Relationships  Discussion Forum

Thanks for reading this. I am 26 years old Indian woman married since last 3 years. My marriage is an arranged marriage.My problems started the day we got married. My husband, call him X, and his sis-in-law (his elder brother's wife) were very close and X admires her even now. On the day we got married, I noticed that he paid more attention to her than to me, he shared a chocolate that someone gave him with her when I was sitting next to him. I also noticed that he was looking at her sexually; he was staring at her with adoring eyes and looking at her breasts. It made me very sad but I did not talk to him about it thinking that this might be too early to judge anything just on the basis of this. After this, we went on our honeymoon and he told me on our wedding night that he likes his sister in law and wants to have sex with her. He told him that he routinely imagines having sex with her. I felt extremely sad and rejected and somehow gathered courage to ask him if this is what he feels even now, after getting married to me or is this a feeling he had some years ago. He answered that he feels that way even now. He told me this even before we had sex for the first time. I was extremely sad and depressed and wanted to walk out of this marriage but I could not go because I had no job and I did not think my parents would support my decision, I stayed back because I had nowhere to go. After some days, we came to US from India as my husband got a job here. However, I never feel loved and wanted and always feel that X initially resented me because of my background (I had no work exp at that time, and I am from a middle class family and a small city in India) In the meantime, X continued talking to his sister in law over the phone every weekend (they live in Australia) and it seemed that he enjoyed talking to her more than he enjoyed talking to me. It used to make me very insecure and I felt extremely lonely in the relationship. I have my life's worst moments with my husband. I started my MS so as to be able to be independent, also got a part time programmer job and now I am about to finish my masters.I always kept asking X how come I did not feel desired and loved and he used to reply by saying that he was trying very hard to love me. This hurt me a lot, too. But I had to suppress my sadness because I wanted to concentrate on my career.
Now I want to get separated but X says that he loves me and all he did in the early years of our relationship was because he was insensitive not because he did not like me. I feel that when you love someone, u cannot be insensitive towards him and he did not like me, did not love me and that’s why he was so insensitive. I expected from him that he would at least be hesitant when he talked to his sis in law because so much had happened between us because of his relationship with her, but X did not seem to care about my feelings. Recently, I requested him to stop talking to her and now they don’t talk anymore. X once told me that he wanted a wife like his sis in law. This has made me very insecure and I want to be with someone who wants a girl like me, I don’t want to fill in someone's place in his life. At present, he treats me fine but I cannot forgive him for what he did to me earlier. I think he married me and then realized that I am not exactly his soul mate and then forced himself to love me. I don’t want to be in such a forced relationship.
Please advice me as to what I should do.
Rekha replied. ok here is the thing..i don't think i could have sex with a person if he told me that he was in love with another and was just using me. U didn't want to separte..and why he got married in the 1st place..i don't understand.
Anyway...from the look of things u wanted him to start loving u...and u were ready to do everything to replace his sis in law..and i guess over the years u kinda have...so isn't that a good thing. u say he has stopped talking to her ...so that is kinda positve sign for u.
I think u did good to make u'rself independent. Now u have the power to decide what YOU want in u'r life.
He used u to get over his sis in law and u used him to get yourself independent..now u need to decide where u want to go from here. Do u want to forget the past and try to make a new future for both of u or move on and maybe find someone else.

I would suggest haveing a very open conversation with him..tell him point blank..u r NOT like his sis in law and will NEVER be...can he live with u the way YOU R...love YOU the way u r. Nobody likes to be compared to another person and be told to be like that person..and tell him that..that u r not even going to try to be like her. it's 3 yrs and he know how u r right now..what makes u happy what makes u sad and what is important to u.

What r u'r feeling for him. Trust me men r morons...specially the 1st year of marriage (actually even later)...but that is neither here or there. Other than the sis law situation is there other issues? What do u want to do. Follow Your heart. Do u love him..do u want to work it out..or u want this chapter closed.
YOU have to make the decision .
I know it's really horrible that he had such sexual feelings for his sis in law..but u living with him for 3 yrs says that u wanted to be part of his life too and that u accepted that part of him.
all the best in whatever u deiced...and yes as\";agree with you\"; says you only have one life....but not just one chance..u can find a chance of happiness with X or find a chance of happiness with someone esle. agree with you replied. We all have one life, one chance. Dont compromise on how you want to live it. From your words it looks like you dont love him. So it shouldnt be hard to try and find a life without him.

This world is too big and beautiful for you to try and look for a soulmate in your caste and religion. Gone are the days when we had to find our husband in our own circle, whom our parents pick. Too many of my friends are suffering bcoz of decision their parents too. After your parents are gone, who will come live your life for you. And if they really care for you, they should be happy however you are as long as you are happy.

Stand on your own feet, file for divorce and before that tell whoever you can about his pervert attitude and how you have never been able to forgive him as the foundation years of marital life werent good for you.

And who says when he comes around, we women should also forget everything and start?

You deserve a man who falls in love for you and adores you for what you are and you should also be able to love him for his qualities and not bear his perversions. Good luck. siri replied. hi u correct , till now u have stayed with him as u have no job, even thoough ur both a far to her, he did not stop the relation with his sis, actually sis-in law is like mother, so waste to live with such a person, u had leave him before only, no matter now, ask finally what he realy wants in his life. tell everything to ur parents and in-laws, and if its ends ur relation there, no matter leave him.. manju replied. why now you want separation?..you continued up to now..If you don't wanted him from the begining you shd have left him long behind.simply b'coz you hav become independent, still life is not easy to leave with out husband.You need to talk to him, and tell him how you feel, and wht you expect from him.