Relationships  Discussion Forum

I stepped into a joint family after marriage. I am a person brought up by my uncle who was too willing to get me married to the first most suitable offer (even if the offer was from a donkey!).After marriage I was not allowed to meet my uncle and family because my inlaws felt that a lady should have no relations with her relatives after marriage. They began harrassing me because I had nowhere to get help from. They kept saying that my husband's house is my place and my duty is to serve them and my husband whereas they encouraged my sil to rebell (even beat) her mil. Most of the time my sil will be in my house and I had to take care of her, her children,pil and my child (with lots of discouragement as a bonus from my pil). I called my uncle and cried to him of my plight but my uncle was more concerned to be in the good books of my pil rather than question them (as I was not his own daughter). Only God saved me one day. I managed to join my husband abroad and started earning and these things became things of a past dark era. Sometime back both my pils died. I was very shocked when my bil (who is also settled abroad) whenever he visits India goes straight and lands in his inlaws house and does not care about any teaching of his parents about a man's self respect. At his inlaws place he is treated like a king!. I feel upset for spending many years in my inlaws place devoid of respect, peace etc but somehow the docrines of my pil (that a man of self respect stays in his house and not with his inlaws got embedded into me). Now when I see my own bil and sil living in a place that suited their convinience I feel like a fool and get angry on them for moving away from the network. I take steps to unite my inlaw family especially my bils & sil. But they seem to have forgotten the concept of family network and have drifted into a comfort zone. Whenever we visit India, I insist in staying in my pil's house and not in any other place (as I feel this is self respect). My husband wants to sell this house so that we too can drift into comfort zone and have minimal contact with others. Now as I have grown up children watching over us, I have asked my husband to keep the pil's house and not sell it so that my bil,sil as well as we can use it whenever we visit India with respect (I have a gut feeling that one day my bils will start seeing thro' their inlaws ploy and may return back to his parental house). Besides this my children will see how strong I was in my beliefs of a Indian family and will try to like me/husband after their marriage. I feel I will become a ideal symbol of dil in other household and people will love to have someone like me as thier dil. I know I am downright straight in my outspoken feeling. Tell me, am I right or wrong in my view of keeping my pil's house for the welfare of my inlaws family when I have all the liberty in this world to sell it? ur friend replied. Have ever stopped to wonder that u are now imitating those pil whom u detested...Soon u will turn out to be a MIL ur Dils will dread...so where does it all end???No matter what u do u can never make ur dead PIl realise ur goodness and by trying to convince ur BILor Sil or even ur hubby it doesnt change ur past.I maybe several yrs younger by age and experience but currently I have in _law problems which keep escalating and receeding like high and low tide and now that I' m pregnant they are sweet to me but can it change what they have done in the past...no...not for me or my parents...although sometimes I feel sorry for them I don' t show becso somewhere along the line I realised no matter what I do I am still a DIL and will always be a DIL,but I' m determined that I will not do taht to my DIL and my BIL is getting married soon and I' m determined to make life easier for me....But thank GOD we are^nt living in the same house!!!!so don' t be foolish ....don' t follow ur PIL' s steps and become like them..... not important replied. Please do not mind me being little mean here.
You are a big fool!!!.. Even after all your mistakes you have not learnt a thing in life!.
You are by yourselves making life a hell.All those times when you were with your Inlaws serving them & their family you were complaining about that & was leading a sorrowfull life then..Now everything is clear & life is good to you ..still you are worried about stuff which are not important..
See, you said you did not have parents..so you know how bad it is when you dont have them....when you cried to your uncle did he help you out?..If it was your dad or mom they would have supported you & taken care of you like noone else..
So dont you feel so glad & happy for your kids who have parents & dont you think they are looking up to you & believe that whatever you do will be for their best?!..So please divert your mind & start living life for your kids & hubby..
The biggest priroity in your life is YOUR KIDS & THEIR WELL BEING..Please do not confuse your self thinking about BIL's ,Inlaw house etc.,..Please provide a comfortable future for your kids..If you are confised like this trying to become a symbol or Idol etc.,..then you cannot provide a good life for them..Other than you no one else will take care of them ok?!..
So Please Grow Up & take care of your family
GoodLuck jj replied. what is pil?? Tony S replied. Dear friend,
Follow what your heart tells u. I see u this way :
Basically u want to be in the good books of others in the family - that u want to be recognised because u have looked after your ILs v. well and want to be the star in the family - NOTHING WRONG IN THAT. What u have done is absolutely great - sacrificing your own desires - that is what happens in a joint family system. But friend, i think u shaould wake up to the contemporary form og living and that lies in having a nuclear family only. Tomorrow even when your kids grow up they will want to stay oin their own because of the freedom and independence it gives. However nuclear family does not mean that u have severed ties with the extended family. It is imp. for the family to meet at least once a year for diwali or imp. festivals and enjoy the little time spent together.
If your husband wants to sell the house i think he would be doing it for more practical reasons. And u should wholeheartedly support him in that. Do not bother about your BIL etc. God is always observing - he is the best judge. If u have done good to others it will come back to you with interest - u will be financially sound, your kids will ve good human beings, u will have a great life going - but 'agar man me jara bhi khot hai' then it is payback time.

So dont worry about ancestral house and all that - be practical and live a good life - do not bother about where bil sil etc. stay that is their wish and problem too. You just follow ytour heart because u r good, u know it, your hubby knows it , i am sure the others also know it but some of them r not able to digest the fact that iu r so good - so maybe they behave that way. so just go ahead and be happy.