Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi i am Anita from Toronto ,

I live with my husband here since last year but we have been married 3 years back. It was an arrange marriage, but with my 100 % consent and there were many ups and downs before and after our marriage between us. But still it was up to me to continue marring him or to leave him. I took it as a Challenging thing and married him.

Now i am expectin, i am in my 7th month.
I know my husband since last 4 years from the time we got engaged. And he seemed to me as a shy guy.Who hardly talked to sum1. But slowly when we came near after marriage, i found he was very social being but only with his family side relative and FRIENDS ofcourse. Hardly he interacted with my family.

And the reason behind this might be the dowry he had asked for, and it was a Car at a very last moment when jus 1 month was left and all th preparations were done. He feels like my parents are illiterate and poor people, but the thing as i was not ready to give consent to this thing of giving dowry b'coz we had done many preparations like purchased GOLD and Clothes for most of them members of his side, and my parents still gave half amount as per decided between both parties of car knwing tht i was not ready to do so.

And then slowly and gradually my MIL started creating problms with me.And started filling the ears of my hubby and FIL. And this way she ruined my image completely in my in-laws house.
Now the story took a twist my hubbys love also started reducng for me, we had many fights. He started flirting with gurls abroad for his mean intention tht they would call him and wuld be a gud opportunity for him to explore as he was nt satisfied with his job in india.
He was caughted red handed.I had proof. It was shoed to most of the members of the house, i think my MIL also knew it but sumhow i was stopped for letting tht to be conveyed to my FIL who wuld have done JUSTICE to me. We were at the point of seperation.
But the story ended there sumhow.
No matter my MIL did so many things to seperate us...but..unfortunately....it was ignored.

Then after a year and a half we came here in toronto. Here again he stared talking to her, on net and over the phn as well. And the thing hurted me ...he use to ask me to go out of the room when he use to chat to her. He had a talk with her in my absence , i was told by him and his cousin who heard him talking over the phn wid her.

Again somhow it was controlled but not tht easily.

In every fight he included my parents and tortured me by saying ...WHT I HAVE GIVEN TO HIM...My parents are poor, illiterate and all kind of foul words, which after hearing a sensible gurl would leave her husband forever.

...and would any1 believe , when we were leaving india, his parents had hided certain things happened between his father and my father they told eveythin to him and then sended him here with me...and in every fight it arises like a torture for me.....!

Now, its been a year in toronto. He chats with his parents and also over the phn he talks...but they havent stopped filling his ears against me.
Somewhere they find an excuse for saying somthing or other very hurting for me.

Anyways, i even dont mind tht...its their mouth , we cant stp them saying sumthing for sum1.

But the issue is : i am 7months pregnant and needs care and attention from my husband.
He is more in to with his friends which are 99.9% gurls he hardly have a boy as a friend here in toronto . He cares for them helps them whenever they want so. Like picks his friend which is also a HR manager of his office, drops her everyday at home, Goes shoppin with her while returning from wurk.
And i being all alone here go to doc alone. Where i want to all alone. Even there i can understand he helps okai.But when he is home he keeps himself busy, by watching TV or talking to sumone over the net or over the Phn.
That really kills me and gives me all sort of negative thoughts b'coz we have undergone a situation 1 time .

Everytime i talk to him rgdg this, he starts fighting with me. Raising all the old issues about my DAD and threatens tht he will throw me out of the house with my baby.And my parents who had 3 daughters including me can raise 1 more, if he does so...

Now is there any solution for my problem...

Shuld i leave him ....?

I had tried many times....but wasnt ablt to gather the courage, and my parents were ready to call me back but due to in-laws...they said..u shuldnt encourage ur daughter in talking such decisions..which stopped my parents....

But anytime my parents wuld support me...knwing tht i am nt at all happy with my husband.
He does nt care , he is nt ready to spend on me and my baby. He never encourages to go and buy Maternity Clothes or stuff for Baby, all he is doing asking his mom to get the stuff for baby from India.Would nt i feel like go and shop for my first Baby..???

What do i do with this kind of Human behaviour ?

I am tired of sharing this issues with my parents..dont like giving tension to them...

Need Suggestions ...

Thanks for reading my story.
LA replied. PLs leave him. You said that he has threatened to throw you and your baby out - I thought it was his child also. He doesn't seem to have any regard for you, the marriage, your family, your health. It doesn't matter what happened between his parents and yours. It doesn't matter what his parents say to him about you, he should respect you.

You are pregnant. You need his support the most and he is not giving it to you. Yes you should be wanting and he should be willing to go shopping with you for your baby. These are special moments that you 2 should be spending together.

You should go to your parents. If things are so bad between the 2 of you then you should take time apart. Your in-laws shouldn't have a right to tell your parents what to talk to you about. Your parents love you and are trying to protect you.

tara replied. hi anita,
1st of all dont worry b strong and pls dont think of seperating from ur husband.every women has some or the other problem dear.

Just follow this steps;

1.shower more love,care 2 ur hubby than u used 2 show.
2.even if he scolds or hurts u simply smile and say in a sweet or naughty way like my hubby looks so sweet wen he is angry\"; something that sort of means u ahave 2 make him understood that it is not going 2 affect u anyway.
just make him blieve that watever he do ur love wont decrease.

3.Praise him even if ther is nothing 2 b praised.

4.give him some gifts on his bday or any day.
5.put tie and dress him up.
6.u go 2 beauty prlour and change ur look .i mean u can ask the beautician 4 a hair style best 4 u.then pamper urself threding,facial etc.
7.buy sexy clothes ,the 1 u will wear at home shuld reveal ur body and try 2 seduce him also.at night give him a massage and give a gret sex.

8.show urself very confident and strong wen he is around especially.

9.when he accusses ur parents pretend not 2 hear that and sometimes simply pretend 2 agree with him.(i know it may sound rididculous ).pls dont fight with him against his parents.praise them.


i mean u shuld do all this 2 show that watevr he does nothing is gonna hurt u.u r self confident and smart.change urself now.just make him feel that watever he does can neaver lessen ur love 4 him.that is try 2 win his love and confidence.i kno 2 hear against our parents will b hurting but now 1dtofall u hav 2 win him so u shuld even support him saying \";u r true\";

last but not the least try 2 figure out who that lady is whom he chats with.check all his calls and wen he says go out u bring some xcuses and sit ther say\";i wont disturb u honey\";.

show u r independent and strong.

find that bitch and deal with her dirctly and at all cost remove her from ur life.

u also show xtra interest with ur or his frinds husband or any otyher males.at that time try 2 ignore him.

all the best.b happy and strong .get engaged somewhere to ignore all those thots and take gud care of urself.beocoz if u r happy healthy and strong ,it'll b gud 4 the baby.





10. Anita G replied.
Hi ,

Thank u so much for your reply. I really understand what you are trying to explain me, this advice has come to me several times by my MOM , i know a very mature person can only advice such a thing. But u wont believe, during last 3 years i had changed myself from the scratch for my husband . I did evrythin to please him.

Looks Wise - Its not like i am not pretty or good looking, i am . But in my looks there is an indian essence ....i hope u understand...after all i belong to india.....even if i wear Jeans or any western outfit i am going to stay indian..my personality is a natural God given gift..no1 can change it..and no1 can torture any1 for this God given gift...

There are 1 or the other defect in all human beings, nobody is made perfect. So i am - i luk gud but lack some more height ..which if i would have had i would be one of the beauties...but again coming to my husband , he is also a normal person with normal height...infact he lacks in physic, which a gurl would definately like in his husband. But my nature and my education says not to critise anyone, its all made by God ....if u r critising the creation of God , U r Critisizing God indirectly.

And yeah there few good things about my husband ...due to which i stay back with him.

1st of all , his RAPPO...no 1 would understand me and Believe me...other than my parents...and people who know me...
2ndly .. He is a nice person...but being a Nice Person and Nice Husband Makes Difference, isnt ?
3rdly.... Yeah It would be harder for me to survive witha baby and without a husband...society issues will definately bother me...
Anyways...as NIYATHI did replied me tht ...i shuld also start wurkin after my baby is 6 mon's or so...i will certainly. And infact i did worked for a year here in canada and back in india as well. But if a person has sumthing goin on his mind...he can find any reason very easily to torture his wife and luk for other pleasures from strangers.

But anyways i will try my best to adjust with him. Jus need Ur wishes and wise advices anywhere where i need to improve more.

Thks n rgds,
Anita.
Just advice! replied. Dear Anita,
From your story it is quite obvious that you are in a delima as to what to do - live with him or go for separation....
The first thing you need to do take a decision because anxiety leads to a lot of tension and drains out your energy and at the end you end up doing nothing......
So take a decision one way or the other but let me hasten to add thet living life alone that too with a kid is not going to be easy either. I mean there must be some good things about your husband that made you stick with him at the earlier instance....
From your letter it seems that you have a lot of resentment against your husband and maybe it is justified too, but if you decide to live with him you have to get over that resentment and make a huge effort so that he begins to like you and eventually love you and the baby. Take it up as a challenge again - tell yourself that he talks to his parents for 10-15 minutes and you live with him, certainly you can do some things to make him like you beyond what his parents teach him.... The only way you can improve the situation is by changing your own attitude, because if we were to talk to him he would also put all the blame upon you.... We all consider ourselves to be right, so if you want to improve things let us move beyond the past and blaming each other, just look at the future and what you can do to improve it....
I know all this sounds difficult but what you get after doing all the effort is a happy life for yourself and your kid. It will all be worth it, won't it?
All the best. niyathi replied. hi,
read ur story, hey first of all i guess u must be educated. be strong dear.dont expect too much from others, that always leads to disappointment.
and tell ur hubby directly not to go out with his friends (girl), tell him directly and firmly, why are u scared, when he insults ur parents as uneducated why do u shut ur mouth and listen, didn't he know that before he married u, and if he did not like it then why the hell did he agree to marry u, ask him directly, and its good that ur parents understand u, in many cases even girl's parents are scared to support girls in this matter when it comes to separation, ask him is he not capable of buying a car when he is earing in canada, is he not capable of getting a car, and if he is not that rich to buy a car then he cannot have a dream of having a car, u have to be strong, dont just listen to his complaints , even u point out his drawbacks as well as his families when he insults ur parents, and if it does not work, then i guess there is no use of staying with this kind of person for the rest of ur life, how can he threaten u everytime that he will throw u out of the house, u r not a thing like whenever he feels like he can keep it and when he feels he does not need he can throw u out.

be strong dear, and if u r educated i would suggest u to go for a job once ur kid is 6 months old, be financially independent, i told u this thinking u r a housewife right now,

bye take care