My problem is my husband (DH). I have been married for 3 yrs now and it was an arranged marriage. I was already in the US and employed before I got married.
My problem is DH is constantly vacillating and goes back and forth on what he says. He also has selective hearing and memory.
I quit my job to move to DH’s place after marriage because we were located in different parts of the country. Of course I talked to him and he agreed that it was the right thing to do. I wanted to give 100 to this relationship also he was not willing to relocate to my place because of his proximity to his brother and friends. It took 7 months for me to get a job during that time every time my in laws called they would ask questions like how come I am not able to get a job etc? Also DH’s brother' s wife (SIL) is not very adept in house work like cooking cleaning etc. at least that' s the picture both SIL and in laws portray, which means BIL ends up doing all that. So the first few days after marriage even though I would do everything by myself my in laws would ask questions who cooked today? Did I burn anything? How does it taste etc. To which DH would reply that we did it together. When I objected to it he would say that he was trying to portray that we are happy and doing things together and that I am just hungry for praise. Anyway longs story short. My in laws were present when we bought a house and during the Grihapravesh. On that auspicious MIL told me that she will do \" NAASH\" (Destroy) my house. I was so shocked that I could not utter anything. DH claims that it didn' t happen at all and if she did say something like that then that is not what she meant he says she used a Sanskrit word \" NASTI\" which means dirty that they use frequently. I had a miscarriage during which in laws were visiting for a second time. Even though I was still recovering and in no mood to travel DH insisted that we take them to Las Vegas and Hawaii. They have come to the US at least 4 or 5 times before but they have never been to any place. I told DH to go with his parents but to please excuse me to which he threatened that he will never come anywhere with us when my parents coming visiting us. In Vegas my FIL when all (Myself, MIL and DH) were together tells DH that he should never bring me to LV instead tell me that he is going on a official trip and call the strippers and enjoy with them. Literally, he said the exact same words to which neither DH nor MIL said anything. When I confronted DH later. He said. He was also just wondering why his father said that, but he probably didn' t mean any harm. My FIL also made some bad comments about my father and his job. My Mother has taught me several tricks to make my day to day cooking job easier. Some of which I used when my in laws were visiting. They were surprised about my efficiency and I told them that my mother taught me. To which my FIL said that my mother is not that smart she didn' t invent anything. I never claimed my mother invented anything my mom is a voracious reader and a keen observer and she always picks up new things from different places, books and internet. If he or his children are so smart why can' t they do that same thing? DH also does that same thing to me. He wants to know my opinions on various topics like medicine, religion, including my recipes etc and then he puts his label to my opinions and thought etc and passes it as his own in front of people. And people think that he is really that smart and intelligent. However he doesn' t pass things that his mother or sister or brother or even friends say or do as his own. If I confront he says that I didn' t invent it and that I need to share in order to get more.
We wanted to go to India last year since I haven’t been there after I got married and I am really missing my people. Even though DH promised that we would keep our plans intact we cancelled our trip to India and went to Hawaii instead because of his parents. We were trying to get pregnant again and half way through my husband wanted to postpone trying and go to India instead because his grand parents are getting old and may not live long that is the very same reason I wanted to go to India last year but he cancelled it because of his parents. I recently had a second miscarriage and DH thinks we should take advantage of the situation to go to India. While at the same time he wants to try again. He has also hit me and used abusive language at me several times in the past. I am very tired, confused and not confident about my future because of DH constant vacillating ways. Most of which are heavily influenced by his mother. I have talked to him about going separate ways and he doesn’t want to do it. Yesterday we had a fight and he said that he is going to throw me out of the house because I am problematic for him. Why? I have been telling all along that I don' t want to stay either. He just wants to do the throwing out part so I look bad in front of his people and friends. All this is really impacting my health. In spite of all this DH claims that he is righteous. He is otherwise good and helps around the house etc. I talked to my parents they are hurt but want me to hang in there. I apologize for unorganized thoughts and a really long post but I am all over the place right now. Please advice what I should do. Only genuine advice please.
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My problem is my husband (DH). I have been married for 3 yrs now and it was an arranged marriage. I was already in the US and employed before I got married.
My problem is DH is constantly vacillating and goes back and forth on what he says. He also has selective hearing and memory.
I quit my job to move to DH’s place after marriage because we were located in different parts of the country. Of course I talked to him and he agreed that it was the right thing to do. I wanted to give 100 to this relationship also he was not willing to relocate to my place because of his proximity to his brother and friends. It took 7 months for me to get a job during that time every time my in laws called they would ask questions like how come I am not able to get a job etc? Also DH’s brother' s wife (SIL) is not very adept in house work like cooking cleaning etc. at least that' s the picture both SIL and in laws portray, which means BIL ends up doing all that. So the first few days after marriage even though I would do everything by myself my in laws would ask questions who cooked today? Did I burn anything? How does it taste etc. To which DH would reply that we did it together. When I objected to it he would say that he was trying to portray that we are happy and doing things together and that I am just hungry for praise. Anyway longs story short. My in laws were present when we bought a house and during the Grihapravesh. On that auspicious MIL told me that she will do \" NAASH\" (Destroy) my house. I was so shocked that I could not utter anything. DH claims that it didn' t happen at all and if she did say something like that then that is not what she meant he says she used a Sanskrit word \" NASTI\" which means dirty that they use frequently. I had a miscarriage during which in laws were visiting for a second time. Even though I was still recovering and in no mood to travel DH insisted that we take them to Las Vegas and Hawaii. They have come to the US at least 4 or 5 times before but they have never been to any place. I told DH to go with his parents but to please excuse me to which he threatened that he will never come anywhere with us when my parents coming visiting us. In Vegas my FIL when all (Myself, MIL and DH) were together tells DH that he should never bring me to LV instead tell me that he is going on a official trip and call the strippers and enjoy with them. Literally, he said the exact same words to which neither DH nor MIL said anything. When I confronted DH later. He said. He was also just wondering why his father said that, but he probably didn' t mean any harm. My FIL also made some bad comments about my father and his job. My Mother has taught me several tricks to make my day to day cooking job easier. Some of which I used when my in laws were visiting. They were surprised about my efficiency and I told them that my mother taught me. To which my FIL said that my mother is not that smart she didn' t invent anything. I never claimed my mother invented anything my mom is a voracious reader and a keen observer and she always picks up new things from different places, books and internet. If he or his children are so smart why can' t they do that same thing? DH also does that same thing to me. He wants to know my opinions on various topics like medicine, religion, including my recipes etc and then he puts his label to my opinions and thought etc and passes it as his own in front of people. And people think that he is really that smart and intelligent. However he doesn' t pass things that his mother or sister or brother or even friends say or do as his own. If I confront he says that I didn' t invent it and that I need to share in order to get more.
We wanted to go to India last year since I haven’t been there after I got married and I am really missing my people. Even though DH promised that we would keep our plans intact we cancelled our trip to India and went to Hawaii instead because of his parents. We were trying to get pregnant again and half way through my husband wanted to postpone trying and go to India instead because his grand parents are getting old and may not live long that is the very same reason I wanted to go to India last year but he cancelled it because of his parents. I recently had a second miscarriage and DH thinks we should take advantage of the situation to go to India. While at the same time he wants to try again. He has also hit me and used abusive language at me several times in the past. I am very tired, confused and not confident about my future because of DH constant vacillating ways. Most of which are heavily influenced by his mother. I have talked to him about going separate ways and he doesn’t want to do it. Yesterday we had a fight and he said that he is going to throw me out of the house because I am problematic for him. Why? I have been telling all along that I don' t want to stay either. He just wants to do the throwing out part so I look bad in front of his people and friends. All this is really impacting my health. In spite of all this DH claims that he is righteous. He is otherwise good and helps around the house etc. I talked to my parents they are hurt but want me to hang in there. I apologize for unorganized thoughts and a really long post but I am all over the place right now. Please advice what I should do. Only genuine advice please.
Dia replied. Dear TnC,
Seriously Speaking,Many of ur points mentioned about ur hubby' s attitude and behaviour are not much serious to the extent to leave him. Infact ,many of indian women gets shocked with DH' s double standards.This las-vegas trip and india visit...all u can tolerate for now, and later when u get the chains in ur hand(Yes, time come and he' ll all listen to u ) , then u can change him little and make him realise how double standards hurt u in a smooth way while telling all examples.
Ur FIL talking that manner in LV- Hey , Pl take it easy. He must have gone mad to that atmosphere and lost SENSE to say such things in DIL' s presence. When some odd things happen in ur hubby' s presence...Pl remember not to fight about them. ALready he must have noticed and felt odd. Then u just can mention in cool way u didnt like him saying so. then he too say \" yeah, I too wondered y did my father say so\" .Then u can cut the topic. The more u argue on it , he' ll tend to support them more... Just mention and leave it while moving forward to another work.In this early stage, he' ll not accept in ur presence that they r really at fault .So all ur arguments push him towards them.
The more u talk about them , the more he gets to support them.
Ok, About India Trip, Even this issue needs time and ur marriage needs time to make him do what u wish for. Pl BELIEVE ME ,He has love towards u though u can identify it or not. Pl think about his positives.
Also , Pl stop drilling in to his attitude in depth. Sorry dear,But it makes u to hate him.No man is perfect . But he has some ego problem just like many. If he notice that u r ' not' much particular about credit in his home and let him tell what he wish for ,He himself start telling about u. OK? hope u got what I mean.
Even my hubby used to tell his mom that we did mirchi ,we did pakoda, we did samosa and it tasted wonderful...I used to surprise because he never shared in that work,.I never aksed him y did he say so, But after some days i felt its nice and they got adjusted to the feeling\" DIL is not just maid to their son , and son is equall participating in kitchen So that they realise son love DIL verymiuch and cant see her wroking alone\" ,This is the tip told by a councellor to newly married guys.Believe it or not!
I too wondered when I read in net, IS my hubby that matured to follow such meaningful things? but yes,situations and home atmosphere teach men to protect their wives in some ways.At some times, Pl dont bother about their impression towards u. Its his responsibility to build good image on his wife in his parents view. He' s definitely take care of it.
Next,Taking ur views and putting forward in discussion with others ,is a sign that he respect ur views. After all, he is ur hubby and if he gets credit for these views, its ok . He knows this fact that u r smart and ur opinions matter. Then y do u worry ,dear? Y do u want him to mention it? Its just issue to ignore. Sorry If I' m wrong but if u start nagging about credit (Pl dont mind me saying this,) u r not wrong in expecting credit, but As for him, it might be his nature and u have to accept him as he is.if u question it, he' ll loose trust in u and might stop feeling ' own' . First, Pl remove EGo problems between both of u.Any feel/Opinion shd be shared btwn 2of u without any \" ITS MINE AND I' M SMARTER THAN U\" feeling.Then only u both get real understanding.He seems to be egotic ,so if u ignore it,Soon u' ll wonder to see a change in him.
But... Dear TnC,Coming to Abusive behaviour, Pl stop it and dont tolerate anymore .Stay cool in all other issues till u get the keys to his heart . But in this issue,Just tell him u' ll leave him if anytime hitting/Scolding happen in ur home again.Tell him with a firm voice that u can excuse him in any other thing but cant tolerate abusive behaviour.
As ritika said,Pl dont plan any child till ur relation gets better.
You r married for 3yrs only and still he needs time to realise ur individuality and self respect.So wait and see! Till 5yrs of marriage, many women see different facets in her man and wish he would have made different ,more to say, just like her... But no way, friend, he is juts made that way and slowly he' ll change ...but if u move two steps towards him while accepting his negatives, Soon he' ll make atleast one step towards u.... Only his first step is important ...later on he' ll be all ur ' Dear Hubby' (Even now , he is ur DH ,right? I can see it in ur every line DH,DH... :) )
All the best, Friend!
TnC replied. Thank you Ritika, Raj and imk for your advice. I have put a lot into this relationship already. So I will definately give counselling a shot. At first though I just have to go by myself, DH doesn' t want to go, but that' s fine. Once again Thank you.
Sincerely TnC
raj replied. Hi dear,
I go all the way with Ritikaá analysis.I agree that counselling will help you both,or even if he does not agree to go,it will still help you.
This kind of emotional overload will obviously tell on you,please try to go for brisk walks,some exercise as that will help you cope.
Dont take pysical abuse as that could also become a habit.You have the right and power to stop it.Keep your self confidence,you will come out of this ordeal.
I have experienced some of these that you have written about and have come out successfully,only by digging my heels in,stubborn about not leaving the marriage and trying to make it work.You too can do it.But it' s for you to decide whether you want to stay or leave the marriage.
But my advice is ---before deciding to leave try out counselling.
All the besst.
We' d all love to help out,so keep posting for anything else too.
All the best.
Raj.
imk replied. If you want to leave, as you claim is your wish, why have you not done so? And why make a post asking if you should stay or go? You are living in the US, a country that doesn' t accept domestic violence and yet you fail to report the abuse your husband does to you. What you seek are words to make your situation tolerable, understandable and hopeful. You have three choices, stay & accept things as they are, stay & try tobring about positive change for you and DH or lastly leave and rebuild your life.
Ritika replied. First of all, please, please don' t get pregnant now.
Bringing a baby into this volatile situation where you are having thoughts and talks on separation, is not good. Not fair to the baby at all...
About the others, I would advice you to go to a marriage counsellor. As you are in the US, it should be easy for you to find somebody good.
Some of the things you have mentioned - like taking credit for cooking, housework, opinions are not that important I think...fairly tolerable in a marriage I think...
In fact you can take all of this in a positive way - on how much influence you have over your husband' s thoughts..:)he is taking yr ideas and passing them off as his own, that means he must respect you more than you know...
About cooking, its good if he takes a little credit...then when in laws come visiting, it wouldnt seem shocking to them to see him helping you in the kitchen etc.
About some other stuff you have mentioned - like hitting you and abusing you, that' s waaaay more serious than anything else.
If his mother is egging him on to hit you, then tell her that you will not tolerate any violance any more...and that her precious son will go to jail if he raises his hand on you any more..warn yr husband also that you will call 911 if he abuses you again...
About leaving your husband - it all depends on how much you love him. If you think that apart from his vaccilating ways, he' s fine...then as I said before, give counselling a shot...
All the best..
2007-07-04
#1
Name: Dia Subject: Hi!
Dear TnC,
Seriously Speaking,Many of ur points mentioned about ur hubby' s attitude and behaviour are not much serious to the extent to leave him. Infact ,many of indian women gets shocked with DH' s double standards.This las-vegas trip and india visit...all u can tolerate for now, and later when u get the chains in ur hand(Yes, time come and he' ll all listen to u ) , then u can change him little and make him realise how double standards hurt u in a smooth way while telling all examples.
Ur FIL talking that manner in LV- Hey , Pl take it easy. He must have gone mad to that atmosphere and lost SENSE to say such things in DIL' s presence. When some odd things happen in ur hubby' s presence...Pl remember not to fight about them. ALready he must have noticed and felt odd. Then u just can mention in cool way u didnt like him saying so. then he too say \" yeah, I too wondered y did my father say so\" .Then u can cut the topic. The more u argue on it , he' ll tend to support them more... Just mention and leave it while moving forward to another work.In this early stage, he' ll not accept in ur presence that they r really at fault .So all ur arguments push him towards them.
The more u talk about them , the more he gets to support them.
Ok, About India Trip, Even this issue needs time and ur marriage needs time to make him do what u wish for. Pl BELIEVE ME ,He has love towards u though u can identify it or not. Pl think about his positives.
Also , Pl stop drilling in to his attitude in depth. Sorry dear,But it makes u to hate him.No man is perfect . But he has some ego problem just like many. If he notice that u r ' not' much particular about credit in his home and let him tell what he wish for ,He himself start telling about u. OK? hope u got what I mean.
Even my hubby used to tell his mom that we did mirchi ,we did pakoda, we did samosa and it tasted wonderful...I used to surprise because he never shared in that work,.I never aksed him y did he say so, But after some days i felt its nice and they got adjusted to the feeling\" DIL is not just maid to their son , and son is equall participating in kitchen So that they realise son love DIL verymiuch and cant see her wroking alone\" ,This is the tip told by a councellor to newly married guys.Believe it or not!
I too wondered when I read in net, IS my hubby that matured to follow such meaningful things? but yes,situations and home atmosphere teach men to protect their wives in some ways.At some times, Pl dont bother about their impression towards u. Its his responsibility to build good image on his wife in his parents view. He' s definitely take care of it.
Next,Taking ur views and putting forward in discussion with others ,is a sign that he respect ur views. After all, he is ur hubby and if he gets credit for these views, its ok . He knows this fact that u r smart and ur opinions matter. Then y do u worry ,dear? Y do u want him to mention it? Its just issue to ignore. Sorry If I' m wrong but if u start nagging about credit (Pl dont mind me saying this,) u r not wrong in expecting credit, but As for him, it might be his nature and u have to accept him as he is.if u question it, he' ll loose trust in u and might stop feeling ' own' . First, Pl remove EGo problems between both of u.Any feel/Opinion shd be shared btwn 2of u without any \" ITS MINE AND I' M SMARTER THAN U\" feeling.Then only u both get real understanding.He seems to be egotic ,so if u ignore it,Soon u' ll wonder to see a change in him.
But... Dear TnC,Coming to Abusive behaviour, Pl stop it and dont tolerate anymore .Stay cool in all other issues till u get the keys to his heart . But in this issue,Just tell him u' ll leave him if anytime hitting/Scolding happen in ur home again.Tell him with a firm voice that u can excuse him in any other thing but cant tolerate abusive behaviour.
As ritika said,Pl dont plan any child till ur relation gets better.
You r married for 3yrs only and still he needs time to realise ur individuality and self respect.So wait and see! Till 5yrs of marriage, many women see different facets in her man and wish he would have made different ,more to say, just like her... But no way, friend, he is juts made that way and slowly he' ll change ...but if u move two steps towards him while accepting his negatives, Soon he' ll make atleast one step towards u.... Only his first step is important ...later on he' ll be all ur ' Dear Hubby' (Even now , he is ur DH ,right? I can see it in ur every line DH,DH... :) )
All the best, Friend!
2007-07-06
#2
Name: TnC Subject: Thank you Dia
Thank you Dia, What ever you said makes sense. I also thought about all this in the last few days. I was overwhelmed with the miscarrige and his sudden change in plan / I mean India trip. He created this rule that if we go anywhere it should be togther. And now he wants to break it since its convienient for him. This is the case with everything. Anyway, I feel much better now, lot more clearer. I will try to be more patient and not react to these things. Also I agree with all of you about not rushing into pregnancy and give it some more time.
Thank you
TnC
2007-07-04
#3
Name: ragu Subject: touching lines
Hi Dia u words r so perfect and true. Really i miss u all these days. Tnc is lucky.
But for planning kids , i think its rite time since she is able to forget surrounding and concentrate herself and enter new world of joy.
2007-07-02
#4
Name: TnC Subject: Thank you
Thank you Ritika, Raj and imk for your advice. I have put a lot into this relationship already. So I will definately give counselling a shot. At first though I just have to go by myself, DH doesn' t want to go, but that' s fine. Once again Thank you.
Sincerely TnC
2007-07-04
#5
Name: Ragu Subject: an idea!
Hi friend,
Mine is different but same problem , the problem with money since his parents use to get a lot without my knowledge and will say wrong abt me so i go mad sometime .We came india and settled here last year, i thought we need a baby to drag my husband attention now he started seeing us both . If u r in NJ i got a good indian lady for counselling whom i spoke . If u need let me give their Address.
My advice is to get a kid so that u will be getting some persons to look after u and u have some hope in life .
2007-07-02
#6
Name: raj Subject: great idea
Hi dear,
I go all the way with Ritikaá analysis.I agree that counselling will help you both,or even if he does not agree to go,it will still help you.
This kind of emotional overload will obviously tell on you,please try to go for brisk walks,some exercise as that will help you cope.
Dont take pysical abuse as that could also become a habit.You have the right and power to stop it.Keep your self confidence,you will come out of this ordeal.
I have experienced some of these that you have written about and have come out successfully,only by digging my heels in,stubborn about not leaving the marriage and trying to make it work.You too can do it.But it' s for you to decide whether you want to stay or leave the marriage.
But my advice is ---before deciding to leave try out counselling.
All the besst.
We' d all love to help out,so keep posting for anything else too.
All the best.
Raj.
2007-06-30
#7
Name: imk Subject:
If you want to leave, as you claim is your wish, why have you not done so? And why make a post asking if you should stay or go? You are living in the US, a country that doesn' t accept domestic violence and yet you fail to report the abuse your husband does to you. What you seek are words to make your situation tolerable, understandable and hopeful. You have three choices, stay & accept things as they are, stay & try tobring about positive change for you and DH or lastly leave and rebuild your life.
2007-06-30
#8
Name: Ritika Subject: Re:
First of all, please, please don' t get pregnant now.
Bringing a baby into this volatile situation where you are having thoughts and talks on separation, is not good. Not fair to the baby at all...
About the others, I would advice you to go to a marriage counsellor. As you are in the US, it should be easy for you to find somebody good.
Some of the things you have mentioned - like taking credit for cooking, housework, opinions are not that important I think...fairly tolerable in a marriage I think...
In fact you can take all of this in a positive way - on how much influence you have over your husband' s thoughts..:)he is taking yr ideas and passing them off as his own, that means he must respect you more than you know...
About cooking, its good if he takes a little credit...then when in laws come visiting, it wouldnt seem shocking to them to see him helping you in the kitchen etc.
About some other stuff you have mentioned - like hitting you and abusing you, that' s waaaay more serious than anything else.
If his mother is egging him on to hit you, then tell her that you will not tolerate any violance any more...and that her precious son will go to jail if he raises his hand on you any more..warn yr husband also that you will call 911 if he abuses you again...
About leaving your husband - it all depends on how much you love him. If you think that apart from his vaccilating ways, he' s fine...then as I said before, give counselling a shot...
All the best..
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No need to go anywhere else.
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All tips on Relationships
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