Relationships  Discussion Forum

my husband is very very nice and i love him a lot and so does he. i don't want to spoil our relationship because of inlaws problems which was spoilt to the level of separation early in marriage due to husband brainwash by his parents. but it got wonderful when we moved out.

so i have a few questions:

1) how do you make your husband realise that the inlaws really insult the wife and her parents, its not a story or being over-sensitive. its only that they do it in a very diplomatic way, not directly, and not in his presence.

2) husband is taught wrong things about the wife and her parents. how to avoid his being taught by inlaws. why can't he act like an adult and think through his brain? i lose faith in him when he does this and i lose the respect i have for him when he acts so immature.

3) how to make husband understand that his parents are unnecessarily sending him on guilt-trips and he should realise that and stand-up for himself and not act irrationally?

4) how to deal with inlaws when they deviously ask for small gifts from girls' parents on the pretext of traditions and never even for courtesy give anything to the wife or her parents - its insulting.

5) i can't pretend like my co-sister who is very chaalu and has buttered my inlaws very well. i can be simple, respectful and genuine, but not pretentious. should i change? when they hurt me by not taking care of me, or ignoring me, should i keep quiet or politely and jokingly inform them that i was hurt?

6) why do inlaws want that DILS should severe all ties with her family and friends? how to tell them that i would NOT heed to this expectation to satisfy their false egos?

7) they think that we should keep sitting with them all the time when we visit and not even move out for casual or necessary work. even during the first week of our marriage, we were frowned at for going outside, however important the work might have been. we were generally frowned at for all things right from morning till night. they kept an atmosphere of sadness in the house. and husband ended up feeling guilty, scared and started acting according to their whims and fancies and got really confused and fought a lot with me and behaved irrationally.

8) MOST IMPORTANTLY, HE COMPLETELY CHANGES IN HIS PARENTS PRESENCE. HE FEELS GUILTY FOR SPENDING TIME WITH MY FAMILY, OR GOING OUT WITH ME, OR ENJOYING WITH ME. HE STARTS THINKING LIKE HIS PARENTS. EACH MORNING, HIS MOTHER SITS WITH HIM FOR AN HOUR OR SO AND LECTURES HIM. AND THEY GENERALY SIT IN A CORNER AND SAY THINGS IN A MANNER THAT WE ARE DOING VERY WRONG WITH THEM. AND HE LISTENS!!!!!!!! AND THEN BELIEVES THEM AND WANTS ME TO ACCEPT THAT I AM WRONG.

what should i do coz we really love eachother. but he still believes that i am wrong in my thinking of standing up for myself, not buttering up, and being in touch with my family, which according to him is a lot more than desired (coz of his parents lectures).

what should i do? wellwisher replied. Hey Rashmi,
What to do, I learned it the hard way. I was totally devoted to my husband and inlaws(even bil's & sil's) untill they turned on me, when i wanted support.
I learned that inlaws just think dils are commodity-no feelings.
So now I dont do anything wrong,bad or harmful but i put my needs first.
I dont advise anything wrong to my husband but i make sure he is a good husband first and then everything else. Esp. now that i have a kid.
When i was pregnant my inlaws would always brainwash my husband and talk bad stuff about my pregnancy.
They didnt let my parents live with me even though it was for my pregnancy & so I just forgot everything after that.
So if i get any chance to help any good DIL to save her life, I will help. Good luck. Dias replied. Hi Rashmi,
I'm very happy (I Curse my sadism ,but what to do,yaar) that I'm not the only one in the wolrd with the exact problem !Except 7nth point every point exactly was telling my situation ...As if I wrote that!!!Really all these days I was feeling ,no husband is like my loving poor husband who's spoilt his good relations with my parents with all the obvious brainwash from his mom.I cannot change his hatred towards my parents because I dont know what exactly he heard!! Me and my hubby were really loving and good Jodi to all the peopl around me.And he is really good to me in all ways except his parents.He never accepts/believes any complaint from me but then why cant he avoid complaints against me and my parents?!I'm losing hopes that one day he'd find my honesty...And be supportive to me! He believes that my parents spoilt me and taught something against his parents...But fact is they r really pretty good and tells me to be in good relations...However,Now all I want is some day my husband would realise who is at fault .He feels his mother is supreme good mother in law.But I'm not good Daughter in law.I know what the fact is! wellwisher replied. The thing with marriage my dear is that his parents have spent all these years with him, and you are a newcomer. Therefore no matter how much he loves you, he still is their son & will listen to them & also willingly get brainwashed.
It will atleast take half the time of the amount of years he has been with them to be moulded into your love and beliefs.
Unless if they do something totally stupid, there is no miracle cure to getting husbands to see the \";light\";.
So do the following meanwhile,
1) Try to find ways to reduce his time with his parents lecture. Whenever there is any gathering be with him as long as possible. Never let there be any one on one time.
2)Always praise his parents,talk good about them and never talk bad to your husband.
3) Tell him that you respect his parents but if you feel bad since he is your everything, who else will you go and tell your feelings too and then convey whatever hard feelings you have.
4)The guilt trips are part and parcel of being a son, so just let him bear that. In time he will get tired and blow up. Just be there to pick up pieces once this happens.
5)Dont change and become maskabaazi person, just be yourself and relax.
6)Ask your parents to not give any importance and stop giving anything. Tell your inlaws, that you dont believe in all that and also your parents dont either. Once you are married into their house you are not to take anything from your house anyway. Plus if any tradition has to be done then they will do for soninlaw (your husband) this should shut them up.
7)Keep your ties with whoever you want just dont bother informing them about your schedule.
8)Trying to keep track of our time and not wanting to let you guys spend time is to ensure reducing closeness. Becoz they fear if you guys get connected too much he might forget them. So dont let them succeed and make as many plans as possible & make him do the plans so that you can not be held responsible. When you guys go out, give him lot of attention, no complaining. Praise him, make him so happy that he plans to go out more and more. For eg: hint on sex after you guys get home etc.
9)Let him listen, and once he comes away from his mom just be all happy and praise him and make him his fav food. Just dont discuss his mom or what his mom told him(as if it didnt happen) then get intimate,have sex and just plain make him so glad to be out of that mood that he totally forgets everything his mom said.
So next time his mom is chattering away he doesnt get anything in his head. Do this 4,5 times and he will reduce his lecture time with his mom guaranteed.
Just dont ask anything about what his mom said.
Now if ever he comes from his mom's lecture and tries to make you feel bad or complain to you. That day dont talk to him, let him one feet near you.
So eventually he will get his head in order.
The biggest step he has taken is seperating and make him feel that he took a good decision. He is guilty so dont let him down. By keeping him happy, he will be glad with his actions and support you. Otherwise he will feel that he took such a big risk and you are not appreciating him. So be careful & have a great life.