Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi,
I get troubled by my sis in law's behaviour,My elder brother's wife.I had always dreamt of making my bhabhi as my sister as i dint have any.When my borther got married , i tried a lot to be good and nice to my bhabhi.I am very fank and always believe relations can be made better by mutual understanding and love.But my bhabhi behaves very differently.In front of my brother she will tell me that she loves me as her sister but when he is not there she wont even talk to me and will ignore me.If i ask her for any help she wont help me but if she ask for any help then i always do it.Once i said no then she went and complained to my brother and he came scolding me.She is verysmart in the sense that doing things differently in front of my brother and saying different things in front of him and make him beleive that she cares and loves us a lot.I always try to be very good to her thinking that she will change some day and become my sweet sister realising that i have always been good to her.She knows that i get hurt if she doesn't talk to me or behave rudely to me and she do it to make me sad.Once i offered her my jewelery to wear as she had them in locker she refused , i got hurt and she knew it.The more i try to be close to her the more she pushes me back by hurting me.I had even cried in front of her saying that all i want is a nice relation with her but she will behave more rudely with me to hurt me more.My brother also belives that she is the best and can never say anything wrong.He will scold me and my mom for not being good to her.My mom will tell me that i shd not take these things to my heart as people are not always fair and soon i will get married and will have a new life.We have financially no problems as i am working and my mom has enough money for my marriage too.My brother is also in a very good job.We all have good education .The only thing that hurts is my bhabhi's behavior.
I know that but still i will always feel sad for not having a good relation with my bhabhi as i had always dreamt of.No matter how much i try to please her she will never be nice to me from her heart. In front of other people she will show love n care for me by saying nice words but otherwise her actions are totally opposite.My mom had always taught me to be honest and true and always love near and dear ones no matter how they behave but it hurts me more and more now.Don't know what to do ? mitra replied. Hi Neha, its mitra again.
As one DIL and your friend, let me try n help you out.
First of all
- Dont get deep into things. Look at the big picture
- be positive and DONT expect returns
- learn from this and use it in your future life

So your SIL is rude when you are alone. Tries to put you down. Fine. For now, let's see what we can do. You have following options based on clear assumptions.

1. She behaves like that because she is jealous of you.
2. She behaves like that because she is basically not a loving person and she is rude naturally.
3. She doesnt like you in the house.
4. She wants to be distant and maintain her privacy.

Whatever it is, one thing is true -
you are not a permanant member of the house. You will get married. So do ur duties and get going. Your mother is right, love ur in laws when it is ur turn.

If she doesnt like you in the house/if she is jealous of you/she is rude naturally -

Most cases, bro-sis relationships after their respective marriages dont break. They need to be carried out life-long. I dont know how long your bro has been married, but a married lady understands the importance of maintaining relationships sooner or later - even if we dont like some people we have to maintain. So hope that things will set after your marriage.

Also, if these assumptions are true, the idea to be distant and good to her should yet work. Dont involve in her emotionally. Dont expect from her but do ur duty. Like you do with your colleagues ... ? You are nice to them, you help them, but you are still distant and dont cry when they leave the org. dont get moved by her behavoir. Dont hang around when you are alone with her. Dont involve in talks with her more than required, but dont avoid her too much, too. Keep the balance. Use your time for better things. If she complains to her bro about you, stay cool. If your bro comes to you because of her complaint, then accept it if it is really your mistake, if not- talk to bhabhi and bhaiya together calmly, not involving the mother. Dont blame anybody in the discussion just say u dont agree to it.

Make sure you are picking up your share of house work always. Even if you are working, dont compare. (Take my example, this is how a DILs mentality is: I am a working person but i have to manage all the house chores and I always get irritated because my MIL doesnt do anything in the house. When my SIL visits us, she stays morning till evening, and helps me little. Her visit is special because the damaad is coming, so everything gets exaggerated and i get more irritated. I am already losing my holiday, i am managing cooking, i am managing my kid, i am managing her kid's demands, i am managing hospitality for her husband, i have to complete my week's pending tasks and capture some rest - at least she can make evening tea right?)

I am just putting my picture. Check if your bhabhi is also passing thru any probs like this - do u have too many visitors and she manages them alone? Doing 1-2 things by you or your mother is not enough help. Do you guys have enough servants in the house? Does your bro spend enough time with bhabhi? Has it been long that they are married but there are no kids? Do you and your mother help her in house chores? Do you intervene her privacy with her hubby when he is back from office? Well .. is their 'private' life good enough or getting interfered by you/family (u know what i mean)? Do they go out alone for movies/outings (my MIL always accompanies us for outings and i never go alone with hubby and kid)? Was your bhabhi a working person earlier but not now so she is jealous of you? Has she been refused to work where as you work? Is there a possibility that she can go out and work?

If not any of these, I still want you NOT to carry a negative feeling about your bhabhi. When you get a chance, talk to her and tell her how you tried getting close to her but failed and ask her if u were wrong and what you should have done. Whatever she answers, accept and dont extend the discussion.

You will meet hazaar people in life with different temparaments. It is very easy to carry negative feelings for lifetime. Nobody gets anywhere with negative feelings and nor will she. I dont know if you will succeed by using my suggestions, but .....

... at least you will not regret in your life that you did not try your responsibility to set the things right.

Suggestions are mine, decision should be urs.
mitra Tony S replied. Dear Neha,
I understand how u r feeling. If she behaves differently when ur brother is not around and does not talk to u then u should do the same but do it naturally, dont make it so obvious. Keep yourself busy in your work whether it is studies or reading something or cleaning a cupboard etc. this way u will also not feel guilty of doing what u r doing. From your mails i think u r giving her too much importance saying bhabhi this bhabhi that. I think u should stop it because obviously she is 'bhav kha rahee hai'. And if it becomes too much i mean her rudeness and complaints against u then u should discuss with everyone (I still maintain my opinion). This way she wont be able to manipulate u. Also your mom is being soft with her with the fear of losing her son. This is perfectly understandable and i feel that your bhabhi is taking full advantage of the situation that your father is not there. But anyway, it is unfair if she has her way everytime as in the process she is hurting u and your mom. Anyway, pl. keep the distance . Slowly she will take the initiative in talking to u and u still be good to her but remember to keep the distance. This will also help in maintaining the relation and reduce your heartburn. all the best Neha mitra replied. neha
I agree to what Tony has said except for one thing. I am a daughter-in-law. You are not married yet and I think there is a gap in your understanding since you have not seen the 'other side' which we DILs see.

In India, normally, when a girl gets married, the basic mindset is set for in-laws and the new bride too. Basic understanding in the minds of both parties starts with NEGATIVITY.

As a girl prepares to get married, she also gets mentally prepared hearing that MIL, SIL, BIL, FIL are all bad people. If they are not actually bad, they will still be bad to you because you are a bahu. If there are younger people like SILs and BILs in the house, elder people might play tricks thru them to put down the bahu.

In short, a bahu does hear from everywhere 'better to maintain distance with inlaws'.

And you know what, even one can sometimes clearly see that people are not really as bad as he/she thought, still it is better to maintain distance in case of in-laws.

REMEMBER - Your relationship with your brother and bhabhi has to be carried for lifetime. You 3 are the ones who will maintain it. Its better to be distant-and-good than close-but-bitter.

I think your bhabhi wants to maintain distance and yet maintain relationships. i DONT think she is jealous of you. I also agree to tony that she wants to maintain her privacy.

And though not mentioned by you, I am assuming some enstranged relationship between the saas and bahu. Dont know whats going on in the minds of bhabhi, but if this problem is there, that is also a reason why bhabhi wants to stay away.

I would suggest you talk to her once when alone with her. I dont agree to one point that Tony suggested - if she lied/something then talk about it infront of family. I think this should not be done because even if bhabhi is wrong, it will be a question of her ego in front of family and she will either not agree to it, or it will create a scene unnecessarily in the house.

I would suggest let things be under the carpet and talk to bhabhi when alone, very calmly, respectfully, lovingly. Dont question her for her behavoir. Instead, clarify your intentions and ask if you are wrong in thinking so and what should you do. Listen to what she says - and try and understand the meaning behind it. dont be emotional and extend the discussion too long.

I am also a bhabhi of a nanad. But she is elder to me and got married before me. However, she stays at a 1 Hr distance from our house and we meet often. My MIL stays with us and they talk everyday on phone. I know my MIL must be telling her all complaints against me, but my SIL has always been good to me. Good in the sense - good from distance. Formal. Uninvolved. None-of-my-business types. She calls up on bday and functions, buys gifts for kid and me when required, and sits with me when we go to common marriages along with our kids (who else will we bith? the oldies?).

I also maitain same way with her. Not too close, not too far. When i visit her, i do a lot of house work and help her. But dont involve in the house or talks. If family is sitting in a room of our house talking and chatting and enjoying, i offer making tea and step out of the room. That way i also score marks for serving people, and save from discussions (and from my MILs chance to draw bullshit conclusions from what i spoke and bug me later).

I dont say your bhabhi is right/wrong. I really dont know.

All i want to say is
- its not easy to be a bahu
- also try and see if there is other side of the coin
- whatever it is, at the end of the day, better to be distant-and-good
- negativity kills relationships. Only a postive attitude can save it. Karm karo, phal ki chinta mat karo.

let us know what comes out. we all are friends and eager to hear good news from you.

mitra JointFamily replied. Neha, There is better way to deal with this. Unfortunately, you didn't mention SIL's education and work. But assuming you are better off. My guess is that she is jealous of you.

You would soon realise that years fly off in life. Things that were heartfelt, mild down and hours of crying and sadness feels just a waste of time.

It is incorrect for you to expect your SIL as your sister. Don't try to search sister in everyone. If your heart is so much full of love, find one of those unfortunates who need help and love. But there is no hurry for that and you need to be careful not to get involved with bad ones.

First, get your act together. It is important that you build on your skills, life and education. After marriage, you will have many constraints and you will gasp for time for self and to learn.

It is important to enjoy these pre-marriage years. Also, be little outgoing to be with good friends, picnics. Think more about giving love to your parents. They have done so much for you, SIL is nowhere close.

Brother? Well, most go after wife after marriage. Try to avoid clash with him and SIL.

Many children with strong family bonds, part daily life in senior years, even though love continues. Once you get married and have kids, your life changes.

What about SIL as sister? Well, once she notices you are kind of role model, she will start eiher respecting or being submissive to you. Not sure if she will love you as sister. She maynot be looking for or needing a sister. But if she is good natured, she will soon assume you as sister. I don't think she is acting for now. She has to be nice with you in front of others and especially your hubby, against her wish.

In short, reduce your emotional involvement in her, without losing your respect to her as SIL! Try to learn her positives, forget negatives and move on.

Regards Tony S replied. Dear Neha,
From your mail it looks like your bhabhi wants to keep the distance from u. Why dont u respect that ? Yes i understand it will be disheartening to do it as u have dreamt of a nice bhabhi-nanand relationship like a sister-sister one. But let me tell u one thing no matter what in laws will always be inlaws - never try to be so close to them like the ones u see in serials. All that is a fairy tale. Dont share precious things like jewellery etc. Your bhabhi must have been scared to borrow it from u with the fear that what if she lost it or something ? so i think it was sensible of her to do that. I feel u should focus on the nice things about her and not get too close. She might feel that u r intruding into her privace - She might be scared u know like all married girls are about their inlaws. SO be nice to her and dont expect too much love from her like a sister. But if she is being rude or dishonest or is lying then u must discuss this in front of your brother and mother with her also around without accusing her but saying that bhabhi u said this i was a little hurt. actually i like u but u know this is my problem. please help me solve it. thanx and so on. So be focussed on your own thing and dont think too much about your bhabhi. She wants to maintain a decent distance i think that is perfectly understandable. Getting too close sometimes spoils relationships. all the best.