Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi everyone,
I had been hoping since long that my problems would get solved and kept hoping for the best and tried to bury everything within my mind. My problem started very soon after our marriage and though we stayed out of india my life is more or less only like a in laws dominated house. It all happened when my foolish husband fell a pray to his mother's sweet behaviour(which which she is not actually) and keeeps on trusting that whatever she says is correct and only what i do is wrong. Right from the beginning she tried to to put up a show saying she is like my daughter and thus both my husbands and my in laws expecatation grew day by day. My mil used to talk so sweet about me in front of her beloved son but when i spoke to her she used to talk in a sarcastic manner. I first used to bear with everything and later on when i told my husband about all this he never even believed in my words and told me that his mom is a goddess and iam nothing to him. Een when we stayed for a while for our vacation he used to run behind his mom ,hug her saying ,hai honey etc etc and used to just neglect me.And even his mom used used to enjoy all this and tried to pull her son to her side for no sin at all committed by me. Day by day all this bullshit kept growing like his mom trying to put up a show in front of him and he believing in his mothers ways. And when i got pregnant and had to go to india my husband kept telling me that u have to call my parents daily and when i called them they never even used to respond to me properly and his dad used to treat me like garbage.And then when their beloved son came to india , they tried to poison his mind and tried to pick up a big quarrel between both of us, and called my parents to their house. Instead of bringing a compromise they blew up their fight and asked my parents to get out of their house and my husband never even used to come to see me and child .And all this they did while i was inmy final stages of pregnancy and hence u all could imagine what sort of mental torture i would have undergone. And after my husband left india he used to tell me that i must visit his parents every now and then, and when i used to call up his parents my fil used to ask me why are u coming and how long u will be staying and all sorts of bullshit. And even when i said all this to my husband he used to say even if they say that u have to again and again ask them , And throout my life only this has been hapenning, they trying to insult me and me going to their house in spite of all this and even now only this has been happenning. Even now he keeps on saying that i should call them up daily and talk to them. Is there any commonsense in all this. What is there for someone to talk daily to their in laws and that too to such deceivers. Now he is trying to blackmail me that if i don;t satisfy all his needs he will give me a divorce. I have my kid and for that sake i do not want it.EVen now they have brainwashed their son saying that i should take care of them in their old age though they have other two sons and they expect it from me. And i told him that i am ready even ready for that as well. But i keep on asking to myself in what way is it fair for them to treat me like shit and expect good behaviour from me. I am really confused and desperate. I have tried venting out my feelings to my hubby but still he takes only his parents side. So far i have been living only as per wishes but slowly i have started feeling that the more i do the more he expects out of me and i don't know what's going to be end to all this. When ever this topic arises we get into misunderstanding and don't even talk to each other for one week or so, so again i only keep compromisign. In what way is it fair for me to keeps serving those people who treat me and my parents like garbage. Please advice. I am almost into a mental depresssion due to all this and i am not able to tolerate all this nonsense.
Friend replied. Hi abx, It's really nice to share our feelings with each other, I totally agree. As per your decision/dilema to visit your MIL seems to make sense. Pray God and do as HE lets you to do.

Abx, It's really amazing and feel good to know, the way you remembered things/plans of mine for this long, in between your vacation (India trip). Yes, you guessed it correct. I have got good news. I am pregnant with my second one and the EDD is early August, 2003. : )
From what I remember, you too were thinking about going for your second one if your health conditions permit, right? In fact you were saying that you will be able to decide on this after seeing your doctors in India, I think. What's your decision?! Are you going to join me and NiceMom soon?! Let's know. More later..... and do keep in touch. abx replied. Hi friend,
Good to see ur message after a long while. So now our message board is active again, and iam really happy that we all haven't lost touch with each other. I feel really good when we share all our feelings with each other.
Like u said, even i wish to go and show my daughter once to my mil. i just visited india recently and don't know what to do now. And now my hubby has already visited his mom twice at the u.s. And now we need to apply visa also to go to the u.s. So algain the money to apply visa for all of us and then the tickets. I really don't understand what's going to happen. Anyays, my hubby also is in a dilemma of taking me and my kid to see my mil.Sometimes he also says, if possible i will take u with me to india again. But i feel our trip to the u.s. will be much cheaper when compared with that of inida. Anyways, no use thinking too much, as we really don't understand what we will be doing. So i am putting all my burden on god , and only he has to decide. But as per today's situation mil caan't take the journey to india.

So how are things at ur end. How is ur daughter doing. And any good news about the second one, as i remember, that u were planning for the next.
Wiating for ur replies
bye Friend replied. Welcome back, abx! Few weeks back, just like that I came to this site/this board to see is there are any new postings and didn't see any. I was thinking after your return only, this borad will become active again and I was correct!

Glad to know that you had wonderful vacation and also you got some of your health problems taken care of.

I am also very sorry to hear about your MIL's illness. Let's leave that to God's hands and sometimes that's the only thing you can do. Are you planning to visit your MIL before she goes back to India. I think you should as she is suffering too much from her illness. Hope things in your family will turn smooth soon. abx replied. Hi friends,
I am back from my vacation and there has been a lot of twists and turns in these 3 months. I had so many health problems, that had remained undiagonised here and hence in india i underwent a few surgeries.

And my mil has been bedridden for the past 3 months. She is in a critical stage now and her days of survival is very less. My fil and all his sons wnt to take her back to india, but her situation is worsening day by day, and i feel really sorry for all her sufferings. Nicemom, did u see my offline msg. Hoope things with u all are fine, as there is no posting since long.
My daughter enjoyed her vacation and is missing my parents a lot and now since her dad is also gone to see my mil, she is right now missing her dad like anything. I feel so sorry for her.AT the saem time i feel so sorry for my mil also,and i am sincerely praying god that she shouldn't suffer much.
looking forward to see ur replies. bye abx replied. Hi worried,
I don't know from where to start. It all started yesterday, while we were browsing net. And i saw a mail from his dad giving quotes for flying from toronto to the u.s. I am not at all bothered if he flies, but the thing that irritated me a lot was his attitude of not even telling me about his trip at all. maY BE HAD PLANS OF SEEING THEM WITHOUT EVEN TELLING ME A WORD AND PRETENDING AS IF HE IS CALLING FROM OUR HOME AND ALL!!!! without even giving me a smallest hint that he is with his parents. I just left the place and did my work, and he realised that i am upset and asked about it. I very politely told him tht i have no objections if he flies , but atleast he must tell me his plans of going for the christmas.

For that without even listening to me fully , he yelled at me saying, \";i have no plans of going anywhere, what u saw was an old mail, which i deleted today(i still don't believe it) and he has no plans of going anywhere. I told him i don't mind if he goes, but atleast he must tell me about his plans, and not discuss at my back. Soon again he brought in ther topic saying \";u din't call up my parents and tell them that u r leaving. I replied very politely that i have the plans of calling them tommorrow, and tell them about my departure, even if he hadn't suggested it , i would have done it. For that he says, there is no need for u to just give them a message that u r going. U should have called them up regularly and given them updates about ur wereabouts. My foot i can't even think of it, but still i got my message to him in a very polite manner and said \";its only u 3 who have decided to boycott me completely and talk only in my absence. So in such a case how do u expect me to volunteer to talk to them. It was decided by all 3 of u and now u are trying to blame me for that. The very guilty person din't know what to talk and hence just made up a long face and quit the spot saying \";iam fed with u.\"; I really don't understand what these people think of me. Do they expect vip treatment from me, when they don't even respect me as a human being. I again made it clear to my hubby that if he wishes that i speak regularly to them , then he must start calling them from home, and not at office. Again no reply for that. I know he won't listen to me.So even i don't want to compromise. tHE MORE I TRY to please him, the more i get insulted by them. And these idiots are trying to spoil my mood to travel now.

I certainly din't over react to the sitaution and i was very very polite in my approach and very careful in delivering my words. But still if he isn't ready to listen to anything, then there can never be a solution to this problem. Now he is telling, \"; aren't u going to meet ur parents now\"; IUts almost 3 yrs since i met them and this is my first trip after coming here, and within this span of three years he has already met his parents twice, then why is the reason for him to complaint.

I got terribly upset but just stayed cool and never went back to him for a compro or anything. Then in the mmorning he himself came and patched up. I am felling so bad about all his comments. Pkease write back to me asap worried. I am leaving tommorrow. And even at this last hr, he has lots of energy to fight for his parents. Oh my god!!! bye abx replied. Hi worried,
Thanks very much for ur express response. Actaully i had typed a reply for u and due to my internet probs couldn't get it across to u. I am leaving this weekend, and hubby is already missing both of us a lot, and even me!!! As suggested by u i'll call up in laws in his presence before i leave. Thanks again for ur timely advices and keep in touch. bye Worried replied. Hey abx

You seem to have taken my advice pretty well......You did a good thing by not taking off on your hubby and you needn't have asked him to return the stuff to the shops etc.....unnecessary stuff.....he was prodding you and you got prodded....Leave him be at such times.....Just load him with praise when you get back or when you talk to him after reaching India and tell him how everyone actually appreciated his choice and how you were soooooo proud of him when you told them all that you actually selected all the stuff personally for them and they praised his choice etc.

He is not against accepting gifts from your people he was only pushing to see if you would fight with him so he could bring up other topics and fight with you.....silly guy.....but you continue like you did and you will see the change in the guy very soooooon. Your game should be to just play cool and not walk into the trap he sets for you ever so often.....So you jut keep up the good work and enjoy life from hereon. Have a good Holiday! abx replied. Hi worried,
AS u know i am flying shorly to india, and hence was doing all purchases for all my relativs. In fact only my hubby suggested what to buy and and selected everything for my dad, jeeja, brother etc. But after buying all these stuff he says, that he dosen't want anything from my reatives, i.e. anything that they buy for him. He says, if at all they buy anything for me, just say i have alot of dresses already. I got so emotional, but din't burst oout, i stayed calm and told him politely, if he dosen't want anything from relatives, then why should he buy these things for them. I told him, lets return back all these stuff to the shop, and i too won't carry anything for them, if he dosen't accept what they give him. for that he is saying that all these r your presents to ur realtives, and it wont' look nice if u don't buy anything for them. I asked him why he dosen't want anything my house, he says,\";don't start any quarrel now i don;t want to speak about anything.\"; So i too just put a full stop saying, he needn't accept everything presented by everyone, but atleast he must accept my parents present to him, and for that he din't talk back an just remained silent. But at the same time, he is selecting a lot of stuff vluntarily for my sis , her kid etc etc. So i din't feel like blasting him. And also he talks a lot about my dad now a days( unlike these many days). He says, ur dad is going to dance a lot with ur daughter and have a nice time, he will take her and show choo choo trains etc etc. So atleast i understand that he still has regards for my dad, And he syas, buy a nice saree for ur mom from madras when u go there. So when i weight all these facts i don't feel like yelling at him for what he said. But from his silence i think he will accept what my dad buys for him. See its just a question of my parents emotion. See how bad won't they feel , if i say, no my hubby dosen't want anything from u. Won't they feel offneded. But still i don't know what my hubby's reaction would be. But from his silence( as he din't talk back after that) , i think he would accept my dads present. So worried just advice me what i should do and how i must react to it. Did i do the right thing, and what should be my future course of actions etc etc. Waiting for ur reply. If my tickets confirms tommorow then i am leaving on 4th or else my will be flying after 4 days. So write to me asap. Waiting for ur replies.

And friend, glad that things are fine with u and u had a good break. I am very hppy for u. And hey tensed, where are u.\";still not settled in ur new house, or are into any probelms, as i remember u saying that ur in laws are coming shorlty. Are they with u already. . Let us know about ur welfare. bye
Friend replied. Hi everyone, I am back after a short break. I read all the messages which I missed while I was away from this board. Like abx, I am also so glad to have 'Worried' here in this board. I appreciate her valuable advice to all of us. Keep up the good work, Worried!

At my end, things are good. Like I mentioned in my earlier posting, I talked to my husband and heard that particular thing from his mouth. I mean, when I asked him, you just said because I said something about your parents, right. Otherwise you don't see any bad from my parents, Am I correct. He agreed and said, yes. As fas as I know and see, your mom is giving respect to all. That's it. That's all I wanted him to say. I knew that was what he had in his mind. But I wanted to listen that from his mouth and it happened. I am happy after that.

But the other thing I learnt is, I should be saying this and that about his parents behaviour, partial treatment..etc. to him. Instead I have decided to do the same 'Natak' what my in-laws are doing. I mean, talk to them so nicely with lot of praise but then when it comes to spending for them, doing up to the level. Not too much. (which I used to do before). That's something I learnt only now. Thanks to all of you for listening and giving me advice.

Abx, Don't postpone your trip. For everyone, the chances will not come more than once. so, make use of this and go to India as per plan and enjoy your life with your parents alone. Have fun : )

Worried replied. abx

I'm happy that I have been able to help you. You are most welcome to keep in touch and let us try n' help other DILs in this situation......I have learnt the hard way......but it would be nice if there is someone out there who I can help......

Keep smiling and have a good holiday. abx replied.
dear worried,

Read ur entire message very carefully, every bit of it. Hats off to ur ideas. I really feel a lot relieved and lighter when i read ur messages. So looks like even ur in laws just like mine wanted u to go in for counselling. But my in laws are just barking dogs, they very well know that their son is at fault, and may be even they knew very well that if they bring about so and so comments about me, then even i can break a lot of truth about my hubby and even about my in -laws indifferent attitude, and the way they insulted my parents, and so obviously i can stand a much sebsible chance to win. Thus may be they just decided to shut their dirty mouths. Those people are good at blakmailing. Initially when my hubby used to threaten me saying\"; i will give u a divorce , i used to cry like a real \";,sita\";, and only slowly i realised that when my hubby isn't lord rama, why should i too behave like sita. Let me also turn back and stand firm on my thoughts. SO after a lot of advices from my parents and my sister, i slowly learned to be a bit more bolder, after all what's going to happen. ANd slowly i started getting a bit more bolder, and tried not to react to any of his galis or blackmails. So the next time when he told me about divorce, i just remained silent and never spoke back nor yelled or anything, just told him that he has told me this at least a thousand times.
Its so funny that ur mil took u to a counsellor without even a valid reason. How on earth can these people behave so cheap. There are so many similarities in ur life and mine. Even my in laws did all this to me while i was in my 8th month of pregnancy. Somwhow these people are so cruel that don't even have any consideration that we are pregnant ladies. If the same happnned to their own daughters, would they have let this happen. all that i pray god is just to teach them a lesson for all their mis deeds.
My tickets are yet to come and my gastro intestinal problems are killing me. I am just waiting to come down to india, and realx for a while and cure all my health problems. Don't even feel like thinking about these villians. I'll write to u soon, and do keep in touch. My heart really lightens when i get some good pieces of advices from u.U are really a smart girl and have learn a lot from all ur hurdles in life about the villians. Do share all ur experiences here.So now how are things at ur end. Does ur mil behave well with u now. bye for now . Worried replied. Dear abx

Good to know that you are taking my advice and keeping cool about it. You asked whether you should give your in laws a courtesy call.....my answer is that you MUST. Look show your husband that though he acts so childish you have not forgotten your manners and can still make the necessary calls. Enquire after your in-laws and inform them very politely that you will be gone for the next so many months and that you will miss being close to them etc......I know your blood boils to even think that way but saying it will not hurt you it will rather confuse them....then ask them to take care of themselves and all this in front of your husband....politely hang up. Let your husband view all this and feel guilty about behaving like he does. You must not ask him to dial the number for you nor must you tell him before hand that you intend doing this nor must he try and tell you what to do. Make it look like you have made the choice and intend to do it your way. Look if you do this your in-laws will have one thing lesser to talk about you.

About how my things soprted themselves out for me......well how long would they have ignored me.....how long would they have wondered why I'm not calling and why I am keeping so aloof and why I am not reacting to them and their silly ways......It worked and one fine day my MIL called and broke the ice. Your husband is extremely immature and it is only this kind of behaviour that will change him so just let him be! Pretend to yourself that what is happening behind your back doen't exist. Watch the change! Just now your husband knows how to tweak your imagination and he is using it to his advantage......when you become a mystery to him the guy and his parents will be pretty much lost and they will begin to wonder where to start from.......Believe you me it works.Most of us when we get married lose that mysterious air about us and surrender ourselves completely to our husbands and believe we are doing the right thing but the mystery surrounding a woman is what intrigues a man the most and one must never forget that.

It is important for you to know that you can make a silent protest and win.....I have never brought up the topic with him and nor has he dared dop the same......I'm saying dared becos he knew he is at fault.

Look abx I have been thru the most trying times in my 31/2 years of marriage and I find it necessary to mention here that my MIL when she found I was pregnant sent me to a counsellor becos my silly hubby complained to her that I didn't quite know how to live with someone as in a marriage.....He wanted the freedom and me to give up everything and sit at home.....And I cudn't quite figure out why.....WHy shud I give up all my friends and family and life when the guy cannot do any of these himself.....so ofcourse mama's boy complained to mama that I was not ready to have a baby becos I wasn't sure abt him itself.....So I went and spoke to this counsellor woman who had been briefed my MIL and had nothing concrete to talk to me about and came out with a lot of stuff that my MIL had told her abt.....So I carefully and selectively used the knowledge and my MIL backed off! Mind you only temporarily.......I have had a really bad time with my inlaws who live in the same place as us.....the only difference is that I have my antennas up all the time and so am able to counter them much more efficiently now.

Hey they are also human and are bound to make mistakes it is up to you how you model these mistakes and make them work to your advantage. They do it all the while so why not us.....! Why are we constantly playing the punching bag?
Why must we be constantly be tread upon and why must we NOT react.......! But patience to a large extent is the name of the game and the less you react the better. Infact later if your hubby informs you that he is off to his parents place for Christmas wish him a happy journey and lots of fun for the holidays. You will stump him and ruin his holiday completely becos he will be left wondering why you did something like this......!!! Even before you leave make no mention of this but if he tries irritating you by saying he is also off and has made the arrangements then just give him a peck on the cheek and tell him that you are so happy for him and that you hope he really enjoys himself becos you are going to be soooo worried about him being by himself when you are gone.It hardly matters if you are boiling inside while telling him so......Confuse him.

Tell me if you did handle it like this and it worked. abx replied. Hi worried,
Glad to see ur suggestion the other day and hope u read about the latest developments that i wrote. As adviced by u and my parents, i am leaving as per scheduled on the first week of dec itself. I in fact thought of writing in detail to u, but due to all my health problems and other confusion couldn't do it.

As u said, i have just not spoken anything about my hubby \";calling his parents from the office thing.\"; I too just remain silent. Now i just have one question, since these people don't talk in my presence, i too don't feel like calling them back. Now do u feel its necessary for me to call them up and say them a \";coutesy -bye bye\"; before i leave for india. I am in a sort of confusion. But i am just not intrested in calling them up, what do u say. Is it wise on my part to leave just without saying a word to them. I know my hubby has told them everything about my trip. But so far even they din't have the courtesy to either enquire about that or about all my health problems. But one thing i am certainly not upset that they din't call me. But only thing is i feel is it necessary to call them up to say bye in spite of all this.

As i told u earlier i am certainly not upset that i am not intereacting with them or anything, but still u know some how i am not able to digest the thing that my hubby is doing behind my back. Its not that iam desperte to tlak to them, but the only point of irrritation is that hubby is doing everything at my back. That is what is pizzing me off. U said, even ur hubby did the same thing some time back in ur life, how did all those problems get solved after that. And how did u manage to get him into track after that, Throw some light on it.
Apart from all these, i am fully set and so delighted to see my parents. My tickets are yet to come. That's it, but i feel so happy about my trip.
Waiting for ur early reply as i am gone after a week. But i'll kepp in touch for sure even if i am in india.
Nicemom, tensed adn friend, looking forward to ur replies as well. How are things at ur end.
bye for now abx replied. Dear worried,

Thanks very much for ur very quick response. In fact this morning i spoke to my parents also about it, and asked them if they would mind if i come a bit late, say after 4-5 weeks. My parents too just told the same thing which u said. My mom said, my hubby is purposely doing everything to irriate me and asked me not to show any reaction to anything he does. She asked me just stay silent and watch the fun. Let him do as he pleases. Even if u stop him by nice words, he will somehow try and make his trip. So there's no use of me worrying about what he does, cause he can succeed only when he starts thinking of his own. My parents said, that they don't mind if i come late, but assured me nothing will change my hubby even if i postpone my trip. My dad is again emphasisisng that its only my heealth which is important, and the earlier i come, good for me, but they have no grievances if i postpone.
My mom too emphaises that only to a certain extent things could be in my control, and asked to not to even bother what he will do in my absence. But she said, whenever u come, may be dec or jan, atleast see to it that u both are not into any sort of misunderstandings, before u leave, or else as usual my hubby would start making my life miserable.

So after listening to all these advices, i too feel i shouldn't be postponing. Even few minutes back my hubby called me up and asked if he can ask the agent to send the tickets for dec 4th and i siad okay. So worried , i am taking ur suggestions and going as per scheduled. I will write again tommorrow. Bye, and thanks very much. Worried replied. Listen abx

Just let your Husband be.... He knows you inside out and like I have mentioned before he is either teasing you or he figures that by speaking like this he can hold you back! And you are playing into his hands for all this

Stop giving him the pleasure of being able to manipulate you so easily.....you should be manipulating him not the other way around. Book your tickets as scheduled and just leave without the worries of what he will do behind your back. How long will you stop him from doing what he is bound to do? You can't stop living your life based on the fact that he might meet his parents behind your back? What if he decides to go any which way and ends up spending the money you have kept aside for your trip to India..... then what happens.....I bet you never thot abt that one! The kinda guy your hubby seems to be..... he is capable of anything. So just pack up and leave as scheduled and have a good holiday and forget about your problems and worries while in India.....Don't worry abt things that you have no control over.

My suggestion once again is go to India as scheduled, have a good holiday, think about where your life is going with your hubby treating you like he is and strategise as to how you will deal with him once you get back.And how you will put him back on track.....your track once you get back.

This and only this is your way to succeed....take my word for it! abx replied. Dear worried,
Sorry i couldn't reply back to u yesterday as hubby took his day off y'day. In the meantime, i am in a sort of double mind of postponing my trip. If i stay here during christmas vacation and go to india after jan 2nd or so, then i hubby can't go to the u.s. isn't it. I was thinking about it a lot yesterday and also spoke to my travel agent that i might pospone my trip and she dosen't see any probs with it. I told my hubby about it and he asked me why all of a sudden this change in my decision, is it beause of fear tht he might go away somewhere on a trip for the vacation. I just smiled and dint talk mich about it. He told me that he isnt going anywhere for the vacation and will stay at home,and there is no need for me postpone my trip for this sake. I told him, no its not just for this reason, but i was wondering if i could spend the 10 days vacation with u and then leave u. He told me tht its not necessary for me to postpone or anything and says, that my health is more imp and i need to and see the specailists in india reg my foot pain, back pain etc etc, as i have been having a tough time with all this for the past few months.
Now worried i just have one small. Some days back i found a mail from his brother giving him a quote of various airlines to travel during christmas. But hubby says, he is isn't goiing. I don't know whehter he is just telling it for the sake of convincing me. On the other hand i don't believe his mom at all, At the last moment that lady will convince her son and make him come there. This is what i am worried about. I am worried if he would change his mind after i leave for india. That's why i am planning to go after the christmas vacations, In tthat case he can't go anywhere isn't it. What do u say.
My another small hiccup is that my in laws might come back to india in march or so.In that case i might have to spend a couple of days with them as well(in case i go to india in jan.) But if i go in dec , i can come back before march and completely avoid seeing them. i am really in a dilemma and i have to decide it very soon, as there's just a week to confirm my dec tickets. What do u advice. Please let me know asap.
Nicemom and friend , thanks very much for ur replies also, and what do u advice me about postponing my trip.
and tensed, where are u, still busy in settling in ur new house. Waiting for u come back. Worried replied. Dear abx

As I see it there is very little you can do abt you husband actually taking a loan to be with his parents during Christmas! He is completely MAD! On one hand he claims that your trip to India is costing him half the instalments on the car and on the other he is able to take a loan to make the trip......All this is being done to irritate you.

You give him a good time while you are still there and then - I know this is going to be difficult to handle - FORGET about him! He has told you calling you everyday is going to be expensive but he can't refuse his parents and is taking a loan to be with them for 10 days-Is he crazy! Anyway just ignore him and make him pay for all your shopping and everything you want to do while in India. Why should you live a pathetic life while he lives it up!

Your most important matter on hand just now is that you have to make him respect you. By living like you are you are going to get no where.Yours is most likely going to be an uphill task but you have to keep at it. Remember you cannot achieve this if you can't respect yourself. For this you must tell yourself repeatedly that you are Worth it and that you are much more that your husband deserves in a wife! Get you self esteem high and things around you will change! Stop chasing after your husband let him do it for some time now! Treat him well but know your limits and stop taking any shit from the man! Just becos he is a man he cannot treat you like he wants and get away with it.

For the timebeing there is very little you can do abt him going off to meet his parents.....just ignore the topic and pretend it never happened for the rest of you life. For all you know he is trying to tease you abt the whole thing
Worried replied. Dear abx

Your story is very simple you have a husband who doesn't respect you enuff! Like nicemom suggested he knows you will tolerate all his shit becos he knows you are dependent on him financially! Look I have been thru the same problem of his parents boycotting me when we had a small disagreement and they decided on their own they would talk to him and only him so I LET IT BE! For about 3 months or mebbe 4 I let them call their son only at the office and on his cell phone and waited and watched the fun and I made NO move to calll them either......after all boycotting me was THEIR decision. I was also aware that they were filling him up with a lot of shit about me.....but I just patiently waited. Neither did I call them nor did I ask my hubby why they never call home any more.....Nor did I ask him whether they call him at the office (though I knew all along)! Very soon my hubby forgot that his parents had a problem with me or rather tried to forget and succeeded.....and ofcourse I kept him like a King at home.....hahahaha! Treated him like he was the woorlds most precious GEM! Sick I know but I had to survive too! I knew they were calling him at work and I knew they were poisoning his mind against me But I also knew that after the hard days work he comes back to me! Not his MOM! I used that to my advantage. Its not like I never fretted and fumed at not being called etc. But I saw the positive side to the situation and used it to my advantage.

Look guys are basically Lallus at heart and they need to be treated GOOD at home and that is where they melt! Then ofcourse he may not be on your side and he may be communicating with the devil himself on the outside but he will take up for you if anyone talks bad about you. He may be the worst creature to you -all you gotta do is suck up to him and make him believe he is GOD ALMIGHTY.....and then watch the GOD work for you.

I can't hep smiling as I'm writing this cos' I can very well understand what you are going thru and how bad you are feeling but I can't understand why you are feeling so bad afterall you are not being forced to interact or talk with your inlaws and they can't hold the fact that you didn't talk to them against you.They chose the path and you like a good and obedient bahu only tread carefully on it.......!

Tell me how you fared. nicemom replied. hi ABX,
after reading the latest part of your story....i really repeat my words that your in-laws need to be kicked. (i would restrict myself saying that for your hubby b'coz after all there may be some good times you must have had with that man...!!)

i tell you abx...the part where your fil wnats your dad to give him a certificate from doc abt your mental condition is disgusting. if he carries on...i say call the cops ...atleast once on wife abuse on your hubby. doesn't your fil know abt that part of law. does that old man know abt what you rhubby tried doing!! silly man.
both those men need a hard stick now.
you are really taking a lot of shit man!! i know this sounds very harsh but just see...its almost six months since we know eachother and so many times your hubby has treated you like dirt and you have just tolerated it.

he is just using you b'coz you are financially dependent on him. thats his biggest plus point.

once that family knows that you can survive without them, they will be scared. your fil will forget abt the certificate and stuff.
on the contrary he shld be taken to the doc for torturing you so much during your delivery too.
one very imp suggestion...TRY TO MAKE SOME MONEY FOR YOURSELF, PLEASE. FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE.....PLEASE. try it in india or in canada...but do it.

only then you can give it left and right to the men.
Friend replied. Hi Worried and abx,
First of all, let me say my sincere thanks to you all for giving me some suggestions/ideas. Worried, I haven't tried your suggestion yet. The thing is when I was telling him that how his parents are doing for his brother's kid but not our kid, he moved into a seperate issue in our argument rather than discussing on the fact that his parents are being partial or not. He said that his mom told that my parents are not giving enought respect to his parents nowadays. He added that he too believes it. This is what annoyed me. Instead of dealing with current issues, he is trying to find fault with something else and totally deviate the discussion. More over because he dragged my parents unnecessarily into this whole quarrel I was very mad at him.

Finally on Friday, when he came donw to talk to me, I said we will make sure these things will not happen again and he said, you don't say anything about my Parents and I won't say anything about yours. This is how right now the fight has ended. But it's not over to my satisfaction. I want him to say that , what he said about my Parents were wrong. He wouldn't sat that again. But because right now we are in a middle of some family get-to-gather, I am not fighting with him and making thing worse. I am just waiting for a good oppurtunity to ask him about how he feels about my parents. I mean, does he think that they are not giving respect to his Parents. All I want to hear from him is NO.

More than telling him and making him understand the whole partiality thing, I am really in a mood to hear for an apolozise for what he said about my Parents. Forget what his MOM says. I just wanted him to say what he feels. You see, Friends, I can handle the fact that they are not doing or doing small for us(for me and my baby) as I have my parents to love and give for us and we will earn them in our life by hard working. But I cann't take the bad feelings he has for my Parents (which I know he hasn't) , Still I wanted to hear from him, from his mouth.

Other than waiting for a nice time to ask him about this, we are doing OK. because he patched with me first (making dosa, and talking to me about his work..etc), I decided to talk to him and I am talking now. But still inside of me I feel like a small hole in this whole patching up. But when I think of the whole things happend in the past (before our fight) and after , I don't feel a bit of him having any bad feelings about my Parents. He respects them well all the time and sends reply to them whenever my dad send him emails..etc. But because he talked bad about my Parents during the quarrel, I wanted to hear from him that he didn't mean that. Because, it hurts me you know.

Hi abx, I don't know what to say and how to give any sugesstion etc. Hope worried will have something for you. when you said, he always make calls for his parents from his work and trying to make you cheap in front of others, well I know that part as you have mentioend already in this thread. But when I read that he doesn't even speak or responds to your dad's calls I felt so bad. I can imagine how much it must he hurting you right now. I feel very bad you know. I hoep things will calm down atleast here after in your case. Take care. Catch with you all later.