Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi everybody,
I am very depressed and dont know whom i shud consult and who will guide me ..so am approaching u all.I dont kno how to tackle my problem becoz if its my problem i want 2 sort that before it becomes 2 late.
Last year got married and now in Us.My in-laws demanded a lot of dowry which is still pending...so they are creating always problem.. my hubby supported me and he askd his parents not to do hurry and he will ask wenevr he wants and dont create problem.But his mother called my parents and started harrasing and after that wenever v used 2 call them she starts complaining against my parents..as the speaker is on i can clearly hear that..twice or thrice this happened and i tried 2 ignore and i told my hubby that it hurts me when she complains abt my parents for no reason...and what my in laws always tell my hubby is that since my hubby is NRI ,my parents are trying 2 snatch him away from them.my parents have some ill motive etc.then again one day wen v called she started complaining abt my mom something very bad regarding money ..so i tuk the phone and i askd her what is that and she startd making stories and i told her that y r u doing like this we all r one family we hav 2 live happily 2gethr ..u all r elders if u do like this then what we will do..how we will maintain hamony in our family and suddenly my hubby tuk phone from me and started yelling at me \";who told u 2 ask her like that\";?
Then aftrsome day he calld his parents 2 say sorry 4 evrything ..and they both my mother-in law and father in law started complaining against me and my parents again and my hubby who when gets angry gets out of control started yaelling at them saying that they destroyed his life by marrying me...askd them who told them 2 accept this marriage proposal...his whole life is ruined becoz of this marriage and i tried 2 stop him ..i held his legs ..he told (while he is in phone) that i am responsible for evrything and i was just shattered...being in US with no relatives around i feel so helpless..dont kno what 2 do..i felt like leaving evrything and go somewhere ...i cant even go 2 my parents do u all know y becoz my brother is also divorced ..his wife left him becoz of her affair with her childhood boyfrnd...my parents are already totally shattered i dont know hwat 2 do?
i cant even share my pain with my parents...Initailly wen we used 2 fight he wud get out of control..his eyes red and he wud threaten me that he will call my parents 2 say that ihe is going to send me 2 them and i wud cry and beg him ..once even told me that if u want 2 go 2 ur parents u will stay there only 4ever..noone knows wat i went thru...we usually hav fight more becoz we both r hot tempered ..if i say anything about any husband like luk at him he doesnot do like this he will start fighting saying dont compare me with anyone otherwise u go and stay with him.I am very sensitive small things make me sad and nowadays since my brother got divorced and other side my in laws demanding dowry and disturbing my parents am not able 2 keep myself in balance atall..am trying 2 smile just 4 my hubby's sake..Not only this he is not at all that interested in sex ..i have 2 request him always and he is having preamature ejaculation problem also.he will try 2 watch porn movies alone wen i am not around and if i try 2 c he will tell r u not ashamed 2 c all this...and wenevr we go out he will b staring at girls and if v r out with some couples he will dont give much attention 2 me instead he will smile and share joke with those girls ..which he does not do with me....i feel very jealous and angry and my mood will b off and we will fight.
on the other side he will never 4get my birthday..will give me gud gifts...etc so am ot sure wat 2 do.my problem is that i cant do forget and forgive..evrything remains in my heart ..wenever i think abt his parents i hate them like anything and sometimes i hate my husband also...i dont know hether its normal or bad?please gyuide me i feel like my marriage is on th rocks..day by day its getting weak and am not sure what i shud do 2 prevent it from happening..please ghelp me ...i can only count upon u guys out ther...i will really appreciate if u all will guide me and make me more strong ..i dont want 2 break this marriage .help me pleeeeeeeease. Rekha replied. can i say something.....i know it's like crying over spilt milk...but seriously.....WHY...WHY did u get married to someone asking for dowry???
I remeber in school one day we had a debate in between class about dowry. The brigtest boy in our class uttered these word...if someone is giving me free money why shouldn't i take it. That was the day i told myself that I would not get married to someone asking for dowry...howevre good he is. See the thing is it might be free money for him..but hard earned money for my parents...and that shows that he is not ready to respect my parents.

I really really don't understand why in todays age and time would any girl or girls parents agree to dowry.

Anyway..i'm sorry I can't help u in the current condition...I'm not in u'r shoes...but if u got into this dowry mess knowingly..then u should have know that things will get bad...cause in u'r in -laws eyes it's a breach of contract. I know this sounds reall really mean..but how can u get mad at u'r in laws and husbad for being what they r and the key here being..u knew from day one that they were like that. I think it is naive of u to think that people change where free money for them is concerned.

The only thing that will solve this marriage is that u need to make u'r husbadn realise that there is no more dowry..and he and his parents need to close this chapter..if not..then maybe u should consider getting separated.

And i think u really need to open up with u'r parenst and talk to them .Cause if u'r mil is banging at their door they know what's happening..and maybe they think that at least u'r life is peacful. Talk to u'r parents and solve this amongst u'r selves..

All the best....and i hope things work out for the good for u..whatever they might be. JointFamily replied. mitra's advice below is very good. I don't want to mild that. But adding on few things that I think are also important to that advice.

1. Ensure that you look the best of yours. Keep fresh, tidy and wear best of the dresses.
2. Keep the house clean. Don't be shabby.
3. Engross yourself in reading when he is away or busy
4. Assure your parents that things will be allright, you are confident to manage and will seek their help if required.
5. Dowry is crime, but this should have been thought before marriage. Now that you are married, they should try to negotiate with your in-laws, pay whatever they can in parts (not hold because your hubby supports) and settle the issue. You only get that money anyway.
6. Keep cool and remind your husband whenever he does wrong things (watching porns, staring at girls etc). Such people have inner guilt feeling and your reminder will help keep it alive. Don't be party to such things (like you watching porn, unless you both enjoy it together)
7. Stop begging, feeling helpless, crying. Look ahead in life, not in the past.
8. Your story sounds like nothing is wrong with you. Is that true? Try introspecting and find out what you need to improve on.

Enough of advice! Will be good to see some actions from you now! :) replied. If I am not mistaken it is illegal to ask for a dowry. I was under the impression that it was \";out-lawed\"; way back in the 50's anon replied. Dear sha,

I know your parents are already troubled because of your brother's divorce. So you expect not to give any trouble from your side. The only problem you have is dowry. Your hubby seems to be understanding. Your foremost task is to always keep him in a good frame of mind. Don't you ever panic and fall at his feet, or cry or blame his parents. This will infuriate him more. Once you have won over your husband, then most of your problems are solved. As regards your inlaws blaming you and your parents, just ignore small minded people. Don't worry many things are difficult in the first year of arranged marriage. Get yourself involved in activities like music, gardening etc. If you can work, then why don't you go for work ? mitra replied. I am not surprised to see that the dowry problem exists even in educated families. Be it US/India, according to me, there is a strightforward solution to this problem, and it can be executed by us females.

Dowry system is a simply bullshit thing according to me. And i pity the husbands who agree to this but still lack the guts to give it to their parents when parents favor it. I believe there is no sense in continuing with a person/hubby who also believes/supports in a dowry system. One should give time for him to change and then even if he doesnt change, one should think on strict lines.

This is my opinion, I dont know how much you agree to it or suits you. But if I had been in your place, I would have done following things :

1. First and foremost - Be independant. In terms of money, in terms of emotions.

2. Till the time I am financially dependant on my husband, I would keep cool, be patient, show that I am good and not create scenes (even if I am right). In short, I would be tricky and be nice to all - especially be loving and caring to hubby - and act on achieving my aim of having a job/stable earning in hand. It might take time depending on if you have a work permit or not. Whatever, wait till then patiently. You can use this time to prepare for required skills. This would need a lot of sacrifice and tolerance because I would have to listen to in-laws blames and yellings ... but fine. Take it as a bad phase and be positive that it will pass away. Everybody has one.

3. Not have baby till I am independant. That is another emotional bonding and dependancy for a woman. During this period, in-laws, parents, relatives and almost everybody else night start telling you why a baby is needed at this stage of life - you might come across reasons you feel are valid - such as kids' age when you retire, second kids' age when forst grows up, female's body changes, etc. Dont fall prey for them.

4. Decide your priorities and plan accordingly ... is living with a hubby and family who constantly asks for dowry + kids + dependancy on him - is what you want .... or you can dare to separate in extreme scenarios? (Well, I would go for the former one.) Plan the 'balance' you need. Decide on the time you want to try for job/earning, if you really want kids and max how much you can postpone having kids ...and be ready to lead a dependant life if you are not successful in getting a job. Having kids is not the responsibility of a female alone. Secondly, it is a big responsibility. If a female is depressed, sad, sufferring in her life ... i wonder if she can give her 100% in rearing the kids in the way she wants. Remember, you are responsible for shaong them up.

Once you start earning, you will immidiately see change in mindsets of people. Also, always maintain relationship with hubby clearly. See, at the end of the day he also understands that he has to spend life with you. Seems your hubby also undertsnads that dowry is not a good thing. So i believe he will support you later if not sooner, if you win his heart and maintain it.

I leave to you about handling the dowry discussions with inlaws and parents meanwhile.

My suggestions might take you to extremes of marriage life. So think and decide yourself carefully.

mitra