Relationships  Discussion Forum

hi new,
i agree with your mom's advice. act sweet and call up your mil in the absence of your hubby, may be in the day time and ask how she is doing and how you are awaiting their arrival. (my foot!!) she will definitley be flattered and the next day your hubby calls them up, she will let him know. let your hubby know that you want to talk to mil and so does your daughter. in this way , he will feel guilty of talking to his parents hidingly.

i really fail to understand what your hubby talks about to his aprents EVERYDAY!! may be "mama, what did you eat today? did you sleep well? brushed your teeth, seeimg t.v....blah blah" i mean what else can you talk everyday!!
abx, don't take the incidence to heart. i understand exactly how you feel, jealous , hurt and neglected. but don't react till the villians have left your country. if your try asking sweetly and in a round about manner, does your hubby talk about what he speaks with his parents or what they say? are you good in taking words out of his mouth or mind? if yes, listen to all what he has to say but don't give back for right now. let the oldies go. for the 15 days that they will be with you, imagine that your hubby is not with you. don't expect anything from him. this way you won't feel that bad when he does special things for his parents and not for you. rest in the other board. take care and reply about this.

hi tensed and nicemom,
Nicemom hope u saw my message in the other board.
And how are things with u tensed. We had a good weekend , a family party at the restaurant, and my daughter too had a lovely time, but u see god never allows me to be happy fully and always gives me some sorrow along with my happiness.

U know , when we did some shopping , my husband opened his purse, and accidently i could see a calling card in his purse, and i could assume what could have happened.

Actually after that b'day episode , my hubby completely stopped calling his parents from our home, and i already suspected something fishy is happening about it but never asked him anything so far. So i can now understand that he is buying calling cards and calling his parents from his office daily. Just imagine, calling them from his office that too daily. I felt really bad that he has been cheating me these many days, and doing things at my back so far. And there is also a change in his attitude, like he isn't so close with me, and dosen't even talk much. I can understand tht my mil is constantly comlaining about me and brain washing him about something or other, otherwise what should be the need to talk daily. I feel so hurt when he behaves so indifferent with me, may be he has already started rehearsing his behaviour for the arrival of his parents.

I have already told him many times to call his parents from our house, as i too can have a word say atleast once a week with my mil(of course i know i am not doing it whole heartedly, but atleast there won't be any complaints about me.) Moreover if he always calls them in my absence , what won't they think about me. They will think that i am stopping him from calling them, and that's why he does so in my absence. And they will manipulate this distance between both of us, for their own benefit, like talking about their grievances at his office. I din't react in anyway so far, as i din't want to spoil our relationship once again, and morever if we quarrel now, then my hubby will make it a big issue and take it to his parents when they come here. But at the same time i am not able to digest that he is always calling them in my absence just to insult me. and even his beloved parents call him only at his office. I never disclosed the fact , that i noticed the calling card in his purse. But i need to cleverly manage this problem, and see to it that he dosne't back stab me. please advice me what to do.

I spoke about this to my mom as well, and my mom says that its difficult to change his attitude, as he is totally only a mama's boy and if at all i say something , he will only accuse me for nothing at all, as tht's what he has been doing. My mom advised me not to talk about that calling card matter, and act as if i have never seen it at all. But instead asked me to take care of them well when they come over so that at least after seeing this, he will stop finding fault at me. And she asked me not to question him about calling from his office, as he will not listen to me. Instead my mom adviced me to call them for a while and just inquire my mil about their trip and wish them a happy journey before they leave, This way i will also earn a good name from my husband and my mil can't find fault at me.

but u know friends, the only thing that irritates me a lot is that calling from the office thiing, somehow i can never digest that. This just means that he is pretending that he is good to me, and actually trying to back stab me isn't it.
Do u have any ideas by which i can cleaverly tackle this problem and make him call from our house( because i don't want my mil to poison his mind in my absence). My husband always insiss that i must call his parents voluntarily and talk to them daily. Stupid isn;t it, calling them up daily. But i also did so once and my mil never talks to me well when i call her. Its again only that sarcastic talks only as if she is talking for my sake, and again going around and complaining to my hubby that i don;t inquire about her welfare and talk to her nicely. Even if i talk she finds fault and even if i don't talk she finds fault, and is not happy. Please tell me what should i do. Since she dosen;t give a good reponse when i talk to her, i insist that my husband is present with me, when i talk to her, but again now my husband is avoiding the job of calling them from home, but insists that i only should call her and be nice to her, and if i don't do so, he is in different with me, though he dosen't quarrel. But i feel this sort of behaviour is worst. i really repend the invention of a telephone and just have started hating that word itself, because that stupid thing is making my life miserable. please advice me what to do, i don't wish to lose my husband for the sake of such stupid in laws. WRite soon ... please.

Hi abx,
I had been out this week, hence couldnt write to u. Read ur message today. Congrats for the new job. U must be very very nervous now since only 10 days r left. I can just hope for the good and tell u 'All the best'. Anyways, got to go. Will write soon.
Bye and take care.

Hi tensed,
How are things working with u now. My hubby has landed with a new job and probably he will be joining it around 1st week of august(when my in laws are there), so another reason for my in laws to show off, saying our trip has brought fortune for my son, etc etc. And my will show off as if she is pampering her son by telling, poor son, he has to start so early in the morning, he is working so hard etc etc as if he were a baby. Well for the sake of the family both of us have to undergo some harships and hence my hubby considered this job. And when he comes back she will make a big fuss saying, my son is tired, don't ask him to do this and that . Stupid lady, i wished i sealed up her moouth long before, so that she dosen't talk at all. well tensed only 10 more days left for their arrival, and u can undestand the mental trauma i will be undergoing. I feel really sick. I don't know what all bad deeds they are going to do to me when they stay here. Any improvements in ur situation now.
write soon.bye

Hi abx,
Thanks for ur birthday wishes. It was nice. Of course, no one from in-law side wished. But one way its good as I was not in the mood to listen to their voice. My husband gave me some gold jewellery and took me out for the evening.

Sorry that ur birthday was ruined and also ur weekend. Ur husband did a foolish thing by leaving u like that on ur birthday. These in-laws are so cunning. I dont think we can do anything till our husbands dont change. Its up to them to take care of everything. If they want everything can be okay but they r too scared of their parents and dont want to hurt them but can hurt their wives. And thats why these in-laws can take advantage of their dil's because they know that their sons wont say a thing.

I too like u wish that I should die soon instead of living a life controlled by our in-laws. What else can we wish for. Is this a life that we are living. I just pray everyday that God should really punish these in-laws. But then that will also turn out to be a big problem for us. Tomorrow if something happens to my in-laws, then we will have to go India forever and stay with them tomorrow itself. So I cant even pray that something should happen to them, ultimately it will be a burden for me only. So what can we pray??? That we die soon.

I have not yet read the 'waiting to try' section. I'll read it in sometime. Bye and take care

Hi tensed,
First of let me wish u a very very happy b'day. I pray god for ur well being and lets hope we could always stay away from our in laws thro out our lives. That's the only best wish i could make for u and also for me. How are u planning to celeberate the occassion.What did ur hubby get u. Have a wonderful day. By the way, did anybody from ur in laws wish u today, and did ur fil and mil wish u.

Coming to my previous issue. By the way check up my previous message as well. U know what hapened that day, my husband very proudly called me from office, saying did u see the e card , and i bluntly asswered yes and sayed silent and then he too din't speak anything and said bye. I don't know what happened after that, i think he called up his parents and told something, i don't know what he spoke. But he spoke something, and as a result my mil callled me up at 7.p.m. in the night to wish me. I knew something like this would happen and hence left it to the message. Tell me tensed if a person really wants to wish someone, won't they wish them in the morning. Instead she called me at night, after the full day is finished and wishes me as if for the sake of it. U know her tone was so bad llike a witch, as if she never wants to wish and doing it out of compelsion, she just said, happy b'day, looks that u are not at home(even there she shows her sarcastic way of talking) and then says happy returns(in the most unhappiest tone).I could understand that she never had plans of calling me and just did it because something had happenned. But i am sure my husband would have never shouted at them as he shouts at me. He must have asked them soemthing in the most polite manner and hence they did this.
That day he returned home with a serious face and is asking me "what's worng with u and why wre u upset." Dosen't he know why i am upset, why should be pretend like this, I never replied anything and just said that my life is like that only. So he jsut got dressed and walked out of the house, and said he will come home late. but came within an hr(its only later on i came to know that he had planned to see a movie alone without me and that too on my b'day, see what a wonderful husband i have!)
WE never spoke to each other for the full weekend, and u know as usual its only we who have to talk. But i din't ask for a compromise,and just told him tht i have to dicuss certain facts with him. He very well knows that the fault is in his side, and hence tried to avoid conversing saying, that i don't wish to compromise with u, i hate u and i don't want to talk with u or even see ur face, and threw fury of words, which i can't even write. I told him that even i don't need a compromise with him, but still i got to talk to him about certain thing, and u know he came to sit down without any interest, because he knows what his parents are doing is wrong, but still won't accept it.
I asked him if he converesed with his mom from office and asked her to wish me. He said no. And immeidately started shouting at me, saying my parents are perfect, and usual blah blah. I said then what happened otherwise. He said that he asked his parents why they signed up their name as from Mrs. so and so. instead of writing mummy and daddy( what an isult how can these deceivers become equivalent to my mom and dad. Our indian custom expects us to call such in laws as mom and dad and i hate to call them like that). And it seems for that they had their own grievences about this and that. But i din't ask what it was, because i knew very well what they would say. So its better i don't get too involved and ask in detail, then he will again start imposing this and that on me. My hubby says that i din't invite them nicely to our house. U know tensed, i have already asked them about it and when they don't reply back to u, u don't feel like asking it again and again. Anyways whether i invite them or not, they are going to come here, then why all this hypocrisy of not being invited. I don't really understand. For all that they have done to me, do they expect me to give them a hearty welcome and a 1000 invitation. I really can't do it. Well i also enquired my mil about all her tickets and stuff and she as usual gave a sacrastic reply and hence i finished that matter. I know what my husband expects, he wants me to call them up everyday, and say a 100 hellos, mom, how are u , i miss u a lot and come to house soon etc etc, Highly ridiculous, i can never do it. If she too did the same while i was in india she would have had the same nice treatment now. But now , in spite of doing all this to me, they want me to this and do that. I think my hubby expected me to say yes to everything he says henceforth, but i din't say yes this time. I stuck to my ego as well and i said that i have been giving them enough repect, but never get back the same courtesy from them, and hence even i am upset.
But frankly speaking tensed, its only ur support and nicemom's support(in the "waiting to try" board, my name is new there, and u can check it up as well) that made me fight so boldly. Never have i expressed my self so fully to him, ur supportive words always kept ringing in my ears, and i fought back with him, without worrying about anything, because i was so frustrated. I told him that he dosen't hve any originality and is being puppetted by somebody (i am sure he understood what i meant). I told him that he has never fulfilled his duties as a husband towards his wife, and has never been supportive in crucial affairs and hence i too hate him. I told him frankly that i live with him just for the sake of my daughter and nothing else. WEll i had been longing to say all this to him and i did itat last. I know this will not bring any change in him, but atleast it will give him an idea about the impression which i have about him and i a happy about it.
And yeterday my sister's son's, sacred thread cermony was celeberated( i hope u know what it is, its a long cirular white sacred thread which brahmans are supposed to wear) and it was celeberated in a very grand manner and she had invited about 200 to 300 people and i really missed the occasion a lot. All that i told him is that we will wish that little boy congrats on the great occasion. And u know what this stupid man says, he says, according to him its a very small occasion and he is telling me tht i am showing off too much about this occasion just beause they belong to my parents side. and he is trying to find fault with my sister saying both of them earn in their house, thye have built 2 big houses of their own, and u say they are not well off. what business has he to say all that. He expects them to call them on isd again and again and give him updates about the function. Rubbish, i felt its better he dosen't wish them at all with so much of venom in his mind.My jeejaji sent a wonderful email requesting him to bless him on the occassion and sent him the original copy of the invittion etc etc, but still my husband is not happy and he needs more repect. AFter all my jeeja is much elder than him and he has given him so much of repsect, but my husband never evenhas sent a single e mail to him or spoke to him so far. Its only i who talk to all my family members. U know that little boy is just 10 yrs old and he never even wants to spare him, what sort of uncle is he to that little boy. I am really ashamed of having such a bad person as my husband. How can he do this to such a small boy, who is not atall concerned with all this in anyway. I think heis going mad and that's why he'
s behaving like this. But u know when his brother's kid's br'day was celeberted even my sil din't give me any formal invitation but i went there to bless the little boy with gifts and thing like, and similarly my other co sis's "godh bharai" function was celeberated they too din't invite me any formally and just conveyed the message to me, but i had the courtesy to call her up and congratulte and be nice to her. And when i asked him about all this he says" may be u a are a big soul and a mahaan" but i am not and i will not wish that boy. Disgusting isn't it. Well i decided not to request any more, and i called them up after he left for office today and talked as much as i can with everybody there (my brother, my sis , my jeeja , my parents and everybody,) let him get a dubious bill. who's bothered.

U know after so many arguments my huband says his parents are perfect and are faultless,and anything that they do cannot be wrong. What can i do with this soft of rude person who never even realises who is good and who is bad. If at all he's a human he must have realised it by this time, but....
I don't think he would every change thro out his life. But if he is not ready to do anythhing for my parents, let me also not do anything for his parents, but just talk to them whenever i am requested,. U know my in laws have their green card and they are with their other son in u.s. but, he wants to get all his medical check up done only over here, in canada, and dosen't ask about all this when he is with his other 2 sons. Does it mean that only we are meant to do everything for them. Why can't he get it done , when he is staying with his other 2 sons, he is scared to ask them about all this. My husband is a fool who is ready to spend so much thro his nose, when he can't even afford it. Isn't it digusting. If its any sort of expenditure they need only my husband to do it, but they never have any sort of gratitude towards me for this. What sort of rotten people are they, Frankly speaking tensed. All that i feel about them is oh my god they are 60 and 70 now and i have to put up with all this rrubbish atleast for the next 10-15 yrs. I really feel its better i die before these people so that atleast i don't need to get all this ill treatments.
reply soon and once again wishing u a very happy b'day . bye. Waiting for ur reply.
"

Hi abx,

I'm very sorry to read about ur situation. I didnt know ur husband goes to the extent of complaining all nonsense to ur parents and making ur parents miserable like this. If this is the case, then there's very little u can do about it. Because u have to keep quiet for the sake of ur parents and bear everything for ur daughter. In my case, my husband has never ever hurt my parents in any way and I hope he will never do anything like that. So I have a good chance of not talking to my in-laws and my parents wont have to bear anything about it. But for u, its very bad. And ur husband has even threatened ur about divorce. Well, in this regard, yes, atleast for ur daughter, u cannot think about divorce. If u wouldnt have had ur daughter, then I would have really suggested u go for the divorce rather than living with such type of a man who does not respect ur parents who r innocent in all this. But in this situation, u have to think about it. I mean in one way divorce is not good for the kids. So I guess u will just have to keep hope that one day ur husband will change. I had told u my problems and how my husband also does what his parents say but not to this extent. He takes care of me a lot and helps me everyday in my work at home, even though he goes to the office and I'm at home. And he's very nice with my family members. So when we have arguments and I tell him I wont talk to his parents now or anything, he gets very angry with me & quarrel a lot but we never bring such matters to our parents. He never insults my parents or anything like that.

I dont know what I would have done if I were in ur situation. I guess I too would have done the same like u, just bearing it. Do u think ur husband will really give u a divorce or do u think he's just threatening u but doesnt want to give a divorce? It would be good to find it our but it will be veryyyyy risky, isnt it. If u too tell him that u too want a divorce, u can find out if he is really serious or suddenly he changes, but its too risky. If at all he's serious then u two might get a divorce and ur child will be affected. So I think u just have to pray that things will change and try not to think too much about it all. Just concentrate more on ur daughter and have hope. Maybe one day everything will be fine. Take care and reply. Bye

Hi tensed,
Thanks very much for ur concern. In fact i needed a consoling word like urs today and i have got it. U know , when i am typing this message, tears are flowing out of my enyes. First of all i wish u a very happy b'day on 15th. So both of us belong to cancer,
I should tell u one thing before that. U adviced me not to talk to them when my husband gives the phone to them.I tried this 2 years before, and only as as result of all this today i am suffering so much. U know what happenned. When i was pregnant, my in laws were in the u.s. and i was in singapore. When i used to talk my fil never used to respond to me and hence i told my husband that i won't talk to his parents any more. U know what my husband did. He wrote loads and loads of complaints to my father saying, ur daughter is an adament girl, she is high headed, she never listens to me and she is ignoring my parents. She dosen't talk to my parents when i request her to, and is trying to insult them. I feel u and ur wife haven't brought her up ideally and that;'s why she is like this. And u know initially my father was very nice to him saying i will advice her accordingly and she will change very soon. and then this kept continuing, like my husband complaining lots about me. And at that time i came down to india for my delivery and he was alone in singapore. EVeryday my dad used to get this sort of mails and my dad never told even a word about all this to me, because he din't want to give me any sort of tension as i was pregnant then. then this kept continuing and one day my dad told about this to my mom. Then my mom supported me saying, why is it that u never told nothing so far about this to me and asked my dad to be a bit more tough with him. then my dad stopped taking this bullshit from him saying, u are choosing the wrong time to complaint about all this. Now its time that my daughter needs peace of mind and happiness and hence i don't want u to complaint about all this, and i requeest u to be a good and loving husband to ur prgnant wife, and hence my husband stopped writing about all this. then when he came down to india, he used to shout at me from his house and his parents came to know that something is going on between both of us and his dad asked him about everything and the very dutiful son told them everything about our personal life. Then my in laws got a very good chance to attack all of us, because their son were at their mercy. They took full advantage of it, and asked my father to come to their house. and when we went there they complained as much possible about me to my father and said that iam not a ideal dil. To add to this u know what they said. They said that since i keep crying a lot, i should be mentally instable and they said unless a psychiatrist certifies that i am mentally healthy, they won't allow me to live with their son. And to add to this my husband started black mailing me that if i don't respect his parents, he will not take me with him to canda, and then said that he would give me a divorce. U can very well understand what the girls parents will feel like at such times. so my mom asked me to call up my in laws and like a stupid i was calling them up twice a week in spite of all this. And still they kept complaining.
Then my nparents got wild and couldn't take it any more and said tht he has troubled me a lot. U know my husband was shouting like a hysteria and said that i am a high bp patient. My mom politely told him, why do u get so tensed to such silly matters. Looks like only bp is shooting up now. My mom with a very heavy heart said that my daughter is not being taken care of at the crucial time of her pregnancy. and told that they allhave done too much to me while i was pregnant, and i was an unfortunate girl. On hearing this my mil came jumping , and said what didn't my son do for ur daughter, din't he get her milk, fruits to eat.Well u see tensed, my mom din' mean he din't feed me well, but she meant tht i was mentally torutured during my pregnancy, And it was 200% correct. Tell me tensed which husband dosen't get his wife fruits and milk and that too when she is pregnant. Isn't it uncultured on my mil's behalf to point out all this at a pregnant lady. And then u know what happened. My dad said that he cannot tolerate if any injustice is done to me. And so my fil was guilty and hence to hide it, u know what he said, he asked my parents to get out of their house. So u can understand how much my parents have been insulted. So my parents stopped stepping into their door steps from that day. Till date they neither visited them nor did my in law visit us. And so far after that incident my dad just called them up twice or thrice and tht too because my daughter was sick while i was in their house.

so tensed , u can now have a very clear picture of what shit my parents had been taking so far and how much i have been suffering at the hands of my in laws. Tell me how can i forget all these injustices done to me.
I too don't like to talk to my in laws and my husband dosen't give me the phone everytime he talks. But atleast he gives the phone to me once a week, and i feel even that is too much. U can imagine how much he will be talking to them them daily. And if i say no, once again u can imagine the mess tht's going to happen.... Every time when we quarrel he says if this keeps continuing he will go to family court to apply for divorce., Tell me tensed what can i do when he is so tough to me. If i get tough, he sees to it tht he makes my life miserable. U know what will happen if i say no to them, he will call up his parents, in front of my face and start complaining about me again.. So u can imagine what's going to happen.

This is my fate and this is my life, I have no other go but to live with this man.And i have been tolerating all this because of my daughter. Because i know how difficult it would be for a child to grow up when their prents are divorced. And if i argue too much he says he will apply for a divorce and dosen't wnat to live with me any more. How can i arugue with this sort of a man. That's why i sent a thanks card to them, but without any closeness and just signed my name,without writing quotes like"with love , dear etc etc. It was just a blunt greetings. and this too i did just for the sake of my husband because i din't want him to blame me tommorrow. If i keep my side safe, tommorrow when any argument arises, i can defend myself by saying i did reply back but only his parents didn't have the same courtesy. And there was another intention behind this. I don't have to talk to my wicked mil today if i do this.I can say i have already thanked her and go to the bathroom. But i don;'t know how far all this is going to work out.

Well tensed my heart is growing heavier and heavier and tears are rolling out of my eyes. I will catch u up later. Please reply soon.

That's the main reason i don't like when they come to the u.s.. becauw i have to talk to them very often.
What sort of b'day is it. This is the saddest b'day ever.

Now u know about my life fully tensed. How can i tackle this sort of a man who never supports me at all.

Hi abx,

First of all let me wish u 'A very Happy Birthday' and all the best. I know by my saying all the best, it wont change ur life, but I sincerely hope that u should have the best in life. No wonders our day to day situation used to coincide. U know why, because my birthday is also in this month, its on monday. So we both r from the same sun-sign, we both r suffering at the hands of our in-laws.

I cant believe ur in-laws doing such a thing on ur birthday. If I would have been in ur place, I would NEVER have sent them a thank you card. If possible, dont send any card. When they didnt have the courtesy to wish u directly, why do u want to send them a card. Forget it. I know they might later on bring that up and make a big issue that u didnt even say thanks to them, but its okay. U listen to them everytime, just take this too. But dont let them feel that u r obliged to thank them. In fact u should have asked ur husband that does he think it right that they have not wished u directly. Confront him about that. If at all he tells u to forget that and send them a thank you card, ask him directly why u should thank them when they have not wished u directly. In fact, tell him its an insult to you on ur birthday. See what he says. If he still says u should send them a thank you card, tell him to send it on ur behalf, same like how ur in-laws sent their message thru him. If he says its not right for him to send the thank u card and u should urself send it, then ask him directly that when they did the same thing u said forget it, its not wrong, then why is it wrong now? Even if he tells u to talk to them in the evening, if possible, avoid it. Tell him now itself that u r very hurt about it and dont wish to speak to them in the evening.

Once again the same coincidences. My in-laws have never ever wished me or even sent me a card. And I wish them, my s-i-l's, their kids, for every birthday. Just two months back was one of my s-i-l's birthday and as always, my husband was dialing her number to wish her. I knew he will then tell me to talk to her (like it always happens), so when he was dialing, that time itself I told him not to give me the phone to wish her. U urself wish her on my behalf. He was surprised and asked me about it. I asked him that on which of my birthday have they ever wished me or sent me a card and I have wished them on every birthday and yet they treat me like nothing. I told him frankly that I dont want to talk to her. So he spoke to her and just made up some excuse about me.

Its really surprising that ur husband would keep quiet about such matters. I dont know how far u can go but maybe u can try being a little bit more bold. Like for eg. henceforth dont talk to ur in-laws everytime ur husband talks. When he gives u the phone, dont take it and tell him u dont want to talk to them. Have u tried this anytime? Today or tomorrow tell him that thats it, they insulted u on ur birthday and u will never forget that. Tell him that now ur patience is over. Tell him directly that now henceforth dont ever give ur the phone to talk to them. Let him himself talk as much as he wishes.

Stop wishing them on their birthdays too. See what ur husband says. If he argues for sometime and then becomes okay, then its okay. I think u should start reducing being in touch with ur in-laws. Let me know if u have tried being adamant and tried not to talk to ur in-laws. What does ur husband do in such situation?

I too have started doing in this manner because talking to my in-laws lovingly didnt help me. In fact, it hurt me all the more. So one day I told my husband that I wont talk to them every week whenever he phones. I told him that it has reached such a limit that I've lost my patience now. Now I wont be that innocent d-i-l who keeps quiet to each and everything and suffers quietly. He argued with me and we also quarreled but I'm still firm in those decisions. I dont talk to them everytime now. So u too try in that manner. Stop being loving to them. Let them know that u r not scared of them. The more they know that u will do whatever ur husband says, the more they get the chance of troubling u.

I know its all the more difficult as they r coming to ur place soon. But pleaseeee dont make any extra efforts for them. U just take care of urself and ur daughter. AFter they come, even if ur husband tells u to do this or that, just say no. Even if he makes a scene in front of ur in-laws, be adamant and then only he'll come to know that u have changed and wont take it anymore. He has to know this. Just dont do anything extra for ur in-laws.

This is the only thing I can suggest for u abx. I too dont know what to do. Somehow ur husband should come to know that u r no more scared of them, then only it will start working. Well, let me know what happens. And once again wish u a happy birthday!

Bye and take care. I dont check this site during weekends when my husband is at home, so will check this site now on monday.

Hi tensed,
Thanks a lot for ur earlier reply and i will write in detail very soon. Before that i have to tell u something else. U know, today is my b'day and guess what in laws did. They send an e mail card to my husband and asked him to foraward it to my e mail id.
They very well know my email id and they are doing it purposely as if to ignore me. Who asked them for this sort of wishes, Instead they needn't have wished me at all. I would never have felt if they din't wish me.
U know last month was my mil's b'day and i called up that stupid lady and wished her a happy b'day at her age of 59. But that ungrateful lady din't have the courtesy to even call and wish me for a minute. U know they call up my hubby a thousand times everyday, for no important matters at all and just ask how are u? what are u doing etc etc.They are ready to call for unnecessary matters , but can''t call me today and wish me for a minute. Anyway even if she spoke to me, i wouldn't have talked much, as i am not at all interestd in talking to that lady. And u know what will happen, as if to please me, my hubby will call them this evening , and pass on the phone to me, and then for the sake of it my mil will wish me. And my husband will show as if his mom his mom loves me alot. See what sort of tricky people these parents and son are.
Now tensed. Please tell me how do i react to this. I am planning to just send a similar thanks card to her, without writing any dear mom, and stuff like that. Just a word of thanks and send it to them. Tell me what do u feel. I in fact don't even wish to send back a thanks card also for the sort of stupid wish they sent me.

See how wicked they are. They just need their son and their grnd daughter and are just trying to ignore me.When they don't need their dil why should they need the kid their dil gave birth to. My baby' is mine and they have no right on it. If its my hubby's b'day and my kid's b'day they call them up even if they are in india and make an isd call and wish them. But in spite of staying here in the u.s. they are not willing to make a local call and wish me. Then why the hell should i too wish them. U know whenever its his father or mother's b'day , my hubby calls them up and passes over the phone to me, expecting me too to wish them. But when they don't do the same, he never even questions them. How is it fair. then am i not a human being. How can my hubby be so unfair to me. Isn't it his responsibility to take care of his wife's respect as well. He never seems to be worried at all about all this. I really feel i have been cursed with this sort of a husband who never takes any interest in this sort of matters.
He just expects me to respect them in spite of all this nonsense. I am not at all interested in having them here shortly. See what sort of villians they are. Tensed please advice me how to react. I am waiting for ur reply.

Hi abx,

Now that ur in-laws r coming, u must not be feeling good at all. I can imagine that. I have that feeling now itself. How many months r they going to be with u guys? And when r u going to India? My husband is thinking of calling them somewhere around October-November. I want to get this over with very soon. I thought they will come in June-July and leave in 3-4 months but now its oct-nov. Few more months of tension for me. And my husband will now start spending money for them. First for the tickets, then for their shopping and visiting other places here, then when they r leaving, again he'll give them a huge amount. U know my in-laws have till now after marriage not yet given me a small gold ornament or anything. And whenever we r visiting them, they tell me to get this and get that for them. And when I'm in India they tell me to buy couple of sarees and gifts for my s-i-l's and they say its my duty. And my s-i-ls have till now not given me a single gift. Anyway, I dont expect anything from them. Now even if they give me anything, I wont even use it. I think I'll just throw it.

Even I have to make all changes when they come here. Now since I'm at home, I sleep till 8.00 or so in the mornings. But when they come I'll have to get up at 6.00 am like they get up. And sleep early at 9.30 at nights. I dont like to sleep so early. My in-laws dont even like watching TV and I like watching TV at nights when there r good serials and movies. Everything is going to stop once they come.

Your husbands behaviour is really not acceptable. He should not behave like this with his mom, atleast not in ur presence. And also u have to eat alone and all. I dont have any suggestions for this but I think u should speak to ur husband in all these matters once again before ur in-laws come. U should tell him that its not appropriate to behave with his mom in this manner, atleast not in front of u. If at all he cant change in this regard tell him to be free with u too in front of his parents. Tell him that u all should have meals together, atleast for the sake of ur daughter so that she enjoys the company of everyone and enjoys her meals. Ur in-laws have been in US since long and they should atleast be modern in this regard and not come between u and ur husband.

Ur husband calls his parents every 10-15 days, will u believe if I say my husband calls them every week. Yes, every week. Earlier it was once in 15 days but now suddenly I dont know why, he's started calling them once in a week. Sometimes twice in a week. And so everytime he talks to them, they must be filling his mind with their rubbish talk like how they r not feeling well, they r having this and that problem, they r alone, etc. etc. Its as if they r the only parents in this world and they behave as if they r the only ones with all sorts of problems. And so I guess he suddenly made the decision of returning back. I think its been like a month since I spoke to them. Sometimes when I have a feeling that after talking to them my husband will tell me to talk to them, I just go to the bathroom and wait till he hangs up. Like u, even I use this method to avoid talking to them. Now-a-days my husband doesnt tell me every week to talk to them. I dont know whats going on between them.

About the job situation, if u get a GC, u can do any type of work. U can check the internet or papers for jobs in the local area. Like I've heard there r many jobs in the post office or local day care/school, maybe in any shopping centre too. So u can take up any type of job. Or one more best option would be for u to join a computer course (join a course which is in demand) and then find a job. If u do a course, u will get a job easily. I used to work in C, C++, etc when I was in India. I had even got an H1 from a consulting company but could not get a job as that time the market situation was very bad and I was looking for a job in our area itself. Now again I have started looking out for someone who will process my work visa and will try to get a job. I'll be happy if I can find a job atleast before my in-laws come. That will be so good for me. I have recently started learning driving.

I'll start planning for the baby next year I think. I dont want to conceive right now because I want to try for a job if possible. Even if I get it for 6 months its okay. And also I dont want to be in a pregnant state when my in-laws come. Imagine the tension I'll be having and it will be bad for the baby. And my cunning in-laws will try to stay more if I'm pregnant, they'll tell my husband that they want to take care of me and all rubbish and I dont want that to happen. So as soon as they leave from here, I'll start planning for our baby. I dont want them to be around me when I'm pregnant.

Abx, I suggest u do a 6 month computer course and then u will get a job easily. Or since u r going to India for 3 months, try to do a crash course in India (it takes a month or so) and then start looking out for a job here. Let me know if u want any more details / help in this matter. I think taking up a job is important if ur in-laws keep on visiting u in this manner.

Rest all is fine. Will wait for ur reply. Bye and take care
Tensed

hI TENSED,
oNCE AGAIN SORRY for replying late.Like u even i feel there's nothing interesting in life now as the date of my in laws' arrival is fast approaching, they are coming on 30th of this month.U know, all our routine will change when they come, when we wake up my mil will make coffee for my husband saying, until i am here let me feed my son , and she will tell me, make ur (mine)coffee ur self. As if i am expecting her help. She will never even allow both of us to eat together. She will tell me let my son eat with us today, and will pull her son in each and every routine. And my husband also will act as if i am nothing to him and run behind his mom early in the morning. U won't believe the way he talks to his mom. He will say" Good morning honey how are u, Did u sleep well and hug her as if she were his wife and my mil also will blush like a stupid. Isn't it rubbish to behave like this in front of me. U know i feel so bad when he does all this rubbish, and when it comes to me, he will keep distance from me and behave as if i am nothing atall. so much that he will never even sit near me on the sofa and go and sleep on his mother's lap. That stupid witch will enjoy all this. U know , i just feel like yelling at them and ask them to stop all this rubbish in front of me. So u can very well undertand what sort of life its going to be for the next few days. How do i make them stop all this rubbish. How can i tell them about it, if i say something, my husband will shout at me in front of his parents and i will lose my self respect in front of them, which i don't want to. AFter all every mother has given birth to her son, but i have never seen this sort of possesivenes, and show off in front of others. I really hate those scenes.How do i overcome all this, Please give me some suggstions if any,

then how's ur life. Any changes so far, i don't think ur hubby would change,If i were i ur position i too would feel like staying back in u;s. after sending back ur hubby to india. But i don't think its practically possible, because u will feel very lonely here, if he is away. Why should we girls suffer so much to after all to lead our own personal lifes. I don't understand. If these men can't live without their parents., why should they marry first of all.As u said we should look for a job once we get our gc. By the way are u professionally qualified, what sort of jobs are u looking for, were u working before ur marriage. U know in my case the greatest drawback is that i have no work experience, as i got married very early at the age of 22 and hence couldn't go to work. then i conceived and went back to india, and then we were stuck in migrating to canada. and now i need to take care of my baby. So if at all i take up any job big or small the first drawback is that i don't have any experience. Give me any suggestions in this reg. Somtimes i even think of doing some internet business, but i would like to know about similar people working like this, to have a better knowledge. I am a commerce graduate, with a pg diploma in computer application. What sort of jobs would u like to take up., Just let me know.

And before that try for a baby and conceive as early as possible, as this would help u a bit in staying back in the u.s. itself. Lets see if something good happens with both of us.
U know now that my in laws are here u in the u.s. they are expecting my hubby to call them up everyday, and even my hubby is doing it religiously as if it were his duty. Even one day he dosen't call them, they immediately call our house, asking their son, are u okay son, what happened. Isn't all this show off,they Just do this just to dominate in our life, they want updates of our family matters everyday, and can't sleep without knowing it. why the hell should they interfere in our family matters. And the most dutiful son does it everyday, and also asks me to talk, Sometimes i just slip away saying, i am going to have my shower etc etc to avoid any stupid conversation with my mil. Don't u think this is too much. How often does ur hubbys call up india. U know our isd bill shoots up whenever my in laws are in india. My husband calls them once in 10-14 days, which is too much. Isn;'t it enough if he calls them once a mth. and then he comes and tell me, that he has too many expenses these months and is fed up paying the bills. He must know what is necessary and what is unnecessary and act accordingly. First of all he should reduce the expenses n isd, how can i tell him that. ANd to top it all he shows all his frustations on me and yells at me saying, i spent so much and made these expenses, which is rubbish, because i never do unnecessary shopping atll., and that's why i take him along with me, when we go shopping. God save me,I am really fed up with sort of life, This sort of husband and this sort of in laws, The only thing making me survive is the innocent face of my darling baby girl. Nothing else seems to be interesting. Please tell me tensed, what can i do. I am really fed up.
By the way when are ur in laws coming, try to somehow convince ur husband slowly about staying back, there are 2 more yrs and who knows something good might also happen. All the best and reply soon.

Hi abx,

Thanks for ur reply. Yeah, once my baby is 1.5 yr or so, I'll put him/her in a day care. Lets hope my husband agrees for a day care in bombay to. I can just wait and see.

Things r the same. I dont have any excitement left in me now. U know sometimes whenever I think about the situation, I want to be like the bold woman who takes her own decisions. I feel that after 2 years our GC might come and then I should just stay here (with a GC I can do any type of work here) and let my husband go to India and and let him come back again in 1-2 years. But then I think this decision might not be right. Even if my husband agrees, it will put a big gap between both of us and will spoil our relation. What do u think? Will it be okay for me to stay here with my kid and do some type of work (provided we get our GC) and let my husband go to India? I dont know if I will be able to stay here all alone without my husband as I dont have much knowledge about all this stuff. I dont know what decision to take. I am just not ready to go back to my in-laws. I dont know what to do. Hey abx, what would u have done in my situation?

Hey, about u, yeah, once u go to US ur in-laws wont leave u'll alone. Maybe once ur daughter starts going to school, u can tell ur husband that u dont want to go to US now as u will have to change ur kids school, etc. But wherever u r, once u get ur GC, try getting some type of work so that u become independent. And also when ur in-laws come u wont have to be with them at home the whole day, atleast u'll be busy in ur work and once u come back from work, u can spend all ur time with ur daughter. I think the in-laws have the advantage when the d-i-l is not working, they think she is dependent so they can treat her like anything. But once we start working and be independent, maybe they will shut themselves up. Even if they dont, atleast we wont have to see them the whole day. So try to get some work after ur get ur GC. All the best.

Bye for now. Waiting for ur reply.

Hi tensed,
Sorry for replying late. I read ur message, and glad that ur hubby has atleast made a few changes like going closer to ur parents place. That's really a welcome decision. As u said, its really difficult to change these hubby's decision. But anyways, u still have some more time left for going back, and before that even miracles can take place. Lets see if time changes his decision. If u have ur baby now , things might change. U KNOW when these dads see their kids growing up in a hifi atmosphere, they become too proud of themselves. And hopefully at least that should change his decision of going back. My advice, is that u should have ur baby as soon as possible, so that he dosen't change his mind once again about going back next year itself. After ur kid is about 1 or 1.5 start sending him to a part time day care, ur hubby will see the changes in ur kid's daily routine, as it will get into some discipline and he/she will intereact with the other kids and learn to speak and play etc. So once he starts seeing all these changes in the baby , he might also decide to put ur baby in a day care when u go to bombay.
And as u said, u can just remain silent for a while and see how things work. REg my details, i have a 3 and half year old daughter and she goes to the day care(half days). My native is madras. Both my in laws and parents are in madras. But my parents' house is very very far away from my inlaws, so iam not as fortunate as u. It takes a 2 hr drive to my house.And as i told u earlier ,as my in laws are right now in the u.s. hopefully i should be spending the full time with my parents and my sis, brother etc. I haveplenty of other reltives also in madras. Right now i stay in canada, and we'll be applying for our gc within the next 2 mths. But after that my huby wants to go to the u.s. and settle there. But i am not much interested in that idea as, my in laws have the gc for the u.s. and u can imagine what will happen. They will come over and spend their maximum time, ill treating me and that's the worst thing that could happen to me. My hubby's other 2 brothers are in the u.s. Since canada has a lot of snow fall and too much of winter , my in laws can't stay for long and hence will pack up their bags soon , as they can't take this tough weather. In one way its good for me, because i don't have to see their faces, for 8 -10mths. That's the main reason i want to stay back in some snowfall region. But i don't know what my husband will decide. My life is also similar to urs, and no decision is taken by me. The worst part is that my in laws have their gc and any moment they will decide to come and live with us once and for all. That's my biggest worry. I pray the almighty that nothing like that should happen. Well tensed, write soon and keep in touch regularly as we can vent out our feelings and keep consoling each other. bye. Write soon

Hi abx,

Yes, he's still stubborn about going back to India. His decision will not change, come what may. Well, he made a few changes in that decision though. That night again he wanted to discuss the issue with me and now he has said that okay, we'll not go back next year but after one more year, that is after 2 years in 2004. And that is FINAL!. He says he'll apply for a GC right now (GC just for the sake of getting one more year's extension as his visa is expiring next year) and we'll plan for a baby in 2-3 months, so that by next year we'll have a baby. And then after one year we have to go back to India. So this year, maybe in one or two months time his parents will come. And next year for my delivery my parents can come.

Even if the tourist visa is for 6 months, he still wants to go back to India. So theres nothing I can do about it. I have to accept my fate now. He also suggested one more good thing for my sake. He said after going to Bombay we can take a house in a place near my parents. That is from that place, my parents house will be just 15 mnts. drive. And there is a school nearby where we will take a house and I had been to that school itself. So I was very happy to know that he's decided that for me because atleast I'll be very close to my parents and that means the world to me. Okay, if I have to give up U.S to be near my parents, then its okay, I'm happy. What else to do. Of course, his parents will be there under the same roof with us and will made me mad. But atleast I'll be able to see my parents almost everyday and that will relieve me of all the pains which I will have to undergo.

He's also told me that once we go back to India, we will again come to US in another 3-4 years and stay here for 3-4 years. So basically it means he wants to spend 3-4 years in India, again 3-4 years out here (for my happiness) and then finally in India never to come back here again. So what can I do. I have to anyway accept the decision. I know that if I still make a big issue and fight with him regarding this, then his decision of taking up a place near my parents will also be gone. So atleast for that sake I'm quiet now.

As far as keeping the kids in a creche, I dont think any of the tricks will work. I'm positive. He knows very well that I don't like his parents at all, so whatever excuse I make for keeping our kids in a creche, he will know its just an excuse so that I dont get to keep them with his parents. So it will never work. But if I'm close to my parents, then atleast I can see to it that they get to spend equal time with my parents too. Anyway, I'll be discussing all these conditions with him before leaving for India. But not now, only when the time comes. So this is it. This is my life.

Its not that I dont want to go back to india, I love it over there because out there atleast I can go out on my own and have my friends and relatives, but its just that I wanted to stay here for another 5-6 years until a second baby. And then I was prepared to go back to India forever. But this 2 years thing is very sudden and shocking for me. But my husband is ready to compromise with me just to make sure that I agree to go to India with him happily, so I think I should just accept all that and think of this as my fate. Of course, I'll keep on trying my best to delay going to India as much as possible. Lets see how much it works.

What about you. Have u guys got ur GC? When did u come to US? Are u'll planning to stay here forever? Where r u from, in India? Do u have kids? Ur in-laws r coming at the end of this month. Be cool and dont take much tension. I know its not easy, I am also going to have the same bad experience in two-three months when my in-laws come. But I think we both can just keep on comforting each other. Do keep writing and let me know whats going on at ur end.

Hi tensed,
Glad that ur husband has patched up with u.What what about his decision. Is he still stubborn about going back. By the way nicemom also lives in the u/s and she tells me that there is not much problem with visa these days. She says older people are given a 6mths entry now and and hence bringing them over here for a longer while is not a problem. Why don't u ask ur hubby to discuss about this with the immigration. Worth giving it a try isn't it, so that u needn't have to leave. But i understand convincing ur husband is a big job, But just let him know about it. It might help.

Moreover nicemom says there are plenty of day cares in bombay ,as many moms work there and hence put their kids in a creche. May be u can tell ur hubby that u wish to have ur kid near ur work place itself so that u can go and visit him/her frequently. I know its not that easy to convince ur husband, But just try out all these things. By the way when are ur in laws coming. I don't understand why they have to come now, when u guys are going back to india next year. How mean of them. See to it that u somehow struggle hard and stay back here. My in laws are expected in the end of July and i am already totally irritated about it.U know, my fil booked up his tickets in the costliest airways and is telling my hubby that its just 100 dollars more, as if it were so cool. They always think they deserve the best of all comforts , when when it comes to me, they think i deserve the worst. How mean they are. I don't at all feel like looking at their faces, but what can i do. Like my fil asked me can i ask them" why are u coming, how long will u stay etc." Just imagine.My hubby is all in full spirits to see his beloved (deceiving!!!) parents.
REally tensed like u even i feel, why is it that some girls like us are cursed with such bad in laws. What only is going to be the ultimate solution for all this. WEll write to me soon. bye

Hi abx,

Thanks for ur concern. Yesterday morning my husband had left in an angry mood and said he wont come for lunch but he came. In my heart I was very happy because I feel sick whenever there is tension between both of us. I dont like it when we both dont talk to each other. I asked him lovingly that he was supposed to go out for lunch, then why did he come home, he said that he knew I wont have lunch if he didnt come. We ate together and that time in a cool manner he himself started saying that after going to India in one year, we will come back again after 3-4 years. But I dont know, I told him that here the job situation has become so bad, so how can he be sure that we can come back again after 3-4 years. Now-a-days they have even reduced the new H1's. He said thats not a big problem, he can come. I dont understand anything.

During our argument day before yesterday I had removed the topic of bringing his parents to US instead of us going back. But he said that now the visa is issued for only one month and if at all they extend it, it will be for just 3 months, so anyway after 3 months they'll have to go back and they'll also feel bored here. In one - two months anyway they r coming. But he wants us to be in India. So even that trick actually failed. He knows very well that parents dont like it over here.

U said I should keep my baby in a creche once I start working. In this section I've read a lot that many of them put their kids in creche rather than leaving them with their in-laws. But I dont think that happens in Bombay. We r from bombay and there everyone leaves their kids with their in-laws. My husband will NEVER ever agree that I put our kids in a creche. He will see to it that his parents get the chance of being with our kids as they will feel bored during the day when we both go to work. He will never allow me to keep them in a creche. NEVER. I know my husband and his affection towards his family very well. I can guarantee and say. So in that also I dont have any choice. If at all I fight and tell him that I want to keep them in a creche, he will tell me that even he has a right in deciding where to keep our kids and when his parents r there, why to leave them with someone else. What will I say then ??? He will be right that time, isnt it. He too has a right to decide about the kids, so what will I say to him????

Yeah, like u said, anyway I will put all my conditions before him if he wants to go to India. I wont tell him about that now because now I dont want to remove that topic anymore. I'm tired of fighting for my rights. Let him do what he wants to do. If I have to be in India then let it be so but I'll put my conditions before him that time. I dont know if he'll agree to it, lets see.

God, I really hate my in-laws like anything. Our luck is so bad, isnt it abx, that we have to suffer like this. I have so many friends here whose husbands are so devoted to their wives and they have decided to settle down here, sometimes I feel jealous. How come some people have all the luck in the world and some have none! What have we done to deserve such a type of life?

hi tensed,
Very sad to read ur message. I really pity u but really don't undertand what to say. But why don't u try out one thing. Tell ur husband that u would bring them on and off to the u.s. rather than u going back to india. May be they can spend few mths or even majority of time with u(i know its the worst thing that can happen with us but still there' no other go)rather than u bothgoing back to india. Tell him its the same even if they come here, and show him some rosy picture tht ur kids can grow up well if they are born and brought up here. Try ur best in doing this. But i don't know what ur husband would say. Because these men are their parents's boys and always happily let off their wives, and i don't think these sort of men would ever change, but whenever we get an opportunity we must make him understand.urs now is indeed a major problem now, and i feel really very sorry for u. had i been in ur position even i would have done the same as u did. Why on earth do these husbands behave like this.Its such a difficult job to tackle them. Let it take any number of days, but u just be firm in what u say and tell ur husband to bring them to u.s. and u would not like it the other way. Ur in laws are too much, they need money from u and everything and now they don't what u guys to stays here. Its totally unfair on their part. I really hate ur in laws too. These people are crazy.

And if at all ur husband insists tht u go back to india, put him all these conditions":
1. u should have the freedom of going over and meeting ur friends and relatives, whenever u fell, and neither he nor ur in laws should stop u from doing that.
2. They should not ill treat u any more and if at all they do so u would bring it to ur husband and he for sure has to do something about all this rather than just say forget and forgive(oh! i hate when i hear these words) how long can we alone keep sacrificing.
3. Tell him that his parents should not try and dominate ur lives, and should give the liberty to do things as per ur wish.

And one more thing, if at all u have ur babies in india. See to it that u stay with them for a year or two until she/he is a bit grown up, and later on put them in a creche, when u take up a job. If u take up a job(whether big or small) it will help in a lot more ways, u can say u wish to put ur kids in a day care, rather than having them at home. Tell ur husband tht its not good for ur kids to stay back and sit idle and home( just put up a show that u don't want to bother ur in laws by asking them to care for ur kids) May be u can take a part time job and then get them back home, so tht even ur in laws won't have an opportunity of poisoning their minds.

Tell ur husband that u have had enough from them and u cannot tolerate it anymore, Tell him that if at all they ill treat u again , u guys will go over and establish as a seperate entity. Make it very clear to him tht he must support ur welfare in each and every aspect and see to it tht u are not ill treated. And only if he promises and really keeps up all this promise, will u go back with him to india
But don't say all this first itself, Let it take2 days or a week or even more for him to rethink about it. First of all see to it that u convince him to stay back here and bring his parents here. Obviously after living here for 5 mths, they will get bored and go back to india. Never show him that u have accepted the fact of going back to india. Let him first agree to stay back here. But even after weeks of pressurising, he dosen't change his decision, then u talk him abou the conditions of going back to india. And then let him decide, what he should.And keep me posted about ur welfare. All the best. I pray god for u. Reply soon.

Hi abx,

Ur life and my life are such coincidences. My husband and me too had a fight yesterday and till now we r not talking. We didnt even eat since yesterday evening. My husband didnt want to eat and when he doesnt eat I too cant eat. Even today morning while going to office he didnt have anything and told me he'll go out for lunch and wont come home. I too have decided not to have anything.

Yesterday during lunch we were talking and he just tells me that next year his visa is expiring, so he wants to go back to India. He has just taken this decision. Initially he used to always tell me that we will stay here for another 4-5 years but now his dad is calling him and so he wants to go. His parents r so selfish, they dont even ask what we want. See, he just took the decision for his parents. I couldnt keep quiet and we had a terrible argument. I wanted to have atleast 2 kids here as I want them to have US citizenship but see, for his parents he's ready to even sacrifice that. He's saying it doesnt matter, we'll have kids in India. He says that as far as we have money we can get all the facilities in India which we have here. I agree, its true, in a way even I'm homesick and would love to be in india where my parents will be there. But i dont want to go there because of my in-laws. He doesnt understand that. Inspite of my parents being in India, I wont be allowed to meet them as often as I need. I wont be allowed to do anything what I want. If I start working in India, our kids will be with his parents the whole time and they will make my kids listen to them and do whatever they feel is right. Who knows, they might even start putting in our kids mind that I'm bad and what not and one day they'll grow up thinking I'm a bad person. Also it will affect our kids whenever they'll see us both quarreling (and I know our quarreling will increase once we r in india). I dont want that to happen and I dont want them to be brought up in such an atmosphere. But he's adamant that he cant leave his parents alone anymore. And I started asking him that has he forgotten what his parents had done to me and he never supported me, he said that see in every family there r fights here and there but that doesnt mean he will leave them.

Since yesterday I am boiling with anger and am in so much tension. The thought of staying in India forever is making me mad. U know if I didnt have my parents, I would have died rather than staying with his parents. But I cant do that. As I had mentioned before, I had a love marriage, so already I have broken my parents heart once. Now If i do something, I dont know what will happen to them. Thats why I cant even do anything. After all this discussion, my husband just left. Today in the morning too I tried to talk to him and asked him how is it fair that he always gets angry on me when I tell the truth about his parents and never on his parents for what they did to me, again he said that he knows what they did was wrong but that doesnt mean they'll not change. If we stay with them for few years, they 'll understand and change. Can u believe this. When I ask him how he had the guts to marry me against their wishes and now he doest not any any guts to tell them what they did to me was wrong, he just keeps quiet. If he had no intention of supporting me after marriage, then why did he marry me, why didnt he marry as per his parents wishes. He fought with his parents to get married to me and now he's forgotten all that. He always calls me stubborn and that I never try to understand his parents. I dont know what to say. Does he expect me to be that d-i-l who just keeps quiet for anything her in-laws do. Because of such girls there r dowry deaths even today. I really blame those girls for keeping quiet because of which their in-laws go to the extent of killing them. In that way if I'm stubborn, then yes, I am stubborn, because I dont want to be that girl who dies in the hands of her in-laws. Am I wrong?

I am really fed up abx. I dont know what to do. One thing i know is that however I tell him, lovingly or by quarreling, we r going back to India next year forever. Nothings going to change that. My life will be hell over there staying under the same roof with his parents. Every person wants to think about his family first - about their kids but my husband wants to think about his parents first. Such men who think only about their parents should never get married. Why do they marry and destroy the girls life? They can forever just stay with their parents.

Here I'm not working. I'm on H4 and so cant do anything. I too dont have any ideas about starting a business. Actually without GC or a valid work visa, its not possible to do anything. So I'm also helpless like u. Atleast if I would have had some work, I would have kept my mind busy. But being at home alone the whole day, I just keep thinking about our fights and my in-laws and all that. I'm having a lot of tension.

Being in India if I want I can do whatever I wish. But that will be against my husbands wishes. If I want I can stop talking to my in-laws inspite of being under the same roof, but what will be the result of this? I wont be talking to my in-laws and do whatever I want and in turn my husband wont talk to me because of that and our relation will be just over. It will be like two people staying together but who dont love each other. I didnt marry for this. While marrying I had wonderful thoughts that we'll always be happy and have kids and there'll be no problems in our life. Never had I thought my life would take such a big turn.

Hi tensed,
i fully agree with what u say. These men are real hypocrits and show different colors at diff times. And as u said i too would love to stay back in my parents house, and not look at their faces, But its not that easy as u say. Guess what my husband says, "though they ask u not to come, u must give it some time and call them and visit after a couple of weeks. How far is it possible. Just like ur husband even my husband says forget it , how long will u keep saying the same thing.I really get frustrated when i hear this. After taking so much of shit from them why should we forget everythig. Then they will keep doing the same thing thro out their life and we must dance to their tune. This just means that we are their slaves and have no self esteem at all isn't. I feel so humiliated when i hear it from him.
More over my husband is so very egoistic that never will be say a sorry. He will, either say, yes i am bad or just say forget it, but never ever talked me in a soothing manner and feel for what he said,. I just expected that sort of a husband and he never has that quality at all. This weekend was totally screwed up and we never spoke to each other for 3 full days. I just asked him to help me out a bit with my baby's job and he refused saying i can't do it as u are a stay at home mom and only u have to do everything. How is it fair, does it mean i don't have any other work at all, I toil round the day taking care of the baby, but according to him that's not a job at all. I really felt so hurt. He talks as if i am a liability to him and as if i mean nothing to him. And whenever he gets angry he throws a fury of words, which i can never digest, Hence i just remained silent and did my job and never spoke to him. U know what he did. He ate all by himself and never even asked me whether i am eating or not. I felt so bad when he does all this. After all its only the wives at whom these men show their anger, and they expect us to forget all that they shouted at us. How far is it fair.At the end i dint patch up but just asked him few questions whether it was really fair on his part to have shouted for no fault of mine at all. He says i know i am an egoistic person, and whenvver i get angry i can't control my words and temper and hence i shout. Why don't u forget it. So after all these he expects me to just forget everything, but even then dosen't say a sorry. How egoistic!! I really feeel so bad when ever he does it. By the way tensed, are u working , if so where . Sometimes i think of even starting a small home business without much investment. Do u have any ideas about it. reply soon