Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi,

I have a unique problem. I have been married for the last 3 years. It was an arranged marriage. We talked for two months before marriage, during which I did most of the talking while my future husband used to be mostly quite. However, after marriage I am finding that my husband hid many things about him that he should have communicated to me. Things like, although he is an engineer, he does not like reading any books. He does not know some simple common knowlegde information that even a 3 grader would know. this irritates me a great deal when talking to him, as he cannot relate to many things or does not get where I am comming from.

Secondly, he grew up in a very middle class family environment where money was tight. This makes him almost like a miser as he always worried about money and how to get by. Right now he earns ok. But he is constantly worrying about moneyand this makes him very moody.

Thirdly, he is very bad in communication. He does not like talking about any issues between us, or work things out. He feels if he ignores a problem, it will just go away. This is creating a lot of frustration in me.

He is otherwise a good human being. a good roomate. and to me that is all he is. a roomate. I have already left him emotionally, and now I want to leave him physically. But before I do that, I want to know if thats the right move. Or can I change him. Can I make hime read a book, or become more witty? Please advice,

Shum
Rekha replied. Let me start of by saying that the grass always looks greener on the other side. Today u have this list of problems....ok..so u divorce and move on...what than... u think the next guy will be perfect? There is NOTHING as a perfect guy. I mean seriuosuly..we r not perfect..so why do u expect the other person to be!!!
Tomorrow's guy will have his own list of problems.
As for changing people..i beleive u can and cannot change them..what i mean by that is..maybe u can never make him like reading a book....but if u r constantly talking..eventually his iq will get better!
Everyone has his likes and dislikes...nobody out there will be a carbon copy of u (and even if there was...how boring). Marriage is awlays a compromise..he compromises some and u do some.
If u want someone to discuss a book u read..make some gf with whom u can chat. My hubby is a bit similar to u'r . But u reach a state of compromise. I love going to disco's. Basically he was not exposed to it...but since he started with me..he enjoys it too...we don't go everyday..but we have fond memoreies of the times we went. Expose him to stuff u like...and let him have the choise to like or dislike it. Hey u might not be liking the stuff that he is passionate about. How would u feel if he forces u to like it.
Instead find stuff that u enjoy doing together!! For eg: we both love watching movies....so we go to the cinema a lot!

As for money minded...see it's the way he grew up..until he feels comfy and safe and over a period of time he will get better. People change all the time...life always influences change. Since u r soo communicative..why don't u tell him..every bday and anniversary i want to exchange gifts..if u feel,,he will buy something cheap..see an amt too.

Look for solutions not more problems. Life doesn't come with gaurentee..and u always have to work hard to make relationship's work.

All the best in whatever discision u make.
P.S: Having a child to make things better is the worst idea!!!! u want to give the child a stable enviorment..not one where he/she is supposed to come and fix things sufferer replied. Hi shum,
u r one of us who want to be fooled/impressed with fake smartness by studs. U ll never understand the beauty of being natural, ur husband by & large is a typical Indian Husband, who dont belive in fooling her wife into sth which is not there & U hate him for that. Give him a break friend. He is doing fine, its u who need help & i bet, u go to in counceller & he ll tell u the same. U have a picture of this Bad boy(most of the misguided ladies have)who is the champian in all the field, (BED, SOCIAL CIRCUIT, COMMUNICATION ETC)but have u noticed a person who is master at all above skills will not be attracted by all other misguided women (those who want a so called champion) & if he finds anyone or more of his admirers more sexy/smart/willing women, then what he ll do, he ll ditch u or screw them with out ur knowledge, & u ll be treated as a stand by. whenever he feel like screwing u only he ll come to u, now tell me this is what u want, with my own experience i can tell u that unfortuntely most of the women(including me) want this, though all the so called champions are fake/moreselfish then ur husband & love to exploit women like u, baring some of them. I was married to a man like ur husband,whom i disrespected all 3 Years of my marrige in want of smart husband. He was a Engineer from IIT-Mumbai, all bookish knowledge, no communication skills, very miser abt money & not so fun in bad, but still whenever he was touching me it was so real, he was there for me, still I divorced him for the simple reason to be with some one very smart and here i am even after 5 years of my divorce, 3 affairs i,m feeling guilty to ditch him, all my ex. were most successful people in their field, & great in bed, but thats it, they can u satisfy u but can never be immotionaly urs, coz even when they are screwing u & u offered all what u can, still they will be fantacizing abt the next in waiting. its so frustrating, a women dont need only smart ness, we need originality, sth with which we can relate to, sth who is totally/only ours. That lessson I learned hardway. My ex husband got married to a very decent small town girl & having 2 beautiful kid & here i,m totally shattered, confused, exploited thrice by so called smart partners.
I dont want u to commit the same mistake as i did, u r lucky to have some one so real who is not faking any thing. Dont trade him for any one so called all rounders. here u can not correct ur mistakes & have to suffer all ur life..

Hope u ll get some idea out of my experience..




dilbar replied. hi shum,

i really thank for your post. It seemed as if my wife was talking and complaining about me. I am exactly like your husband and you are exactly like your wife. I also come to this site to see what kind of problem people are facing, thanks for putting it here.

let me tell you if you divorce your husband for whatever reaosns, you will be doing the right thing. I am 100 % sure even your husband is not happy with your attitude. The difference that he doenst let out what is in his mind. I dont like a lot of things about my wife. I am also not happy with her attitude and life style. I dont like her being more social or outspoken. I dont like her spendthriftness. I dont like her making me understand even the simplest things (if i dont understand, let it be!). I am afraid of taking initiatives, I will never initiate a divorse, but would be happy if she files one. So same thing applies to you. You husband wont change, nobody changes. neither will you. file a divorce and make life peaceful for yourself and him also.
At least i would be the happiest person.
If you want to talk more about it, please discuss it here. I would be most happy to answer. Kiii replied. Yet another wife trying to change her husband. It doesn't work Shum.

>> Can I make him read a book, or become more witty? << you ask.

Not unless you have a magic wand.

I dont think your husband 'hid' anything from you. I only think you failed to understand him before marraige.

From what you say it seems your husband is a poor communicator. Nothing great about that. Most men are. Even the witty and smart kind of of men you might meet would actually be very poor communicators.

You say he doesn't like to talk about issues or work things out. Again I would say that is a very common problem. It is not unique to your husband.

As far as other issues are concerned such as his lack of love for reading, or his tight fistedness, I really dont think these are problems for which you divorce somebody. But that is just me.

I can just by reading your post see that there are some problems in your attitude. So i am sure you are not so perfect either.

I think you need to wake up from your fantasy land of perfect man and perfect woman in a perfect land. It doesn't exist.

Love and marraige need a lot of work. It is never going to be easy with even your dream man. Your husband may have his faults, but like you admitted he may have his plusses as well. Focus on his better points. RESPECT him (which I feel you dont).

Rest is upto you. Kiii replied. Yet another wife trying to change her husband. It doesn't work Shum.

>> Can I make him read a book, or become more witty? << you ask.

Not unless you have a magic wand.

I dont think your husband 'hid' anything from you. I only think you failed to understand him before marraige.

From what you say it seems your husband is a poor communicator. Nothing great about that. Most men are. Even the witty and smart kind of of men you might meet would actually be very poor communicators.

You say he doesn't like to talk about issues or work things out. Again I would say that is a very common problem. It is not unique to your husband.

As far as other issues are concerned such as his lack of love for reading, or his tight fistedness, I really dont think these are problems for which you divorce somebody. But that is just me.

I can just by reading your post see that there are some problems in your attitude. So i am sure you are not so perfect either.

I think you need to wake up from your fantasy land of perfect man and perfect woman in a perfect land. It doesn't exist.

Love and marraige need a lot of work. It is never going to be easy with even your dream man. Your husband may have his faults, but like you admitted he may have his plusses as well. Focus on his better points. RESPECT him (which I feel you dont).

Rest is upto you.