Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi,

Writing to this board for the first time. I have been married almost 4 yrs now. It was a love marriage well accepted by my in laws but also by my parents coz they wanted me happy. My MIL was good before i was married.But once i came to their house she started showing colours. I found out that she was very greedy and mean. She likes to control everything and my husband is a pet in her hands. I suffered a lot due to this coz my upbringing was totally different. She is very money minded and i also have a younger BIL who supports her. Three years went by in tears for me coz i was not so strong to face evrything. MY husband and myself used to fight because of them and sometimes he has hit me too. I always hoped that things wud be fine one day therefore did not plan for starting a family. Then we had to come to germany and still my MIL interfered in all our matters. Our(my husband's and mine) relationship is not getting well as i can never forget the pains i had in his family. i feel very depressed and have started having health problems like delayed periods. I want to change my lifestyle but somehow cannot do it. please help me out if someone faced the same problem. kruti replied. In excatly the same sitn as you in three yrs of marriage with my inalws and two BILs. over the past few months i have had a host of health problems. actually found it very difficult to talk out as hubby used to shout back, paretns used to get worried and friends cud not help. at inlaws place thye almost decided that i shud see a psychatrist all for their behaviour and my health suffering as a consequence. my paretns talking it to them made things worse as they didnot want to understand and felt they are beinginsulted. Going seperate is the only solution i think will work. and i have been working on it. spoke to my husband quite a no of times he listened, argued, shouted , threatened, did everything he cud. now got my uncle to act as a mediator and speak to my hubby. praying for the best now with crossed fingers. just sharing my exp with you may be it will help u think out a soln or atleast make u feel better that there are many who are in this sitn Sunny replied. From Sunny -

I have close relatives with similar situation. I understand your pains. Your situation is sensitive. Severe mistake will distroy the home. Think carefully and decide actions. Giving advise in bullet list to shorten typing! (may sound insensitive to you, but isn't)

1. Many others are in worse situation. Feel lucky for your assets.
2. Time is cure. 4 years isn't long yet. Your hubby loves you and will support you forever, if you act reasonably.
3. Hubby is son of MIL. Being in her shoes, difficult to accept son going away from her. Same for him. This must be new experience to them as well. There is reason for her to try to take control but will eventually accept your scope of authority.
4. Greedy and mean - MIL must have been unreasonable at times to establish control, hence you feel so, but may not be her nature.
5. Everyone is money minded..some are more..some are less...depending on past experience. Believe me, when you are pennyless, you realise the importance of each penny. It is not wrong, but yes, one can earn more and spend more!
6. Hitting is bad. But differentiate hitting due to frustration versus disrespect. Hitting happens at times. If it painful or disrespecting, inform your hubby so and not to do that again.

Advise:
1. Stop thinking about past. Look in future on what you want to do.
2. Forgiveness is greatness. Don't try to be tit-for-tat and have last word on arguments.
3. Find someone whom you can help! May be, some poor who needs money for education/ good. Students whom you can advise etc.

I am sure things will be improve for you over time with some effort.

Good luck! Write again if you want to know more. My BIL was in similar situation and things have improved.

Sunny