Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi All,

I found this site accidentally a few months ago and read some of the stories of the daughter in-laws with both sympathy and empathy. This aspect of Indian culture where the majority of daughter in laws are treated like outsiders is just a horrible and backward part of the culture. Some people may say that I am generalizing by saying this, but from the majority of the posts and my own personal research, I have come to the conclusion that the daugher in law does suffer by living in a joint family in one way or another.

My story is no different. I was born and raised in Canada and live in a joint family with my Indian born husband and his family. Both my parents are Indian, so I'm indo-Canadian and probably much more traditional in some ways that born and raised Indian girls. I'm certainly not an angel but I am a very compassionate, fair and nice individual. I have done my best to try to make things work and ensure that we were all happy. In fact, I saw this as a challenge and personal goal to have a harmonious household. Well, it didn't work. What I have realized is that I will always be treated like an outsider and looked down upon. There's nothing anyone can do about it.

The ironic thing is that the inlaws believe that they are the greatest in laws in the world. My MIL has said some horrible demeaning things about me over these last twelve years since I've been married. Apparently, I'm not tall enough, thin enough, not educated enough, not cultured enough, hair isn't long enough, am not religious enough, do not smile enough, do not cook and clean enough and have too much fun. This list goes on an on. The tricky part of this is that she has ways of saying things and then turning around and saying, \";I didn't mean it that way, you took it the wrong way\";. I don't know how to take comments that she made to her sister such as \";she never uses soap when she bathes\"; and \";she's so uncultured\"; in any other way than how they are said!

Anyhow, the comments are petty, it's the deeper issues that frustrate me to no end. I have to run now, maybe I'll write more later, it really is therapeutic. JointFamily replied. JointFamily here.

I disagree. Well, I agree that there is a problem and remains unsolved, I disagree that it cannot be solved quickly!

My analysis is different. In many cases that I know, primary reason being hubby's taking no-stand, \";no-comments\";, type role and leaving it to wife to gain position of dear-one on own. That works in few cases only.

If hubby in some way makes it clear to in-laws that while he loves and cares for them and wants to be a good son, he is hurt everytime you are treated outsider or unfairely and everytime he will be an inch away from them, most in-laws start responding and then it is only a matter of time to develp closeness.

There needs to a threat of separation if someone does not respond.

As in some cases, much time and hurt has taken place, it becomes difficult. If one is ready to forget past and make new effort, first thing to do is to pull your hubby in the solution!
Inna replied. Hi Canadian Gal,

I don't think there is much that we the DIL's can do to change the mindset of the ILs. They are that way and nothing can change them. The worst part of indian culture is as you said the DIL is always an outsider. Now make it 2 years 20 or 100 years, this fact is not going to change. The best you can do is ignore them and live your life.

Believe me you are living with them in these conditions but ILs can make their DILs and also their own son's life hell living 10,000 miles away.

You did not mention how your husband treats you and if he is good to you it is much easier to ignore all these things. The problem becomes worse when he takes ILs side and proves you wrong.

Another thing, are you working? It is much easier for a working gal to ignore the ILs comments and treatment as she doesn't get much time. But you can ignore only upto a certain extent and have to take action after that.

About me, ILs don't live with me but can make hubby and me fight just by telling him sth over the phone. I work so I ignore all their comments and don't have time to think about all the things they say abt me or my parents. Seriously, I don't even care anymore. I know they just want to pick on me and my parents and try to make thing worse for everyone.

I hope they can understand that they are not only making their DILs life hell but also making their own son miserable. After all, he is married to this gal and most probably than not is going to spend the rest of his life with her. I just wish they can undestand this and cut the cord.

Inna. Poonam replied. Hi
Its not new thing you have written. Almost every girl who is staying with her parents-in-laws must have gone through all this. And let me tell you that it is not indian mentality , its women nature. Not the in-laws, but it is the relation which is bad. If it is these small things what you have written i.e. about cooking, looking and culture etc. , then it is better not to respond. Accept that you are like this, so what?? Do what you feel good to all and don´t hope that they will reward you. If you don´t hope, you ´ll not feel bad. Accept that they are your in-laws, they will behave like this only. Don´t expect them to behave like your parents. This is difficult but with practice you can do this.
All the best. Rashmi replied. Hi Canadian_girl,

I understand totally how you must be feeling. You are right that Indian culture is very regressive in the treatment of women in general.

I salute you for your courage in trying to be positive and in working to make things work and that too for 12 years. I would like to know what \";coping techniques\"; you have used over the years.