Relationships  Discussion Forum

Request: Kindly do not reply to this post. I am just posting some of my thoughts, may not apply to all. If this adds positive flavour to any family, i will feel happy.

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Sometimes I like to put myself in some scenarios and ask myself what i will do ..?

Present scenario .. i am 32 yrs, 2 kids, hubby and MIL. I work, earn well, hubby earns well. Life is cool. Kids are with MIL and maid when i am in office.

1) The maid is good, and little one likes her a lot. One day i return from office eager to kiss the baby, but the baby refuses to come to me from maid's arms!

I should feel good that i hv got mother-like maid, but i feel hurt ... this is my kid, and loving a third person more than me ..?

2) As i spend days enjoying with my hubby and kids ... i forget that this is not eternal .. i forget that kids are not \";mine\";, they have their own life too ..

One day my 4 yr old daughter comes to me and tells me about her new friend (boy) and how she likes him dearly. Her mind is pure ... but my mind starts thinking ahead .. tomorrow she will get married and go away from me ..!?!
I love her so much, but she will love someone else ...? What an irony.

3) I am so busy in office and kids, the maid takes care of housechores. On a weekend, my hubby walks to the maid and says \";please make aloo parathas today, i love them and its been ages i ate\";. A while later, my kids go to her and ask her to play with them.
She refused, they go to Dadi to play, she accepts and they are happy with her.

No one asked me ... it hurts me ...?!?

4) One day my daughter comes to me. She is excited as she has just heard about some didi's marriage. She happily asks \";mumma, will i also get married one day?\"; \";Yes dear\"; i answer. \";So i shall also dress beautifully like her?\"; ..\";Of course\"; - me.
\";And then i will also go to hubby's place in his car?\"; ...
And i feel - these loved ones .. i dont give a second thought when they ask for something .. i sacrifice my weekends, my favorite things for them ... and they wont need me tomorrow? Will they throw me out if life as a useless thing?

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1) One fine evening, i reach office and find MIL figting with hubby. Topic is, ofcourse, me. \";She did not ask me for food and ate herself ... as i was sleeping, why dint she wake me up\"; blah blah blah. I know now she wont talk to me for days/weeks/months (unless i say sorry).

2) One fine morning, i see MIL nagging hubby \";sara din uske saath chipka rehta hai, biwi ka gulaam ho gaya hai\";
When my hubby is home, he prefers to be with me than mother, because of our wavelenght match.

3) So many other incidents with MIL ... endless list ..

I hv a habit to write diary ..

One fine day .. i sit and analyse ..

1* I was hurt when baby refused to come to me from maid's arms. When my hubby spends more time with me than mother .. this lonely lady husband expired) ... must be feeling really sad.

2* I was sad when my daughter told me about her new friend (boy) ... when he is just a friend, she is just 4 yrs ...
how wd my MIL be feeling to see her son love someone so much? ... No, i dont agree that she shd have considred this earlier ... did i consider my daughter is just 4 yrs?

3* I was taken aback when everyone in house was asking maid and giving her importance to cook Parathas or play with kids ... she is a paid servant, i can throw her out ...
how my MIL must be feeling when her son taken me out, brings gifts, prefers to stay with me ...

4* If my MIL wants to share some intimate thoughts .. she doesnt have anyone to share .. what must she be doing?
If something happens in my office, i die to tell mu hubby .... whom must she be telling? Whom can she express that something has really hurt her today (wdespite of her being egoistic), she doesnt have a shoulder to cry ... she must be crying alone at night, right?

5* When she sees hubby and me sharing a laugh, she must be rememering her hubby. I cant imagine how she must be sufferring at this age of 65 to remember her beloved. Why have i never asked her if she missed Daddy? Why have I never offerred her a shoulder to cry?

I always call her inhuman ... may be it is just an after effect of her sufferrings ...
she cant take it out on her son (can we do it with our baby?) ... may be i am the softest person she can target ..

Why cant i think like this and forgive her? Am i not inhuman?

6* I got worried when my daugter talked about marriage and leaving me ..
this has actually happened with my MIL ..
that mere thought moved me entirely ... how insecure my MIL must be feeling. Now i know why she tries to enforce her ways, why she tries to be so hard with us, why she tries to maintain her processes, why she cares so much more for my hubby...

7* So what if she forces her way of cooking, her choice of menu, her way of upbringing on my kids ... she does take good care of my kids...
at least i can concentrate in work when i m in office ...

8* so what if she wants to run my house her way? Is it necessary to live my dream that i will run my house my way?
Isnt it that if she manages in her way - it is keeping her mind occupied, and i am free for my things? Let her waste, let her processes be wrong. Its not a big deal. Why cant i adjust?

9* she says i m snatching away her son from her. I always hear this and hate her.
But when i seriously think, hey, i am really doing that! I cant forget the enormous nights i hv spent sleepless for my baby. She is also a mother yaar!

i felt sad for her poor attempt to hold on to things and maintain her importance ...
i felt sad for letting her be so lonely...

if we gave her the feeling of security, may be she will be easier ...

O God .. how hard i have been with a mother ..
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And i try to be what i feel i should ideally be.
Sometimes she starts loving me for my behavoir, sometimes She feels i am showing off

And i realise, no matter how soft i be, MIL always things i dont have good feelings for her in my heart.

A \";gandhigiri\"; behavoir is only something that can help achieve what i dream of.
But i am not munnabhai :) i dont have the patience, i dont have that mindset, i cant sacrifice my ego.. i cant mange so manu things along with kids

or ... perhaps i am not that serious about having my MIL like me ...

All i can do is, keep trying achieve the golden middle. Aim that - My youth days should be happy, and so her second innings.

I miss my mother ... she dint have a son so never went thru the MIL trauma.. stayed alone and died one day.
I repent having missed thousands of moments to say thanks to her, and that how much i love her, that i remember everything she did for me, that no one can replace her, and that there is no one like her

Even if my mother behaved bad with someone, i will still love her, because she is my mother. Ditto about my hubby, right?

For whatever reason, i dont want my MIL to go with a thought that all the troubles she took for her family went waste .. and that a DIL spoiled her old life...
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Its been 20 days today we havent talked to each other. She is angry at me for some stupid reason.
Dont know what is stopping me to go to her. Perhaps my ego.

O God, help me. sweety replied. This article was beautiful, sometimes we are so caught up in our own emotions that it is hard to realize how we are also hurting others.
Unfortunately, ego plays a big part in everyones life and we always believe in we are right and everyone else is wrong.
Just recently, my mother lost her mother and she was devastated and my mami(mom's sil) talked with my mother and said that even if they had fights that she always loved her and the feelign were the same.
Fights are common, you fight with your own birth mother and we all remember the times when they were unreasonable. I guess as women thats how we should grow...accept. Life is tough and thats why god gave us women big hearts and a nurturing instinct cause not only our kids but our whole families need this love too.

Great work Saheli! Hi replied. Saheli, your article is really SO GOOD and true. We are all humans are such thoughts should help us become better natured. ya, these MILs and DILs are same and endless but still so different. Saheli, kEEP IT UP. !


AND TO THIS person \" notimportant\" ... I hope you are not out of your mind. Whats your problem? Saheli has done a great work and whats bothering you so much????? Your comments are sick. People like you can never be satisfied in life. You will continue to critizise any DIL who is genuinely good and sympathise with MILs who are really bad..or the otherway. I pity you. saheli replied. when i had asked people not to reply, it was mainly because i felt ppl wd not accept my thoughts .. as there are many DILs who are really sufferring bec of MILs... and some others who are having inlaws like us but still refuse to think positively.

m glad to see DILs who think like me.

yes u ppl r right, i hv good MIL (i mean she is good as a person), good hubby, good maid. M lucky.

If i count positive things about MIL towards me, many of the DILs here wd be surprised! The problem is she is extremely moody, and when things go wrong, the entire house loses its peace and contentment for weeks-months ... even she makes my hubby and kids suffer.

anyways.

Well, when i red sangini's reply, i asked myself why dont i go to her and say sorry

and i hv done this lots of times before.. right from start ... when MIL got angry first time, my hubby had suggested 'go to her and say sorry even if u r not wrong, its ok, she is elder'

and i hv been doing this for all these times since then

whats stopping me now/these days? i asked myself and i got the answers (perhaps)
-m tired of doing it. I m not her husband to \" manao\" her always. It wd b better if she expresses what she dint like, and i ll say sorry, and life moves ahead
- My ego: whever anybody does something wrong, she stops talking to me. This time it was the maid, but i sufferred. Probably m taking a revenge internally, by letting her b like that. not sure though.
- i m loving the freedom - now that she is not talking to me, i m free from all the masks and formalities i need to do. Right from maska-baji at morning tea .. till good night maska ... i am free! feels so good to b free (i m being cunning i know)...
but being free from that burden of \" thinking 10 times frm 100 angels before saying anything to MIL\" is awesome!
- escape from weekly repetitions : MIL keeps on doing that almost once in 10-15 days. Had i said sorry earlier, by this time i wd have had the next brunt, for some other stupid reason! This way there is silence in house, life is proceeding peacefully for hubby at least (he is also always under tension what his mom will complain abt when he returns from office)

i never realised above things. Sangini and Rohini's posts encourage me ask myself.

All these are very small problems which we can sort out easily. There are DILs whose MILs are ... my god .. impossible.

dont know what to do. SANGINI replied. I think ur post is heartwelhimng and as Rohini said thought provoking their are very few people in this world who think so deeply well u write so its ay be an effect of you analytical point of view, But Sahel i think u are a lucky women belong to Happy family(Touch wood) where normal people live with a blend of love and normal jealousy, your MIL is a normal women with her insecurities and worries and as u said she doesnot have anyone to share with, normal children , nice loving hubby who doesnot want to disturb u on weekends he thinks what a maid can do let her, and a nice maid...
Only thing is you should not cut ties with your MIL sorry cannot be tough to say Ego should be there only if does something really nasty be nice to her GOD has been really kind on you , I live abroad I am married in more conservative family then My parents was so when i go on vacation my MIL finds our eating out habit, late nights habit indigestable i feel bad but never say it my hubby is there to face her anger or mood, once she is normal i don't even show her that i felt that she was furious and keep joking with her...
I know you will think Vaction and living for good is different but i think your hubby is so loving that you owe this repect for his mother and moreover you realise everything so from next what ever happens never cut ties with her after she looks after ur chidren too, try to befriend her include her in your outings once in while not very regularly and at the same time keep asafe distance...
Rest i think your hubby is a wise man and same is u so ALL THE BEST Rohini replied. Dear Saheli,
Although u have written not to reply to ur post....I cannot help it...
Your post is thought-provoking no doubt....bcoz its all true....ekdum Dil se.....WOW!!!....
The points written after \" analysing\" are mind blowing ....and very mature...
Don't know what more to write....
Ur MIL is lucky to have u as her DIL....
all the best to u....
with lotsa best wishes
-Rohini