Relationships  Discussion Forum

This is my first post to any board of this type. My problem is far smaller than many mentioned here, however I still need to vent about my SIL.

I am very happily married. I have the greatest, most loving & caring husband in the world. We have 2 beautiful young children. We are very well settled with successful careers. You ask what more do we need right?

My FIL passed away soon after our marriage and my MIL lives with us. This situation has taken adjustment and sacrifice both on the part of my husband and me but neither of us has ever thought we would want things any other way. We have taken things in our stride and been as caring of my MIL as possible.

She is still very active and takes care of my children while I work out of my home. She takes very good care of not only my children but also of me. She does genuinely treat me like her own daughter. Occasionally I get irritated when she boasts about her only daughter (my husband has only one elder sister - again well settled, married, professional career with kids who lives about an hour away) but that is to be expected. Like all MILs she is set in her way which I accept. I don't interfere when she is in the kitchen or even when she is handling my kids. I do believe in her preserving her independence and having her feel that she is an integral part of our household. I do not like to interfere in her way of doing things. She has lived her life as a nurse and I do trust her with my kids. I believe to have a good relationship it is necessary to build such trust. Also, I mostly don't react when she makes negative comments about my approach to things with the understanding that she is an elder and I must respect her.

I strongly believe I have made my home a comfortable, loving environment for my MIL.

The problem lies with my SIL. She lives within driving distance and generally speaking the family is very close knit. I do not expect her to take an active role in her mother’s care (that is our responsibility) and do appreciate that she calls to chat with her Mum everyday. My MIL expects a call from her everyday which I have no problems with. My MIL keeps her up to date with the goings on in our household which I also don’t mind. They most talk about my SIL’s kids and my kids.

However my SIL is a loud mouth, likes to throw her opinion at us (whether we ask for it or not) and speaks without thinking she might hurt someone’s feelings. She thinks she is always right and many a times talks to me in a very rude manner. She too is a professional and I don’t believe it is right for her to talk to her sister-in-law (she even snaps at her brother and mother. She is older than my husband but that does not mean she needs to speak rudely to him) in that manner. In my opinion she needs to watch how she talks and control what she says. I have seen her converse with her friends and she talks so sweetly to them. She has even said in front of everybody about me that “She is a member of the family now so I can shout at her as much as I like”. How immature for a professional lady with 3 children? She is so trivial in many ways….she will even comment on the way my MIL (her own mother) washes her dishes. She makes a big deal out of everything minor. God forbid should MIL make her food not perfect for her and her kids taste. In my mind some things are so minor she should just keep quiet. In my opinion I speak to my MIL with more respect than my SIL does.

Up until know I have gotten upset about things and let them go thinking it is not worth the confrontation – that is just her personality. Plus I hate to disturb the peace and start a fight. However, I am very upset with her latest comment stating that my MIL needs a break from my baby. This occurred after she asked over the phone if I was accompanying my husband out that day. It was an event not for very young kids so we would have left the baby at home. She purposefully asked the question so she could turn around and say MIL needs a break from the baby. This clearly tells me what she thinks -- that we dump our little baby with my MIL too often so that we can go out and we don’t care about MIL. SIL thinks we are misinterpreting her comment but we (my husband and I) both think it was very purposeful. She obviously has issues on how we take care of MIL but she cannot come to us and discuss it like an adult, instead she has to make sly and tactless comments.

We rarely leave both our kids at home with MIL. Most of the time when we plan to take the baby with us she will suggest she keep him at home for company. As nosy as my SIL is she fails to see that my MIL offers to take care of the baby. When she is tired she tells us that is tired and won’t watch the kids. My kids are her purpose in life. My MIL herself suggests that we go out many a times. Even if we offer my MIL does not want to go out. She prefers to stay at home. We feel bad about leaving her at home so 9 times out of 10 if we feel like going out we don’t. My SIL doesn’t count that. She shows no appreciation of all the little things we do for MIL. All she can do is comment on the few times we get out. I spend the whole week in the house at home with my kids. I even wait for my husband to come home before running errands so Mum doesn’t have to watch one kid any longer than I work. I could take both the kids (the baby is old enough now) but she would never agree to that. Don’t I deserve to get out of the house sometimes and do something different? SIL is not taking the time out of hers and her family’s busy schedule just to come and spend time with her Mum. Even if we offer to drop MIL off at her sisters, friends etc she refuses to go. Many a times she has refused to go spend a night at her daughters. We don’t force her to go but go out of the way to drop her off if she wants to go. What am I supposed to do? It is a dilemma. Sit at home because MIL doesn’t want to go out OR go out and feel guilty about leaving MIL at home alone (which SIL would probably have a comment about too) OR leave one of my kids at home to give her company. Where in all this is the time we can go out at a family with our kids and feel no guilt and no stress?

Am I making a big deal out of this considering every member of our family (our generation and parent’s generation) is educated and somewhat modern, brought up in a western society etc? Aren’t the days of SIL (brother’s married sister) being free to boss her brother’s wife are over? I need advice on how far I should go to argue this out or just to continue being civil to her but not feeling close to her at all.
DIAS replied. Just remain silent and show ur respectto ur MIL all the time.
She's only worried her mother is not n'joying her life as before when her father was alive.

So just ignore her ,and if u can ,smilingly give hints toMIL that SIL comments r hutting u .
continue loving ur MIL.It's really a bigg gift to get a MIL with positive attitude towards DILs.So n'joy ur life ignoring trivial things.Just assure ur MIL that always u love her and her dauhter though she is cranky. sam replied. I think you are doing the right thing by ignoring trivial matters regarding MIL and especially SIL.

I also feel that a DIL should NEVER interfere into hubby's family unless it seriously impacts her.

So stay away from what SIL does with MIL/hubby, how she behaves with them, what they discuss etc etc.

For them, you are a third person (dont forget they hv lived together for years and she was elder). MIL/hubby might be feeling bad when she comments ... but who will they tell?

They may talk rude to each other 1000 times, let them do whattteeever they want. Remember - one word from you is enough for your SIL. She will create a huge scene out of it. This will spoil relations (your family's relations with her family, and your relation with MIL and you will be held responsible) for ever and disturb family peace.

I suggest
- u havent mentioned if ur hubby is aware of these thoughts in ur mind. Make him mentally ready so that if something happens it is not a surprise to him. Take a right chance and right time to hint him about the happenings and how it is impacting MIL/family but dont say you guys should do something abt it. Say it was just FYI.

- Ignore trivial matters as u have been doing. Hats off to you!
But I dont like the comment she made about dumping the baby with MIL.

I believe, if we safegaurd our house, it is difficult for others to break into it. People will try ways to break the family, rather than defending them, first make the family stronger.

You have already made your home comfotable for MIL. Talk to her, express your thoughts that you 3 are together and will always be, etc etc. If she is upset on SIL's comment, make her believe how u respect her for how she takes care of baby, and that external factors should not affect family peace.

- if u think speaking to MIL is not the right thing, then talk the same to hubby, i think he will understand

- once u do this, and of the SIL still does things that are not trivial, i think it is your duty to make sure you maintain integrity and peace in the family and wave off intruders.

I have little insight into your matter still tried to express what i felt. Please think and take decisions carefully.
Sam