Relationships  Discussion Forum

HI,
I am vishakha.i am going through seperation breaking my 5 years of relationshps of luv marriage.i moved out when my daughter was just 2 years.Though i am quite positive about everything whatever has life will keep for me in future.I have tried best to save my marriage for my child sake but it didn't work.I HAVE 2 AND HALF YEAR OLD DAUGHTER.SHE IS VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH HER FATHER.despite of telling him to come and meet her he has not shown his face to her since last 6 months.she missed him alot and ask about him all the time.I want to see her happy.And my ex-husband doen't care at all about her.I cant see her this way.pease help me if you can Iam terrible in need of guidance how should i make her come out of this trauma.
and what if she will see him during my court trials this gives me nightmare.
SARADHARAGHAVENDRA replied. If poosible find her dad's mobile no ask your daughter to call him,after that you speak to him both of you please try to live together because i have suffered alot because of my parents separation still my parents living separetely i can feel thwe pain of your kid please adjust with your husband for your kid sake sanya replied. Hey Vishakha,

I am glad that my message gave u some moral support. My daughter had to appear for school admission last year in October - December period. At that time my divorce proceedings were still on & I was very stressed out & did not know how to handle the situation so that my child gets admission in a good school. I had 2 choices - to speak to my husband & tell him to come for the interviews as if nothing is wrong & get the child admitted & after a few months tell the school that I am now divorced. I know of some parents who do not let the school know of the divorce & continue to go for parent - teacher meetings together even after the divorce just for the childs sake.

The other choice I had was to clearly tell the school authorities that I am a single mother, but also make it very clear that I am a professionally & personally strong person to support the child & have a great family support system given by my parents.

I chose the second option. In all applications, I normally wrote my name only & grandfathers name in place of the father. In some cases I did write the fathers name if they insisted. But for all interviews I took my dad along with me to show them that I had a good family support system & my child will be taken care of well.
It worked for me & I did not face much problem.There are some questions they ask but it required just common sense to answer those & I can help you with that when the time comes. But these daya schools do not see this in a bad light. I do not think this is cause for worry. My daughter got admission in a school considered 2nd best in our locality.
Your case is a bit complicated than mine. I managed to convince my ex-husband to agree for a mutual divorce because a fight would be long & bitter & may leave us emotionally & financially drained out. He agreed, but I have not asked for any alimony or child support. I did not take anything from him except the divorce. In fact, I did not even take the few lakhs he had taken as loan from my dad back from him becausee I just wanted the chapter to be closed & I knew he would not be able to pay me anyway as he was not well off. Thankfully I am professionally well off & could take an independent stance.
But you should surely not let your hubby go without giving you child-support or alimony if he is earning well. You should try & explain to them how difficult, bitter & long a battle could be. You should try to convince him that you will give him a divorce if he agrees for an out of court settlement with agreed upon alimony. Both of you can start your life again rather than prolong this unnecessary agony.
I am not sure if I can help muych in the legal case thing, you already mustbe having an advocate taking care of things. But if there are any specific queries, I will be glad to answer as much as I can.

Take care. sanya replied. Hi Vishakha,

I have read both your messages. Its very clear that your husband does not want you or the child & that he is not going to fight for custody in case of a divorce also. I believe its not worth it to waste your life over such a person. Get the divorce, keep you child & ensure you get child support from him through the courts. Best is if you agree for a mutual divorce with him agreeing on the alimony & child-support money. As far as your kid is concerned, its going to be a bit tough in the beginning but children today & smart & sensible, she will cope up soon. Dont make it a big issue with her if her father is not there. I have a 4 year old daughter who has not seen her father in the last 2 years. I got a divorce this february. She has faint memories of him but knows very clearly that he does not live with us & mummy does not live with people who dont treat her well. I also have made it a very casual thing & not something really bad that her dad is not around. She knows that all families are different & have different members - like some dont have nani some dont have dada-dadi, similarly ours doesnt have a dad. Thankfully I have my parents living with me. I have also introduced her to other families where the father has passed away or the mother is divorced so she can see there are several families like us & there is nothing wrong in this & she does not need to feel \";different\";. Even after all this I am not saying it will be perfectly all right, she will have her insecurities & moments where she feels \";different\"; than other kids, but she will cope up. You just need to make your kids strong to face the world in any situation. That can happen if you show them how strong you are in any situation, & never let any sorrow or weakness come on your face when you are with them. Kids catch on to their mother's stress very fast.

Like you I tried for close to 3 years to make my love marriage work before filing for divorce myself when I figured out that I cant waste my life like this & its better for the child to have an incomplete but happy family than a complete but miserable family.

I do not regret my decision. I am very happy now that I have the divorce & I am able to pass on my happiness to the kid as well.

You should take charge of your life.
Take care
ramanita replied.
If u want to make ur child happy u have to try to adjust with ur husband.

If ul r not happy how can u make her happy.

First u think about that and u keep up ur family and let ur husband know how much u love him and care about him and how much u and ur daughter misses him.