Relationships  Discussion Forum

hi friends,

I am a well educated married woman with a 2 year old son. We lived with my in-laws for the first year and then my husband got posted out (he's in airforce). Please don't consider me to be materialistic. the problem that i am about to write is that these things hurt me, and i want to change these things coz i find these actions really insulting.

My problem is that i feel very hurt when my in-laws don't gift or send \";ANYTHING AT ALL\";. to the level of being really cheap. Even on birth of their grand-son, they did not give a SINGLE thing. They never sent anything for me till date (5yrs). even on my first karva chauth or my pregnancy, they didn't send anything, even as a token. they send little things for their son at times (that too if he asks, which he seldom does).

But on the other hand, they always indirectly demand little things from my parents and my parents, out of decency, and since its too petty a topic, send those things, either to us or to them. and inlaws take pride in belittling them in such things - showing they are ladka walas. I feel very bad. i feel that what sort of a family have i been married into, especially, when my family is so cultured and well-mannered with a far better standard of living and outlook in life (i'm not being biased, its a fact). husband doesn't say anything at all at their cheap and shocking actions. and i don't even want to touch the cheap topic. i'm not even sure if he notices this or minds this or not.

secondly, they act very miserly and cheap in day-to-day life with us, whenever we visit them and when we lived with them for a year. even with their own son, they behave in a very miserly way in which no parent would behave. you can well imagine how they treat me and my son then. i feel suffocated and cheap living like this with them. yes we are far away, but all know what telephones can do to people's lives. both of us earn well, so it doesn't interfere with our expenses. but when you live in a joint family and go out together, or talk, the everyday miserly behaviour on their part really hurts. because they know, i don't say anything or demand anything, so they completely over-ride me and treat me this way. i don't say anything coz i feel, 'aissi baat kaissey kahun, aur kya kehna aissi neechi baat'. but such behavior really hurts and leaves me shoked. i'm not mentioning the usual ill-treatment that a bahu undergoes, i too underwent quite a lot and right now, i'm not mentioning that for the moment.

pls dont advise to ignore and turn a deaf ear, i have been doing so for the past 5yrs, it hasn't helped. i really feel violated when they treat us like this and make my hubby feel guilty and bad with their unnecessary self-pity. plus, the mean ways in which little things are demanded. all this really hurts. btw, they are pretty well off, with a good income. what do you think should i do? i want to change this and not just ignore this, the way i have been doing so far. so please don't advise to ignore such situations and move-on. so please suggest some real action points, i would really appreciate that coz i want to teach them a lesson now and show that i'm not a fool.
tit for tat replied. Hello Tanya,
i think this is how most in-laws behave in india. they think that by giving birth to a son they have gained access to a bank balance which will never dry up and that they had made him in such a position that he earns so much and so all that he earns belongs to them.. and they have completed all their responsibilities by making him what he is and so they dont have to give or do anything now.
I myself have suffered much more and know that it hurts.. i have pursuaded my husband that we need that money for our old age and our children and our life now.. and have asked my parents not to ever give anything to my in-laws on the pretext of a tradition or anything..
so now, we arent giving them anything and so dont expect anything from them. off course they will not take that coolly.. they said some bad things and all.. but at least i dont feel bad and used of everyday.
I hope after sometime they have to accept us as we are.. and so will not demand anything ..
Be strong replied. I totally know what you are talking about. For such people, it is just take and take & no give. And it is not like we want anything,just to show that they care. After all the grandkids want to feel like their grandparents care.
Here is what i did, I first of all explained my husband that this is a big issue for me. My parents are loosing all respect on them & so am i. This kind of made my husband a little insulted on behalf of his parents. At first he didnt believe his parents are like that, but then long, long time later they blurted out something related to wanting something from my parents.
Anyway, you should first make your husband understand that this is pathetic & his izzat will also go down in your eyes. Secondly stop your parents from giving importance to any demands(small or big) My parents didnt listen to me thinking i was over reacting. But i told them if they care about me and my marriage they have to.
That took some time, but eventually my parents listened to me.
And finally I started telling my inlaws that what they are asking for is available in india & that their other sons can get it for them etc. Depending on what they would ask.
It is a slow, steady & strict way of behaving. But after 7 years of marriage, now my parents in law so badly want to get their respect back in the eyes of their son that if anybody is coming to US they send stuff for my kid & husband(of course nothing for me) but who cares.
My husband gets it that they still are silly to ignore me but believes me that they were all mean, cheap & materialistic. And also is sorry that my parents had to go through all that. So stick to your principles & dont think you are materialistic. Because if it was just them expecting stuff from your husband it was one thing, but from your parents is wrong & not caring for your child is also pretty stupid. Hope this helps.