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Waiting to try:shld i go for a 2nd baby?
2002-06-17
Name: nicemom



hi,
i have a 2 1/2 yr old daughter. as at presesnt ,i feel i have my hands full!! she is very demanding and needs my attention at all times. after turning 2yrs, she has suddenly become very obstinent. may be its the terrible two's!!! thats what most parents tell me and that it will get better as she turns 3+. i hope so. unlike other kids in her day-care, she doesn't want to finish her meal on her own. she wants me to feed her. here in the USA, kids start eating themselves by 20mths!!
making her clean up her room or toys, getting her dressed,getting her to do anything is a big chore for me. by the end of the day i'm stressed out.
i don't mean to be complaining at all, i undersatnd that a mother has to go thro' all this but thinking of having another baby gives me butterflies!! when i wne tfor my annual gynaec check-up, the doc said its the perfect time to think of the 2nd one.
my hubby and i are very confused. will we be able to handle the two of them? do i really need a 2nd baby? i'm the only child and i have never felt a need for a sibbling, so i don't know whether i shld go for the 2nd. but my hubby comes from a big family!!
what do you guys say? will life be easy? my hubby and i have just started getting back to normal life like how we did before the baby, going out for dinners,beach outings. the second baby would mean again 3 yrs of 000000000000000000.
please talk .

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2002-06-18
#1
Anonymous Name: new
Subject:  hi again



Hi nicemom,
looks like ur daughter is a replica of mine. Even my daughter dosen't show much interest in eating especially solids. But she drinks lot of milk and perhaps that's why she is surviving! I don't pack any lunch for her day care as her day care provides lunch for all the kids. And since i am a pure vegetarian , i have just asked them to give her some veggie stuff. Sometimes they make pasta, sometimes tofu, some steamed rice or some veggie sandwich. But my daughter dosen't like the food which they provide as we all know that the food they make is somewhat raw and half cooked. So if its the turn of steamed rice or veggie nuggets she eats well and if its pasta etc. she dosen't eat anything. Most of the days when i ask her teacher she says she ate nothing but just a bread and 2 glasses of milk. First few days i was really worried as she never showed any interest. And once again i din't have the choice of sending her home made lunch as here in canada, almost all day cares provides food for all kids. So there is nothing much we can do in this reagard. But when she is at home i too make her some less spicy dal rice, or rasam or sambar. And only if she is in a good mood , will she eat, else just goes to sleep with a glass of milk. some days i make her dosa/idli with sambar and she likes it. Sometimes she eats noodles, but she has bird like epitite and just eats 2 or 3 spoons. I have tried my best to feed her different sort of things but nothing really helps. Sometimes i make her lemon rice or coconut rice and she eats it. But the good thing about her is that she likes fruits and thus eats some portions of it everyday. I also saw many cassettes about feeding the child. They say don't worry about the amount she eats, They say its okay even if a child snacks about for the whole day, but when we make a note of all they eat, we will really be happy that they atleast had a cosiderable amount of meals each day. In ur case u say ur daughter likes pasta and fruis, u should in fact welcome that as both of them are good for her health. For the first 2 days give her favourite pasta in her table, and the third day try giving her some less messy food like lemon rice and give her a spoon. Help her with the first 2 -3 spoons and then switch on her favourite cartoon and silently slip away from that room. Out of interest she will start eating by herself. And give her food in a shallow bowl so that she can make lesser mess. i TRIED ONLY these methods with my daughter and in fact after going to day care she herself got the interest of eating herself. U too try giving ur daughter some soft chappatis and some idli/ dosa as idlis are soft and its easy for kids to eat. U can buy the gits or mtr idli/dosa instant mix and it really comes out well. In fact i too use only them. Try and give some fruits like apple banana or pear and pine apple. Make small slices and leave it on a colourful plate. One more way to attract her is to put the bread and all fruits or some other fruit juices, in the lower rack of ur fridge so that she herself will open the door and select what she needs. In fact when my daughter first opened the fridge i really got fed up with her as she used to pick up stuff like chocolate and other junk foood and kept eating it. Then i tried the child lock and she even learnt to open it. So i stopped buying all those junk food and piled up lots of apple and pears and different sorts of buns and bread, and now a days she does a self service from the fridge. Amusing isn't it. Try all these tips and it will surely help u atleast a bit Give her a lot of fresh fruit juices and fruits, and also a multivitamin tablet everyday, so that if atall she is deficient in any vitamins , it will be made good by those tablets. All these tips i got from my doc & i have started implementing it. If she eats lots of fruits and veggies u needn't worry even if she dosen't eat other daily lunch and dinner properly. Its true, and kids need very little foood to keep them going. Give her a lot of milk and try some interesting flavouring like strawberry and choco mix. She might like a change. If she likes fried rice, try and make a less spicy one and she would love it. And if she likes pasta let her go ahead as its a really nutritious food. These many days even i was worried if my daughter is eating enough, but now i don't feel so bad as i have come to know what sort of food she must be really eating. Some kids have a sumptuous dinner breakfast and lunch and that's it. Wereas some kids like urs and mine have a lesser epitite and this sort of kids like snacking many things in between and spreading it out into many small meals rather than eating 2 large meals, So stop worrying and get her eat the right food. Hope this has helped. Hope to see ur reply soon. bye
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2002-08-27
#2
Anonymous Name: new
Subject:  ADDED



hi nicemom,
Got ur message and i 've added ur name to the list . So then c u tommorrow. till then bye.
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2002-08-27
#3
Anonymous Name: nicemom
Subject:  small correction !!!!



hi new, don't laugh, ok....i mean to write "i couldNOT get into the chat". sorry.
anyways, see you on messenger. i've sent you an invitation.
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2002-08-27
#4
Anonymous Name: new
Subject:  IDEA



hi nicemom,
I too have logged on but not able to see ur at all. May be both of us are doing it the wrong way. BTW i have an idea. i have a yahoo address called, new_abx. If u too make an i.d. like that , both of us can chat thro yahoo messenger. Is that fine with u. Hope to see ur quick reply.
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2002-08-27
#5
Anonymous Name: new
Subject:  CHAT



hi nicemom,
Saw ur message and tried to chat. But can't find u there. I hope i am not doing it the wrong way. will log and see if u come online. bye
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2002-08-27
#6
Anonymous Name: nicemom
Subject:  cheer up



hi new,
i don't knwo how you fell in this mess, yaar. but i don't want to take you in the past and sulk. you are right, we are so much more partial to our hubby's than our parents. i feel bad too.
it happens and i feel thats how god has made us. but i think my hubby also is more partial towards me than his mom. but it not the same in your case.
when have you booked your tickets for. did you get a good rate? my hubby will be back in the mid of sept.so 3 1/2 weeks more !!
i am facing a big problem with my daughter. and i remember you telling me that you have faced the same issue too. so thats why i'm aksing you......remeber we had discussed that our children don't play on their own and want us involved in all the activites....well my daughter ha sstarted palying on her own in the house but she doesn't come out of her shell when we are in a crowd. she stays with me and takes along time before she goes to play wiht the other kids. she says "mama, you come with me too'. i come with her and then when i want to slip off, she holds me ans saus, 'you stay too'. it doesn't look nice when all the other parents are talking and i have to be with her with the kids, you know. have you faced this problem? is this a passing phase? i feel girls are this way b'coz there is another child i know,friends daughter (2yrs) , she also does that. but the difference is that she plays not with other kids but atleast on her own. so her mom is free.
hey, does the chat centric work on this site. i've tried it, and could get to it. have you tried ?
write back
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2002-08-27
#7
Anonymous Name: new
Subject:  hi



hi nicemom,
REading ur message gives me a lot of consolation.I am sure he too will miss me alot when i leave, bcoz many times he has hinted to me that he might start smoking again, due to loneliness, and keeps telling me that after i leave , every weekend he is planning out for a movie or something to keep himself occupied, which of course indirectly means, that he is going to miss me. But the thing is nicemom, that he is not as emotional as me. I don;t know if all men are like that. But when i read ur message, at least few men are like that. They don't show out their emotions to us, when we are in front of us. But now in my case, since, everymonth our finances, are quite tight, i don't think he would even call me up every week or so.
But when i left singapore while i was pregnant, he used to call me twice a week in spite of all the expenses. Imagine at that time, the economy was in crisis and he used to get only half of his pay. But still he used to call me. But after all those fireworks made by his parents, things changed, as they poisoned his mind. And i must tell u one dialogue, which my fil said" he said, that now my son is out of job and is looking for another , at at this time, its none of ur business to expect him to call u every now and then, and that too on isd. My foot who the hell is he say all that. And when he came down to india,(to his parents), it was of course a local call, and i used to call him once and he used to call me once, and for that my mil is telling,"u needn't call him every now and then and ask how he is doing, After all he is only with his parents, and we too know to take care of him. WHenever i think of those words, i just feel like cutting off my bonds with his parents, once and for all. But of course, i knew very well about my hubby. He used to scream at me on phone, and in front of his parents, but when i visited him when my baby was 3 mths, old , he was longing to see me and my baby, and was very thrilled to have us. But again my mil couldn't see both of us happy , and tried to find some reason each day. Like even if i forgot to close the milk for a single, day, she used to make it a big issue, saying, beta she always forgets to close milk vessesl, i am really worried about her. AFter all when ur baby is crying for milk, its quite natural for us, to forget a do a few things, as we are rushing to our babies. In fact mil could have done it silently, but she din't because she wanted to drag this issue, and insult me for such a simple reason. So only this keeps happening, my hubby getting close to me, and my mil fuming with jealousy. She is such a filthy character. My god i just hate living with her around me.
Now coming to the next point, i don't mind coming to the web even daily to talk to him. But u know what will happen after that. He will say, i used to chat with u everyday, and now i will also chat with my parents everyday, when they go back to india, and will log on everymorning to talk to his dad, even dosent mind going to office. He was doing this sometime ago and then with great difficulty he stopped it. So in each and everything there are his parents to compete. U know what, my hubby like a very obedient son will tell everything to his mom, like i spoke to my wife today on messenger, and all blah blah, so immediately it will trigger my mil. She will say, beta u never logged on to messenger these many days, even we would have chatted with u everyday, and its also totally free. So from now on after we get back to india, u have to chat with us also daily, asif she is competiting,
And to avoid all this, i though let me not chat with him atall. But of course, from inside, i want to talk to him daily, that's quite natural isn't it. So nicemom u can very well analyse, how in laws dominated my life is. My hubby would do anything to satisfy his parents. What do suggest i should be doing in such circumstances.
One more thing, i think i am taking the wise decission of going down to india now, because, after feb my daughter will turn 4 , and i will have to pay the full charges for her. Atleast if i return before feb, it would be 3/4th, so that's another point of consideration. And now my hubby says that he is almost made up his mind to quit canada, and move over to the u.s. around april, by then even our citizenship will be thro. I don't mind moving to the u.s. but the only hiccup is my in laws, and the fact that they have their green card. This will give them an opportunity to spend maximum time with us. That's the main reason, i am even now not interested in going to the u.s. See i can never do anything as per my wish , and in each and every thing, i have to think twice about my in laws. I feel so sick.
I really appreciate u for having returned those stuff back. Its really nice on ur part. After all even we do take revolt in some manner, but its great to realise one's mistake. So how's ur hubby doing. Did u chat with him. How's he feeling now, ,btw when is he coming back. I am sure u must be counting days, to see him. Almost even now i am sailing in the same boat, when i think even i will be away from hubby dear. Its amazing nicemom. He screams at me, yells at me, complaints about this and that, but still i love him the most,and want to stay back with him. and i am even ready to leave india earlier for his sake. AFter all we lived with our parents for 22yrs(my case) , and we know our heroes only for the past 5 yrs, but still we give our heroes more attention and always want to stay only near them. Sometimes i feel, we are all selfish that we don't show the same attention to our parents, but that's the truth isn't it. Now in my case, i can say i am excited that i am going to see my parents, but again i have a second thoughts, oh my god., what will my hero do without me. Thought we love both the realtionships, we show partiality to our hubbys only. Strange isn't it.
Do write back soon. bye
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2002-08-26
#8
Anonymous Name: nicemom
Subject:  just bad luck,new !!



hi new,
i'm feeling so bad for you. your hubby doesn't deserve you one bit. my god, you have to give an hesaab of every penny you spend is too much. i think that man shld have got a wife like me who would have spun him to such an extent that he wouldn't know what to do.
i an empathise why you are scared to go to india. those villians will again poison his mind. but i ell you new, your hubby will feel the pain, i'm sure. men like to act very insensitive but actaully they also have the same emotions. he will fake it in front of his mother, say bad things about you, but in his heart will feel guilty, when you are not there in front of him. you think he won't miss you, he'll cry. when he comes home tired, and you ask him how his day was, give him coffe or a meal......all that will count then. he may pick up the phone and talk to his parents but when he lays on the bed to sleep, he won't have you , your smell near him and feel bad. the distance will bite him too.
make it a point to chat with your hubby couple of days in a week. just go to the cyber cafe and do it. keep your self updated about his moods and what those nalayaks talk to him. tell him how his daughter misse him. he'll melt with all this. before going just shower all your love, emotional and physical.
go to india , atleast for the sake of your parents. vent out to your mom and take her advices.
see, in my case , as you also know, he is not bad at all. its just the parenting issued which comes and pulls us apart. he has demanded respect for me inhis family, never aksed me where i spend , etc. he also understands that its humilating for me to compromise always.
but i won't advise you to do the same. see new, command you respect by not giving up always, but when you reach a stage that you are restless and un-easy, give up. b'coz your hubby won't understand and you will be making yourself miserable. healthwise and mentally too. to tell you frankly, i don't know how to handle your situation, b'coz you are so so very compromising and still you are living with all this. realyy sad, new. but i think when you even go to compromise, don't cry to him. sometimes, i know tears make people melt, but you are in one way showing that you need him more that what he needs you. i don't say don't go to him, but give up as if, making it look that its good for both of you and make him feel that you'll both need eachother, rather than only you needing him. you get what i'm saying.
you know what new, after reading what i'm going to write, you call me a silly woman and kiddish. i went and returned all the purchases i had made when i was mad at hubby dear !! i just felt that i shldn't revolt like this and gave up. thats why my hubby says to me that he likes the part of me which accepts that i'm at fault, when i behave funny. (but anyways, it did give me the pleasure at that time....!! good we are not in india, otherwise we couldn't have returned a thing !!)
i don't know whether all the balh blah i did made sense, b'coz i never check my msg the second time and keep writing whatever i think.
let me know
take care
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2002-08-26
#9
Anonymous Name: new
Subject:  uPS AND DOWNS



Hi nicemom,
Glad to hear that u are smiling now and spoke many times to ur hubby. i am really happy for u. keep up the spirit and the following days, would fly. By the way when is he coming back, 4 weeks or 2 weeks. Also glad that u had a good time with ur daughter at the party.

Now when i hear of ur story i really don't know how i am going to part my hubby for 3 months. My god i am not able to imagine it nicemom. Moreever i don't have a pc at home, there in india and i can't even chat with him everyday, and i got to wait for his phone calls. I can of course send him e mails from a cyber cafe , but still u know that its not enuf.I asked him how he is going to manage everything, without me for 3 mths, he says, "if u are so concerned then why don't u cancel ur trip". But i can't do that afterall nicemom. My parents are counting days, and imagine, what they would undergo if i say that my trip is cancelled. Moreever my i laws will be back to india around march, and i have to return back before that. There's no point in postponing my trip , which in turn will lead, to unnecessarily spending time with my in laws, that too after so much of humiliationand ill treatments, I really don't understnad what to do. I feel sandwiched, and i am in such a great dilemma, but for sure, i don't want to go over during march april and stay half the time with in laws. That would be the last thing i would be intrested in.
And these days, he has become too calculative, and asks for all accounts. I really got wild when he said he is just giving me 100 dollars as pocket money, in india. Just tell me nicmom, what the hell can i do with 100 bucks. I told him that he could rather send me empty handed, instead of giving that amount, and then he says, okay 500 bucks and tha's final. I really don't understand what i am going to buy within that. I have such a long list, like non sticks, dress, etc etc, and iam sure, this is not sufficient. But he says, its final and nothing more than that, as if itwere a fish market. I was so upset with the way he bargained at me. Moreoever he is backdating all events, and asking me, "what happenned to those few british pounds, and u.s. dollars that u had exchanged during ur last trip." I really got wild, , it was a 3 yr old chapter, and there was no necessity to ask for it now. He is questioning me as if i were a school going girl. I told him, that its a very old story and i don't wish to talk about that now. And i also refused to tell him what sum do i have now, its so humiliating, nicemom. For that he says that its his money and he needs to know, how much its worth now. I just silently walked out, and took out all those currencies, and gave it back to him, and then he says, i am not interested in it right now. Then why the hell did he humiliate me then. REally nicemom, i felt so ... so disturbed from the way, he questioned me. It was disgusting. And then he himself compromised and told me, i don't mean iam asking u all the accounts. THen why should all this happen. Though he has compromised, i am really not able to digest the way he questioned me yesterday. Am i still a school going kid to be taught about being economical. i hardly spend any money without his consent, and if atall i spend, i immediately give him the updates. In spite of being such a faithful, wife, when i don't get the recoginition for it, i feel there is no meaning to my life at all. I got terribly annoyed, and told him, that its only a wife, who stays with a man thro out his life, not his daughter, not his son, and hence, nobody else is so interested in his welfare as me. But in spite of knowing all that, when he dosen't trust me and asks me so many questions, my heart really gets wounded. " may be it made him realise later, and made him compromise.
I always, keep asking myself, in what way am i going wrong, why is it that he keeps on finding some fault or other. I really don't understood. I am just not able to tolerate his " kanjoos" attitude. After all i am going only once in 3yrs, and even then, if he talks about economics, what can i do. I feel so dejected nicemom. Morever, he is telling me, that telphone bills will shoot up if he calls me every week, and hence he will call me only once in 2 weeks. (but he is still able to call his parents once in 2 days.). In what way is all this fair. I am just staying silent to everything, to avoid some more commotions in the family. TEll me what can i do nicemom. Write soon and bye
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2002-08-25
#10
Anonymous Name: nicemom
Subject:  yeh, we did it to the 100th!!



hi new,
yesterday after a long time i was smiling atleast. the party was fun and my daughter had a nice time too. i was scared about whether she will have her full dinner, but she ate just fine and didn't cry when sleepy. on the contrary, i wnated to start to come back home and she said "mama. wait longer."
i've spoken to my hubby atleast 10 times already. i keep myself awake till 12 midninght so that i can alk to him. being a weekend i didn't want to disturb everybody else by calling earlier.
he is missing us a lot and called up thrice. so imagine....!! he told me that he cherishes what we have , the boding as a family. the kids there, my bil's are terrible , like monkeys. 2 girls 3 and 4 1/2 yrs old. his bhabhi keeps cursing them and they give back. so he said my daughter was an angel. my mom had told me that this would happen. b'coz she said in india children aren't diciplined like kids here. they don't eat on their own, nor clean-up, etc. just pampered. he said my daughter was excellent !! and also praised me !! so i'm happy. anyways, now we are going to chat everyday, so thats one consolation.
we ahve a long weekend coming soon, next weekend and i have yet to amke plans. i think i plan for the zoo and the beach. today i'm taking her to the mall.
nice to know that your daughter is enjoying her swimming classe. love to her
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2002-08-23
#11
Anonymous Name: new
Subject:  days will fly



Hi nicemom,
I understand that u must be feeling really very deprssed without ur hubby around. But u must cheer up atleast for the sake of ur child. Try going out a lot till be comes back, so that u won't feel the boredom. Whenever i get bored, i too go out for long walks or shopping or something. I know stilll u can't overcome ur sorrow, and will miss him badly. But u have to divert ur mind in some other way, atleast to forget it for a while. Try taking her to the zoo or disney this weekend, and see to it that u spend very less time at home. By the way since ur mom is there, u shouldn't be feeling that lonely. U have her for ur moral support. Take her out and do some shopping.
By the way does ur hubby have a pc in his parent's place. If yes, u can atleast chat with him everyday, and if u have a web cam, u can atleast see eachother. Try doing this nicemom, as its the cheapest way to contact each other. Or atleast ur hubby should have carried his lab top with him. By the way when will he be reaching bombay. i hope u must have got a call from him that he reacehd safely. When is he coming back. The first 2 days, u will feel very lonely. AFter about a week, u should atleast be able to accept the loneliness. I understand how bad u must be feeling.
In fact when i was in my first month of pregnancy, my hubby had to go to germany and couldn't take me with him as it was official. Just imagine, i was all alone in singapore, it was my initial stages of vomitting and nausea, and i culdn't even cook for myself, and i was starving. I was feeling so horrible as there was no one to help me and even my hubby had left me for 14 days. But of course, he had very good friends, and daily they used to buy something for me from the restaurants, and used to call me up every now and then, and asked me how i was feeling. And one of my friends also invited me to spend some 4 days or so with her, and it was a good change for me. So try going over to some friends place, and get together. By the way u know there's another co-incidence. I too made rajma curry this morning. And one more good news for u nicemom. With this message, we have hit our firt century in our message board. Did u realise it. Keep writing to me and i will keep replying whenever u feel lonely. cheer up now, and smile.
bye and c u later.
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2002-08-22
#12
Anonymous Name: nicemom
Subject:  hi new



hi,
after a long time.
today my hubby left for india and i'm so depressed. i didn't realise till date that i'm so so much emotionally dependent on him. i just keep roaring when he is around and now when he is not infront of me, i miss him terribly.
i didn't tell you, the fight was patched up mutually. so i didn't have to beg or go back or anything. thank god, atleast this way i didn't have to loose my self esteem. you knew i was hurting so much b'coz of that.
today i feel i have so much responsibilties on my head all of a sudden. you won't beleive , after he left i have been just doing work. putting the garbage out, feeding the fishes (fish tank), dinner, dishwasher, etc. actually when i'm alone i like to wrap up everything by 8 pm.
my daughtter's missing him too. we have not told her that he has gone to india. yold her that he ahs gone to attend a seminar and will be back soon. today she was veru restless during bedtime. she kept saying i want to go down and check. she thought her grand-mom will also leave. she hug me tight and slept. poor thing !! tho' at the airport she was very excited.
oh new, i feel sad today. i think i will have to get used to it. my hubby was very sad too. he said he will never ever book a trip like this. just him. last time i went, it was we went first and then he joined us. but this time he ahd to go for his mom. solve a lot of things with his brother.
nice to know that things are finw with you too. how come you got in touch with your college friends? are they here or in india?
this sat. i have to attend a 'baby shower'. its a pot-luck party, so i'll be cooking rajma curry. i really need to do activities during the weekend, otherwise ther will not be any difference betw weekday and sat/sun for us and my daughter.
keep writing and let me know which dates you fix for your trip to india.
have you seen any new movies lately? i saw 'beautiful mind' very good and 'i am sam' good too. nothing new in hindi yet !!
bye for now
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2002-08-21
#13
Anonymous Name: new
Subject:  HI



hi nicemom,
Glad to see ur message. I certainly won't lose touch, Just waiting for u to come back. I assume, ur hubby is leaving this friday, to india, isn't it coz u told u will get back after friday. So, is he done with all his packing stuff. WEll i undestand nicemom that u will be missing him a lot. But anyways its only for 4 weeks , and he is going to be back. I am looking for some auspicious dates to book my tickets, should do it soon.
Howz ur daughter doing now. My daughter is doing fine, and is enjoying her swimming session in the campus. I have posted another message in the other board, and u can see that as well. bye for now. Looking forward to ur reply.
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2002-08-20
#14
Anonymous Name: nicemom
Subject:  hi new



hi,
sorry i couldn't write abck soon, but my comp. internet connection is giving me a lot of problems. so i will write to you from friday onwards.
my daughter is fine, touchwood. she is going to school too.
everything esle is fine, hope it the same on your side too !!
keep smiling and i'll check back on friday now. don't loose touch, ok
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2002-08-19
#15
Anonymous Name: new
Subject:  hi



Hi nicemom,
I am really glad to see ur smily face at last. Write to me in detail about it nicemom. And how is ur daughter doing now. Hope she has recovered fully. Is she going to school. I just now spoke to my college days' friend on yahoo messesnger. I feel so happy today, talking about all our friends. Waiting for ur reply nicemom. Bye.
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2002-08-16
#16
Anonymous Name: nicemom
Subject:  hi new



hi,
i knew you were waiting for my reply but i'm kind of busy today. had to attend a pooja at a friends place. i'll just let you know this much that things are fine. i wanted someone to give me that push and make me understand to let down my ego, and new you did it. THANKS !!
i'll let you know how i did and what happened may be tommorrow when i get a chance. but new, i didn't cry or anything nor begged, .....i'll write soon.
bye and i appreciate our friendship.
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2002-08-15
#17
Anonymous Name: new
Subject:  try this out



Hi nicemom,
Don't worry about anything. I am here, to help u out. I understand how bad u feel, because i too was in the same situation till yesterday morning. I too get restless when my hubby dosen't talk to me. So i tried remaining silent for 2 days, and 3rd day, i couldn't tolerate it. I went and hugged him and cried out all my feelings to him, and in spite of that he said, no i don't want to talk. But still i din't leave him, i cried my whole feelings out and told him that he has offended me enough and now i can't take this behaviour of his anymore. I asked how bad he would feel , if i did the same thing to him, and he remained silent. I told him that i feel very bad when he keeps on insulting me, and then i asked him and eat, and i din;t. Then he asked me if i am not eating, i said, i will eat later. And then he got furious on me, and said, i too won't eat if u don't. So nicemom, there lies their affection, these men can't live without us, but its their stupid ego which stops them from compromising with us. So in the end its only we girls, who go back to them. Don't tell him sorry, never, but instead, cry out ur feelings and tell him that his behaviour is offending ur feelings a lot. TEll him its only for him that u have been living so long, and when he himself insults u, u don't get any interest in life at all( these are all the things i tell my husband and i am writing everything out frankly to help u out nicemom). Surely when ur hubby listens to all these words his heart would melt. These men are really selfish, and especially when its time to get near their parents, these hubbys think too much of themselves and try to ignore their wives as much as possible. But its our duty to pull him to our side, and show them that we are the prime person in his life, for this even if u have to shun off ur ego do it nicemom. After all u are not going to do this everytime, If u compromise 2 or 3 times, automatically ur hubby will come for a compromise for the 3rd time.
And this is a crucial time ,as he is leaving within a week, and u need to have his company as much as possible, because once he goes, there, he will have his parents, but its only u who will be missing him. Tell him that u are feeling very offended when he is behaving like this, when days for his departure is counted. I am sure this will help u, because i feel ur husband is also a replica of my hubby in his ego and short temper. So i am sure my formulae will definitely help u out.
U have only one week, so do everything very soon, and give me the update tommorrow. If u still wait for him to shun his ego, these men won't and in the end anyway only we will have to compromise, so why not do it now itself, and enjoy the rest of the days ahead. If u are sweet to him, he will admire ur quality of compromising, (of course i am sure they won't tell it out) and atleast will be sweet with u hereafter. And also tell him that all these parenting tiffs are small small issues, and he must not allow it to ruin ur family life, and drag the matter so much. Tell him since u are her mom, u take the privilege of supporting her, and try to hammer into head that u are not trying to insult him but just pity ur girl. U make this clear to him, i am sure he will compromise, and talk to u again. I know we are going too cheap by asking for a compromise to these men, but still nicemom, imagine if u don't compromise, u are only going to be affected, and these guys are not bothered at all, and its only u who will be suffering mentally. My case IS JUST THE SAME AS URS AND I TOO FEEL ONLY LIKE U DURING SUCH TIMES. So please try out my advice, and i am sure, it will help.
I pray the almighty for ur peace of mind, and i am sure by god's grace, everything will be fine tommorrow. I am equally feeling sad for u that ur mom too yelled at u today, i feel so... so.. sorry for u. But anyways, forget it as its afterall only ur mom.don't show ur reaction to her today, but may be after few days, when she is in a nice mood, tell her that u felt really bad when she too shouted at u, this way ur mom will understand ur helplessness better.
So cheer up nicemom, don't cry and try out my advices, and i hope to see a happy face in ur reply tommorrow.
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2002-08-15
#18
Anonymous Name: nicemom
Subject:  feeling horrible,new



hi new,
i really don't know how bold and strong i am. all i can see nw is that i want to cry out, cry loud and want somebody to hear and console me. i don't feel like playing this tough person anymore but i have no other option. i don't have to courage to go the second time to him and get a 'no" fo the answer. that will be the limit of humiliation.
i'm feeling so horrible that there's only a week for this man to go and he doesn't feel like compro. i'm sure he has forgotten that i had gone to him and when he'll want to talk he'll say, "oh you didn't come to me". so again he'll make me feel that i'm wrong and cruel, etc. i don't love him like how i used to anymore but as i told you before he has become a habit. like you even i get restless if we don't talk or joke. but i can't take another insult that too without reason. justa parenting issue which he could have forgotten or if not that, just put it aside and not let it come betw. us.
my daughter also clings to my mom and she wants her to be there everywhere. thats the reason i think, my mom also bursted out on me today, saying, "you don't even consider my age." all i had aksed her is "mom, are these clothes to be put in the dryer?". she started, "you want me everywhere, how can i put them in the dryer so soon.....!!". i felt so hurt.
we forget that they are individuals like us. but i'm also so bottled up with my problems, so... altho' she knows about it and tolerates me a lot. a lot !! my daughter really bully's my mom, poor thing.
in short i'm hurting and crying now. what do i do, new?
write soon, please
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2002-08-15
#19
Anonymous Name: new
Subject:  bad luck



hi nicemom,
Ur life looks very similar to mine. If we compromise for a day, something else crops up within 2 -3 days. so can't stay peaceful together for even a week. Well what u are doing is correct. Set up the dishwasher 2-3 times a day and let him get a dubious bill.And also hats off for buying some stuff for urself. So how is ur hubby now,talking well to u or not.Its really bad on his part, to stay away from home so long, and sleep at 1.30 etc etc. How are u able to digest all this. I think u must be a very bold person. In my case, if a quarrel prolongs for more than 3 days, immeidately i go for a compromise, i just digest that silent atmoshphere in my house, But i very well know that i am weak hearted and never bear all this for long and i think my hubby knows that very well. Anyway my motto now is only to have peaceand harmony in life, and enjoy life atleast a bit.And i always try to stay away from quarrels, but in spite of all this, something keeps happenning, I would love to have a peaceful life for atleast at a stretch for one month, and i am trying it hard, but my god, it dosen't work. I am sure u too must be feeling the same way isn't it.
But in my case its different. Evn if we quarrel only my hubby does the dishwasher. And even if he lies down on bed, i will go and once again remind him, that he has to do the dishwsher, and so far, he has been doing it. In our case we won't even talk for 4 days, but we will keep doing our routine, adn nothing gets demarked, the only thing is i will cry a lot and feel helpless, and i can't bear when my hubby dosen't talk to me well.
And nicemom, i really appreciate u for being so bold, but i am not able to follow ur footsteps in the same. iAM a weak hearted person, who can get offended easily and i think its difficult to change my nature.
About devdas, we tried watching it yesterday, but my hubby din't watch it for more than 5 mts and said , its tooboring, u watch the rest. But u know i like all those kind of romantic movies and hoefully i should finish waching it soon. But i agree its a very slow moving movie. I just watched half an hour yesteray, and immeidately my aughter came to me saying, mama , i want to sleep.. so that's it. But i liked the music and the songs so far are really good Will tell u the rest of the comments later. Glad that ur daughter's reports have come out normal. Then why is she getting it again and aain. VEry difficult to diagonise, isn't it.
keep me posted of the improvements. TAlk to u soon, bye.
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2002-08-14
#20
Anonymous Name: nicemom
Subject:  hi new



hi,
yaar, what to tell you. thats what i told you last time, 'ups and downs'. he did say 'sorry' and then the very next night we again had a tiff on the same parenting issue. so i told him to stay away from it for sometime and let me handle things. since then all this. not spoken to eachother, just the bare neccessity. today i did the dishwasher and i put it 'on' even before we had our dinner. see my main work is doing the dishwasher, right...so i did it. whether i have dishes left again or not , i'm not bothered. he used to wait for all the dishes and then on the machine , a large load. what i'm going to do is 'on' it in my convinience. i don't care whether the water bill or electricity bill comes high. i also shopped a few. jsut a few , didn't get much. one capri and one dress.
today, he has gone (9.30 pm) to his friends house to set right some computer problem. his friends got some comp. difficulty. so today also he'll come late. that friend is an american , so i don't think he can sit long there.
luckily, god is taking care of my daughtter's behaviour. she is doing great and is well behaved when i want her good. she eats without a lot of fuss and also sleeps fine. no crying.
her health reports came back normal, so now we don't know what causes her illness. all the docs say its sheer bad luck, thats it.
what else is happening with you? did you finally get a chance to see'devdas'? i have seen it and din't like it all that much. actually felt it a little boring too. saw 'humraaz', thats ok.
on friday i have to attend a pooja at a friends place. some ladies function. so i have informed my hubby to please start atleast to feed my daughter dinner and i'll come back soon. i'll sit there just for 15 mins exact. the whole thing starts at 6.30 pm and my daughter eats dinner at 7.15, so....she won't eat dinner from my mom's hand. other things she'll eat. so i'll cook pasta, her favorite, so that she doesn't fuss and give a chance to my hubby...
bye for now, write back...
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