Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi, found out abt. this site today itself and registered. I was relieved that now I will have friends with whom I can share my problems and have solutions. I have been married since 5 yrs, had a love (inter religious) marriage. My in-laws were totally against it but still we went ahead and married. We both love each other very much and r in US right now. Life with my in-laws is hell whenever I'm in India. U can imagine it being against their wishes, what I must be undergoing? I'm like a stranger in their house, cant go to meet friends, i've to sit alone when guests come, cant watch tv, the atmosphere is not at all free. They r very very orthodox and still follow the old tradition where they could do anything to the d-i-l and she would keep quiet. I infact keep quiet to whatever they do. Whenever i tell my husband abt. this he tells me to forget it and says slowly they'll change. But if they have not changed in so many years, how will they change. I'm really terrified when I think of the time when we'll settle down in India (which we might do so in 2-3 yrs). My husband being an only son has told me that he will never ever leave his parents alone. And whatever happens, i know he will never leave them. And I love him very much that I cant ever leave him, so I'll have to stay under the same roof with my in-laws. What will I do? It has come to such a stage that I just hate them and the hate is just in my heart, i cant do anything. My husband is too fond of them. We have arguments because of all this, otherwise we both love each other a lot.

My another concern now is that we r planning a baby very soon. I being a protestant christian want to bring up my baby as per my religion as I know that the mother plays the most important role in the life of a child but I'm really nervous discussing abt. this to my husband because I know he will never agree to it, JUST for the sake of his parents. What do u think is the right way to do? When couples have inter-religious marriages, what do they do about the religion of their children? If any of u were or r in such situation, please let me know what u did. How u handled it. I'll really be grateful. My health is being affected because of these problems. Friend replied. Hi Susan -

I have read the replies you have received and the answers you have provided. You are right, all in-laws are not kind and sweet some just don't when they should not get involved and they do and say things that hurt others, i.e. DIL, because they feel they have the right to.

The Hindu religion does not preach that a DIL is supposed to behave like this, a FIL and MIL are to behave like this. The Hindu culture and the customs derived from this culture state all this bullshit. Unfortunately the majority of the world turns a blind eye to this fact because we keep preaching and we as children always here that the Hindu religion says we should behave like this and that. The religion teaches us to respect our elders, Respecting them is one thing but bowing down to them because they feel as in-laws they have every right to tell you what to do is wrong!!

Susan - this child will belong to you and your husband not your in-laws. Granted you must give in somewhere and sometimes to avoid some arguments. Religion is not one of those.

My point to you is that the Hindu religion and the Hindu culture are two different and same things (if this makes any sense to you) It is very difficult to understand but you have to try.

Raise your child with both religions so he/she understands the religion of both parents. Stress the good points and the similarities. Because believe me all religions state the same thing. You are going to be that child's mother and noone can take that away from you unless you let them. If you stand strong with this always on your mind, believe me noone can get in the way of you raising your child the way you and your husband have agreed.

Please take one bit of advice - Do not have a child until you have all this settled with your husband. Make sure the two of you agree as to how you want your child raised, who are utltimate two people who will raise the child, what religion, language will be taught, etc. You don't want to deal with these issues when the child is born becuase it isn't fair to this little human being.

Good luck! Friend replied. Hi Susan -

I am sorry to hear that you are going through so much in your life. It must a difficult situation to live in all the time. First and foremost you have to become strong and stand up for your self respect. You and your husband are thinking of having a child and that is great, but do you know the roles of grandparents in the Indian Culture, especially those of the boys? If you have stayed quiet all along and remain to stay quiet going forward, your child be brought up the way your in-laws want. You have to first fight for your self respect. Why do you sit alone? Why do you not watch TV? Are the other's sitting alone or watching TV? Become strong and show your strength!

As for religion, every family is differnt. I have 3 friends who have inter-religion marriages. One friend, converted and has accepted her husband's faith and that is how they are raising their children. Another friend of my says that she is teaching her children both religions but b/c her husband isn't very religious he doesn't care. Another friend of my told her husband when they were engaged that the children will be brought up with her faith and culture not his. You see everyone is different and this is a topoic you have to have with your husband. If you want your child to be protestant you must stick with your belief but maybe you are ready to comprise. Just remember that when children are raised in an inter-religion marriage they become more confused because both parents practice different faiths and the child will see that and question it. So you will never really be teaching your child one religion unless one of doesn't practice your faith at all, which I don't see happening in your situation. I wish you luck and in this situation you may want to comprimise. Andrea replied. Dear Susan,

Firstly removed the mental block from your mind that in laws are bad, we tend to have mental block and we dont try and understand them, its a relationship and both parties have to compromise, secondly about having a baby, once you have a baby, you have to have your husbands surname, because the child will be confused otherwise,which happens in most cases and parents dont seem to know. I could give you an example, once your child need admission for school, there is a column called religion, what R U going to put, hindu or catholic, so think about it. Seconldy, things what you do the child should not suffer, he should not be ridiculed in school later, so take time and make a dicsission, he cannot have a hindu surname and a funny name attached or viceversa. at times you have to compromise before doing something wrong, because your child could suffer from a complexity later as he is growing. I am in no way trying to discourage you in any matter but making you see the other aspects of life. Thanks