Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi Dilbar,
Listen dear, life is what u want to make of it.

I'm not making contradictory statments.....just stating a few facts....take for eg u'r wife who seems to love being social...and u like to be at home...by being with her u go out and meet people..u experience something different....u might meet some people whose co u enjoy. And she by staying home gets to know the importance of somethimes just kicking it and relaxing. Everyone brings something new and diffrent to the mix. By being diffrent u get to experince the diffrent spices life has to offer.....at the same time..u need to have some common grounds...where u guys bond....something that u both can enjoy together as a couple.
To be a healthy couple u need to be toghter and at the same time have some areas where u can have space from each other from time to time when u want it. And pls...life is full of compromises....tell me one person who doesn't have to compromise at some point or another...u like a shirt but u can't afford it...u compromise and buy the second best.....u like u'r job but not u'r boss...u suck it up and deal with it..etc etc... U basically telling me that u keping score with u'r wife.Oh! She compromised 5 times and i compromised 6 ..so I am going to be miserable!!!!! What is this.. 1 grade!!!!
Yaar..u need to really look at u'r attitude too....u telling Shum that u want u'r wife to take the inititive to divorce...cause u can't..and why can't u????
Why can't u take the initative to solving u'r marriage and making it a happy place instaed of just pushing her and pushing her so that she is complaining and eventaully she wll divorce..CAUSE U don't want to take that step.
Why instaed of pushing her don't u take her in u'r arms and tell her...let's solve this and make it work...let's set boundries of likes and dislikes and find common grounds!!!!!!!!!!!
U have a kid now....i don't get that ..u the parents....u need to bring up your child..not u'r in laws or parents...normally people invite parents or in laws to help out just as the baby is born as in the US ( i'm assuming u live in the US) everything needs to be done ourselves..so it is a major help to have some support and helping hands. Normally the girls parents comes..cause she is more free with them and can ask then to do stuff..which she would have hesitated with u'r parents. BUT....they don't have to stay for ever!!! And if in laws or parenrts coming is causing sooooo much problems....DON'T call them...get some maid service..ask friends to help etc etc!!!!

I feel sorry for u...u just seem to want to sit and whine about how unhappy u r without taking any action to either improve u'r situation or end u'r misery. Everyone who posts out here...want to do something about their problems...whatever it might be. Wake up.....look at u'r life...I'm sure there r hundreds out there who r worse off than u...make u'r marriage better...and when someone out there liks Shum comes to ask how to solve her marriage...don't tell her to divorce..she wants ways to fix it!!! If she feels that u can help her better undersatnd her husband...help her understand his point of view..so that she can make her marriage work!
And all the best to u too cause u need to work on u'r relation ship too. Remeber if u make u'r wife happy..she will make u happy..it's that simple! dilbar replied. rekha,

everybody talks based on his/her experiences and let me tell you if you think you are right, others also think the same way. why should somebody follow a wrong path. Whatever you say might work for you, but cannot work for all.

ok so you are saying that you have commmon grounds to bond and some differences to provide a spice. it all looks bookishly good. if you do something against your woll and keep on compromising things every time you will accumulate resentments which will take the shape of being upset or angry etc.
you are talking that you make compromises everyday at every point? right? and what are you trying to compare, a shirt with your wife? your boss with your wife?? you are ridiculous.

see there are compromises in life but when you have to live with those compromises every time then it is not good for your health. why dont you talk to a woman like this. suppose her husband beats her every now and then? would you tell her the same thing. you should compromise because you compromise with the sari that you buy or the workplace that you work? you dont have idea what compromise is.

Now anyway lets assume we are there for compromises in life and we got married so lets compromise. fine. but tell me one thing, how long can you live with compromises. yes you can do that provided you see that the other person is also compromising to make our lives better. right? (the problem with you is that you shut your brains off when you argue with a man, feminist attitude. dont think only women are sufferres, your post only says that). you dont keep a count on number of compromises intentionally, but it is how your brain works. if you work like a ass for somebody and then you wont be appreciated for your work you will also feel it by heart, there your philosophy of compromise wont work. okay

ok you are saying that why cant i take initiative of divorce. because i fear what my wife will do then. i am not bold enough to face her. if she herself doesnt want to live with me then i am also not interested in living with her. otherwise i am living a life of compromises anyway.

you are so much female biased that you dont want to understand man's point of view. what are you talking of taking in your arms etc. this is all bullshit. when she gets angry over some trifle, she wont let you talk to her or touch her for days together, she becomes so adamant and arrogant that you would like not like to see her face. and dont tell me i have to be the one everytime bowing before her, pleading her and licking her feet. this is what i call compromise. i am ready to do that even provided i feel that she realizes that i am not happy doing that i am just compromising.. right...now dont assume that you will be happy as well as compromising..(only if you are not in a compromising position)..

ok let me not discuss kid issue this time, because shum doenst have any problem like that. I am not in US and in India things change. You cannot say \";Dont call your in laws\";.

about shum i would have to say that she might try to change her husband, but it doent happen. no one changes for others. The only solution that anybody can offer her is to compromise with her husband and live life according to him. what will happen is that she will continue to struggle with herself, she will have kids and then she will never be able to leave her husband and life will continue with pain all along. It is always better to be independent than to be dependent on someone whom you dont like.

i can discuss these things at length based on my experiences. but the problem is that the original poster will never come to the site again to tell what she is thinking. these guys just post and forget. so i dont like following up on them.
a woman replied. Dear Rekha,

You have written such a wonderful & inspiring post....hats off to you. You truly desreve a great applause for it. Your points are so valid & logical....and I fully agree with them.

Keep writing here. Many of us need pratical solutions like you mentioned.

Good luck. hi replied. excellent post... i wish my hubby gets to know this before its too late,,, coz even if i try my level best, i dont get any positive response from his side......

sometimes i just give up being close to him, and either spend my time with the computer or tv or reading.....and even he does not seem to be bothered much about the distance between us....isnt my life funny........