Relationships  Discussion Forum

Dear friends,
I have a unique problem. I had been married for 6 years and have two kids. The first two years of my marriage were horrible for me. My hubby and his fmily treated me like a slave. I wanted to win the love of my hubby badly. I would do any thing for him. But he would never give it back to me.
I got pregnant soon after I got married and was ill treated all along. I was not allowed to go to my parents and my parents were not allowed to visit me. My husband called his friends over for dinner almost every night and I had to cater to them. He said I was too boring. He called me stupid in front of his friends and parents. I was always worried about what he was going to do next to make me cry. When I was in labor, he drove me to the hospital and slept in the same room. I never had one happy moment to cherish during my entire pregnancy.
I started working when my little boy was ready for his preschool. Things turned around since then. I gained a lot of respect in the family. My husband started to take good care of me and my kids since then. I also had my second child while i was still working and my hubby was very supportive during the entire time.
Thgough every thing is so smooth, I am not able to be happy. My past haunts me. I am not able to forget every thing that happened - every hurtful word that my husband said to me. I remember all the unpleasant things and get depressed. I love my hubby a lot. I don't want to withold my love towards him now because of what he had done in the past. Can any one tell me what I can do to forget my past and live in the present? Thanks in advance for your replies. I'm a guy too replied. It is not your fault! It is your parents that spoiled you. I think every Indian parent should learn from this not to bring up their children with the dirty ideas such as Shiv has. Marriage is not about \";running the show\"; . Marriage is about two people loving each other. By the way, I am a man too. My wife stays home to take care of my son. I admire her for the great job she is doing. No body's life comes with a 100 year guarantee. Thinking that we will die the very next day does not give us the licence to verbally abuse our life partner. That was one classic lame excuse Man! But it is not your fault. You were raised with such dirty ideas like a man deserves respect and a wife does not. I love my wife just the way she is. I do not expect her to forget her folks for me and yes, I will support her and will not let my parents evaluate her. Sleeping while a wife is in labor -- I've never heard of that before. I didn't know anyone could ever actually do that! You've come up with an explanation for that dirty selfish act? I really don't know what to say.
I want to let ladies out there know that all men are not like Shiv. Please keep the hopes alive. rashmi replied. divorce him and get over with it. shiv replied. Dear Padma or whatever your real name is,
Calling friends every night for dinner -I think is a lie.

You mentioned of being boring - Were you or were you not? Are you still boring? Did you ever ask yourself whether people who keep company with you are happy. What extra thing have you done to keep you and your family happy?
How many days did you stay with your in-laws that you tell that they treated you like a slave?

Did you ever think in the following terms :
(1) May be your husband wanted you to be independent?
(2) Wanted you to run the show but you were more self-centred only caring for your needs and your mothers and fathers needs?
(3) I hope you are married into a good family.
(4) May be after you started working you are able to take better decisions and act independently which your husband is seeing and is happy that he does not have to worry if he is going to be dead the very next day. Earlier it might have been that he was worrying that you cannot survive in this world with such dumb viewpoints like world is straight and all people are very very straight like my father or mother are. Believe me they are also not that straight.
(6) Sorry to hear that he slept during the first pregnancy. Was he also not tired?

It is very difficult to forget your past. If you think like every other girl out there that life is going to be as beautiful as depicted in pictures then you are a fool. Check with everyones life - God has installed a portion of unhappiness in each being.

I still believe that you are more self-centered and that is the reason you feel that way.
Padma replied. Thanks to you all for your valuable thoughts. Anon replied. this why indian women have such low self esteem and live on and on suffering because the advise you always get is move on, forget about it, he is ok now with you so forgive and forget.

In my advise I did not ask her to divorce her husband or show anger but she needs to confront him regarding his behaviour in the past and tell him off whatever is on her mind. Then only she can move on and feel better about herself. Also warn him that if ever he behaves with her in such a way in the future she will not accept it.

That is a true woman, one who doesn't get pushed around by people and shows that she is strong and no one will dare hurt you. forgive replied. Your past can haunt you. Try to forgive and forget. Try meditational yoga it always helps.
Has your husband shown remorse for his behaviour? Has he verbally asked for forgiveness? That might make a big difference. Have you told him what you have written here? You can diplomatically tell him that you feel hurt and cannot move past that. Ami replied. How can you love your husband after he has called you stupid infront of his family and friends? He had no respect for you. The minute you started working and bringing money in the house he started to treat you better. During your first pregnancy which is supposed to be the happiest time in your life he treated you like dirt and didn't care for you. The most vulnerable point in a woman's life.

To be very honest I wouldn't be able to forget nor forgive such a man. Tomorrow if you are jobless, he will start treating you like dirt again.

friend replied. Just to tell you I was very touched to read ur story...i am am really sorry but I donno what to say now.....I just wish you good luck with ur husband and kids,