Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi All,

I have been a silent member of this board for a long time. And today I though of posting a problem of my own.

I have been happily married for 4 yrs and have a 9 month old son. My inlaws are very good people. Unfortunately my fil expired 2 yrs back. So my mil is totally dependent on us. We share a good releationship. Yes we do have our share of arguments, but none that is out of control. But as they say, not everyone is perfect, there is one point in my mil which i cant stand. my mil is very very sensitive and is scared of everything. Like, when are going by car, she will always be saying, look out for that car/bus/auto, drive slowly, be carefull there is guy walking, there is a dog etc. till the time we reach our destination its one running commentry. Not only with the driving, she is scared of everything. When lighting the gas, if i make more than 1 attempt using the lighter, she gets scared. (The gas gas lights up in one atempt for her!!!). When we go to a lake/water base/river, she will be shouting at us, saying dont go near it, you will drown!!! She gets scared of the stray dog, She gets scared of using any new electirc equpment, mixer, washing machine, hair dryer!!! she gets scared if someone talks loudly/laughes loudly... She is scared that insects will fall on the food which we cook, so she tries to cook everything coverd, so much that, with one hand she will have a plate covering the food item, and with the other hand she will be adding the required ingredients!!!

Some times i get fed up by this behaviour. Because of her acting this way, even my husband has inherited some of these phobias.

Now my problem is I dont want my son to have these phobia. I would like to raise him in a rough and tough manner. But my mil always carries him around and never lets him down. If this is the case, then how will he learn things? Like crawling, standing up and all the improtant milestones??? I have told her many times not to do so, but she says the poor child will fall and get hurt. Well dont children fall and learn to get up??? Even my husband has started saying these things now. Common, if we dont give the child independece to learn on its own, how is he going to learn things??? When I go to my parents house, we let the child do what ever it wants, i mean, we put him on the floor, and he touches things, tries to mover forward, and reach out for things etc. Ofcourse, we do keep an eye on him so that he does not get hurt and all, but we allow his curiosity to develop....

I am really worried. please give me some suggestions on how to tackle this behaviour. I dont want my son to grow up and carry these phobias .... Saheli replied. I agree to Raj that mil needs to be looked at by a proffessional. Just wanted to let you know that these days some well known psychologists are providing online counsellation and you can pay them electronically. raj replied. Hi Mana,
Looks like your mil' s habits are partly out of some deep rooted fear and also prbably no one tried to get her out of it.Funny though,in my case my mil and hubby too used to say the same things but opposite to yours---why are you holding the babay?he has to fall down,dont carry him,you go about your work.So much that even whn the babay was really ill and crying for me I was not allowed to console him,I still feel guilty aboout those days,my son is 10 now!!
Anyway,coming to your issue,have you tried to find out if she had some drastic or terrifying experience in her childhood or some other time?That could have left a deep impact on her perspective?TI may be a good idea to take her to a psychiatrist or at lest you can go and consult if she is not willing to come,and try to find soluiton.It would be good if you have your hubby' s support in this but dont expect much since he may feel you are trying to pin up his mom as ' mental' and may not agree to it at ll.Instead i feel you could go on your own,if possible.
Raj.