Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi everyone,
I had been hoping since long that my problems would get solved and kept hoping for the best and tried to bury everything within my mind. My problem started very soon after our marriage and though we stayed out of india my life is more or less only like a in laws dominated house. It all happened when my foolish husband fell a pray to his mother's sweet behaviour(which which she is not actually) and keeeps on trusting that whatever she says is correct and only what i do is wrong. Right from the beginning she tried to to put up a show saying she is like my daughter and thus both my husbands and my in laws expecatation grew day by day. My mil used to talk so sweet about me in front of her beloved son but when i spoke to her she used to talk in a sarcastic manner. I first used to bear with everything and later on when i told my husband about all this he never even believed in my words and told me that his mom is a goddess and iam nothing to him. Een when we stayed for a while for our vacation he used to run behind his mom ,hug her saying ,hai honey etc etc and used to just neglect me.And even his mom used used to enjoy all this and tried to pull her son to her side for no sin at all committed by me. Day by day all this bullshit kept growing like his mom trying to put up a show in front of him and he believing in his mothers ways. And when i got pregnant and had to go to india my husband kept telling me that u have to call my parents daily and when i called them they never even used to respond to me properly and his dad used to treat me like garbage.And then when their beloved son came to india , they tried to poison his mind and tried to pick up a big quarrel between both of us, and called my parents to their house. Instead of bringing a compromise they blew up their fight and asked my parents to get out of their house and my husband never even used to come to see me and child .And all this they did while i was inmy final stages of pregnancy and hence u all could imagine what sort of mental torture i would have undergone. And after my husband left india he used to tell me that i must visit his parents every now and then, and when i used to call up his parents my fil used to ask me why are u coming and how long u will be staying and all sorts of bullshit. And even when i said all this to my husband he used to say even if they say that u have to again and again ask them , And throout my life only this has been hapenning, they trying to insult me and me going to their house in spite of all this and even now only this has been happenning. Even now he keeps on saying that i should call them up daily and talk to them. Is there any commonsense in all this. What is there for someone to talk daily to their in laws and that too to such deceivers. Now he is trying to blackmail me that if i don;t satisfy all his needs he will give me a divorce. I have my kid and for that sake i do not want it.EVen now they have brainwashed their son saying that i should take care of them in their old age though they have other two sons and they expect it from me. And i told him that i am ready even ready for that as well. But i keep on asking to myself in what way is it fair for them to treat me like shit and expect good behaviour from me. I am really confused and desperate. I have tried venting out my feelings to my hubby but still he takes only his parents side. So far i have been living only as per wishes but slowly i have started feeling that the more i do the more he expects out of me and i don't know what's going to be end to all this. When ever this topic arises we get into misunderstanding and don't even talk to each other for one week or so, so again i only keep compromisign. In what way is it fair for me to keeps serving those people who treat me and my parents like garbage. Please advice. I am almost into a mental depresssion due to all this and i am not able to tolerate all this nonsense.
abx replied. Hi worried and friend,

First of all, friend , how are things at ur end. How is ur hubby's reaction now. Any big changes in his attitude now. I am sure even now ur hubby must not have accepted the fact that what his parents did was wrong, if at all he apologised for all that, i would be feel very very happy for u. Anyways about u talking to ur parents about it, i feel there's nothing wrong in it. After all our parents are our only well wishers. Because in the beginning like u even i never revealed any of our happennings to my parents, just to keep them happy, and i always used to tell them, that i am very happy with this man. But at one stage in our life, my hubby like a coward went and told all our misunderstdings, and all our dialogues, to his beloved parents, and like a third rated lot, his parents immediately called up my dad and complained this and that against me, in fact there was no fault on my side at all. The only big complaint was that i cried a lot. Imagine, is crying such a big sin, that too when this man behaves so bad with me, can i ever help crying. For this my hubby blew up the issue, and complained all stupid things to his parents, and his dad is telling my dad that i am mentally in stable, and that's why i am crying. He blackmailed my dad by saying that unless a psychiatrist certifies that i am normal, he will not allow me to live with his son. But that was not the big reason behind it, the actual fact was that my hubby was jobless at that time, and they wanted to camoflauge that fact and hence tried to hide it by complaining against me. Just see what sort of third rated people they were. and even my parents din't go so cheap begging theri pardon or anything. so this triggered his parents, to revolt against me and my parnts because, they could never accept any of their son's fault at all. All that they could do was just to give their son a false support, and hence since they din't know what else to do, they asked my parents to get out of their house. Can u imagine, what amount of respect they had for my parents. Just because we are the girls side, they expect us to fall at theri feet for each and everything. But this time my mom stood very stubborn, and told my dad as well. \";when there is no fault on my daughter's side,why must we go an apologise with those people.\"; And from that date, there has not been any contacts with the 2 parties, And so my fil din't have the courtesy to call my dad and apologise for having told that word!!!!. So what can i do now.?

now worried, i have a question for u, tell me how should i tackle this problem. from that day, my hubby never corresponds with my dad, and even if my dad sends any mails to him, he dosen't even reply back to him. All these things are killing me from within.

And now the latest thing is that my hubby is calling his parents daily from his office, and all of them converse only in my absence. Even if his parents call him, they call him only in at his office and even my hubby calls them , he does it only from his office. I asked him a couple of times to call them from hom,e but he never reacted to it. And neither does he compel me to talk to his parents. But still i feel it like an insult, because, my own hubby is making me cheap in front of his parents, by not talking in front of me. So this is like encourging his parents that \";we can hereafter neglect our bahu completely.\"; And my mil brainwashes my hubby by saying this and that. And now the latest is that she wants to see her son once again for the christmas holidays, and the very dutiful son is also ready to apply for a loan to afford for his tickets, as he has spent all his savings on my india trip. Morever i hope u remember, that just 2 mths back his parents came here and visited us. So do u see any need for him go all the way, to ca and see his parnts.
Many a times i thought of talking about this calling from office things to my husband, but just don't do it, as there are only 2 weeks for me to leave for india, and i don't want to quarrel and leave when i go to india, as that will only worsen the situation.
What do u feel worried, how should i react to this problem. Sometimes when i think of it, i feel not to rise this issue, as my hubby is good with me otherwise, but sometimes when i think of it, i feel my hubby is cheating me at my back, and trying to be good in front of me. These mixed thoughts about him , is dampening my love for him. To tell u very frankly, i don't trust this man any more, and don't like him the same way like i used to, before all this quarrels. But my hubby's behaviour is okay otherwise, but how far is it fair for him to talk at my back always, Please advice me, i am not able to concentrate in my life at all and feel so depressed these days,. Please advice me worried. Friend tensed, and nicemom, even ur suggestions are welcome.
Hoping to see all ur replies very soon.

Worried replied. Hi Friend,

If I understand right from your message that you and you hubby had an argument becos you told him abt how his parents were doing so much for his brother's kid and did much less for yours. To this your hubby reacted and took off abt your parents!

See its very simple you cursed his parents and May have used harsh words for them -did you?-Even if you didn't just sit back and recount what it is that may have irked him for him to react like he did. Look he also must be hurting from inside that his parents can do so much for the other son and not for him ! So this whole incident may just have been a reaction and since you were the closest to him you became his target! Ofcourse all this is very unfair but the fact that you are the hurt party would prevent you from seeing this angle.

Further, the Birthday wish to your dad may have been another form of compromise or another way to show you that he harbours no ill-will towards your parents.You have also mentioned that he is a caring husband and father so look at the bright side.

Ofcourse all this does NOT mean that you should compromise -It is very important for you to bring home the fact that by taking up for his parents even when they are wrong he has done gross injustice to you. Don't try and make him see how his parents were wrong becos this has now become an ego issue.
Now what you can do is that when he does compromise in whatever manner you can tell him while he is making up with you that you are still hurting from his unreasonable behaviour of not being ab;le to distinguish right from wrong.Tell him that you do not believe that his judgement of character is soooo wrong and that you trust him so completely abt his judgement that this has definitely come as a shock to you. This was one of main strong points abt him that you admired etc etc and then watch the silly ego in play again and leave it at that ........Wait and watch he will be a changed man next time over!
Try it! And let us know if this worked!

Friend replied. Hi abx, My husband came down to a few levels yesterday though he is not talking to me as usual. what happened is this. Yesterday morning when he went drop my daughter at the day-care I told that Milk needs to be purchased. He is like NO, I am not going. I got so mad and I shouted at him, Then who will buy it? No milk for our daughter to drink. You are buying it, That's it... What is this? We both argued on something but that doesn't mean that my daughter has to starve..etc..etc. I thought inspite of me telling this much he is going to come back without buying anything. But he did, but he didn't talk to me and he was with a rough face all day along till the evening. I told him, whatever we discussed and shouted at each other is between 2 of us. Our daughter should not get affected by it. I don't like that happen at any cause. So, try to be normal in front of her...etc. Then at the dinner time, he made 'Dosa' and asked our daughter to eat. I usually sit with her when she eats to make sure she eats the food not plays with it. Then he brought another plate with a Dosa on it. I said, No she hasn't finsihed the first one yet. For that he said, it's for you!! I was taking this as compromise No.1 and I said OK, thanks. I ate my dinner then I made 'Dosa' for him. The way how he usually compromise OR ends the fight is different always. He will be moody for sometime then when he starts to talk I should not ask him anything related to the fight immediately, Like why did you say that, this and all. Then after few more days, he will talk in a good manner and say OK, I won't tell it again and he says you too don't say it again, all that.

THis time also he wanted to do like that , I mean patching up without anyone saying sorry to anyone. But as it was about my Parents, I couldn't wait I started right away, what your parents said was not quite true. That's it. He got upset again. Even I didn't talk after that. I was thinking about his kiddish behaviour ( I mean saying something just because I said something) and felt mad at him. Anyway, again today he talked a little about his work and some general matters.. Compromise No. 2. Now, I decided to wait. Though my heart is crying to hear from him that he understood me and he will be supportive..etc. If I start again about those issues, again the same situation will arise. So, this time I am going to wait a little longer and on a later day I will be asking him about it and even he will say OK, I got it. But right now, though his heart says it his EGO is stopping him from doing so. So, I started to talk to him as usual.

But, tell me abx. Can I tell all these to my Mom? I was thinking about it and decided to tell just the point of it. I mean My in-laws told my husband some untrue things about my Parents. But I am not going to tell her that even my husband is saying that he believes it.(I know he just wanted to give a reply to me that's why he says that he believes it). So that my Mom will think at least my hubby don't think bad about her/them. But she can talk to my in-laws even more careful, because those people are bad and mean. Please send your suggestions to me ASAP.

But, you know what? I am so confused. sometimes, I think I will tell my MOM about this. But the next time I think, No I should not tell her as it will bother her mind and she will be feeling bad that her daughter and Son-in-law are fighting and not living happily together.

I have to mention one thing here Friends. THough we both were fighting and shouting at each other. Day before yerterday as it was my dad's birthday I asked him to send an email with \";Birthday Wish' in it which my husband did without refusing. This itself shows that he too is feeling the same way how I am feeling. I mean unneccesarily why should we hurt our parents mind. And this also shows he has good respect on my dad proving that My parents would not have done ill treating to his parents. Right?!!

Anyway, I am hoping for things to go better from here after. I am going to wait really a while to ask him about how he feels about this whole situation. But, please friends, let me know your opinions about telling this to my Mom.

abx, your husband is so so different and very mean too. I am sorry that I am using harsh words to refer him. But, Your hubby is calculative towards you and to your trip but he can spend how much ever he wants to see his parents?!! I don't get it.


abx replied. Friend, i am glad to see ur message as u sound a bit more bold now. Keep it up and never go back to ur hubby for a compro. These guys don't deserve it at all. In spite of knowing what their parents are doing is wrong, they don't have the audocity to accept it. They are real cowards i tell u, and ur hubby is no exception to it.
I understand how bad u must be feeling, when ur in laws are partial. I have gone thro this thro out my marriage, and now i have come to a point where, i don't bother about anthing they do, as far as it dosen't affect my personal life. Because, dogs are dogs and they can never stop barking. Similarly these in laws can never change thro out their lives. The more we try to show where they have gone wrong, they more they try to find fault with their dil.s . But i don't mean that u must accept any ill treatments done by them, not at all, but i am just trying to tell u about theri mentality. Their dirty minds can never become pious ever. But at least we must bring all this to our hubby's knowledge, so that at least he knows what is happenning. Forget about the solution. These mama's boys, can never get a solution to all our problems, and the easiest way for them to react is by supporting their mom, and letting down their wives. But i would advice u not to show much interest in ur in laws' herafter and u musst maintain a lot of distance from them. From this distance, they must be atleat able to understand, that u are certainly not happy with what they did. Let ur hubby take his own sweet time for a compro, but in the end, make him realise that what his parents, did was not correct. I am sure ur hubby will not let down his parents down, but atleast he must accept that his parents went wrong. We know that our parents, din't ill treat our in laws, so that's sufficient. Though these men know the truth about our parents, they will only keep supporting their parents. This is the universal truth.
Like in my case, though my in laws had been so bad to me, my father is still a very very getle fil to my hubby. In spite of all the mis deeds done to me by him and his parents, my father sends him e mail once in a while, but do u think my hubby has the courtesy of sending back a word of reply to my dad, no not so far. U can understand what sort of an arrogant character my hubby is. Soem times all these things pizzes me off, and i feel like jumping on him, but still i just remain silent so that i can erupt on this topic some other time in future, where i can prove he is wrong.
Anyways now the good new in my life is that my tickets to india has been confirmed on the 1st week of dec. So hopefully if everythign goes well, i should be in india during first week of dec. But within this short span, u know how the criminal brain of my in laws have worked. Now these dirty people are trying to convince my hubby by saying \";hey beta u must be getting bored, staying alone, when ur wife and kid are off to india. So why don't u make a two weeks trip to california(now my in laws live there with their eldest son) and spend some time with all of us. I really got wild when my hubby told about this to me. Already just last yr my hubby took all of us to tampa(his younger brothers place) when his parents were there. After that again he sponsored his parents to our house, just 2 months back, and now again he wants to go and see them in calif. Just tell me if he is fair in what he does at all. Already he was grumbling for paying for my tickets to india saying \";oh my its 4000 bucks and i could have written off half of my car loan\"; and he said that he is paying thro his nose, to sponsor us. I know very well about all that. And he laid 1001 conditions saying \";u should not spend for this and that in india, and minimise ur purchases, within our budget etc etc, since he is in a financial crisis. AFter all i am going to see my parents after 3 yrs, and my in laws are not even able to digest this fact. And just becasue i am going to see my parents they want their son also to meet them. Just tell me friends does all this make any commensesnse.
So today i asked him how could he afford his tickets to calif now when he is already telling me that he is in a financial crisis. For that he is saying, \";after all u are going to enjoy ur parents company, and what's wrong if i spend my chritmas holidays as well with my parents. I too will be getting bored staying alone over here.\"; See how mean he is. He wants to put restrictions on me spending money when i go to india, but still he feels it right on his part now to make that unnecessary trip to ca. reply soon friends. bye Worried replied. Hey all you girls on this post why don't you move up on the post and post your replies and opinions here on top and continue form here.

It is difficult to go hunting for updates on your site. Thanx in advance.

I also find it necessary to mention here that I am very glad to notice that abx has taken my advice of not jumping to a compromise every time and it is helping her.Good for you and as for Friend I suggest that you don't bother with your inlaws and try and put what your inlaws did out of your mind......It isn't going to make your life any better. Mebbe you talk to your husband thru suggestions and let him know what happened but never directly.

All guys are half mad as it is why enter the lion's lair and then find out there is a lion in it!

Bye for now and try and start posting your messages on top here. abx replied. Hi friend,
I am glad to hear from u after a long while. Well u have certainly not hurt my feelings, in fact u are only trying to do something nice to me, and i appreciate it very much. In fact, u can write ur comments and suggestions to any of the messages that i post in this board, after all this board is onlt the vent for us to pour out our feelings.
REg my brother's issue, u know actually if my hubby din't send any reply, i had plans of doing it myself, of course, with all our 3 names. But the only thing is i wouldn't have told about it to my husband. I have a silver lining in the cloud(which i believe), as my hubby hasn't deleted my brothr's message, coz, if he din't have plans of replying then he could have deleted it immediately, but he din't. So atleast this shows that he has regards for my brother. In fact, before my wedding, my brothr, and my hubby were very close, but only after all these problems, my hubby started maintaining distance from him. Poor thing, my brother dosen't have anything to do with all this. But anyway, i am not really sure, if my bubby has retained the message, for replying or may be he won't even reply later, and just retained it for the sake of it. Anyay if he dosen't do it, then i will send a congrats card to my brother. So that's not a problem.
But one of the biggest advantage i have in my life is the good nature of my parents' sister and brother. In the sense, even if my hubby insults them, they don't get hurt and still keep up a good rapport with him. Sometimes i feel my hubby dosen't deserve such good people. And in fact, my brother knows everything that's going in between me and my hubby, and even my sister coz i pour out all my feelings to my parntsl and they are the only source of support for me. That's why in spite of all these problems i am able to survive, in this marital relationship. So even if my hubby dosen't reply back, my brother won't retaliate with the same behaviour, That;s his greatness. so i am just keeping my fingers crossed to see what happens.
But nobody from my hubby's side has been such straight forward , or broad minded. So that's the big difference. And hence even i am not able to be an angel with them. Leave alone my bils as we have got nothing to do with them, as my hubby hardly talks to them. But my mil /fil don't even have the courtesy to send me a b'day card, directly to my email address, but expect me to call them up for all events. How is all this possible friend. To deserve a good treatment, they too must have done someehting good to me. U know the sequences of all issues i had so far. So u must have a picture of what sort of people they are. And even after all this shit my hubby wants me to call them voluntarily and talk to them.How far is this possible. But my hubby calls them from the office. If i once again go down and give up my ego and call them, then again my hubby will take me for a ride in futue. I have had enough from them , and hence, want to show them even how egoistic i am, so that atleast i mean what i say. U get what i say. I can't always keep forgiving and forgeting, because after that everybody forgets what i do. Tht's what i hate. So i feel its high time i stand firm on my deicsion, and face any consequences that might come later. Well i even told my hubby that i'll talk to them, if he calls them up from home, but why can't he do that. And if he wishes to give a tit for tat by not replying to my brother, then , i am not worried, at all. Because, this cycle will keep on continuing thro out my life. But i got the message what u said, and certainbly, i will write back to my brother. Thanks a lot for ur kind word friend. and keep writing . ANd u are most welcome to give any suggestions in anything that i write. Bye and keep in touch. Friend replied. Hi abx,
I just read your recent messages to tensed and I found that you are thinking of waiting on your husband to see whether he sends a reply card to your Brother for the invitation he has sent. Also, you had mentioned that if he doesn't you are not going to ask him or remind him about that. Well, that's OK, abx. But, how about you sending a card with your husband and your kid's names in it along with yours?! Will your husband say anything if you do such thing? Of course you are going to send the card only after showing that to him. Say something nice like I know you were really busy. so, I just went ahead and bought this card for us to send. What do you think? Is it nice? something like that... to let him aware of the whole thing.

The reason for me writing this is, you had mentioned that your brother is such a wonderful person. If that's case, why do you want to punish your brother for your own personel problems. I mean, do whatever you should do to keep the other family members (especially the good people) happy and then we have always time to talk and resolve our own problems thru out our entire life.

Hope I didn't hurt your feelings or anything. Just a friendly thought. Good Luck! Friend replied. Hi abx,

I read the entire thread just like that today and I don't know what to say and how to console you as there is nothing to tell you that you should do or change.

Your in-laws. My god!, they are also parents of few kids, right?!! How could they ever do this to you? Is yours is a love marriage? The reason why I am asking is, may be they are showing only their bitter face/words to you as you are not their choice. EVen, if yours is a love marriage they shouldn't treat you like this. Because, if their love to their son (your hubby) is true, then they should respect his likes/dislikes.

I really feel very sorry for all the things happening to you. I will pray God to give good mind to your husband as in this case that will be the best thing which should happen. I mean having your husband's full support, thats what you need the most at this time. Take care. Worried replied. Hi abx and desperate,

Why are you girls being so naive about life! abx , on one hand you hate ur inlaws and on the other you feel bad about them not wishing you for your b'day.....I understand how you feel because it is very sad but all this happened with me also, they even forgot our very 1st wedding anniversary!and I used to get very upset etc. but then it struck me that hey this is something they are at fault with and this is something I can point out to my hubby which I did and lo and behold he understood......! Listen by fighting with your husbands you girls are only distancing them from you. What your husband did abx was very sweet when he called his parents and asked them why they had written Mr and Mrs so &so and not mummy and daddy! You should have taken your clue from there and praised him to the high heavens for it and said that it had upset you also no end etc etc.....and build a story around that instead of telling him who needs to cvall them mom and dad! You shud have told him Look how they have written Mr and Mrs so & so am I their daughter or some outsider......all this very sweetly. Now instead of finding fault in everything your husband does change your tone to how sweet aqnd understanding he is towards you and find the fault in them and find sweet ways to tell him about the same.....don't say your parents say ma and pa or however you refer to them.....C'mon girls learn even now ther is time to turn back the clock......soon it will be too late. Let your hubby feel that you are the only one to be on his side in good and bad times and see how well it works! Sad but true that the male ego still reigns supreme and this is true all over the world not only in India or with the Indians!

You are solely responsible for your happiness and remember DO NOT show your excessive eagerness to talk with your own family and there is no need to praise htem to the high heavens.....You know they are the best and will always be yours and sincerely yours .....don't repeatedly point it out to your husband it is not important to him.....He only wants toi know that he is the most important person in your life and make him feel so......even tell him so! There 9is no point in going on about wanting to die first and fast cos' your husband will only get anoither chance to marry again and your child is the only one who is going to suffer in this whole thing instead what you girls should do is adapt to your situations and smarten up cos' only the smart survive!

All this ofcourse does not mean that you have to forget your beliefs and live the life of a doormat.....Fight for what you believe in and stick by it but don't fight at every step.

Abx when your MIL had called you shudnt have left the answering mc on you shud have taken the call and been overly sweet and honey and sugar and when your hubby got back you shud have told him .....guess what mom and dad(or howeever you refer to them) actually called late in the evening to wish me and all this when I had almost given up hope that they would even call.....so sweet na .....they actually remembered! and your stupid hubby wud have said what a nice wife I have she is actually greatful they called etc etc.....And if he had then asked did you get the ecard you shud have feigned complete ignoirance......like this.....Card ? what card? no I never received any card.....haven't you heard of the delete option on your email....haven't you heard of stuff getting untraceably lost in cyberspace......! Learn Learn Learn!

Hope this is a lesson for starters! nicemom replied. hi abx,
fortunately, i didn't get a chance to stay with my in-laws at all, 9 days, thats it!! but i know how it feels when your hubby is under the thumb of his mother. my hubby was very much towards his family only, rather than me. i had a 9 yrs courtship period with my hubby and thats the time i came to know how much imprtance he gives his parent s, brothers and sisters, who do nothing at all for him. during any illness or any work, he will slog like a donkey and when he falls ill, its like just another day. this my hubby never realised.
i knew that i wanted to marry this man but couldn't share him this much with his parents who didn't do much for him. if they also felt the same for him, i wouldn't have minded.
fortunately, after my marraige, i very tactfully, got him towards me. luckily we have been in usa every since we got married. i lovingly explained the situation and he soon realised and now he doesn't do that much for them. he does his duty but nothing more. he realised that his elder brother was also selfish and everyone , afterall looks for their own nuclear family.i knew that i have to keep my hubby towards me if i wanted to stay away from the inlaws. when i got married, we had not yet definetly planned whether we were going to settle in the usa. so there were chances that i could have gone back. but now things fell in there place and i know that we don't have to go back ever!! if i would have fought with him then, he would have gone back to india in a few years. finally i got him to work on the gc and thank god i don't have to stay in india with my inlaws.
my advice to you is , with all your charm, sweet tongue, i don't know what else, try to manupulate your hubby towards you. show a lot of concern towards your in-laws but actaully you don't need to really do it. that way, he feels you are good and the others are at fault. as you said it another meessage...double game!!
now remember i told you i had a tiff with dear hubby this morning regarding parenting stuff. now my hubby is great with my baby, but he has made it our personal issue. we are not talking well. this always happens. he pulls the thing too much. i called him up on his cell this morning itself, saying 'forget the morning thing' and let the day go on well. but he sarcastically said 'let me go to work and atleast work, just let things be where they are'. whenever we fight, suddenly our chores get demarked. he puts dishes in the dishwasher and its my work to remove them the next day. many a times he does it too. but when we fight, he'll ask me 'have you done the dishwasher job?'. like as if i don't do any other extra work. he goes to work 5 days for 8 hrs. but our job is 7days, 24 hrs!! i feel very offended when he talks like this. we have been having small fights since last 11 yrs. (courtship+married yrs). i've let gone so much of my arrogance and short temper. as you know i am the only child of my parents. i came from a different financial status than he. i let go so much and i changed so much for him. now when i hear him talk like this, it hurts a lot.
i tell my mom most of my pains but off late i don't tell b'coz she keeps worrying a lot. thats the reason she keeps coming here off and on. i take a sleep medication almost every night when i'm crossed with my hubby. abx, you don't know how much i sacrifised for this man. i know he love me too, but he's changed , changed a lot!! i think he takes me for granted now!!
i'll catch up with you soon. reply soon Natalie replied. Hi ladies,
I am really sorry to hear about all the problems youare having. The first few months with a baby should be happy and special not stressful. I thank God that my in laws are lovely, and my mom in law, although has her opinions and views allowed me to make the important choices for my kids. If the choices were minor eg. what food to eat today, or it was not hurting the baby eg. tieing the black thread to ward off evil, I let her do it. But i never had any of these problems that you are having, even though we had a love marriage. I am not showing off I am just letting you know that I can not give advice but I feel for you.

One thing my mom said before I got married was 'No matter what happens you should never say bad things about your mil to your husband even if they are true. She is his mother after all.'
However have you tried recording on tape the way she talks to you and the nasty things she says when youare alone, and then make your husband listen to it?? Maybe then he can believe you.

I wish you good luck, and definitely stand up for yourself. And once you have made a stand NEVER back off later even if under pressure from hubby.

Natalie abx replied. Hi girls,
How are things working with all of u. Thanks jasmine for those great ideas. In fact i must try and implement all those very soon. looks like my in laws are planning to visit us within a month or two and i feel its the worst thing that could ever happen with me. If they had been good to me i would never have felt like this. I have started getting a feverish feeling and feel very depressed about the very idea of their arrival. When my mil comes she will keep on saying why do u do this and that and my husband is always there to support her and will always be only behind his mother and try to neglect me as much as possible as if i were nothing. So this time according to all ur valuable advise , i should not bow down to their dirty demands and should learn to fight back and become a little more brave. Only god should give me all the stregth as i am sick with them and never at all feel like seeing their wicked faces.Keep in touch girls and please keep giving me all ur support and help as i am really feeling tensed about their arrival. God save all of us. Jasmine replied. Hi everyone - It has been a while since I have been on-line and I have read everyone's replies. Please keep these things in mind:
1)Don't stay quiet for too long
2) Voice your opinions in a \";poltically correct\"; way with both your in-laws and husband
3) Demand respect for yourself because there isn't another soul on earth who will fight for you.
4) When it comes to your child - you are the child's mother not your mil so you take control. Tell them that they had their chance to enjoy raising their children and now you deserve your chance.
5) Don't be afraid of anything or anyone and especially don't show it. Showing your weakness to your husband and his family is only going to back fire.

If anyone has anything else to add please do. I didn't do any of these things for the first 6 years of my marriage and believe they were hell. I started fighting when my child was almost a year old.

God bless each and everyone of us. abx replied. Hai sweet, jasmine and worried,
Glad to see all ur replies as i am able to share many views with u guys. First of all thank u jasmine and worried for ur advise. I am trying my best to keep up my self esteem and be assertive of anything i say and also trying to be more bold though i am coward by heart. Its really going to be difficult for all of us to tackle all these problems. And hi tensed , looks like u too have a replica of my husband, as most of my incidents co incide with that of urs. The same thing happens to me as well. While i was in india ,my husband also asked me to go over and stay with his parents. And u can just imagine how my in laws would have treated me in their son's absense. My husband said that now that u have stayed in ur house , its now time for u to go and stay with my parents.And i could never go over and see any of my relatives. And whenever my brother and my sister came to visit me at their place they used to treat them like garbage. They never even used to say a hello to them, and they will continue doing their own jobs or even go away from that spot. My mil never even used to offer anything for them , and its only i who used to ask them if they would like to have some thing and understanding my postition my brother and sister used to say i don't need anything at all. And even when they used to enquire about theiir welfare my in laws used to just nod their heads as if they they were dogs. I used to get bugged up with all this and thus told all my relatives to not to come to see me at my in laws and get ill treated like this.And my fil used to always point out something wrong at me, even if i forgot to switch off a light or a tap that was made a big issue. But all that i used to do is just sit down in my room and cry as even my husband was not there with me. And later on i used to call my mom from a public booth and used to cry to her telling all this incidents. I had no other go because if ued to worry that if i took all these matters to my husband he might dealy to process my visa or something.So the only way i took my burden off is by elling all this to my mom who too used to feel for me. My parents always tell me,u be more patient and just keep mum and deaf even if they say nonsense about u or us. Never show ur reaction to anybody and never burst. They said once u get ur visa u can run away from this place and even if u are far away from us atleast we will be happy to hear that u are away from ur in laws. But even today my parents adivse me that if ur in laws come to ur place treat them well. Don't retaliate or bring any old incidents to their mind as this will only aggravate the mis understanding betwen ur husband and u. My mom says that even if ur in laws talk some rubbish or find any fault with u, just keep cool and never talk back , just act as if nothing has happenened. Just remain like a deaf and dumb person.because all this will give them an opportunity to pull up their son to their side and try to hurt ur feelings as much as possible. Once they understand that we are not inclined to start a quarrel and we are smart enough to safeguard our welfare , they cannot blow up all these small issues. I know its easy to advise but very difficult to implement it as i myself am sailing in the same boat. But nowa days to some extent i am trying to implement what my parents say though not fully. But its the truth we must first win our husbands to our side by just being sweet and very sweet to his parents in front of him because when we do this our foolish husband will think we are affectionate to their parents and hence we are not bad. When we do this for long he(hopefully) will get a good impressions about their wives. But i know even after doing all this our foolish husbands will take their parents side. But atleast it will lesson the number of times we quarrel. But when things go too much out of control we must tell our husbands that we have been patient enough and now its high time that he brings a solution to it. And even when we say that we should not fight with our husbands, because that will make him feel that we are only fighter cocks and will never listen to what we say. When his parents are away just go to ur bedroom and tell him that u have to make a sensible discussion about all this with him and then slowly start telling alll your grievences. Because girlswe can observe ourselves. Their sweet moms never at all quarrel with their beloved son and always poison his mind in a sweet manner. So even we should do the same thing and that too in their absence. though this won't fully solve our problems this might atleast ingrain a feeling in our husbands minds that we are not wicked and he has to listen to our concerns. And friends please tell me ur comments about this. Because i have been trying this approach and it slightly works though not always. I have been trying my best to tacklet this situation in a sensible mannr. just like u all even i do not want a divorce and thus trying my best to keep my family peaceful. I am sure that all these foolish husbands will never question their parents and will only question only us. Atleast god should punish these deceiving in laws and should teach them a listen. And please do keep in touch all of u. As we will learn many new ideas by sharing it with each other. And jasmine as u said, we must always be cautious about our children and should not compromise on our role as a mom and we should be exceptionally affectionate only to our kids. keep in touch girls. Tensed replied. Hi abx, Sweet, Worried & Jasmine,

I too am in the same boat as u guys. Having a lot of in-law problems, so much that I've started losing sleep and my health is deteriorating day by day. I had a love intercaste marriage. Since I married against my parents wishes, I am in such a position that I cant even discuss my problems with my parents or friends. I'm in the US and my husband is very sweet and loving but when it comes to his parents, its the same like the other husbands. Parents first, then wife. U know I get scared about the thought of visiting India just because my in-laws treat me like dirt. A girl feels happy when she knows that she's going to see her parents after such a long time but I think first about my in-laws abt. how they ill-treat me and I get scared at the thought of going to India. My every vacation in India turns out to be worse that the earlier one. My in-laws r so conservative and orthodox. I cant even watch TV in their house, they dont want me to go out to meet my friends, if my family or friends call me over there that they dont like, everytime dont do this dont do that u should not do this u should not do that. My 2 sister-in-laws poke their noses too. I'm really sick of this. I told my husband about all this and he agrees that its all wrong but still at the end of the discussion he'll say afterall they r parents and becoming old, just forget and forgive. Its easy for them to say it because they dont undergo all this but how can I forget and forgive. Its not once or twice, every time the same situation. Okay I agree if once or twice they do this, I'll keep quiet and forgive but they keep on continuing it. How can I keep quiet? I have told my husband that I wont keep quiet any longer now and cant take it. My husband said that if I dont forget everything, then it will be difficult for both of us to stay happily as we will keep on having quarrels. He has told me that whatever happens he will never leave his parents. He never tells his parents that whatever they do is wrong though he agrees with me that yeah, they did wrong to me. How will it help me if he does not tell them. They will never change. Ladies, tell me one thing, if u'll r in the US or anywhere outside India and u go to India for a visit, how many days do u stay with ur in-laws and how many days with ur parents. Whenever I go to India I am hardly allowed to be with my parents. My husband and in-laws want that I should stay more with them and less with my parents. If we go for a months visit, I hardly stay 10 days with my parents. What do u guys do???? We always quarrel about this too. Everytime when the time comes to visit India. What should I do? I cant take any drastic steps against my in-laws or husband because afterall I had my marriage against my parents wishes and now I cant see them being more hurt. They just know that I'm happy, I have not told them anything that has happened to me at my in-laws. I'm really in such a situation that if the time comes, I'll bear everything my in-laws do to me but I cant think of separation or divorce because I cant hurt or humiliate my parents any more. I hope all of u will reply and we will be in touch with each other.

Bye for now. Jasmine replied. Hi Girls -

I am so sorry to hear about everyone's sorrow and in-law problems. I concur with worried, fight and fight hard. I have been through similar situations as the all of you have here and it has taken me quite a few years and the birth of my child to learn to fight back. Why and how? I learned the my child is my and my alone and I have to show my child that his mother is not weak and she can take care of herself and she demands respect. If children see that their parents are not respect then they have no respect at all. In addition I learned that I don't need my husband as much as I need my child and I will fight anything and anyone in this world for my child. Divorce is hard and obviously the last straw but you are not alone. I am not pushing you towards divorce but don't be afraid of it because that is what kept me wrapped around my husband and my in-laws. Once I learned that I can make it on my own, I wasn't afraid of the idea and my mouth and feelings opened up. I started talking back with out any fear of my husband leaving me one day. It is his loss not my because at least I will not suffer anymore. If you think of life like this you will not get hurt.

good luck!! Worried replied. Hi abx and Sweet,

The answer is in standing up and showing to your hubbys that you are individuals in your own rights and that you are self sufficient enuff to take care of yourself and the kid if ever the situation of divorce should arise.....! Once this is made clear to them then they are bound to recoil in fear that you have a weapon in your hands that they should be scared of and not the other way around. After this sit them down and make it extremely clear to them that as this individual you have a right to be respected and also your feelings are supreme in your eyes if not in his and it is entirely upto him to accept that he SHOULD respect you and your feelings and not ignore them. Thsiofcourse is not going to be easy cos' these guys can be really thick skinned and we women are very scared about the stigma attached to divorce. The in-laws somehow are aware that a woman is weakest in her post natal stage and this is the best time to harrass her. I empathise with you girls cos' I've been thru similar situation only that my MIL played so dirty that I went all the way and asked for the DIVORCE and ofcourse then my BIL who was going thru one himself at that stage cam and sorted matters out. But this weapon of divorce that the husbands and inlaws believe they have in their hand should be somehow shown to them is the biggest myth and I belive this can only be done when you show them that you are sel reliant and if the husband wants to continue to live with you then well and good and if he doesn't then also it is his problem and not yours cos' you will prove to be better off without him......! Tuff I understand but even 2 years after my baby I was put in the situation where my husband threatened me with divorce cos' I wasn't complying with my inlaws wishes and I made it clear to him that if he was such a pussy and needed to be with his parents and could do without his wife and kid then it was his funeral and he was welcome to leave and believe you me my inlaws who were watching the fun and goading him on changed their tone and so did my hubby! Their thick skins and even thicker brains have to be constantly hammered into with these suggestions ( direct or indirect) and only then will we be happier.....The inlaw games will never go away becos despite this there have been games on a subtler scale but then after a while we also tend to get thick skinned about their subtler tricks! haahahhahahaahahahha! Hope this helps!

I have also been thru the tantrums of why pampers and why this and why that and why not old saris and lungies a whole packet of which was handed over to me cos' they wud be softer on the babies bottom.....but hey ignore them and there is lots more where they came from they will always find more to talk and trouble you about! abx replied. Hi sweet, What u say is absolutely correct. We all must learn the tactics of playing a double game, by being sweet to their lovely moms only in our hubby's presence.Their moms have already obtained a lot of experience in all these tricky acts and thus they are winning over them. Many times i too keep trying to keep track with these tricks, but after all we are human beings and cannot pretend for long and at some point we too feel like breaking out as there will be no solution otherwise. It was sad to hear about ur episode as well about the pampers issue. Why on earth should they interefere in our day to day affairs of bringing up our children. They had the chance to bring up their children and now its our turn and we are sufficiently educated to bring up our own kids.I don't know how long all this battle would continue. Even if wives bring a compromise to every issue, everything is just temporary and once again some problem or other crops up and ultimately its the girls like us who are losing our peace of mind. A day should come when they repend for all their mis deeds but will that day ever come.When will all these puppeted husbands every learn to respect their wives feelings. We only find some sort of consolation by venting out our feelings like this to our friends. Thanx for ur response and do keep in touch as our battle always will keep continuing. SWEET replied. hi abx. I can understand your feeling and mental depression especially after
you giving birth, because myself have gone through same situation like you.

my problem also because of my mother-in-law. During my confiment she always put me under pressure. always like to comment what I do to my child is wrong.especially she never allowed to use pampers(night), i tried explain to her, but she make this as big issue.
after my confiment date, i start to work,one day around 1 am, my mother-in law argue with about pampers, she insist me to remove the pampers from the my baby. but I just ignore whatever she says. Just wonder what she do after that. She wait for my husband came back already (2.30 am) and complaint about this. My husband just keep quite. and after that ask me to remove the pampers.
And that night we quarell. Just imagine I need get ready for my work at 4 am.
that day i never sleep. so many problem
because of her.

now, i just ignore whatever she says. i never talk to her. i just do whatever my heart says. I only be good with her infront of my husband.

that only solution for husband those want side their mother. Over here husband must play main role. they must know to handle wife and maother.