Relationships  Discussion Forum

i have been married for the past 7 months, but i dont live with my husband, since he is living with his parents in another country, while i am staying with my parents and working here in a very good job. we all live in europe, my inlaws and my husband in the european union, my parents and i live in a country which does not belong to the eu. we live 1'000 km apart.

this is a love marriage, both of us being indian, and we got married in civil first, so that my husband can get working permit for the country i live in and we could be together. but after our wedding, my husband has not made any move looking for a job here, and he also does not want me to leave my job, because it is well paid. he and his family are running a family business with no real income till yet, since they are still in startup phase. this phase has been going on now for the last 2 year, for all the time i've known my husband.

now we have also gotten married traditionally in india last december.

my problem is, that i would like to live with my husband. but he does not want to leave the family business since he feels obliged to his parents and he also does not want be to leave my job. he has been telling me, that as soon as the business picks up, and they start making money, i can relocate. also that is earlier plans to move to my country are no longer valid, because he does not want to leave his parents alone. (he never said that before marriage, he always wanted to live here with me, now his outlook has changed.)

please do not missunderstand me, i do not want to divid my husband from his parents, but i do want to live with him to.

since everyone in our community has starting asking, when my husband and i will start our life together, and when i will move from my parents place, i decided with my parents to shift to an own apartment, where i can feel like i am settling into my new life. when i spoke about this to my husband, he thought that this is a very good idea, so i started to look for apartments here. my husband then flew down here to look at the apartments with me, we found one, which i fell in love with from the first moment. i wanted to sign the lease, but then my husband said, that moving to a new apartment means that he will have to be here more (like 10 days on a stretch) and than he can not commit to this and to me, because he cannot leave the business (especially the paper work) and his parents alone (if he wanted he could also work from here, through the net...) and that i should not sign the lease.

we had a huge fight, because i cannot understand why even after marriage he says things like \";i cannot commit to you\";. i feel very sad and depressed. my parents are trying to help me, but they are also very confused.

i dont understand, why i am not allowed to quit my job, if this would be the only way for us to be together.

see, my husband is a very loving person. loving to me and also very loving to his family. he is not a monster or so. i do think he is torn between his obligation to his business and to his family and to me. but why did he marry me in the first place, if you does not want to build a life with me? i am not very rich, so it can not be because of money.

i now, that i should be patient and wait and see the business take off, but i am loosing my patience because in the last 2 years nothing has changed in their business. they have made loses after loses in the existing businesses they had and they have also asked me to financially help them paying back some debt. (i am not very rich and my ILs do now that).

i do not want to divorce, so please friends refrain if this is your suggestion. i need someone to talk to, i need your help. LA replied. I read probably 75% of your post. Personally, there is no solution anyone can give u. Your husband didn't mention things befor emarriage that are now coming up. He wants the business to boom before relocating, etc etc.

Things change through the course of a marriage just as they change in the course of a single person life. Opinions change, we change our minds etc.

Just talk about these things and come to a compromise, that is what marriage is all about. Something will work out. Be patient, relax and realize there are worse things that could be happening.
~~