Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi ,
I have problem with my sister-n-law right from my marriage. She is the only daughter in my husbands family with two brothers. And so she used to dominate her brothers. My husband listens to whatever she tells. He doesn't listen to me but he listens to his sister. I think it is her way of tackling her brother is different. She talks cooly with me but behaves as if I have to cook and do everything for her.We live near to her place and she always visit us for 15days. Her husband listens to whatever she says. After coming to my house she behaves as if it is her own house and I'm there only to cook and take all the responsibility of maintenance.after I cook everything for breakfast & lunch, knowing it she goes to her brother asks him to get a pizza for her. I don't mind her asking her brother. But why don't she do it infront of me and why don't my husband tells me before he goes out and bring it for her ?
And she will be pleased if we both spend our entire time chatting with her and give her first preference no matter other things. If she sees my husband helping me she stays long at nights till 2pm or 3pm chatting with my husband(they tell me to sleep) and complaining him that she is suffering alot at her home and her husband doesn't help her.Though her husband helps her alot.She couldn't see me talking to my husband and my husband too never talks with me infront of his family members except some few formal things.I have a 3yr old girl. And even feels jealous if my husband holds my daughter. She thinks everyone has to give her first preference. And so inlaws are like that. They wants me to give importance to her and wants me to please her. Both my MIL & SIL behaves differently infront of my husband. They doesn't even come to kitchen or help me anything, even if I have to cook for 10 people & I work and manage my kid too.
But when husband comes home they pretend that they were doing everything in kitchen. My SIL is very clever and asks to cook something and goes to my husband and says 'I don't have any curry today , so Iam feeding only curd rice to my son 'etc.... And obviously my husband trusts my MIL & SIL. They lie to him and he never knows that.
He always trust them and fight with me. I cannot prove it since they act differently in his presence. When both SIL & MIL are not at home, he loves me , he cares me but if there are some one in the house he doesn't even look at me. He doesn't care me or even cares if I eat my dinner or not. This sicks me lot. I feel that he loves me only if his family is not around him and if he sees his family, he doesn't need me.
Other than that he is a very sensitive guy and a good father for my kid.
They talk daily on phone in my absence and she tells him that I didn't do this & that ...those type of things. Whatever we do in our house, she feels that I have to tell her. For ex, buying furniture,buying CD's,taking appointment for physicals, etc... Initially I used to tell her and after that I stopped. But my husband alsways tells her everything even if I had a stomcah pain today he tells her tomorrow when he goes to office. And she treats as if I'm a patient. I didn't like that and told my husband not to tell her about normal illness. He says I'm thinking too much his sister is more concerned about me that's all. After so many days of arguments finally, now atleast he says he doesn't tell about me. But I don't trust him coz I hear the news from my SIL.
I have 2 sisters and I never tell all these type of silly things to them and he says his mother brought them in a good way that they have so much affection with siblings. Nobody have such affection he says.
Whenever my SIL visits us she wants me to sleep in her room not with my husband. My husband too wants me to sleep in her room and give her company and he sleeps on sofa. Moreover he says his sister loves him very much. I tell him that this shows only pocessiveness not love......but he doesn't listen to me. I don't understand why can't a couple sleep in their own bedrooms ?
And why should I sleep with her to give company ?
When she is not with us my husband doesn't let me sleep alone even for an hour. I feel that he loves his sister more than me and likes to make her more confortable all the time. Otherwise he wouldn't have asked me to sleep in her room.
My MIL & FIL also feel the same. They ask me to sleep in her room. Even my MIL sleeps in our room.
They both tell my husband about me...not taking enough care of SIL etc.... and whenver my husband call them they tell these type of things and he fights with me.They lie to him. After so many fights, I told him that he should fight with me only if he sees with his eyes. And now they started telling about my parents. They always tell him that my parents are giving much preference to my sister 's MIL & FIL etc....
They are now comparing with my sister's MIL & FIL .Though its not true they have successfully poisened my husband's mind against my parents.
Now he fights with me and asks me to tell everything to my parents. And asks me to tell my mother that they gave more property to my sister than to him, which is not true and he tells he doesn't want my parents property but he says he got less share. He said he doesn't want any dowry in our marriage. His brain is poisened and doesn't want to see the truth. If my Mom gives little bit less to me since I'm working here in US then what's wrong. I don't understand that.
Why should he fight with me for that reason again saying that he doesn't want any dowry or any property.
We did H1 for his brother and brought him to our home and took care of him and started a bussiness for him investing some thousands of money. I gave my full support to him in whateverr he is doing.
He doesn't help for anything in the house or with the baby and his fulltime he helps his brother in his business. I don't mind this but still my inlaws doesn't feel I'm a member of their family. They want their daughter to be happy with her husband. But tells negatively about DIL to son.
I don't understand this behaviour.
How to make him feel that I 'm also important in his life and I'm the one with whom he is going to live for his entire life and not with SIL/MIL . How to make him care for me in his family's presence also. vinita replied. dear sindu,
i can understand in our indian society lots of ppl r like this in this relation,but still u r in better position ,i know few inlaws who r more worst then yours .dont think i m not agree with u or i cant understand ur pain i can this is very painful too but still i m assuring u in better place then me .i m telling u this bcoz when we c person who is in more pain then us we feel bit relaxed so think bit lucky. offcourse they ppl r not behaving like normal human beings but god is seeing everything 1 day they will realise there mistake and feel importance of urs
so bye cheer up,be happy.
bye
vini neelam replied. listen, whenever a new person comes into the family, everyone has to adjust. You cannot accept the family members to make an attempt to like you when you don't make an attempt to like them. Your husband has spent maybe more than 20 years with your SIL and maybe just 3-4 years with you. And if you remain aloof, then u and everyone else will suffer. Remember that its your family...ur husband, sil, mil...all family. So love them and then you won't feel jealous about them. I think what you want is that everyone (specially your husband) to listen to you and only you.......thatz not how a family works.....be accepting to people and they will reciprocate the same. Don't goto vicious ways....bitterness always brings hatred, never happiness. Good luck. saheli replied. King Uncle,
Yep I agree that people change but what I was trying to tell Sindu was that don't get hell bent on changing your husband. The change comes on its own. The more she tries to change him the more he will resist. In anycase who needs a change once the damage is done. When my spirit is dead even if my husband becomes Prince Charming I don't care.
What I fail to understand about Indian men is that they seem very mature in understanding what their sister's and mom's want.But where does that maturity go when it comes to the wife. That's because they take them for granted. They know what their wife wants but they don't have the courage to give her. But for their mom they will go to any extent to please.
If a person is immature then its complete immaturity but this selective maturity is beyond me.
You maybe an exceptional man coz you are on this message board. All this is trivial for common Indian men.
THe very fact that most messages here are posted by women as to how to keep their spouse happy and very rare queries by men as to how to keep their wives happy may tell you something. All men are taught is to value career and parents, they don't value their relationship with spouse as much. So why are you telling us women to build trust? Is it only the responsibility of wives to make a relationship work??
Both have to make effort so when Sindu is trying hard to make it work I think her husband should make an effort too.
And I did'nt talk about breaking a relationship. Being an Indian woman its very hard to break away.
And somehow all the endurance in any relationship is woman's. So its easier said than done to be cordial to mean and nasty in-laws.
This is all about putting people in their place and whenever a guy feels threatened in a marriage he knows that he has to put his wife to her place.

Anyway I can go on and on about this so will end here.

Its better for Sindu to shift focus away from how her husband is treating his family and worry about how he is treating her.

Take Care
saheli replied. Hi there,
Realistically speaking how many husbands change their behaviour and pattern when the wife emotinally blackmails them or shows maturity to not fight with them about in-laws?
The bottom line is when you can't solve a problem leave it alone. This is a typical Indian male behaviour to ignore and not talk to their wives in front of their family. Not very surprising to me.
I feel these people are bugging you coz you let them do it to you. Next time when ur husband makes you sleep with his sister all you have to do is make her night miserable. Keep tossing and turning and let your kid disturb too. Next time she will never want to sleep with you. Keep getting up for bathroom, bang the door, keep flushing and get to bed with a thud. And all this has to be done innocently. And please remove your focus from your husband's behaviour. The more you try to change it the more he will be adamant not to change. Leave him alone.
Look for happiness someplace else. When he realizes you are enjoying even without him then he will tag along. People hurt you where it hurt the most. Don't let them do it to you.
When you cook for all these people, make nasty food. And keep praising it.
When she comes to your home, make some plan with your daughter to go somewhere. Who wants this conditional love that if his sister is around he won't look at you. Why do you expect so much out of him if he is being a jerk. Please don't make your life revolve around your husband coz it will hurt you more and more. Have a separate life with your child. Join her in activities, make friends and just leave the guy with his sister and go. Trust me he will come running to you. No husband can see his wife having fun without him. My husband was the sameway about his parents who live with us here in the US. They made my life miserable coz I let them. Now my mil thinks twice before saying anything to me. She still makes me feel bad but I give a damn to them now. For me anyway the relationship with my husband is ruined. Earlier I hoped for things to get better but now I don't want them to get better. Who cares! I have shifted focus. Now he gives me love, importance and everything I wanted before but now I don't need anything from him. I have become independent and I have my kids with me. I go have fun with them. And I have 3 sil's all living here. So imagine my life.
Don't worry how your husband is behaving with his sister but when you talk to him don't mention her. Leave them alone. The more you fight the more he will side with her.
Be tactful and clever.
Take Care!! mann replied. Hi Sindhu,
I agree with king uncle.u dont worry about it.For every thing there is a limit afterall.And they r trying 2 cross that limit.Dont think that i am trying to put ghee in fire.
Infact u did what a good DIL should do .but that didnt work out because they dont deserve that.
so what u have to do is influence ur husband as king uncle said .thAts the only way out.i also know that its not so easy .so now what u can do is \"; DO ACTING\";.It may sound silly or stupid but sometimes its very important 2 do .The only thing is whatever u do it should not harm anyone.so do it now.Its time to act.
like the way ur SIL acts.like when ur SIL asks u 2 sleep with her.go to your room and call ur husband 2 ur room and say that u r not feeling well and u really need him not anyone else (sort of emotionally blackmail).say u want silence and ur hubbys presence only .Remeber all those filmi dialogues to blackmail him emotionally.
now when they come home and they dont help u out .u take the step just show xtra love to ur SIL and tell some stories and like for example give her the vegetables and ask her in a nice way to cut it in the meantime u will do other work (with a smile).just tell her to do that.or just say u r not feeling well u cant cook rather buy .then when evryone is around u show extra love to ur hubby .always make him feel special.always praise ur all in laws infront of ur husband( especially when u both r alone).so that he should always feel that u r comfortable with them and next time when they say this-that about u to him .he will surely not believe them.

I know u may not feel comfortable 2 do all this but we have to do some sort of such things to control the situations which may otherwise worsen.
u did good but they played with ur feelings .so why sholud u b the only one to do all sacrifices 4 their happiness who dont care 4 u evn a bit.

afterall its ur life and family thats matter.u should at all cost play this game .this is the only way to get back ur hubby and happiness in ur life.

be bold and when ur husband is not around show ur authority to them directly and when he is around give extra love and care 2 them.
u have to build trust in ur husband in this way.

so start it now b4 its 2 late.u r not doing something bad but 4 ur husband and happy life.

ACT NOW.B STRONG .LET NO ONE PLAY WITH U.JUST LET THEM B AWARE OF U.DONT GIVE THEM ANOTHER CHANCE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF U.

WORK IT NOW OR NEVER. king uncle replied. Dear Sindu,
You are in a tricky situation and it is extremely difficult to come out of it.I can only say that you have shown good patience and the solution to your problem is a long time one and requires alot of tact.

Don't quarrel with your husband about your MIL and SIl.from your message it is evident that he loves you a lot and only if your inlaws are there he behaves as a different person.It is a matter of trust which you have to build up with him.He has to start trusting you more than he trusts his inlaws.You have to influence him using others example and stories of people known to you to tell how people behave differently.You can use the case of your daughter to tell him that u would not like to get her married in a house of MIL and SIL.I can understand your frustration but remember quarrels only increases emotions, creates hurt feelings but never solves the problems.You should quarrel but then but not with emotions.

remember it is a game of influencing and building trust.chalk out your way.My best wishes!