Relationships  Discussion Forum

I can see that many women have finally come around to accepting the fact that parents not letting go of their sons at the time of marriage in just the same way they let go of daughters when they get married is the root cause why all of us DILS are suffering today. And that the parents of the husband need to realize their folly.

How may of you suffering DILS of today have promised yourselves that you too will let go of your sons and decided not to use them as a crutch for your old age?

If honestly the thought of living the lives that your inlaws live seems ghastly to you is it not fair then that you too should not live that life when you are inlaws in the future? Remember the future is shaped by the present and the present by the past. This suffering today is your present. How you handle this present, how you learn from the past and present is going to shape the future which is going to be your present and above all your childs present pretty soon. Time flies.
So think about my question it will help you handle your present the right way. Ritika replied. Hi Suhani,

1) There wasnt any real discussion going on this message for the first couple of days and Vimpi and I were just discussing why that could have happened..anyways...lets bury that aspect now...

2) To answer the question she raised, I have a different take on it.

My feeling is that you should be open minded about your future.

Having pre conceived notions like - I will live with my DIL in the same house, I will live in a near by house as that of my DIL, I will live in the same city as that of my DIL, I will live in a retirement community, I will not have any relations with my DIL, I will have perfect relations with my DIL, I will treat my DIL like my daughter etc will just restrict our thinking in the years to come.

First of all it would be good not to differentiate between your son and daughter. It will also be good that you do not differentiate between a daughter in law and son in law.

I would not expect anything more or less from a daughter in law than I would from a son in law.

So in a nutshell, my feeling is that I will educate all my kids (if I have more than one), make them self sufficient..hope they choose good life partners for themselves...and hope that I can be friends with their life partners...Period.

Who am I to teach anybody how to make a home? My way might be different from some one else' s way. My views in life might be different from some body else' s views...For example, if my son and daughter in law want to travel the world and be missionaries, who am I to stop them (other than to say that please call me up every weekend to let me know how you guys are doing)? If my daughter falls in love with a autralian man and moves to australia, who am I stop her from doing that? Again, all I would expect is a regular phone call to keep in touch and visits every now and then (maybe once a yr or so)..

Why make a presumption that our children who grow up in 20-30 yrs will be immature and will need constant advice on how to lead their lives? I would prefer to think otherwise.

I hope that when my kids grow up and move out and get married, we can still meet up on special occassions and holidays.

Have get togethers that are full of fun and laughter...and make me enjoy life even at a ripe old age...and my kids and grand kids can say, ohg grand ma, it is so easy to talk to you..you are always open to new ideas...you are not judgemental..etc etc.

I hope that both my child and child-in-law(?) :) achieve something in life and make me & my hubby proud of themselves.

As for old age, we are already saving for our retirement so that we are not a burden on our children financially...

On a emotional level, I would expect that they be there for me as I would be there for them in times of need.

Other than that life has a way of panning out even the best laid plans. :)

Old age - my only hope and prayer is that I remain mobile and active till I die...:) and no, I dont ponder too much on whether I will be able to walk at 90 or not. Why waste time thinking abt such things when I have no control over it.

Maybe in 20-30 yrs, there will be such technological advances in medicine and healthcare that we will be able to live much healthier and active lives than our predecessors.

So that' s my take on this subject...

suhani replied. hi vimpi and ritika, really to say i was quite surprised the way topic has turned. we have forgotten the really issue i.e. what will we do as MIL to avoid all the hurt feelings which we are facing today due to our MIL. I think its really good to be clear how we will avoid all this. personally, what i have felt is that my MIL is giving me all the hurt which she got when she was newly wed.she suffered it at that time so now she wants me to do this the same way. will i do this too? i dread thinking my self as being as rude as her.

if i want to have my own space now, its my duty to give the same space to my DIL too. so i think its better to have your own space for yourself and let your DIL have her own too. really to say, both MIL and DIL need each other, DIL needs MIL for learning making home and MIL needs her for her old age . so there has to be compromise from both side if they want to live happily with each other. you can stay near by to each other lets say like having two floor in the same home so that no one feels bad that she has been left, and still be good to each other. if DIL is sensible enough she will understand the importance of MIL, otherwise all is vein whether you stay otgether or separately. so first let her shape her life after marriage and you can just assist her in learning all the necessary things without suffocating her. Ritika replied. in the hope that you realize why you might not have gotten very many responses to your initial topic...

and the reason I do so is because I really believe you' ve got the best of intentions and I usually agree with your sensible posts.

When you use a \" negative tone to pierce the ego\" and \" puncture it enough\" , do you really think your message is getting through to the people? Even the best of ideas lose their efficacy when not communicated properly...

And I think that, that is what has happened here.

talk about not being able to give a painless shot! :)

anyways, have a nice vacation...enjoy yr break...

vimpi replied. Ritika,

It is not for me to judge or generalize because I am not meant to judge or generalize.

We only try to help women set their thinking in the right direction. It is for them to judge themselves and make the decisions in their lives.
Sometimes the questions especially the ones that lead you to look at the root cause of the problem will always have a negative tone to them which is why people avoid looking at them and come up with all kind of stories and incidents and reasons which will lead their thinking away from the root causes.

The negative tone helps pierce the ego and puncture it enough so that the person looks at the cause finally.
This is what I try to do.
I am sure the women who ask themselves the questions I ask here will find it helpful in hitting the root causes.
But sometimes they might hate me for stating it because of the tone. It does' nt matter to me because it is not about me at all but there is no way you can give a painless shot.

I am going on a vacation abroad tomorrow
so I will not be checking this site for quite a while.

Take it easy! Ritika replied. Dear Vimpi,

I have always liked yr posts so far and the topics you want to discuss in this forum including the present one.

However I' m a trifle surprised at the anger in which you have burst out at the women who havent replied to your current post.

Just because we chose not to reply - is that reason enough for you to go over the top with statements like \" no other woman has the courage to answer this question\" , \" such women are not going to be any different from their own MIL' s\" etc.?

Wow! I didnt realize that choosing not to answer a post on a message board will qualify me to a life long trait (of being like my MIL)! :)

There could be other explanations - maybe the words in which you posted yr message was not interesting enough to bother replying? Maybe the fact that a woman might not have a son (so no need to \" introspect\" )?

Pls do not be judgemental.

This is no cause and effect topic that you have chosen.

i.e. Person who does not reply to my post => bad person (or equivalent).

Lastly the reason why I chose not to answer yr post was because I didnt like the interviewing and judgemental style (little arrogant for my taste) in which you had asked yr query. It reminded me of a behavioral interview that I had given last week...)

take care and have a nice weekend...hope to see better posts from you in the future... sr replied. Hi

I personally will want my son to live separately. I want a good relationship with my DIL... not like the one I have with my MIL that I look forward to her being away as she is there all the time breathing down my neck. I understand how a woman needs her own space etc so will make sure my DIL get that too. If we live separately, our relationship will be better.

I give the same advice to my brother, to get his own place when he gets married.. does not matter if its a 1 bed place, but it will be better in the long run.