Relationships  Discussion Forum

hello everyone,

I just need your suggestions as how should i go abt my career.

Well its now almost 2.5 year of my marriage and am due for my first child in Oct 06.

Till now, I have many conflicts with my MIL and FIL as they are quite interfereing and controlling. Even a stage reached in my life that she blamed me for hitting her. She has done so much interference in our private life that discussing all that just make me HATE HER.

She just have two sons and am married with the elder one, who is very obedient and more have been upbringed as the most responsible kid of the family in terms of doing work. The other son is quite independent and normal i would say.

He respects his parents but also puts his foot forward after a point. But my husband can not say NO to anything his parents say. Also his mother has upbring him like a daughter so some extent who used to help her in teh kitchen than going out and playing with kids.

My husband loves his mom too much so much so that can't hear anything abt her.

My intial married life was hell as i had arranged marriage so didn't have much repo with DH intitally and MIL made my private room like her room. Till 8 months, she didn't allow me to do any work for my DH, not even taking care of his undergarments. I am working so i used to leave my home wth DH early morning and came back in teh evening. After us, she used to go to our bedroom, and changed bedsheets on my bed (don't understand till now why) and used to open almira and keep DH's undergarments and pressed cloths before my return so that i don't have idea abt his things so soon.

Surprisingly, there were lot many things which were very irritated for me being a newly married girl but since my DH never supported me and always asked me to say sorry for reacting to inlaws interference. It broke me from inside to the extent that i lost my TRUST ON ARRANGED MARRIAGE.

I am earing good salary and been a scholar since my school. Earned so much respect for my parents always from my Teachers and Neighbours. But my MIL's behaviour made me refute back. MY HUSBAND IS QUITE AFRAID OF HIS FATHER TILL DATE AND NEVER utter a word of support ot me wn they used to blame me for my behaviour before him.

Today, wn i am preggo and have somewhat better repo with DH and understood very well that refuting with these kind of inlaws will just earn me bad name. I changed my approach, I started behaving with MIL, FIL as my own parents (i did behaved this way initially but wn they used it to control me like a slave as his son, i stopped) but today i keep giving them love and respect irrespective of the fact that they didn't reciprocate it in the same way.

Today, things are that I am going to be a mother in a few months so am afraid
(1) should i leave my job and take care of my kid as i don't want my MIL to upbring another son of hers like my DH

(2) but on second thought, i think being at home will further make me irritated as because of her habit she will definitely interfere and keep on intructing me everything, which will make me tense and may be another round of confict and tension starts.

I am so much so upset with all the FUSS and drama they creat that i just want to ignore that atleast for few hours wn i am office.

But I am a emotional mother as well and want to give all my attention to my child

Do u guys think leaving my new born baby for with MIL for more hours will make my life more worse.

Will my kid be more dependable on my inlaws than me if i don't leave my job.

Few people advise me that leaving kid to the MIL is a good idea as that will make her busy and her attention will be diverted to other things. But am totally confused what to do.

I always aimed for a balanced life. We can't change our elders so i know i have to live with MIL FIL attitude but don't want any tension what so over.

CAn u guyz please suggest me, all this is just making me sleepless at this stage.

luv to all
vandana deepa replied. message continued!
Got to log off...my kid got up crying!

Yeh, coming to maid...MILs are very chaloo to play politics here too! Usually, maids take advantage of this.So, be prepared for all these things...never ever utter a single word against ur MIL infront of ur maid.

All the very best!.
Take loads of care of yourself & the lil one.

Deepa
Deepa replied. HI vandana,
Nice to hear that you are thinking about your future well ahead of time.

Dont you ever quit your job. Thats the only thing that will give you peace of mind. Let your MIL take care of your kid. Yeh, It is very painful to see they taking over the real mother, but after all nobosy can take Mother's place.

Yeh, Have a fulltime maid for your MIL to take care of your kid.But, as an experienced person, iam warning you, be firm with you maid and never utter any thing against your MIL infront of her. MILs are very chaloo friend replied. Hello. I have gone through similar thoughts and am sure so have other working wives. I have a suggestion for yo. Keep a full time maid and instrut her what has to be done for the baby and let your mum in law supervise the maid, if she at all wants to get involved.
I personally feel you shd concentrate on your career because the baby will grow up with time and will start going to school then college, but you will have nothing to do. Enjoy your maternity leave and then see if you can work out a decent arrangement. Keep control of your baby from the beginning. Don't lt your mum-in-law take over. ss replied. dear vandhana,
U r one smart girl I guess.No matter what happens you are going to be alright!
When you wrote that you changed your bahaviour and started acting lovingly towards your in laws even though they don't,I could understand that you are very clever and smart.good for you! you need to be like that, to handle your mother in law kind of people.
Anddd either way whether you leave your child with your inlaw or if you decide to stay back with your baby ..there are going to be lot of itchy witchy incidents her and there. No decision is perfect in this matter.whether you go to work or dont go, your narrow minded weird MIL and FIL are going to create problems and more..So I would say think about how you personally feel...your feelings and ONLY your instincts and your desire!
As a mother I would say (& from what you had told about yourself --u r \";emotional mother\";)you need to stay home for sometime with your baby...May be for a year or so...Your baby needs you, not your office.(you have no idea how it is going to be.Even I left my job in which I was earning good money and position until my baby was 1.8 years old.It was worth it)Think about it!!!.
And while u r at home with your baby you need to little patient and put your foot forward conveying the message that 'this is my baby.i know what is good for him or her and you all better step back'.After that when you go back to work you can make use of your MIL to babysit your baby!.
Anyway you think about it.
If you want to go back to work still you can be very smart in doing the same( make sure everyone understand that YOU make decisions for your baby at the same time make use of your MIL to just baby for you..)
Good luck with your baby.
Don't let all these sadden your mind.not worth it!
enjoy your baby his or her movements and the happiness.It is a glorious thing!!!.
All the best to u.