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I am living in Singapore with my husband & kid. My Hubby is the only child of his parents & they r exxtremly attatched & possessive of him. When we were in India, we were living with them & life was really bad. My FIL is very dominating & tries to control everybody's life. He did not allow MIL to keep good relations with her parents side & tries to break my relations with my friends & relatives too. When we moved to Singapore things got worse as they too have practically moved here. I cannot work as i have to look after baby. So i am like an unpaid maid in the house. Whole day i have to listen to taunts & comments. FIL keeps poisoning MIL's mind against me & she too will then scold me unnecssarily. I think the main reason is that they think that i have dragged hubby away from them. This is not true. Coming here was hubby's decision for his career. In fact i sacrificed my career to come here.In fact i did all the running around for their passports & long term visas because of which they can stay here for as long as they wish. I think now that was a mistake. We r living like strangers in the same house. I sometimes think the only reason why they r here is to keep a control on their son.manytimes with out any real reason they just dont talk to me pretend i dont exist. Hubby too travels a lot so i get real lonely. I try my best to look after them. Take them out etc ... they get upset if we go out by ourselves so we dont do that. Hubby asks me to \";solve\"; my problem myself , dont get me involved. But should'nt he take care of my happiness? i feel like walking out of the marriage.. hanging on only for the kid. I have made many friends here but i try to avoid inviting any one home because of the atmosphere at home. When in laws were in india life was really great.. We never shared so much love & intimacy in our 5 yrs of marraige. But after they came back life is becoming hell day by day. please help.
I do care for them but their suspicious & interfering nature & difficult attitude is making us miserable. Madhuri replied. Dear friends
Thank you very much for taking time out to reply to my post.

I want to tell you about a new development that has occured in this never ending saas/sasur vs bahu sage. My MIL fell ill & had to undergo an emmergency operation. I was really worried sick when this happened. After all what evever misunderstandings my FIL has mangaged to create she is after all like my mom. SO i did all the running around & stayed with her for 3 days in the hospital. When she came home I ensured that she could take full bed rest. All this while hubby was on tour.

At the same time my Inlaws attitude also changed They must have realised for the first time that they need to be on good terms with me too. Now that MIL is better FIL is slowly going back to his old ways . But MIL is still nice to me. I try to ensure that they are comfortable but at times it is difficult like when they leave clothes to be washed on the floor, dirty dishes all over the house & orange peels on the sofa. I hate confrontations & arguments so i never tell them anything. But i draw the line when my FIL tries to eaves drop on my tel conversations with friends & then pass hurtful comments about them. I just plainly tell him please dont take unnecessary tension for me.

Hubby & i have also gone out 2 times with the baby but without them & that has also helped make life bearable. I used to feel that as they dont like us going out by ourselves we should avoid that but now i just tell hubby we shud go out & he comes with me. Though i know that FIL does not approve i just dont care after all i am going out with my hubby not a bf. I ensure that food is cooked & ready on the dining table so they r not inconvinienced. Also we go out togther as a family too so they shud not feel neglected..


well.. the moral of the story is that in order to be happy & avoid confrontations we should try & keep inlaws happy but at the same time take care of our own needs & wants.

What do u guys think??

waiting to hear from u!!! sony replied. Hi Madhuri,
I can understand ur problem because I have gone through the same situation. We live in California and my inlaws tortured me the same way during my delivery.I can say one thing just try to make them happy and behave as they want u to.Do this for a while then they will realise. Even though they dont change dont get frustrated have faith in god. Ur husband is also helpless because circumstances are like that.His parents should understand u guys and be considerate towards u but they are not so be patient and ur hubby needs u.Show him how much u care and let him see how they treat u on his own and one day he will realize and then he wont allow anyone to hurt u.Trust me have patience and very soon ur good days will start.
Take care
Sony fd replied. Hey madhuri

well nice to hear that u felt good .Even i had stayed in joint family and now i m abraod and i do understand that it gets really difficult and to keep happy ur inlaws..and i m from a very forward and educated background, so it becomes very difficult to manage ur MIL ,as thier psycology is very diffrent.

But my trumpcard was my husband who always stood with me. Even i had difficulty when my inlaws visited us . SO i can imagine how u go through.

well to tell u, why break ur heads on people who dont love and care for u. ITs said that:

Its useless to talk and justify urself to people who dont like,as they will never understand u, and there is no need to jusity urself to people who love u, as they understand u and like u as u are.

So stop getting bothered. and be the way u are....dont change ur self. Priti replied. Hi Madhuri,

Walking out of marriage because of in-laws? It seems like you have a nice peaceful family with your husband and son, so you should just focus on that and not let the noise of in-laws bother/distract you from your happiness. I understand it is bound to drive you crazy to have them around you 24/7, always this or that, but they are parents, so here's what i suggest.

1. Be firm and self-confident. If they accuse you directly of doing something, which is not true, say so right then and there. i.e. if they say, you moved our son here to keep him away from us -- say, \" no, it was not my decision, it was his and i supported him for his career growth. and to keep the family togther, I did the running around so that you can be here with us. i am living away from my parents not he.\" stop there and then let then think whatever they want. after you have stated the truth, it is out of your hands, so don't beat yourself over what they think and not.
2. you say that you try to do things to entertain them and they are not happy. so be it. you can not force anyone to be happy. you have done your duty and what you think would be best for them.
a. take comfort and satisfaction in the fact that you have fully performed your duty towrds them.
b.ask then if they'd enjoy/prefer doing something else if they didn't like what you did for them. that would also help you better understand their line of thinking/like-dislikes, etc.

3. if they are avoiding you and not talking to you -- don't take it presonally. again, be content and confident in the fact that you have done your part. so don't let that bring you down. take your mind off that and focus on other things. there are too many things in life to think and worry about. be happy.

4. if they are avoiding you, don't bend yourself backwards and forward trying to get them to talk to you. but at the same time, don't start avoiding them also. from your end, show no change in behavior. keep on making small usual talk, how are you, how are you feeling, kind of things. if they cut you short, don't mind it, you did your part by asking them.

5. the key thing is you have to keep a distance. you can't get emotional and expect things a certain way from in-laws. you have to make sure you are doing the right thing, so that no one can point fingers at you. and after doing that, you have to leave the rest to god. and be indifferent in what the responses are, no expectations. the more expectations you have, the more suffereing you'll go through emotionally. so just keep a distance and don't expect too much.

6. it would take a lifetime to figure out why they are behaving the way they are. when you have a son to raise and a family to run, you don't have time to figure out what people are the way they are. just know your role, peform it and pay attention to other enjoyable things in life.

7. in maintaing the distance -- you really would need not to think about these things. and to do that, you just have to shift your focus. having a child makes that easy. but at the same time you can be worn down by the day-to-day espcially since you are not working. so make a point to do thing that you enjoy, so that you stay up-beat, content and happy.

wish you all the best. fd replied. well in ur case, its good that the husband is not blaming u , he is out of the picture and seems that u have good relation with him.

Now as for the inlaws u cannot send them back to india. If they are ignoring u, than why are u bothered for their happiness so much. U too, engage urself after doing the household chores...go out with ur son...on pretext of walk, meet freinds, have a hobby ....sit in ur room and read book.....

Leave them alone....u too show them that if they r indiffrent then u too can behave like them only.

And as for the taunts...why bother....never back answer ...never, as they might complain ur hubby and make him go against u.

So just ignore...say achaa ji....and carryon with ur work.....

U will see in somedays they will improve their attitude.

And inlaws are the same...they never like that the DIL have good relation or talking on phone or communicating with her parents or freinds....but do what u like....take ur husband on ur side .

All the best