Relationships  Discussion Forum

Please help. Need guidance from you all.

I am an India based DIL, and my problem is again the typical problem of not being to adjust with MIL.

I have been married for 5+ years and have a 4 yr old son. It was an intercaste love marriage. We stay with my MIL (no FIL) since 4 years (since my son was born). Hubby and me are working and earn v well. When I go to office, my kid stays with my MIL and a female maid. The maid does 99% of house work when I am away and does almost everything for the kid. MIL - you can say - is just a supervisor but - I have seen many times - she doesnt do 100% justice to the supervisor's job as well.
She is not financially dependant on us.

When MIL decided to stay with us, my hubby had told me that his mom is a very dominating and a short-tempered person. She believes she is the best and has so much ego that he has not seen it in anybody in the world (she doesnt even spare my 4 yr kid for that).

When MIL and we started living together- as has happened with most of you - she started pointing out my mistakes and creating scenes. The peace of house would break every 7 days for stupid reasons. Sometimes I was wrong and sometimes I was not. I used to stay quite and say 'Sorry' to her. But i started getting tensed about 'when next will the bomb blast'. Thus, I stated staying tensed and depressed all the time. My office work laod added to it.

As days passed by, she started pointing out more on my habits, my manners - particularly because of my different culture. Once, she went ahead to almost blame my upbringing (parents)! That was it. I lost my cool, and shouted on her like anything.

I remember had shouted loudly on her - that I too dont like 100 things in you and your culture, but as I have accepted you all, you have to accept me as i am. (Though I have changed a lot after marriage. I have totally left my culture and accepted theirs.)

But she has not changed.
But now - when she starts something, I just reply rudely and bluntly, and walk into my room. Then the communication between her and me totally stops and this goes on for days-to-month till something (relatives visit/function) re-establishes the need to communicate.

This behaviour gives me a mental peace that now home-peace will not break after every 7 days. When there is no talking, she doesnt create a scene or blame me'. I live my life peacefully and dont care about her at all.

I dont want to show only my side to you all. I want you to point out whats exactly wrong & right.
Big positives of having her in family are -
1. there is an elder family person in the house when I am away. Kid is safe. I am relaxed in office. Also, though the kid doesnt learn good things staying with MIL, at least he doesnt learn bad things from illiterate maid.
2. She was a working person and hence understands things. She gives total support and encouragement in terms of job and promotions. Even suggested me to study if I wanted to (well, but if I am in the house, she wont enter kitchen!).

But I am not able to balance between her positives and my stress. I asked myself if I am anyway dependant on her. As for my son, I can leave to maid or if need be, change my job to a simpler one.
Practically speaking, in the long run, she would become weaker, and has to stay with us, and I would be the one who will HAVE to take care of her as she becomes old and helpless. She doesnt think like this - thanks to her ego - she believes she can stay alone with servants and her relatives are better people than her family.

Am I going right? Is it ok to continue like this or there is something I can change?

radha Lakshmi replied. Hi Radha,
Even I have the same problem like yours, ours is a state where we cannot deny our inlaws and HAVE to take care inspite of all the adversities. To tell you even my MIL is financially dependent on us. But do you what is my agony? I can't say SHE financially, she behaves as if its all hers, and in case I need to buy anything precious I need to spend my own money and should not ask husband. The other day my husband has got me gold eartops and you know what she says over that\";we have bought you this\";...I wonder what does she mean by saying we.....even I can say I got for myself.....as legally husband's is all mine I am his spouse.......well I am looked upon as an outsider and behaves as if I am staying in HER house....while every single ruppee is spent by my husband.....and rest all problems are same as yours exctly yours and yah she is highly superstitious and forces me to follow all shit......well THE SOLUTION EVEN I HAVE NOT FOUND I would love to get separated from my inlaws but what to do......they do not have anything of their own and also we cannot run two-two houses........I feel the only solution is NOT to change yourself(the way I have done to some extent, even we are cross cultural)and be as you were....that's it as I have learnt that the more you try to listen to them and follow the more will they sit on your head........Anyways....if you could find some solution kindly let me know......even I am desparate and very tensed because of my Mil. Lakshmi replied. Hi Radha,
Even I have the same problem like yours, ours is a state where we cannot deny our inlaws and HAVE to take care inspite of all the adversities. To tell you even my MIL is financially dependent on us. But do you what is my agony? I can't say SHE financially, she behaves as if its all hers, and in case I need to buy anything precious I need to spend my own money and should not ask husband. The other day my husband has got me gold eartops and you know what she says over that\";we have bought you this\";...I wonder what does she mean by saying we.....even I can say I got for myself.....as legally husband's is all mine I am his spouse.......well I am looked upon as an outsider and behaves as if I am staying in HER house....while every single ruppee is spent by my husband.....and rest all problems are same as yours exctly yours and yah she is highly superstitious and forces me to follow all shit......well THE SOLUTION EVEN I HAVE NOT FOUND I would love to get separated from my inlaws but what to do......they do not have anything of their own and also we cannot run two-two houses........I feel the only solution is NOT to change yourself(the way I have done to some extent, even we are cross cultural)and be as you were....that's it as I have learnt that the more you try to listen to them and follow the more will they sit on your head........Anyways....if you could find some solution kindly let me know......even I am desparate and very tensed because of my Mil. Viv replied. Radha,

You pointed out some good things about your MIL. She encourages you to improve yourself. And, even though she does not help around the house nor with caring for your child, you said that you feel that your child is safe when she is around.

Because she is educated, she feel superior to the maid and also just about every one else. Let the maid care for the child and the house. You can assign your MIL to teach your son. This way, her ego won't be hurt. Let your hubby do this. It will stoke her ego and make her feel good.

You should stay out of the house as much as possible. WHen you are not at the office, take your son on long drives and walks. Eat out at restaurants with your child - it will be quite a learning experience for him.

Avoid your MIL like a plague, and be extra nice to her especially when hubby is around. When you feel like trouble is brewing and she's about to start a fight, leave her home and take baby and hubby out for fresh air.

My MIL is the same...such ego! Acting all helpless when her son and FIL around, but such insulting mouth when they are not...she is NOT nice to my children and make my hubby (her son) cry so many times, but that's another story...

Keep the faith and hold your tongue, especially when hubby is around. He will love, repect, and admire you more for putting up with his mother's attitude. You will look like a saint next to her...and hubby will notice...even if not right away.

Lots of luck and God bless.
Take care,
Viv anon replied. I too have a mil who thinks she is the best in the world and all others are not worthy. She too blames me for all the silliest things in the world and she has to, so that she can feel better by putting me and my parents upbringing down. Nothing great in her behaviour. But atleast for you, your mil allows your personal growth like she asks you to study further. my mil hates to see me progress. She hates relatives and does not have friends. She is a loner whose ego needs to be fed on a daily basis. she is a widow and I too think its better to have an elderly lady at home. But she thinks that I want to keep her with us so that I can have her as my servant.