Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi abx,

Just a day left. U must be all tensed up and nervous now. I am just hoping the days pass by soon for u. Will pray for u and will hope this time atleast there shouldnt be any misunderstanding between u and ur hubby because of them. Let us know what happens and keep us updated about it. Give me some tips if u come across any, i'll be needing them pretty soon. I was assuming that once ur in-laws come u might not be in touch for 15 days, but good to know u will continue chatting with us.

I too have the same problem as urs regarding food. Here I prepare food in the mornings and use it for the nights and sometimes the next day. But my in-laws want fresh food everytime of the day. They dont even touch the morning food at night. I too am just thinking that once they come I'll be in the kitchen the whole day, first breakfast, then lunch, then again snacks for the evening, then dinner. So much for them... I hate it. I dont even have kids or else atleast I would have been occupied with them. Even if I go for walks they will tag along with me. So wherever I go, they will be there. Even while going for shopping or anywhere else, we'll have to take them everywhere with us.

In one of ur earlier mail I had read that ur husband took a house for them in Madras out of the saved money. My husband did the same thing. Before marriage, whatever money he used to earn, each and every penny he used to send to them. I was shocked when I came to know that he hadnt saved a single amt. for himself. Shouldnt he be saving for his future family. His parents just want money and money. They r greedy for money. What r they going to do with such a lot of money at this age, i dont understand. Off late I've made my husband realise that he has to save for us too and so its atleast reduced a little bit now.

Well, anyway, keep mailing us about what happening at ur end. Dont go out of ur way to serve ur in-laws, just the necessary things r okay. We do like that, we go out of our way to make them happy and in turn get hurt. So dont do anything special for them. Let them know that now we r not so dumb and wont take any nonsense. All the best.

Hi nicemom, read ur replies too. U r very very lucky that ur husband realized that u take care of him more than his family. Everyone is not so lucky. My husband does not realize even now that his parents want only money from him. And since he is the only son, he feels its his duty to take care of them. Being an only son proves to be a big disadvantage. Of course, I agree with him in this regard, being an only son, he cant just leave them to be all alone while we enjoy out here. But only thing I want is his support in front of them. I am just waiting for the day when my husband will realise what his parents are. So just hoping in my heart that one day all will be well. I love my husband a lot and he too does. But only thing is he also loves his parents equally and he's like an old fashioned son where he thinks he has to listen to his parents for everything. So hoping that will change one day. Keep mailing and pray for me and abx. Bye

hi nicemom and tensed,
nicemom i saw ur message. Yeah. As u said, never do i feel like serving them after all this. But again, i can't do it as well. I feel so bad, about it. Now when they come, they follow a different routine of food habits. If its just me and my husband its much easier for me. I can just cook in the morning or afternoon whenever i feel like, and i can caarry it forward the next day for myself. But if they come, i have make both chawal and tiffin, and once again another tiffin in the night. SO bad no, i have to serve those people who have never done anything for me.

I am planning to just do the cooking for one and all in the morning, and leave the night tiffin part of it to my mil. How much can i toil in the kitchen for them. If they were equally good to me, i would have taken much more special care for them and treated them like vips, like i treat my other friends. But these ungrateful people. Oh my god, i never even feel like seeing their faces, but still i have to serve. But when she is at the other 2 son's place, she does everything there, right from cooking to, taking care of the baby. But in my case, its just the opposite, i have to take care of my baby and also take care of them. Highly irritating!!! i am planning to lessen atleast some of these works, by just slipping away to the park or swimming pool in the evening, making a bahana that i am enagaging my daughter. But i don't know how far its going to work out. Please give me some advice girls in all this. Somehow i want to stay away from them , at least a bit , so that i don't need to serve them , thro out the day.
Hi tensed, i wonder how u are going to manage ur in laws for 3 to 6 mths. At least if it were our parents, we would love to have them , as long as we want. But these ungrateful in laws. Oh my ,, i don't know when these people will have the common sense of not interefering in our lives. From next trip on wards even my in laws will stay for 6 mths or so. I wonder what's going to happen then. I really pity u tensed.
I will keep in touch daily with u girls even if they are here. Beause, that's the only interesting thing that i have in life now. may be i will catch u up in the afternoon or so. Anyways u can write in the morning. I'll reply back to u after i am done with my work, in the afternoon. So girls, please pray for my sake, that these flthy people shouldn't create any unpleasant scenes between me and my husband. Oh my god i am terrribly tensed and frustrated, as the day is nearing. Bye and write soon.

hi ,
hats off to you !! you are really great to even talk to your in-laws after so much has happened.
about the flat, then asking for money from the son, making you work, exploiting your paremts.....my my. i think i wouldn't be able to be even 1/2 as nice as you are trying to behave towards them. (atleast whatever natak you will be putting on).
my in-laws had done a few minor mistakes (which their son made then realise) and i can't forget them still, and i don't know how you are living with all this.
i feel bad to think that you will have to serve your mil & fil for 15 DAYS!!
do write whenevr you get a chance.
all the best.

Hi nicemom,

My hubby went to office to finish off some pending work, and hence got a chance to check this message board today. Well that's not the end of the dahej story.
After this dahej issue cropped up, i told my hubby in a polite manner about this when he called me up from singapore(he used to all me once a week from s'pore befor our wedding for all those "pyar ki baath"), and my hubby was shocked to hear it, and he said, he will talk to his parents about it, and i asked him not to question them about all this as this will only bring about mis understandings between me and his parents. He said yes to me but of course questioned his parents about (which i came to know only 1 yr after my wedding). At that time , he was very supportive to me, as i was going to be his nayi dulhan, and all men are sweet to their wives before wedding( i realise it only now)am i not correct nicemom. Until they get married to us , these guys are ready to do any sacrifices for us, but once we become thiers, they show their true colours and become mama's boys. And u know what my mil replied to my hubby for that dahej issue. It seems that lady told in a sarcastic manner," if her dad can
't afford, why should he say yes to it. Now that u feel tht we are bad parents, why don't u write a cheque for all its worth and throw it at his face. Can u imagine...... imagine the amount of venom she has in her mind. When i came to know about all this, there was no respect left in my mind for tht stupid lady. And since my hubby couldn't say all this to me, he just buried that matter, as if nothing happenned at all.

But u know, even today, what justification my dearest hubby gives for it. He is saying" its only u who are using all those mixie, grinder etc, and also all those precious jewellery. Is my mom , wearing all those jewels and showing off to others. No isn't it, Then why do u blame my parents for it. After all only u are using everything. And my parents asked for all this only with a good intention that their son needn't spend money on buying all this(i.e. our appliances." So indirecly he too is saying that what his parents did is not wrong.(arey vaah! kya baath hai na!!!!) He is saying, when ur parents did it for ur elder sister, why can't they do it for u. TEll me girls, what sort of reply can i give to a man who is so ignorant and indifferent. I came to understand that ther's no use talking into a deaf man's ears, as he will never listen to it. My hubby is deaf in this regard, and hence no use complaining to him. He gives only this sort of stupid replies.

And u know, i must tell u one more fact. My hubby had saved a lot of money when he worked in singapore, dubai and brunei , and u know what he did. He purchased a flat in madras for his parents worth 23 lakhs, and now only my in laws are enjoying that comfort, we are not using it at all. he has done so much for his parents, and still when they don't respect me, how can i respect them. Moreever since dubai's gold is good , he bought a lot of gold jewels for his beloved mom, and plenty of thick pattu sarees(only the costliest ones). But in spite of having so much for herself, that old women is not satisfied, and still is jealous of me, when he buys something for me. And u know what she did. Its a custom in our religion for the "bete wale's" to buy a gold ornament, and a good pattu saree for their bahu. U know what my mil did. She asked her son to send a few thousand dollars, and bought all those only from my husband's money. They didn't even have the good heart to buy it out of their own money for their bahu. See what sort of selfish and ungrateful people they are. My blood boils when i think of all this. And on top of this they want me to be a goddess to them, and want me to serve them whole heartedly.

Whenever i am in my in laws place, i help my mil in all the household chores, and also take care of my baby. But when the other dil's come ,the story is different, My elder dil sleeps in her room until 8.a.m. and just comes out cooly and says, ma can i have my coffee, and this old lady, serves coffee in her hands, like a servant, but with me....!!! And when i question about all this to my husband he happily says, tht u are a more responsible girl and my mom appreciates u for that. U are not like the other dil's, they are lazy girls. I very well know that his mom wouldn't have appreicated me and just he is trying to flatter me and please me for his own benefit.

And this time when they come too, i only should be doing everything for them, apart from taking care of my daughter. Life is going to be hell for the next 15 days without any time to rest, Oh my god, just 2 more days, left for their arrival. God save me. Bye girls and reply soon.

hi abx,
your story sounds so depressing !! 'dahej' and stuff like that is so cheap. i can't imagine getting married in such a family. why didn't you resist all this then. anyways, forget all that now. i was very head strong about the bullshit of dowry and all. my hubby's side have never ever or will evn dare to ask such requests. they know me very well. altho' as i was the only child my parents had a grand wedding for us. my in-laws were very impressed and this was the main reason my sil (bil's wife) is jealous of me. she is from a small town and used to just keep yapping of her house and things. my nature is to keep quiet and not show off, not riches, nor sorrows and complaints. she used to keep crbbing about my mil and the family, thats before i got married. after my marraige, she changed. she has never talked to me on one = one level.
we did all the rituals of giving saris and stuff like that and also we had a big 3 days functions. but this was entirely on my parents wishes and happiness. if once also, i would have heard that my in-laws asked for something, i think i would have given an ultimatum to hubby dear.

the first year of marraige, there are a few customs of give and take ,one follows. but i told my mom straight away, that if your daughter and son-inlaw are not there in india , why those traditions. so they gave NOTHING !! i just can't tolerate people who ask from the girl's parents. i mean we are educated, well qualified, smart enough as the men, then why give them anything.
abx, you have tolerated just too much. your main drawback is that you are at the moment totally dependent on your hubby, right? financially and emotionally (your child). i can understand. we are all that that stage of our relationships , that we are used to loving our hubby's no matter what. when i bitch like this way, i sit back and think, am i doing right? i feel guilty sometimes. hubby becomes a habit and it is very difficult to think otherwise. but abx, your hubby had threatened you with the ultimate too !! silly man. he doesn't know what he will loose. you sound (atleast from our month long friendship) that you are a sacrifising, compassionate and forgiving person. stay that way always and people will love you!!
write back

Hi nicemom and tensed,

Read both ur messages. I too was in the same situation as u both. U know actually, i was so good to them in the beginning. I used to call my mil twice a week and used to visit them twice a mth, and tht too before my wedding, just for the simple reason that my hubby requested me that his parents are very old, and they are very delighted now that they have a young girl like u as their dil and they are like u very mcuh. No doubt i too liked them in the beginning, and i did my best to them and believ me then it was not a natak and i did it whole heartedly. But somehow they slowly started taking advantage of this, thinking this girl, is innocent and will never object to anything and they can make me dance to their tunes. And slowly their demands started increasing, and once in a while they also used to throw some sarcastic comments abouts my parents, too which also i tolerated then, just because we both really loved each other and din't want any conflicts in our family. U wonb't believe, my hubby used to write 2 letters per week with so many romantic cards, and anybody who saw us, thought that it was a love marriage, because we were so loving. Anyways, i just saw my hubby two to three times before our engagement, and then he flew back to singapore. And so both of us could feel the distance between each other, as we could never even meet each other. Well my hubby came back after 5 mths and then we got married, and we went out for a week before our wedding, to know about each other. But he used to always talk only about his family , his brother, and his mom. Well i understood how close he is to his parents, and i respected his feelings as well. To that extent tht i used to tell my mil that they could join us at singapore , as soon as we got married. I was so broad minded then.

But u know things changed. Before our wedding, my fil used to call up my dad, and say i have some more additions to our "dahej" and used to keep on asking for something like an ultra grinder, mm foam bed, mixie, etc etc and the list kept growing. And my father was ready to do anything that they demanded, but i felt that my fil was demanding too much. In my hubby's presence he pretended to be an very decent person, like saying, do anything u wish, but once he left, he started demanding this and that. TEll me won't a girl feel bad, when her parents are being taxed like this. To be very frank my dad celeberated our wedding in a very grand manner, in fact he spent more than what he could afford, and still if they keep cribbing, won't i feel bad. But still my dad is a real noble hearted man, and never ever complained about all this to any one, just to keep me happy. I felt really bad, because, my hubby was earning so well and we could have bought all this stuff ourselves after our wedding, rather than taxing my dad.
This is just an example. And my mil always used to mock about this and that in the wedding, as if my dad din't do anything. And after her son got married, she grew so possessive, that she started talking in a very sarcastic manner with me. If my hubby bought any jewels for me, she used to envy me, but used to smile in front of her son. So my mind really got disturbed when i saw her behaviour. Moreever whenever i used to talk to them , my fil never used to talk back to me, and my mil used to talk only a few words, and hence i got irritated, and told my hubby that even i don't want to talk to them, when they are so indifferent. And only after this, all that tug or war took place, about which i told u in detail.

So , i had never hurted their mind in any ways, its only they who started all this, and till date, though i talk well, my mil always only mocks about this and that. I have come to know tht she can't come out of it, and hence cut down my conversation with her. U know even after all these ill treatments, i used to tell my hubby tht i have forgotten about everything, and if at all something happens to his parents(illhealth), i will volunteer to take care of them, whole heartedly. But in spite of sacrificing so much, when ur hubby say,my parents are great, how can i help it. But, uy hubby dosen't have a very good rapport with both his brothers, due to many conflicts,. Now he has come to such a stage that he calls them only to wish them on the occasions,or a new year, etc etc. so much is the distance, and if at all something is needed, he just sends them e mails. So he has understood well about his brother's selfishness and i have no complaints about it. But my problem is only about his attitude to his parents. I don't even mind if he calls them at india twice a mth, but our life changes so much when they come over to the u.s. He calls them everyday, and talks only stupid matters, like how are u , what are u doing, etc etc, and i really get fed up when he gives so much of importance to them in our daily routine. And even if he fails to call them for a day, my in laws will call him, asking what happeneed etc etc. That is where i get wild, u know they just enquire about him and their "pothi", but his mom never bothers to ask a word about her bahu and that's what really irritates,me
I tried everything but nothing seems to change him,So now i just stopped telling him anything.

yesterday i asked him to call them so tht i too have a word with my mil. He said, its okay, we'll call them tommorrow,coz its a weekend, so i am just following the advices u gave me and what my mom told me. My mom keeps on telling, me even if they insult u, u treat them well. That is good for u only, and u will be benefited out of it. So i give respect to her words and hence decided to just remain silent. So girls tell me have i not sacrificed too much for this man, Ther's nothing more i can do for him. Well i;ll stop here catch u up on monday. Oh my god, monday is so fast approaching, The villians will be here on tuesday, days fly so fast., As the days, are nearing, the more uneasy and tensed i am feeling.
U know actually we had plans of going to the ontario place this weekend, but my husband seems to make some excuses, to avoid it, just because he wants to make it only after his parents's arrival. Looks like he has too many plans for his parents. I am just trying to be silent and not showing any reaction at all to all his bahaviour.

Well nicemom, did u see my message on the other board.
bye girls and write soon.
Well girls bye and write soon.

hi TENSED,
i understand exactly how you must be feeling, when your hubby reacts like that , even after having a love marraige. i was in the same situation a few years back. actually all thro' my courtship period, my hubby (then bf) gave me lot of importance bot ,his parents and family was always one point more . so i knew that i had to win him towards me somehow. you must have read my msg to abx in this board. he used to blindly do things for his brother and sisters and parents without expecting anything at all from their side. my parents were not much for the marraige b'coz of this. but i dated my hubby for so many years and thinking of life without him was very depressing. tho' i tried it. thats the time my hubby (bf) came to the usa. we both found that we could live without eachother. i came here to meet him and within a year he came down to india and we decided for a wedding. i knew that god has given me a golden opportunity to get away from my in-laws. i knew that i had to somehow keep us from going back to india. his mother kept crying on the phone , etc but i had to be as sweet as possible to both sides.
my first year was terrible. we used to fight over small things which didn't even involve us. it was just b'coz he kept doing parents and family family. life changed after my hubby met with a accident. he was operated and thats the time he saw who cared really. WIFE or FAMILY in india!! i did everything i could. (thats the time i really got independent in the usa) . i informed his brother just once and they didn't bother to keep asking about it at all. soon hubby got the picture and my life changed. ever since then my hubby reacts only how much is needed towards them. unlike you girls' huubies, my hubby calls once in a month, can you imagine!! sometimes forgets that too. but i keep saying that don't give anybody a chance to complain. i don't say cut off from people there. after all they are family, so do your part of duty, nothing EXTRA !! what do you say, tensed? we don't have to be rude to them, if they are good, you be good. when i go to india, my mil takes good care of me. (b'coz my hubby commands respect). can you imagine, my mil doesn't evn tell me to work.
i stay just for 4-5 days with my in-laws and the other 3 weeks with my mom. moreover, i can't stay in a joint family . but i keep calling my mil from my mom's place and they also do the same. my sil (hubby's sis) keep good relation with me, so i also do the same. but the bhabhi is khadoos. somehow she is jealous of me.

so my advise to you would be the same as i keep telling abx. be sweet to get your way. i'm lucky that my hubby is very supportive and good. i think your hubby is also the same, that s what i understand. how come you couldn't get him to do what you say? anyways, sometimes agreeing to what hubby decides pays off later in life. like in your case, you can move closer to your parents atleast.
hey, just to let you know, devdas is nothing khaas yaar!! its ok. i saw it yesterday. i expected a lot more.
bye for now, keep writing

Regarding the US citizenship for kids, yes, I might get them here for higher education. Thats why I wont change it even though we would be in India.

U r lucky to have a supporting husband. A supportive husband is the backbone of the family. If the husband is supportive, in-laws dont have the courage to illtreat the dil. U have said that u stayed just for 9 days with ur in-laws after marriage. After that have u never been to India? If yes, then how many days did u stay? U said ur mom keeps on visiting u here, so dont ur in-laws visit? Are ur in-laws alone in India or anyone else with them?
I too love my husband very much and he is very sweet but only thing I dont like is the way he is towards his parents. Whenever they r bad towards me he will console me and agree that they did a wrong thing but only thing is that he will never tell his parents that u shouldnt have done that to her. He says he loves his parents a lot and does not want to hurt them. He tells me to forget all the incidences and forgive them. If he does not tell them and does not show them that he supports me fully, then how will they change and how will they stop harassing me. I too had dated my husband a long time before marriage but that time I never knew about his closeness with his parents. In fact, there was hardly any topic of his parents. He was so keen on marrying me even against his parents wishes that I never thought that after marriage it would change suddenly. After marriage he started telling me that he had already hurt his parents by marrying against their wishes, so he does not want to hurt them further, thats why I should just forget and forgive. They will realise it one day. But how can I just forget what they have done to me. I cant tell u all the incidences but every single day there was something or the other. Started right from the next day of our marriage. But that time I thought okay, they must be angry about the marriage, so its okay. I was there for just 10-15 days after marriage, so I kept quiet to whatever they did to me. But it has not stopped even now. Everytime we go to India and stay with them, life's hell for me. They dont even let me stay with my parents properly. Whatever chance of harrassing me that they missed for one-two years, they take it all in 10-15 days of out visit to India. Till how long do they expect me to keep quiet? I too am a person and get hurt. I too have feelings. They will always do as if they r the only parents in the world. They'll always keep on cribbing to my husband that they r alone and not well, when r u coming back to India, etc. Because of this my husband decided to return back soon. Everyone around knows their nature. Even their two son-in-laws are not in talking terms with them. The sil's r the same. Keep on poking their noses in between. Thats why my husband and me have arguments because I feel he does not support me. He will always say that he has supported me. He says that supporting does not mean that he will yell his parents. Okay, I have never told him to yell at his parents, that is totally not agreeable. I too have parents and I know that we have to respect our parents. I have just told him to atleast tell his parents firmly that now I'm his wife and they should accept me, now since we both r married and they should not illtreat me. Thats it. How hard is that. When he could marry me against their wishes, why cant he tell them firmly about the treatment they give me. My in-laws want to interefere in all our matters which I dont like. So this is whats going on in my life. What should I do? My husband is firm in one thing, that he will never ever leave his parents. He is stubborn in this regards. And I just dread to live with them. Now if they come here to stay with us for 3-6 months, I dont know how I'm going to manage. My husband is deciding to call them either the end of this year or the beginning of next year. Do u have any suggestions how to deal with them??? It will be helpful to me.
Thanks nicemom, was nice talking to u. Bye.

hi abx & tensed,
you were both missing yesterday!! anyways, for right now life is just great. everythings going smooth, touch wood!!
tensed, read your reply, and agree to some things and dis-agree to some. but as you said, we must respect eachother's opinions and view points. just one more question on that topic....you said you wanted to have kids here in the US for us citizenship...why so? just for the higher education or ..? if you go back to india will you maintain the us citizenship or change? b'coz in india, education for any other citizenship holder is more expensive. when my daughter was born here, i immediately got her passport (american) b'coz i was in no 2 minds at all. what are you going to do?
when are you expecting your in-laws? actually i don't know your entire situation but tell me...is the fights b'coz you were not their choice or just their nature? even mine is a love marraige, but luckily i had a supportive hubby. i dated him for 8 yrs before we got married. i had to wait so lonf for marraige b'coz he had a sis and my bil who had to get married before him. so by then i was used to my in-laws!! i knew exactly how to behave and mould . but i shldn't bitch unneccessarily. i must say that i have no complains for hubby dear and also mil. i stayed exactly for 9 days with them !!
yesterday i saw 'shaheed' just wanted to compare it with 'bhagat singh' ajay devgan one. it was totally filmy. the ajay devgan one was great. do you get the new movies easily? i don't think i'll be able to see devdas for another 15 days!!
HI ABX, you must have read my reply in the other board. basically right now you are in the other kind of 'waiting game' !! i hope you are gearing up all your energy.
bye for now

Hi tensed and nicemom,
TEnsed, i am glad to see ur reply. So i am now glad that u are mentally prepared to accept ur husband's decision whole heartedly. Well, if u are mentally prepard to face everything , then there can't be any hindrance in your way at all.

By the way, my mil din';t call me up after that. But i know his dad must have called up my hubby at office,. That day after my bil's incident my hubby said, that his mom will be calling me. Well even i wanted to watch and see if she does it, but she din't( i knew very well that she won't call me up voluntarily), and hence i am just giving it some more time to wait and see.Yesterday i had gone to my friends place and reached home only in the evning. Anyway i'll see my hubby's mood today or tommorrow, and ask him to call his mom in the evening. If not, i am sure he will call up atleast this weekend, so i can talk to her then. All that i need to ask her is just formality question like " maa ji are au all set to leave, are u done with ur packing etc etc. So i;ll do it within the next 2-3 days. Atleast my hubby would be aware that his mom din't call me up after the promise. Well let things be just like that. I have decided not to show any reaction as per all ur advices. Let me just be patient and do the needful. Oh my god! its 25th now and just another 5 mor days for their arrival. I really feel so sick. Just wiating for august 13th (their date of departure, and till then just keep doing natak. .
Nicemom, i'll catch u up in the other board.
bye and write soon. bye

Hi abx and nicemom,

Read ur replies. Abx, u r like me. Even u want to go to India after sometime but ur husband does not want to. Atleast in this case I'm lucky that my husband and me agree that we'll find happiness in India. I have prepared myself for the day when I'll be there forever. Cant keep on whining and cribbing, isnt it. I'll just think that everything happens for the best. No one knows the future. So we can just hope for the best to happen. Whats happening regarding ur in-laws. Did u speak to ur mil? Has ur husband changed atleast a little bit towards u? My in-laws will be here anytime this year. I dont know how I'm going to deal with them. I've never got a chance of staying with them for more than a month, but 3-6 months, I think I'll be a lunatic by the time they leave. Anyway, let me know from ur side.

Nicemom, I agree with u with whatever u have said. I had also argued with my husband about the lazy system in India. I agree with u. The phone system, electric, etc. out here cannot even be compared to the system that we have in India. There r many disadvantages in India but to get something u have to sacrifice something Isnt it. So even though I will always hate that in India, there r few things which I will always appreciate that I miss here and will never get over here. Life isnt just about money and comforts, right. I agree we should have everything but for me to a certain limit is enough. I know we dont have a house in our names but that was the reason we came here. After 1-2 years we will have saved enough for our kids education, also to buy house in India and other comforts. Plus with US exp we can get a good job with excellent salary. Few of my husbands friends who had to unfortunately return to India r getting a handsome salary which will allow them to have all the comforts they need. And also there is a much better chance of promotions out there. Here in US only those Indians in very high positions have a chance for promotions. 80-90% of the Indians here just keep on moving jobs without any prospects for a promotion. Here people work just for money whereas in India they work for money as well as to keep getting promotions.
U r also absolutely true that here a 12th std. kid will be much more bold and confident than the kids in India. I truly appreciate that quality out here and my husband and me both have decided to bring up our kids in that way. We have learnt few good qualities out here which we will try to follow in India. In India parents treat their kids like small babies even if they r big. Here the parents start keeping the babies in their own rooms from day one plus they eat on their own, do everything by themselves. In India its not so. That is what we have learnt and will follow out there. Whenever I see my friends feeding their kids who r in 2nd-3rd grade, I cant believe it and sometimes even get angry, these parents just cant leave their old indian traditions. Inspite of staying here, they still dont let the kids eat on their own. So being in India, I will bring up my kid in a more mature level. Also here the kids wait to have company so that they can play. They dont play outside nor can be free with the neighbouring kids like in India. In India I love that the kids can play with their friends and neighbours everyday in the evenings. Here whenever we go to our friends house who have kids, the kids immediately bring their games and start playing with us because here the kids have to play just among their siblings or with their parents or only during weekends when they might go to any friends house and they just play on computers or board games. But in India ur kid can go to a neighbours house anytime she wants and play. I will of course prove them with the latest games like videogames, computers, etc. but apart from that they will have a chance to play outside like how they play cricket, etc. in india. Being in India the kids r in touch with all the family members like aunts, uncles, cousins etc etc. but being here they lose touch with them. They meet them just once in a while when we visit India. Family closeness is totally deleted staying here.
About the courtship culture in India, yeah, I've seen the couples in bandstand and all those hi-fi areas. But I sincerely believe that those r spoilt kids of rich parents or parents who r so involved in themselves that they dont even care whats going on with their children. I will do my best to bring up my kids in a way that they will not do any wrong things but rest all is luck & our fate. U cannot say anything what our future holds. Being here I will be 100% scared about all such things but being in India I will be worried just 50%.
Anyway, nicemom, I think we both will just keep arguing in this matter. So I'll stop here and will respect each others opinions and decisions. Maybe if there would have been no kids, then I might have stayed here sacrificing few things about india like the festivals, family, etc. but for the kids I'll sacrifice my comforts out here and be in India. I admire u for having courage and confidence that u will be able to bring up ur kid in a good manner. I guess I dont have that much courage or confidence. I'll better bring up my kid in India and then when she/he is accostomed with our culture, I'll send them here for higher education. Once they r big then its up to them. I will have fulfilled my duty and then they will have to decide if they want to do jobs here or settle down here. I wont have any problem with that as they will be of the new generation and I want them to take care of themselves and decide what is right for them.
My God, such a big reply. Well, will put a stop here. What else is going on at ur end? Did u see any other new movies. We will be getting Devdas cassette this weekend, am eager to watch it. Its going super-hit in India.
Bye then and take care.

hi,
i read your note for me and glad to know about you life style and that you want to be in india. i hope the follwing msg does not sound offending but i want to let you knwo that i know that there many facilites and comforts available in b'bay. i come from one of the poshest locality in south bombay and even i have tasted all the comforts like a/c, cars,gadgets, discos,etc. when i lived there.moreover i am the only child . but tell me tensed , how much of all these things is earned and owned enitrely by you or your hubby . i'm sure more than half of this is the hardwork of your fil or father.
i'm very proud to say that the house with a pool that i own today is mine and so are my cars, etc. I'M NOT BLOWING MY HORN AT ALL!! but i do feel that when we work for our comforts, they feel better. i'm sure that if i had to work in india for my OWN big house and other things, it would take me ages to get.
try to get any official work done in india and compare it with the system here. i'm sure you have got many such procedures done here. for my fil's death certificate , we had to bribe the man on the desk, so that we get it soon and we could get back to the U>S. and carry on our lives. here, we get it in 2 days. actually one day.
in bombay , if your telephone is not working, you keep calling mtnl and begging the line men. have you ever faced such mal-functioning here. little things count. i don't think i can live without a phone line for a day in the usa.
about the eduaction, this is the ONLY point i agree with you on. i agree that the eduaction level in india is much better than the standards here. thats why the doctors there are clinically better performing tham here. they have better diagnosis knowledge.
but my question to you is, then why do the same docs come here to practice their proffession? why is it that a 12th grad uate here, is more confident to face the world than a 12th passed in india. we still think than a 12th passed is a kid till the time he/she doesn't finish college. here people start a life on thier own at this age.
about the teenager behavior in bombay....have you seen band-stand in the evening. couples are stuck to eachother as if there is no tommorrow. i mean doen't that look pathetic to you? we are taught from childhood that sex is not the right thing, leave alone sex...i mean dating, having boys as friend,tec. thats why when a adolesent or teenager gets a opportunity to come close to the opposite sex, they get too involved. i don't say the life of the young teenagers are better here at all. i totally agree that we will have to take care of our kids more, so that they don't drift away to such things. but it would be wrong to say that this is less in india. here, at least , they have their parents to support them in times of need. (preg) but india, it is so difficult to deal with something like that. its friends of very understanding and open minded parents.
i would love to keep debating about this topic ,but i think you have got my points by now.

hi abx,
so the trick did work,ah!! i tell you, you have to be smart and play the game. think for yourself and your daughter . if you have your hubby towards you, nothing can upset the family life. just keep the oldies happy and also hubby by playing right and things will be in your favor. good job!!
you were absolutely right by telling your hubby not to interfer in his brother's life.thats true. let them tackle their issues. thats what i do. you never know who comes in need and when.
do write about the other improvements,bye for now

Hi tensed,
Glad to see ur quick response. Hope things would be atleast slightly better with me hereafter.
By the way, i am glad that u are now mentally prepared to accept ur hubby's decision. That's a good sign. u sound a lot more optimistic now and ieally appreciate u for it. I hope ur in laws would understand ur worth at least then and treat u well.

By the way when are they planning to visit u . I understand how difficult it would be for u to have them for 3-6 mths. I understand what sort of a tough time u would be having. In my case, its only this time that they are coming on a short visit. My fil says to my hubby that next them they are going to land only in our house and stay for much more longer. I wonder how long! God save me.
When i read ur previous message, even i grew homesick, becasue, even i cry a lot whenever i leave my parents, and return back only with a heavy heart, and even i would love to go back to india after 8 yrs. But my hubbby wants to get the gc and wants to stay either in canada or u.s. and he says, he wants to stay here and earn some more money and will go back to india only when he is 50-55. But sometimes when i am really worried about my daughter , he says, the day ur daughter starts insulting ur words and my words, we all will pack our bags to india.

uare right in saying that kids find it difficult to adapt to indian atmosphere after 10 yrs or so, but i don't know what's really going to happen with me. Atleast now i am optimistic that my daughter won't get spoiled. I really don't understand what's going to happen in future. When i think of india even my face enlightens, becausee i have everybody, my parents, brother,and sister and they too would love to have me there. But...i don't know what 's going to happen. But i am sure my hubby won't return in the near future.

But in one way its good, beause i don't have to live with my in laws, when i think of the upbringing of my daughte even i am worried. And the saddest thing, is that my hubby has never sponsored my parent's trip even once so far, and hence i too feel bad when he invites just his paretns, and don't think of my parents. Hope for the best. Write soon.

Hey abx,

What a twist of events in ur life. That was great to hear about ur hubby and also about ur mil (good she had to take all that trouble herself - ur bil's should have taken more time to return home... ha ha). Atleast ur hubby accepted the fact that his dad dotes on his other brothers more than him inspite of ur hubby doing everything for his dad. Thats the start yaar. And it was very very intelligent of u to keep quiet when he said that. I hope atleast henceforth he will realise his mistakes and understand ur worth. Well, I guess this natak thing is working. Keep on continuing it and show that ur care for ur mil and fil. I think now ur hubby will realise whenever ur mil illtreats u. He got a good lesson. So all the best. And let me know.

Hi nicemom, read ur reply. Well, regarding the comforts here and in India, since we r from Bombay and its a very developed place, I dont find much difference overall. We have a AC in our flat out there and we r also thinking of taking two cars. Of course, there is pollution and other stuff but comfort wise bombay has developed acc. to US life. There we get the latest clothes, kitchen items, etc. We have all types of entertainment too like bowling, beaches, snorkelling, etc. So maybe thats why I like it more over there. And education wise, u must be knowing that the education in India (spc.bombay) is the best. Here even in 1st-2nd grade the kids learn abc and there its much more ahead. Of course, higher education is good out here. We r thinking of later on sending our kids here for higher education. I agree distance makes the heart grow more fonder but I miss my parents more than anyone can imagine. When I'm in India with them, I dont feel like coming back and always cry while returning. U r lucky, ur parents keep on coming here. Thats not the case with me. My parents have not yet come here, I'll be calling them hopefully during my delivery. So I guess, people staying in places other than bombay feel that way. Regarding the culture for the kids, maybe I'm wrong. Its just that I had seen cases like that and so I dont want it to happen with us. I agree, even in bombay its common but its not free so we dont come to know. But its not 100% like this country. There are very less cases in bombay. Anyway, all the best to u guys. My husband has made up his mind to go back, so nothing can change it. And anyway, even my mind is made up not to settle here. I hope I can find the same lifestyle & happiness in Bombay too.
Thanks for the papsmear advise. Its scary thinking about it but I have to go for it. Yes, humraaz is interesting, suspense movie. Do watch it. Not seen devdas, I too am eager to watch it. U must be enjoying with the indian channels at home, we have not taken any of those channels.
Bye and will write later. Thanks for ur advice.

Hi tensed and nicemom,
Saw all the messages, u guys have written so far. So now its great that we all are coming closer in this board and also learning a lot by sharing our experinces. Its really wonderful to have good friends like u .So now we all know very well about each other's family,and can share much more without any hesitation. Good job, and i wish our friendship lasts forever
Now i want to give u some good news. U know after i read all ur suggestions(including worried's advice, did u see it), i decided to do some natak like my mil in front of husband as if i really love her a lot. So yesterday i was making myself prepared to put up that show and treid to bring it on my face. Well after he had his coffee i said, we have to do a bit of shopping, and before that..., and before even i finished, my hubby himself said, oh! i must call my dad, he left a message for me at office. So things happened smoothly without my efforts at all, And i too acted very sweet in front of him saying, oh ya! please do so, and even i want to talk to amma. U can imagine, my hubby was in the air, paanv zameen par nahi tha. So as usual he was jubiliantly talking to his dad, saying how are u my dear etcetc..(bullshit, i was cursing him in my mind. but.din't react as per all ur advices..)
when he spoke to his dad he learnt something bad(but i was excited)., u know what happenened. It seems my bil and co sis left their 6 mth old daughter with my mil for baby sitting, and both of them happily went out to inspect their house which is being constructed. Their house is likely to be handed over by the end of next mth. And it seems that house is very far, and it will take them more than 3 hrs to return, and so till then my mil must take care of their child. The kid was crying like hell, to sleep and my mil couldn't manage her(but i felt very sorry for that little baby.) So atleast now my mil must have learnt a lesson, as to who is a better and responsible dil, me or she. U know when i stayed with them for 6mths, i used to take care of my baby and also helped my mil in kitchen , and other shopping stuff. But i am sure the other 2 dil's wouldn't have helped her like me. So my mil just does an ayah job in their house, like baby sitting and cooking, but in spite of all this my in laws were always accusing me.Atleast now i am glad that god has taught them a lesson. So i couldn't talk to her yesterday. And it seems she told my husband that she will call us tommorrow.
My hubby was wild at his brother and shouted at his dad, saying "do these people have any commonsense. How can they leave their child just like that with u both oldies at this age. Dosen't he have any commonsense. What job does that lady have with her house construction. Can't she see it later. She is stupid etc etc.." And then he told me that he is going to write a nasty e mail to his brother about him being irresponsible about his child, and leaving her with his old parents. But i stopped him from doing that. Am i not right girls. How can we interfere in my bil's family matters. If he says "who are u to interefere in my fam,ily affairs, where will my hubby hide his face. Isn't it stupid to write to him like that. My hubby says, he dosen't care even if his brother yells at him, but atleast by doing so, he won't repeat the same thing once again.

So now do u get the true picture of my husband , and how much he loves his paretns. They are the parents to my bil , as well but my bil is self centered and gives more respect to his wife and asks his mom to do all the work, but in spite of having done so much, my hubby has been accusing me so far. Another thing, u know, my fil who shouts at me constantly for everything, never shouts a word at his other dil. If i had done the same thing yesterday, my fil would have made it a big issue, but just because, its the other dil , he just remained silent and also is asking my hubby not to shout at them. Dekho naa. kaise hain ye log.

then i don't know what went into my hubby's brain, and he siad, my dad always supports only his younger son, and is hesitating so much to shout at him. If the same mistake was done by me, then this would have been blown up as a big issue. I was happy that he learnt the fact atleast after so many years. And hence i din't tell him anything. I just gave a proud smile at him and said, okay come on lets go shopping. But i of course told him that what my bil did was wrong, and told him that if atall she wished to accompany him, she must have taken her baby along with her , rather than leaving her with my mil. U can imagine how happy my foolish hubby was yesterday. (in fact i was happy that my mil suffered and learnt a lesson and told to myself, hey u witch, u deserve it. . But put up a show in front of my dear hubby, as if i was too concerned about them. Girls, i would say surely GOD IS THERE AND HE WILL PUNISH PEOPLE FOR THEIR BAD DEEDS. I am sure u girls will be very happy for me. EAgerly looking forward to ur reply. And tensed i will give u the recipes later, and will discuss about the culture part of it later. Write soon both of u. bye

hi tensed,
nice to know that you read my board . so now we know eachother a little better!!
regarding me settling in the u.s. ....yes, we do miss some of the festivals we celebrated in india, but i prefer my life here. first of all i don't have to stay in a joint family and secondly, the confort we get here, i don't think i could be happier in india. my parents keep coming off and on here (every 6 mths) and my hubby, touch wood, doesn't have a problem with that at all. also i believe that love grows with distance. like i have a wonderfull rapport with my sil s and and ok one with my mil. we just meet everyone whenever we go for a vaction to india, so at that time everyone acts sweet and we don't get to see eachother's bad sides. thats good!! i know many indians here say that the culture, lifestyle etc is so bad and i miss india and stuff like that. but tensed, to be very frank, i don't agree to them one bit. this country has given me a lifestyle i could never get in india. it would take me atleast another 10yrs to get there. here if you are good , you get your worth. no bureaucracy, evrything is straight.(atleast apparently). about the kids, it wholly depends on how you bring about your child and what kind of control you have on the child. i have seen excellent kids (abcd) here. they talk and walk with the american lifestyle but they are so cultured and know exactly their limits. whats right and wrong. who says teenagers don't date and kiss in bombay (india). i read that you are from bombay,right? i'm sure you are familiar with life there. everything happens but in the dark. thats the only difference. so i think we would have faced the same problem there as here. so i stick to my thinking that 'its how we mould our child'.
its nice to know that you are planning for a baby next year. you must have the paps done before you'll start off. this is a procedure conducted my the ob/gyn in the office. you lay down and the doc puts a scope (don't know the medical term) through your vagina and with the help f a cotton swab gets a scrape of the inner wall of the vagina and cervix. i prefer to shave and go as it feels clean. but i'm sure there may be many women who may not follow this. so don't let that bother you. this is not painful. but if this is your first time, may be the passing of the scope may cause you uneasy ness. the doc will be using a gel so....also this may cause a little bleeding sometime. but on the whole, its worth it. atleast you start clean for the baby.
MOVIES !! i wanted to see 'humraaz' but couldn't get the dvd. is it good? suspence thriller? have you tried seeing 'devdas'. i heard its real good. actually i get to see glimpses of the movies as i have 5-6 indian channels on tv. we have our own dish and we get it through dish network. like zee,tvasia,sony,zeegold and 2 more. so you see ,why i don't miss india much !!
so tensed, are you basically from the west course of india? it is very difficult to say when one satys in bombay, as it has a cosmopolitan pop.
write back when you get a chance

Hi abx,

I read all the messages in 'Waiting to try'. Good to know u r in touch with nicemom too everyday, it really helps to have friends in such times. Nicemom, thanks for ur advice regarding the tourist visa issue. Well, u must have already ready my reply. My husband is bent on returning back to India after 2 years. Not that I want to settle down here. I too intend to go back but I wanted to stay here for another 5-6 years and have 2 kids. Well, its okay now since my husband has compromised. He's ready to take a house near my parents place, so atleast in that way I'll be near my parents. My parents are the world to me.

Abx and nicemom, U both r settling down here but do u really enjoy out here as much as in India. I mean dont u'll miss the festivals and other things like going to the markets, etc. I miss all of those, hence I had never intended settling here. Here I am at home the whole day and theres no enjoyment at all. Just check the net and watch TV. Of course, there r a lot of disadvantages now in India but still overall I think my enjoyment and fun is just in India. There I have my family, close friends and I can do whatever I want to. But staying here is the best way to get away from in-laws. U both r fortunate in this regard.

I also want to comment on one more thing. I hope u both wont take it in a bad way. Abx, in the 'waiting to try' section I read ur concern regarding ur daughter when she grows up. U r concerned as here the culture is totally different. That is the most imp. reason why I had never intended of settling down here. I have seen cases out here. One of my close friends are here from many years and her daughter is now in the 10th but u wont believe the way she behaves. Her mother now regrets it. She has already started dating. In another family too, the kid hardly speaks to her parents. She does whatever she wants. Her parents cant stop her at all. I know we say its upto us to bring up our kids but I think their friends and school play the most important part in their life. They will ultimately want to do what their friends r doing. Here dating, kissing, even having sex is not at all bad even for a 14 year old. How hard we bring up our kids acc. to our culture, it will be difficult. Once the kids reach 4th - 5th grade, then it becomes almost impossible to take them to India forever as they wont like it over there. Reading ur message, abx, I feel that u want ur child to be brought up according to our culture. But if u want to settle down here, then u have to be mentally prepared and u have to know that kissing, dating, et. is common thing. U said that if ur daughter tries to adapt to this american culture, then u will pack ur bags and go to India, but it will be very difficult once ur daughter grows up. Anyway, I dont intend to make u nervous or scared, just that I have seen cases like that and u have to be mentally prepared in that manner if u want to settle here. Hope u dont take it in a bad way and dont be mad at me.

Abx, ur countdown has begun, isnt it. But anways, ur in-laws will be with u only till mid of aug, right, so just 15 days. I think its still okay. Think about me, they will be here for 3 months (6 months too if thats the new visa). So I cant even imagine what I'll be doing. I am just hoping to get a job very soon before they come, then atleast I'll be busy.

Hey, wanted to ask u one more personal thing. How is the pap-smear test? I have never done it but have to go for it as I'll be planning for a baby next year. Is it painful? I'm scared about it. Can you give me some advise on it. And do we have to shave there????

Hey, saw that u'll share inf. about movies too. So just wanted to share with u that we recently saw 'Humraaz'. Its a nice and interesting story, do watch it. Hey abx, also pass on some good south Indian recipes like sambhar, rasam, etc. My husband loves it. I often make idlis, dosas, etc.

Okay then will write tomorrow. Bye.

Hi nicemom and tensed,
My sincere thanks to both of u for ur advice.
Nicemom, i agree fully to what u say, but u know, one thing , how much ever i try to please my mil, she will never ever get flattered, instead she will find another new way to complain, but yes by doing so i can please my hubby.

May be today or tommorrow, i will put up a show asking him to call up his parents in the evening, as if i were really interested in talking to them. Let me first try it, if he still remains silent and dosen't do so i will call those stupid people myself.If i call him in his absence, my mil won't say everything in detail and throw a comment saying "Ah, she called after a long while and that's it."

The only thing i am unable to digest is his sudden change in behaviour before even one week of their arrival. He used to talk all blah blah even in the morning and bore me so much,.. but now , he is just saying yes and no's to what i say. can the parents' arrival change a person even so much! i just can't believe my eyes. U know sometimes, i just feel like crying, i feel as if i am losing my dear hubby, but i know its not that's easy. I will keep u posted of the improvements. Thank u once again. bye.keep writing.

Hi abx,

I agree with ur mom and nicemom. If u want ur husband to call them from home, then maybe u have to take some initiative. Call ur in-laws urself and talk to them. Tell them u couldnt talk to them for a while as u were busy or some excuse. Also when ur husband is at home, tell him 'lets call mom/dad (i.e ur in-laws) as its been a long time since u guys spoke. Tell ur hubby that he's not spoken to them since few days and so u would like him to speak to them and also u would urself like to speak to them. Pretend as if u dont know that he's calling from his office, so he feels that u r thinking that he's not spoken to them from a while. He might feel guilty and start calling from home itself lest u again notice something fishy. So I think he will stop calling from the office.

Its the same situation at my home and I am happy with it. Of course, I know my husband does not complain or speak ill of me to my in-laws. As I mentioned earlier, I was very angry with them for their behaviour in India and so I have now stopped talking to them everytime. So now-a-days my husband calls them from the office and I dont mind it. In fact I'm happy because if he calls from home, then I am nervous thinking that he might force me to talk to them. When he forces me lovingly to talk to them, then I have to talk because I dont want to hurt him. I dont want to know what they talk, of course, I know my husband will never ever talk ill of me behind my back. May be thats the reason I dont mind it. Its been almost more than a month since I spoke to them.

Anyway, let me know how it works. Bye. will write later.