Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi abx,
Happy dassehra to you and fly.
Things r okay here. Didnt speak to in-laws recently. Maybe next week or so I'll have to talk. Hubby might give me the phone. I'll just say hi. Hey, did ur husband send a reply to ur brother. If not, then hope u will do it. Like friend said, atleast u send ur brother a reply. And I dont think u should inform ur husband about this. I mean he calls his parents from office, he doesnt even tell u, so why shd u inform each and everything. Just send a card to ur brother. How is ur moving preparation going on? U must be very busy packing all ur things. Are u urself doing the packing or will the movers be doing everything? Abx, if u r still not comfortable with the fact that ur hubby calls from office, then do have a talk with him. U have the right to know whats going on. He should not do anything behind ur back. So once again tell him firmly to call from home and u will talk to them. Maybe finally he'll give in and listen to u. Let me know what happens. Well, this is all from my side. Bye.

Hi abx,

saw your replies. Glad to know that you were thinking of sending a card for your brother anyway. As per the other issue, I very well agree with you on the decision on not talking to your in-laws by calling all by yourself. You don't have to. Well, if your husband thinks that you should, then he shouldn't be calling on your back. (I mean from work). Don't we all take vows during our wedding that there will not be any secrets in between husband and wife and will share everything?! But, your husband doesn't seem to follow that. It's ok if it's one in a while, that he has to talk something urgent like that. But not everyday from work and then expect you to talk too!!@!* Anyway, What you are doing is correct abx!. Just say 'hi' or 'hello' once in a while to your in-laws. After all these incidents that's all they deserve any way.

Hi tensed,
Good that u r going to try my tips. How r things at ur end, now. Did u speak to ur in laws after that. I still din't talk to them yet. Somehow i don't feel like calling them at all. Why can't my hubby call them from home and pass it over tome. I am just waiting to see if that happens. if not may be i'lll call them up for diwali and just say a hai. That's all that too i don't feel like at all. And my hubby still din't reply to my brother. Somtimes i feel like asking my hubby why he isn't calling up his parents from nhome, but again when i think of the big quarrel, be will have, i don't feel like dicussing it at all. I am in a confused state of mind. And moreever we are moving to the new house, i want our life to be paceful there, and don't wish to get into any quarrel at this time. After all its for the benefit of our family. But still i aam not able to digest what he is doing. i relly don't understand what to do.
How is ur job doing. Any chances of ur project being extended. Write soon. bye

hi friend,
I saw ur dupliated message here. I had replied to u ealier message on the topmost page(just above ur message), hope u saw it. I just wanted to let u know about u. keep in touch bye, and keep giving me ur valuable suggestions, bye

Hi abx,
I just read your recent messages to tensed and I found that you are thinking of waiting on your husband to see whether he sends a reply card to your Brother for the invitation he has sent. Also, you had mentioned that if he doesn't you are not going to ask him or remind him about that. Well, that's OK, abx. But, how about you sending a card with your husband and your kid's names in it along with yours?! Will your husband say anything if you do such thing? Of course you are going to send the card only after showing that to him. Say something nice like I know you were really busy. so, I just went ahead and bought this card for us to send. What do you think? Is it nice? something like that... to let him aware of the whole thing.

The reason for me writing this is, you had mentioned that your brother is such a wonderful person. If that's case, why do you want to punish your brother for your own personel problems. I mean, do whatever you should do to keep the other family members (especially the good people) happy and then we have always time to talk and resolve our own problems thru out our entire life.

Hope I didn't hurt your feelings or anything. Just a friendly thought. Good Luck!

Hi abx,
Your tips will surely help me when my in-laws come. Thanks a lot for the tips. I will try to follow it. rEgarding the car issue, I dont think I'll be able to do anything abt that. I know if I want I can be firm and sit in front, but I know that my husband will not like it and tell me that since they have come here for the first time, let dad sit. So he will make me go back and that will be humiliating. So I'll let him decide. I have decided not to say anything. Let me see if he has feelings and once in a while if he or in-laws tell me to sit in front. If not, I'll just keep on sitting at the back with mil. Later on even if anytime we have arguments, atleast I can remind him how he never even once told me to sit in front. Then he wont be able to say anything. If voluntarily my husband or in-laws tell me to sit in front, I'll accept it instantly. Then its okay. I dont mind them sitting in front once in a while but not everyday till they are here. So I want to see if they have any feelings about this. And another reason why I dont want to just sit in front the whole time is because I dont want that to happen when my parents come. I mean, when my parents come, I will want my dad or mom to sit in front once in a while and now if I do such a thing, then that time also I will have to sit in front everytime or else hubby will say that when his parents came I didnt let them sit in front and now when my parents have come, I am telling them always to sit in front. So I have to think about that too. Husbands are very smart in these matters, they will keep on reminding us that when my parents came u did not do this and that but now when ur parents are here, u r doing this and that. So I dont want to give him that chance.
About their staying here, they'll be here till the time they can, I mean they'll utilise all of the time. If they get the visa for 6 months, then they'll be here for 6 months. I think beyond 6 months no one gets visa, is it true? Do u have any idea about it? My friend told me that max. is 6 months in a year. So atleast I know it wont go beyond that hopefully.
My job is getting over by next week or maybe another week after that. I am going to try for other jobs but the market is bad now. I am already trying for another one but did not get a single call for interview since year ending is going on. So I dont think this year now there'll be any more jobs for me. I'll have to try next year once new year and all festivals are over. Bad luck for me!
Other tips are also very good, yes, definitely I'm not going to change my schedule for them. In fact, I had already decided to tell my husband few days before they come, that I dont intend to change my schedule for them. Atleast that he has to agree. I'll tell him that in our own house they should not stop us from watching tv or whatever schedule we follow. If they dont want to watch, then fine, they can go and sleep, I dont mind. Let them not interfere in our lives. Thats the only thing I want. We eat non-veg but they have stopped eating it now. So I wont take it that they stop me from cooking non-veg. I am not going to force them to eat what they dont like, in the same way they should not stop me from eating whatever I like. All that I'm going to finalise with my husband before they come, so that later on there's no problem. I'm ready to do a few compromises here and there but not entirely as to how they want. That I will never agree. So lets see what happens. Hoping for the best.
Bye till then and will write later. take care.

Hi tensed,
Good to see ur express reply. So sorry to hear that ur project is coming to end, so does it mean, u won't be working here after. How long are they planning to retain u in ur office. I sincerely pray god, that they must retain u atleast as long as ur laws stay with u.. How long are the villians planning to stay with u guys.
And yes i told u that i'll give ur somtips right. I won't call it tips, but i did all these things while my in laws were here.
1. u remember the car thing, i was telling u, i;ll be sitting at the back seat. But i managed to catch hold of my seat. Actually many days before their arrival , i started hinting to my hubby that my back pain is increasing, and can't sit in the back seat at all( i manageed to get the message across to him), and so from the very first day of their arrival, i went before everybody and sat in the front seat.funny isn't it, i know i was behaving silly, but if i left tht opportunity , then my mil will sit near my hubby and talk all blh blah with him, and my hubby won't even bother to talk to me. So that's what i am telling u tensed. DOn't worry about the consequences and just go right away and sit in the front seat. just don't bother what they would think, and all, just go ahead and do as u please. Of course my mil tried complaining saying, i don't have enough place in ur car, especailly with the baby in the back seat. Oh i am not able to sit and all.But i just paid a deaf ear to it, as if i never listened.. AFter all i could see that my mil was sitting comfortably without any problem. but still kept on hinting to her son, that this car isn't spacious enough at the back etc etc. I know my hubby would have been more than delighted to have his mom, with him, but i just din't bother to get up. U know what she did at last. When we went out for some site seeing trips, she went and sat in our frined' car, and told my hubby that she is very comfortable, and i gave a triumphant smile to myself. That lady thought this would make her son annoyed and make him jumpon me , but somehow i managed to tackle the situation.

I know all these are silly matters, tensed but this is how, they slowly manage to bring a distace between both of us.
2. i was very sweet to them in front of my hubby and also took them out to various places(of course i was cursing them within.
3.if u won't be working when they come, try ur best aand finish up all the housebold chores ur self and don't allow ur mil to give u any sort of hep. this way they will get bored and plan to leave earlier, saying we are getting bored here.
4. Don't change ur routing under any circumstances, after all its ur own house. if u have the habit of watching tv until late night , keep doing it even after they come, let them know that u do not wish to change ur selves, for their sake.
5. try to be good to them but at the same time don't bow too much to their demands.
6. if u feel that ur mil will rise a sensitive topic or something, just give some excuses amd slip away from that spot
7. and most imp of all, never quarrel with ur hubby in front of them.Even if u are unhappy with something about what ur hubby does, just talk to him when u guys are alone, and try to show as much closeness as possible(i mean with ur hubby) in front of them.
So let them know that u r boss of the house, and don't ur mil dominate anything, either ur kitchen, or any other issues, and ur lifestyles.
don't talk much with them. In the afternoon, just go and lock ur self up in ur room ,and have a nice nap. And in the evening, try spending most of the times, going out for some shopping etc etc. i mean after ur hubby returns from office. This way u don't have to look at their faces for long.
I'll write to u more, as and when i rmember. Right now my daughter is awake and is troubling me. CAtch u up tommorrow. Also looking forward to ur reply very soon.
bye.

Hi abx,
U must be surprised at my reply so early. Actually whatever work was given to me has almost come to an end, only the testing & correction part is remaining, thats all, so I got time to write. Yeah, as u said, I will talk to them only if my husband gives me the phone. Voluntarily I too will never talk. I have tried that too before but still for them it didnt matter, so now I never call them myself. Earlier whenever festivals or their birthdays used to come during weekdays, my hubby used to call from office and I used to call them myself from home just to wish them, but still they never appreciated it. They never called me or wished me even for my birthday. Till now, they have never sent me a birthday card or anything. So I have also stopped calling them voluntarily. Even if its a festival, I dont call them now. If my calling them does not make any difference, why shd I waste my time. And abx, surely send me the tips which u have written about. I know they will help me a lot.
About ur situation, I think u should once again tell ur husband to stop calling from the office. Ask him directly that is there any secret going on between him and his parents. If he says no, then ask him that if theres nothing like that, then why does he call them from the office, call them from home and talk to them in front of u. And even u will get a chance to talk to them. See what he says. If he still does not listen, they maybe u have to get used to the fact that he's going to call them from office. But in one way it will be good, u wont have to talk to ur in-laws. And u have already made it clear to ur husband that u voluntarily wont call. If he wants u to talk to them, then he must call from home. If he doesnt, what can u do. Just dont talk to them.
Congratulations for shifting to Toronto to ur new house. Have u taken ur own house or is it in rental apt. I think long back u had written that u r taking ur own house? It must be nice to have ur own house. Even I feel so nice to have a own house. I had told my hubby abt it but he's not ready to listen. Says when we have to go from here, why to spend and take a house for 1-2 years. It will be waste of money. Anyway, thats right. If we r returning back, then whats the use of a big house and spending on new furniture, etc. We are thinking of buying a house in India next year, like 3-4 bedrooms and US style bathrooms, etc. We had seen a house 2 years back when we both had been to India, it was a very nice complex and they were still building it (the apt. blgs. r of 25 floors). They have all facilities like US, 3-4 bedrooms, even condo type houses, own school and they r also building their own society supermarket. They also have a huge park and jogging trail, gym, etc. So thinking about that apt. Lets see, if everything goes well, we might book it next year.
Okay then will write later. Bye and reply soon. Take care.

Hi tensed,
I am very glad to see ur reply , after a long long while. There are so many similarities in ur life and mine. Well that app issue was closed after that day, and even now i call him only tum in front of his friend. I have told him firmly that i will call him only like that ("tum) and can't change myself for the sake of others, and shouted at him nicely saying he is showing off too much these days, and blowing up simple issues. Then he himself, patched up and behaved well with me.
And reg the in laws thing. Its almost 3 mths since i spoke to them . I.e i told u na i once called up my mil after she reacehd u.s. And after that i spoke to her only once. I also told u that my hubby shoulted at me for that. I told him firmly that, if he wants me to talk to his parents, then he must call them from home. But he never did that so far, in spite of me telling tht, i know he is calling his parents only from his office, so even i don't care. I told him i am not stopping him from talking to his parents, but at the same tie, he shouldn't be expecting me to voluntarily call them up , and that too in his absense. I told him very firmly that i will talk to them only in his presence. Frankly tensed, if my hubby did that,(i.e. called them from home/) i would have surely talked to them. But now that he is still calling them from office i din;t volunteer to talk to them.If my hubby is so stubborn , why can't i be. AFter all i have nothing to talk to my i laws, as they have already visited us and gone away. So what's there for me to talk now. I am least bother3ed about when they are returning to india. So i don't want any news from their side as well.
But my trip to india, still stands. I will never cancel my trip. As u said this is a golden opportunity for me. But i have posponed my trip to 1st week of dec or jan, coz we are moving to toronto onthe 26th of this months, and hence i need at least a month to settle down in the new house. So now that we both are busy doing things for the new house, like packing , tidying etc etc. my hubby dosen;t find enough time to quarrel with me , and moreever he knows that if he quarrels with me, he will be the loser in the sense, i won't help him in any packing or anything, and just sit back and enjoy with my daughter. So at least for that , he is bahving well with me. So even exploiting the situation and giv ing myself a break.
And about the day care thing and india trip, he just said, taht out of anger, and immediately the next day he told me, that i can go to india,and blah bla. So atleast he realised his mistake. But just like ur case, neither of us said, sorry. In fact i expected a sorry from my hubby as he only yelled at me. But anyways what to do, tensed, if they realise their mistake and come to patch up, then i shouldn't be showing off too much isn't it. But anyways, my trip to india still sstands, most probably on the first week of dec.
And my brother bought a new house in madras, and hence sent my hubby an inviation in a very nice manner, and so yesterday, my hubby callled me and showed it to me.
And so i took advantage of the situation and told him nicely "please send back a reply card to my brother, but he never replied. Let's see what happens, AFte5r all my brother is a very nice person and has got nothing to do with all this qurrel. Let me see how my hubby treats him. Anyways, even if he dosen't send back a reply, i can't say much, as i know, my hubby will say that he is reataliating as i din't talk to his parents for so long. So i don't expect much from him.
And reg ur issue, its okay if u talk if ur hubby asks u to talk to them. If he himself gives u the phone, then just say a hello to them and talk for a min, and just pay a deaf ear to whatever they say. Don't complaint much about them, when u remain silent ur hubby himself will realise his mistake, and start supporting u, but if ur mil starts behaving bad with u, then bring it to ur hubby's notice. I will give u some more tips about it in my next message. Anyways u don't ask voluntarily forthe phone. , but if he gives it to u, just talk for the sake of it, In my case, my hubby dosen't give it to me voluntarily, that's my biggest problem. If he gave it to me, then i would have just spoken for a min (naam ke vaaste, and put it down). This calling from the office thing is only irriatating me, and hence, i am stubborn. Whtt do u say, tensed, what should i be doing. But our family life is peaceful now, after that incident/ My hubby also dosen't complain anythign, and even i jsut keep quite. okay tensed, i am finishing now and rest in next.
Awaiting ur early reply bye.

Hi abx,
I'm writing after long time. Sorry for the delay. I was busy with my work. Actually I get time to check PC once I come home but I feel very lazy and tired to switch on the pc after coming back from work. Everyday I think I have to reply to u and then in the evening I think, ok i'll do it tomorrow and next day again the same thing happens and so could not do it. Today being sunday, hubby is taking a nap, so thought of replying to u.
About adressing ur husband, yeah, I too address my husband like that. I dont say aap. I feel very awkward. And now-a-days who says aap. For me aap feels very formal, I like tu, tum, its more friendly. It was immature of ur hubby to make a issue about that small thing. And abx, I cant believe a man can talk about his child like that. I mean the way he told u that he will make ur life miserable and cancel ur trip to india, and that he will stop sending ur daughter to day care and no entertainment for her, etc, how could he say such things. I dont know how u tolerate him and keep patience (sorry but cant help saying this). But one thing was good that u were firm and did not cry or anything. Dont ever show him that u r weak. Let him understand that if he does not care for u, still u can take care of ur daughter without him. Show him that u can also be independent, u dont need him everytime for support. Whatever he says, take it cooly and dont show as if u r depending on him.
Even me & my husband had a fight few days back, same issue, about in-laws. He was telling me the same thing like what ur husband told u. He was telling me that I dont even talk to his parents, he doesnt understand why I do this. Why I cant forgive and forget. Really abx, in what way can I tell him that there r certain things in life which hurt too much and r not so easy to forget and forgive. Still he doesnt understand. He just wants his parents to be happy. He was telling me that u dont even talk to them, why should I tell u what is happening between us. I will do what I want. I said okay, do whatever u want. But I will never forget what they have done to me. Next day it was okay, no one said sorry, we jsut started speaking to each other. I didnt remove the topic again. Last week I spoke to them. My husband was talking to them, then he told them to hold and asked me if I'll speak, I said okay. What else to do abx. If I would have said no, then he will do anything without telling me. I wont even know whats going on between them. So I just spoke 1-2 words to them, thats it. Fil was like always, shouting and complaining to me, what happened, why didnt u talk to us from so long, u should know that u should speak to us everytime, blah blah.... I just said in a somewhat angry tone I was busy with my work and just gave the phone to my husband. I got so angry with him. I wanted to tell my husband that see even if I talk they complain, even if I dont talk, they complain, what should I do. But I just kept quiet, I didnt want another fight. The whole weekend would have been ruined. He sent his visa papers last week, they received it. They'll be going to the US consulate by next week I think. Just a few days for them to come here and make my life hell. And my project is also going to get over soon. There's a saying, all bad luck comes at once!
What abt u. Did u talk to ur in-laws after that? Does ur husband still call them from office. How is the situation with him now?
Hey, just a month left for u to go to India. U must be excited. And abx, dont feel bad about leaving ur husband alone. Dont. U have taken such a lot of shit, u deserve happiness. Dont go soft on him. He has hurt u so much, so just think it as a god sent opportunity to make him understand what u mean to him. Just go to India without any tension or fear.
Ok then I'll stop now. Will check for ur reply. Do reply. Bye.

Hey tensed,
Where r u. No news from u since long. Hope u r doing fine. Do write to me whenever u find time. Waiting for ur reply. bye

Hi tensed,
Glad to see ur message. It was just a while i told u that everything is going fine, and again my hubby picked up a stupid issue to quarrel. Actually i address him "tum" and thus even when we go outside i do the saem. All of a sudden this egoistic man asked me why should u call me tum in front of my friend. What's wrong. I hope even u use the same thing to call ur hubby. I got too angry and just told him that i don't want to be a hipocrit in front of others and say "aap"just for the sake of it, as i don't like that. Actually only this simple thing happnned. And he blew up the issue as usual and dragged his parents topics himself as usual. I said i don't wish to talk anything about his parnts. But he found fault in me saying "u don't call my mom at all, it's almost 3 weeks since u spoke to her, do u know that. U don't have a bit of respect for them. I really god mad on hearing this, but i wanted to give back my stubborn reply to him.
I told him ,if he wants me to talk to her, then he should call her from home and not from office. AI do not wish to talk her voluntarily from my own side, everytime. If i=he is so particular that i should talk to her, then he must pick up the phone from home and then give it to me. I put this down as a condition. I said, if i talk in ur absence, then ur mom will caomplaint saying "ur wife talked like this and that, and u will believe that its true. So to avoid all these problems, i want to talk only in ur presence. My hubby couldn't answert back as he knew he was doing a mistake by calling her from ofice, but still couldn't admit his fault. How egoistic!!!. Then he got wild and said, even my parents are not longing to talk to u, and don't want to talk anything about u. I sarcasticaly said, When they themselves aren't interested in talking with me, why do u go so mad about it and take so much efforts. Just leave it alone. Let them not talk, Then why do u keep bugging me. Why should our personal relationship get spoiled coz of them and i just quit the place. My hubby never expected this sort of a reply from me and hence jumped on me saying, see how i am going to make ur life miserable, Look i am going to stop sending ur kid to day care, and i am going to calcel ur trip to india, and u must suffer for the whole days, having ur baby at home, without any enteratainment for her. Only then u will learn a lesson. I gave a damn to all he said, and said, "okay if this is idea , so be it, don't send me to india. I am not bothred." Again he was shocked, because, he expected me to cry and beg him like ususal. But i din't So at last he tried to threaten me saying 'i am going to the vakil to apply for a divorce. Even for that i said, ok go ahead. So he din't know what to do. From my side even i threatned him that i too would do the same thing to him. And he din't find anything else to say, and hence had to shut up. Well i never spoke to him after that, but felt so so offended.
U know tensed, that day night also he ate all by himself, and never even asked me whehter i wanted to eat. He ate his tummy full and slept. I felt so bad and offended, tht i dint' sleep that whole night. Then i wrote a letter to him on his desk, saying how egosistc a man he is and how miserable he is making my life. He read that too and din;t talk anything. In the end, after that threatnening thing, he himself came and patched up saying."i know u can never forgive me, and will never like to even talk to me. Let ur anger be, but for heavens sake go and eat something" and then tried to patch up many a times. So after few hrs, i patched up with him. But frankly i still feel, so different about this man these days. I feel he is the same good old husband wholm i used to see. I din't talk much to him after that incidne, and i guess he understands, how bad i must have felt.
Well anyways, i am atleast happy that i have put my foot down in his parent;s issue, and have atleat made my point very clear. Even after that incident he din't call his parents from home, so even i din't ask about it voluntarily.let me see how far this matter would reach. Damn it, my mil is such a 420, talking all rubbish and nonsesnse and lying about nothing what i said, I just don't feel like talking to her at all.
REg, shopping spreee, i dont think my hubby will allow me to spend so much, as i already told u he is calculative tppe. He is already saying that this 3000 dollars for my tickets itself is too much of expense for him. He is again and again trying to change my mind,and asking me if i could calcel my trip this time, and go around next yr. I stoood very firm in my decision and said, i don't want to go next yr(as uf know my in laws will be back to india, and i don;t wish to see their faces, h3nce making my trip earlier to their arrival).
My tickets should get confirmed by the end of this week. Most probbaly i will start around nov 9 and ereturn my jan 22nd. let's see what happens. WEll in spite of all his threats to cancel my tickets, i am proceeding with it, i am sure he will not cancel it. After all he is not so heartless, but he would be very happy, if i cancelled it, Well i want him to realise my importance, Atleast for that i am leaving in nov. So rest in next tensed, Time to bring back my daughter. Will catch u up soon. bye and reply soon.

Hi abx,
Yes, its been a long time since we wrote to each other. Remember, earlier we used to write everyday. Now-a-days I'm very occupied with my work at office and home. I had checked this board 1-2 times in between but since there was no reply from ur end, I thought I'll check again next week and write to u. But luckily today I got a chance to check it and saw ur message. Do u write to nicemom on the other board or no? How is she? Howz life going on at her end?
Hey, about ur calling ur mil, do what ur heart says. I mean I know ur mind and heart does not want to talk to her. So just let it be. Dont talk to her voluntarily or dont talk to ur husband also abt this. If one day when this topic comes out and ur husband starts pointing abt this as ur fault, just say (like always) that why is it ur fault that u didnt speak. She (mil) also did not ask abt u, so isnt it her fault. I think thats the best. Dont talk now just for the sake of talking. If u dont feel like, then dont. See, even if u forget it all and talk to mil, still someway or the other, ur husband will point out some other fault. So forget abt it and just let it go on. If she wants to talk to u, then okay or else dont.
Good u booked ur tickets for India. When r u coming back? I guess u r staying for 2 months, isnt it. Have u started ur shopping? What all things r u taking/taken? U know shopping for India is the best thing for me. I love when I have to shop for India and specially I like the looks on the face of my parents and family when they see all the things we bring for them. Isnt it a nice feeling. I remember the first time we had been to India, I took such a lot of things for them, we had spent a lottt of money here because I couldnt understand what to take, I used to take whatever was good. Anyway, all the best for ur shopping spree!!
About news from my end, I have not yet spoken to in-laws since almost 2 months. About their coming here, it will never get cancelled. My husband will see to it that they come, whatever happens. Recently I heard him talking to his parents that he will send the necesary papers for the visa soon. I didnt ask anything abt it. Just hoping that my project gets extended when they r here. I wont be able to stay at home with them the whole day.
Okay then, reply soon. I'll try to check the message board everyday. Bye and take care.

HI tensed,
How r u doing. Long since we wrote to each other. How r things at ur end. how is job doing. Looks like u r too busy at work. Do find some time, to write to me, in between.
Btw , when r ur in laws planning to come to ur place. Any good news that they have dropped their plans!!! Did u talk to ur mil after that. In my case its almost 3-4 weeks since i spoke to my mil, as i told u my hubby dosen't call them from home these days Probably he calls them from his office or his cell phone. I dont know.But he is good to me, and dosen't ask me why i dint' call up his mom.But one more thing. I know well about my hubby, tensed. He will not ask me direcly to call his mom, but one fine days, when some quarrel arises, he will point me as guilty for not calling his mom. When he used to call them from home, i used to volu tarily ask for my turn and talk to my mil, but now that he dosen't call from home, i don't get that chance, and i also don;t wish to give up my ego, and go cheap and call my mil voluntarily and call her myself. Tell me tensed, what is the better way to deal it. Should i remain silent until hubby himself talks about it or should i voluntarily talk to him about it. I don't understand. But now since long, after his parents, have left, we have never had any quarrels for any major issues, and my hubby also compromises here and their, seeing my moods.But again i am worried if he would find fault with me some time later for not talking to her for so long. So i do not wish to spoil the atmoshpher of my house, by starting this issue, again, and morever i am leaving to india on nov 9th, so atleast till then, i want our family to stay peaceful. What do u think is wise to do now. Whetehr to talk about this or not. please reply soon.
bye

hi abx,
was nice to see ur mssg and the smiley face. sorry for replying so late. am very tied up with my work in the off and after coming home dont feel like sitting on the PC. good to know u r planning to go to india now. anyway, even if u go in april-may ur hubby wont be accompanying u, so its better to go now. have u booked the tickets yet? hows ur hubby now? is it okay. talking properly. everything is okay at my end. busy with my work. at home things r fine. no new quarrels at my end too. didnt speak to in-laws recently. going to be a month. good na. wish i never had to speak to them. but..... i have a feeling this weekend my husband will tell me to speak to them. but still its okay as far as its once a month isnt it. k then bye for the moment. i'll keep on checking the mssgs here. do keep in touch and keep mailing.

Hi tensed,
what happenned, why no messages from u since long. Quite busy at work is it?
WEll i just wanted to say hi to u since i din't hear anything from u since long.
Things at my end is okay in the sense, no new quarrels. Now that i have planned to block my tickets for nov 9 and 11th, my hubby is slowly realising my importance. He is saying again and again, why don't u cancel ur trip and go over in april. It would be boring for me to pull along during winter. I know he will have a tough time, and i feel very sorry for him, but as i told u my in laws are planning to return back to india around march and hence i want to make my visit before that. So to avoid them , i am making sure that i leave positively in nov. Hubby wnats me to stay back here for diwali and hence i am going on nov 9 or 11th. Similarly even parents are asking me to come over and leave according to my convenince. They too feel sorry that my hubby will stay alone, and has to do everything my himself. And so they are telling its okay if u come after diwali and stay even for 2 mths. So from 3 mths i have changed it to 2 mths, and hence i think it should sound okay. Even now if i say i am canceling my trip my hubby will happily do it, but i have decided to make it.
About my in laws. As i told u i don't talk to her that often, Infact these days, i talk to her only once in 2 weeks, and even hubby dosen't ask me to talk to her. Even when he talks , he talks from a seperate room and comes out after he finishes talking. so in between once i voluntarily got the phone from him and spoke to mil. And after that i din't . Each and every time, i don't want to volunteer myself. My mil talks to him once in 2-3 days and never enquires about me, or asks him to pass on the phone to me. So even i don't enquire about her at all. I think so much of respect is enough for all tha she has done to me. And i never told her about my trip to india as well, and i am not interested in telling her. anyways, my hubby will be telling her everything.
So whats happenning at ur end, did ur mil talk to u or not. Write soon.Bye till then.

Hi tensed,
Very glad to see ur quick response. I agree with everything u say. its true that only seperation for a while, will make hubbys realise our worth. I fully agree with it. But anyway, i think i will most probably make it in oct, as after feb my daughter will turn 4 and i have to go before that. So that's another reason to start early. But u know i feel 3 and 4 mths are too much. I can't stay without him for so long. Whether he yells at me or anything, i can't stay alone for so long. But he says its a waste of money if i start within one mth or so. So i am planning to go around end oct, and return atleast by mid january. I am sure u all too should be feeling the same , if such a situation arises. the worst part is he won't come to india at least for the next few yrs, since he gets to see his parents, when they come over to our place, and its only i who has to go down to see my parents, and my hubby will not come down in order to see my parents.Already he dosen't even talk much with them. SO even in this its only a one way traffic. I am enquiring various airlines to get the best deal. I will keep u posted about it.
And how are things working at ur end. How do like ur new job. Are u settled in it now. I hope its a permanent position. Did ur mil talk to after that. What plans do they have. Still are u firm in going back to india, or has ur hubby changed his decision.
Write soon and bye.

Abx,
Forgot to mention one more thing. If you go now, it will give u both space which is needed in every family. A little bit of space from each other. So ur trip will make him miss u and realize how important u are to him. He will remember u in each and every task at home and will realize that u used to handle it all so well, he cant. It will give him a chance to think about all u have done for him.

Hi abx,
Nice to know that atleast henceforth u'll take a effort not to compromise first. Dont be restless and let him compromise. Try to be patient and wait for a few extra days. Show him that u wont tolerate all the nonsense u have been tolerating for all these years. Now is the time abx. If you dont be harsh then the time will never come. Every time you will think that okay, this time I myself will compromise, next time I'll wait. It wont happen. So have patience and try it. Wait for a few extra days than you normally compromise and see if he changes. If not, then okay, u can give in but try again the next time.

Regarding your going to India, u are the best decision maker. But my suggestion would be to go. You are so loving that inspite of everything, you cant bear to see your husband alone but you have to see what is important to you - going to india now leaving him or going later but facing ur in-laws. I think u will find the first option agreeable because even though you will be in India he will be of course calling you and you will be in touch with him. If u go in April-May, then will he be joining u.
It might happen that in ur absense he will call his parents everyday and who knows what all they'll tell him, but see abx, if he wants, he can call them now too everyday from the office. How will u come to know? I know that one day u came to know that he had started calling from the office. But how do u know that once in a while his parents themselves might be calling him in his office which u might not be aware of. So see, something like this can happen even if u are there, u might not be aware of. So let it be. Let the dogs bark. Let them talk to him everyday, its their habit. They wont change. But just because of that fear, dont have two minds about going to India. U go now and enjoy when ur in-laws are not there to trouble u. U r veryyyyyy lucky to get this opportunity. I wish I would have got such an opportunity. But I dont think such an opporunity will ever come in my life. Dont let that chance go away. So think about it and let us know what u decide.
Bye and reply

Dear tensed, worried and nicemom,

Sorry for the long silence. I had typed 2 long messages, but din't get it across as i had some problem with my computer.
Well, i agree with u(tensed and worried), that i am doing it wrong by compromising too early with my hubby. But the basic problem is that, my hubby is very very egoistic, and if i don't compromise there can't be any compromise at all, and life will become sick. never even once has he said sorry to me. I used ot feel very bad, but now i have come to know very well, that i can't get a sorry from this egoistic man. But of course, once in a while, he too compromises, but dosen't say a sorry while patching up.
Like u both said, i too don't want to take all this shit anymore from him, as i have always, tried my best to be a good wife to him, but still he dosen't realise it. Even my mom says not to get restless when he dosen't talk to me. she asks me to stay silent, and wait for him to come for a compromise, but since i get restless, with the horrible atmosphere , i patch up. But i will try my best to wait for him to compromise hereafter. I understand that there will not be much change, until i start doing it.
Now that my days, to go down to india is nearing, i am feeling a bit uneasy to leave him alone here. Bcoz these days he leaves home early as he has to travel too far to his office. He leaves home around 6.30 and is back only at 7.30, and hence i really feel sorry for him.In spite of taking so much of shit from him, i really feeel sorry for him. I don't know what he is going to do for these 3 months. But still i can't even postpone my trip, because, around march april my in laws wll be back from the u.s. and if i go around that time, i must visit their place. So atleast to avoid them, i must leave by oct and return by jan.
But these days, my hubby has become too calculative in everything, and is saying, that i can spend only so much on trip to madras, and i really feel hurt when he puts in these restrictions. AFter all i go once in a while, and even then he dosen't give me the freedom, to do and spend as i feel like. He asked to so many questions about the accounts for all expenses, and i got fed up and started crying. In the end he himself came and patched up and assured me that he dint do it intentionally. But still that incident has hurt me a lot.
I am undergoing a phase of dilemma. Whether to go or go not. But when he says, okay stay back here, and postpone ur trip to march april, i say a big no to myself, as i just don't wish to see the villians, atleast for the next 2 yrs or so. And my parents are waiting to see me. I am totally confused, but most of the time,i feel, i must leave all these emotions, and leave during oct. Girls just tell me what should i be doing. Somehow i feel helpless.
These days i stopped talking much to my mil. I have made it a point to just say a hi once in 10 days or 14 days, and even that lady dosen't enquire about me atall and talks all stories to her son, and the very dutiful son calls his mom every alternate day, but i am not bothered, even if she doen't enquire me, becaue, i feel its better for me, as she won't come to know anything about me. I never even told her about my plans of visiting india. May be i will give her the info just 1 week before leaving. EVen ifi talk , she dosen't respond well. so i think its enuff i talk to her once in a while. I am totally fed up with them. And even my hubby doen't pressurise me to talk every now and then.
i feel somewhat disturbed about leaving him behind, one more thing to worry about is, that his parents will be in the u.s. when i am in india, and my hubby will call them up everyday, and my mil will start brainwashing him about this and that. THis makes me a bit too worried, but again, if i postpone my trip, for all these reasons, then i think only i will be the loser. Girls what do u feel. Please tell me. Waiting for ur replies. bye and c u soon