to help themselves(may be in a pleading manner if they will give in).After all ur kids are more important than a frown.Are n' t they.

4.For outings thats important for kids.If they disagree.If they can be by themselves for a while,then u can take ur kids alone and later come and take them to a temple or something and compromise them.

You are not alone.My elder sister is sailing in the same boat as you.Her elder daughter is 15yrs old now and is often scolded by grand parents just beacuse she looks like her mother.She puts up with everything.i donno how.If it was me i wud have walked out. Saheli replied. Good questions about joint family, rajani. Its not just you who face this, even I face this and at times, don’t find answers and end-up adjusting as per elders’ wishes. When this started happening over and over again, and kids grew up, and me growing older, I felt its time I gave it a serious thought. How long wil i agree to senseless rules regarding kids? How ong will i curb my desires?
And the answer I got is to be justified.

I agree that elders need to be given preference/priority at times (as your mother says). The kids need to be given at other times (and we adults come last in the list!)

Follow the simple rule of maintaining the balance, but doing “what makes sense” when a decision needs to be taken. What I mean is –

Going out, cooking food, serving, respect – such expectations from elders should be met with. If food is being served to all, first it will be served to elders, then kids and then us. If there is less time to cook food and all are hungry, coko what elders want and teach kids to sacrifice and adjust and respect elders. If all are hungry, preferably serve elders first (unless kids are crying) (if kid is impatient, can give one biscuit or something light to keep kid busy till u serve. But try teaching him to be tolerant, to respect elders, to adjust, and that he may not always get what he wants).

But yes, it is fair to expect them to serve themselves thereafter as you attend the kids. I really dont agree to this Indian belief that bahu should serve and others will sit and eat. Gone are those times. Why dont you request hubby to take care of serving them after first serve? (I did that, and my MIL felt ashamed and started serving herself. For things that are not on table, my hubby or I get it for her.) If your hubby is not co-operating, you can be direct and strict. No need to feel guilty dear. The kids are too small to expect them to serve themselves or to eat food without supervision. The elders are not kids. And you are a human, not a machine.

What doesnt make sense, doesnt make sense. Period.

If there is some thing little to be shared in all, first share will go to old people, then if left, will go to kids, and then us. It’s ok if kids don’t get it and it’s different if elders sacrifice and give it to children. (okay, I am not talking about femine times, talking general).

But for all the points you have mentioned, I agree to you. You are putting elders first, and then you are putting children. But for some specific needs, and considering changing world today, considering the way children need to be brought up, the requirements that you feel are correct. Separate bathroom for kids, cooking different type of food, outing at places kid’s want (or even where you want) – I don’t think there is anything wrong in that.

If you guys don’t have a separate bathroom for kids now, why not build one up? This will also need time, which is good. Let some time go, you can say that ‘see! kids are sharing bathroom’, and later you can build a new one in backyard for kids. You don’t need to give excuses or prove yourself, or, the reasons you have mentioned are valid enough.

Just be brave and stick to it. Call masons, give contract, whatever, and build up one.

These days, it is infact more important to give diff type of food to the kids. One, because of the variety of food they see outside, so its imp to satisfy their taste buds otherwise they will develop tendency of eating out. Second, food outside is not too healthy or may contain preservatives and donno what. Even the potato chips and chocolates, if possible, should be made at home, I wd say. So burgers, pizzas, continental, Italian … experiments with food … definitely .. go for it. Explain them why and done. You are making also food that they want, right? Then let them say what they want. Ignore. (I am sure you are taking care of giving healthy food to kids and cooking it the right way so that nutrition is maintained. Hope your inlaws don’t mean to point at that).

I have seen a live example of this. My siblings and me were never exposed to variety of food – at home or outside. My hubby and his sis have used to eat outside a lot in their childhood, my MIL is the best cook I hv seen and she cooks such a wide variety of recipes that it surprises me! Result? I love eating out, I love junk food. My hubby and his sis love home cooked food and don’t have that “craze” for food.


Outings. When family is going out, go where elders want. Plan separate outings with kids (take out 1-2 hrs from office), and at these times, go to places kids like, also go to places you like (don’t curb your desires, you don’t know what it might burst into). If it’s a place where you cannot take kids (say shopping for dresses in a mall), drop kids at some play-zone. Or, plan it with a friend and her kids. Kids will be busy with each other, and you two can shop.
Don’t expect hubby to accompany you. Aata hai, aaye. Nahi aata, koi baat nahi! You can’t get everything!
Plan one outing with hubby once a month at least. Try saying you want to watch “that” movie (harry potter? I am sure your inlaws wont accompany!). Or simply, tell your hubby that you want to go with him for dinner, try explain you want to be alone with him because you love him (emotional, romantic lines can help!). M sure he will agree. Saheli replied. Please elaborate.

Because ..
yes, parents and children hold same priorities .. from one angel ...

from another angel ... children will be addressed/serve before elders for some reasons

at other places, old parents wil come first ..

So please elaborate your issue.