Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi I really want to vent out my frustration. I live in a big city in USA with my inlaws and BIL's family for a long long time. I am so frustrated it is beyond words. I try to explain my husband he turns a deaf year to whatever I have to say abt his family. He and BIL are so devoted to there parentds it is beyond words. They are merely puppets in my in laws hands. My hubby tells my MIL to not do any work at home. So when I come back from work I have to clean dishes cook etc, I have absolutely no life. I am merely a servant. And to top it all I do not have children. I cannot tell my parents as they are unwell. In laws eat the food and I have to do the dishes that is so ridiculous. And FIL comes from a totally different world he thinks women have to just work. I have fought and raised my voice many many times but to no avail. I have pleaded with my hubby and done everything but have not got anywhere by doing so. I feel till the time I die I will be only washing there dishes and cooking. I must have really done some bad karma to deserve this shit. Anybody in my kind of situation?? ann replied. hi riya
I'm also suffering from same problem. The only difference is that my husband is married and all his siblings are unmarried. My husband don't want to move out. I'm also working but when I reach home I hace to help my mil in kitchen work. My husband's sister is also there, but she never do anything. When I reached home, my mil will never go near dishes. I have to do everthing. I'm working and my husband is working too, but we can't spend a single penny upon us. I very frustrated with my life. i don't know why I'm compromising. But it has become my habit to avoid confrontation and please others. La replied. Can't you seperate and get your own place? Can't you somehow do that? It is so much better when you have your own home. I lived with my inlaws for 10 months and it was not such a good experience. I am assuming you can't move out. That sucks. If you can, do it. Cause I think moving out is the best thing. Situations like that don't really change. Unless you somehow make yourself unavailable then maybe your ML would take on some of the chores. I am in the US too by the way. What state are you in?

saheli replied. Hi guys,
I am in the same boat. But I have taken control of my life now. I have realized that I am only going to live once. I won't get another shot at living so can't spend my whole life waiting to live....
My mil wants complete control on kitchen. She does'nt like if her son cum husband eats food cooked by me. So I am like if thats what you want to do then cook for all of us. I just disappear on weekends with my kids to some activity or the other. I don't even take my husband along with me coz she has a problem with that too. Weekends she expects me to cook but I just take my kids and do something and eat out basically. I don't rely on my husband for my fun... Earlier if I had any desire, I use to look towards my husband to fulfill. Now I declare openly what I like to do and do it myself. If I want to eat out, I declare loudly that I want to eat in such and such restaurant.. Anyone else interested.. And if not I just take my kids and go eat there. I am like if you guys at such an old age never shy away from expressing your desires then why should I?
Nobody wishes me on my birthday for so many years, so I just get a cake and cut it myself along with my kids. I go to spas and get myself treated nicely the day I feel somebody my husband or my mil treated me bad.
Anytime he hurts me, I decide in my heart, he needs to pay for it. So I just go and get a dress or get a pedicure etc. I don't tell him anything. Ofcourse when the bills come, he fumes but I don't care anymore.
I have made up my mind that anyone who hurts me will pay for it - in cash or kind...
So I just spend more on myself the day I am upset. If my hubby screams then I am like for my mental sanity I had to do this.
One good thing is that I work so I just enjoy thoroughly at office.
These people are shameless. Don't look towards anybody for help.. Help yourself. This is the deal you got so deal with it in the way you find best.
When you are tired just declare openly that you are too tired to cook. Don't worry about wasting money coz anyway if u don't spend, it will be spent on them.
Stop trying to please anyone. Its impossible to please anybody. Just do what you like to do.... Don't stay homes on the weekend. Join a course or just go sit in the library or do something.
Be fearless. He is not going to divorce you if you want to go to library... If he is angry then too bad. Let him deal with his anger. Leave him alone. He will come back. Let him sulk alone. They deserve that...
If you want a good time, just go have it. Don't worry if your husband is there or not..
Take Care and good luck!
Saheli Sameer replied. Hey Ria ,
Kool buddy ... afterall it is your own family , i think u must make your MIL realise how busy and tiring your day is but in a very polite way ... seems u have created alot of gap between you and your MIL...try to get close to them and see the difference... krithika replied. i know how frustrating it is.i was in a similar situation but for me it was my MIL and SIL.my husband was blindly looted in front of me and wat ever wrong happened was because of me ,my mil has the habit of calling me names and obviously my husband turns a deaf ear.if i tell him he wld say i have to adjust. she is old and cannot understand,that i being young shd adjust...i was seven mnths pregnant with my son and thght it was better i go back to my mum's place and never come back .the doctor thght tht after delivery i wld go neurotic.but lately i have realised that our hubby's are not so dumb they are carefully watching every thing ...it is goin to take some time for them to understand that we are being treated like dirt...
but one good thing ria is that u have the kitchen to urself....mostly no mil will give the kitchen to anybody coz it means that they have lost power.here that is your plus point,cash on it.don't tell ur husband that u are so tired and nobody bothers....just tell him wat all u did as if they are such gr8 achievements after ur tiresome day at the office.if u can manage for 6 mnths he will think u are an achiever.
he will respect you and not only him u can build up your relationship with your fil.they are the easy ones to please and all u have to do is make them their favourite food.
then, if u tell u are unwell and cannot manage, it will be a big issue and they will wait on foot and toe just wait and see.
i know six mnths is a long time and anybody with sense wld just lose the plot within a day....but it worked for me, it worked for my frnd too.she was the one who told me how to handle it all...i can tell you ,u and me are better...her mil was a monster who threw her out when she had a 11 day baby and her husband was just watching his mom ...but now things have changed.
just always remember they are clever and we can outsmart them only by goin in the same way!just try this for a month and let me know how u r coping.
common yar we have crossed so much and come this far,just coz of few people if u think we are losing it all then remember just this \"; they are not worth it\";. soul replied. hello i just wanted to vent too.. i really cannot stand my mother in law.. she is a monster in law.. i feel that she is in love with my husband as she is not very happy in her own marriage... she is a sick woman and wants to be in control of everything... i just hope i get peace of mind and not get affected by her so much... replied. Ria,

You should be happy that atleast you work. Imagine toiling the whole day at home and also seeing their faces and listening to remarks. These people will never change. I too get irritated when I see my husband and his siblings behave like kids with their parents. I am just a mute person at home. But when I go out, I talk and mingle with my colleagues. Its like a split personality.