Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi Everyone,

I am new to IndiaParenting. I am only 22, and single, and i was reading this crap. We are in 21 Century, wake up.
Stand up for your right. I am not saying that you don't respect your in-laws. I love my culture and valus, I respect my elders. But it doesn't mean, they make your life harder and harder.
Just make it clear to them.
Sorry if i said something wrong.
But I think that way, women have to be strong
So please whatever it is, make it clear to your in-laws.
That's all i have to say. I said that, Because I felt really bad for all of you. Instead of complaing, try to solve the problem.
Good Luck to all of you
Let me Know if you guy have any questions
I will try to give you advice

Don't take me wrong or anything.
Bye
deepu replied. hi

i am alone in this big world, i want make some firneds.
America replied. Hey! Don't listen to them. I know your message clearly has positive intentions for those who really want to listen and change their situation. Some just don't see it and are portraying their own dilemmas in a simple message you gave. So I hear you.

The only thing is all these situation are complex and there is no clear cut solution. Its different for every woman and taking action to alleviate their inlaw problems has different consquences for each of them. When a clear soltution to some situations may be to leave the husband alltogether when its clear he will not change nor his family and the crisis and gap grows bigger everyday, some women still can not just get up and go. It depends on the woman and her values and so many other factors. Some women are stuck in their marriages for the sake of saving family honor or name, or being financially dependent on the husband, or having children and needing to stay, or having hope that things will get better one day, or having so many years into the marriage they don't want to give up and lose everything, etc.

In my situation, I have learned to not have children and finish my education before having kids. Why? Because my life right now can accomodate that and I am not sure I want to be with this man for the rest of my life because of our incompatiblity and his terrible family. I have unsupportive parents who want me to stay and so I have to work hard and get on my two feet before I am ready to leave. And leaving may not be the best choice, but sometimes its the only choice that clearly works to eliminate the problems you are having with inlaws/husbands.

So I understand your post. Definitely actions speaks louder then words or hidden pain. And I know you were not intending to say anything mean or negative in your post. At least you care and at least hopefully YOU WILL be that good sister in law to your brother's wife (if you have one) that we all dream of and wish we had.

Thanks for caring. RR replied. NoEntry.. i hope you dont have to face all the problems that we are facing!!
saying that talk to them and solve the problem itself shows that you have no idea whats goign on in our lives.. do you really think that we didnt talk to them and do you really think that we like speaking ill about our ILs..
See, putting on the net is our individual decision.. maybe type of seeking counseling by which we can get some help or just vent out our anger so that we feel better!! So, if you dont like it dont come here and read it!!
Lastly, when you couldnt take small comments from these girls .. then how will you manage with your so called respectable elders !! please make yourself more strong and all the best!! Inna replied. NoEntry, you have no right nor business to first of all post such a post here. Secondly, you say its all crap and still you try to give us advice. Don't you think there is something wrong in the picture here.

Another thing let me mention here ... observing families which have such problems or listening to such stories is MUCH MUCH different from living in the situation!!!

All the DILs here don't need any sympathy, they are brave enough bcoz they are facing these problems in their lives in everyday basis and are still going strong in their lives.

Not much needs to be done if you want to break a family, but if you want to keep a family ... it takes alot. These women have sacrificed so much in their life that you would never understand. No one can understand unless they are in that situation.

I am sure you have read enough \";crap\"; from me this time. In the end, we are not taking you \";wrong or anything\"; but no one in this group needs your advice or sympathy. So please just keep \";entertaining\"; yourself with others misery.
Canadian_Girl replied. First of all, don't you think your original comments were mean? You specifically stated that you were reading crap and all the women who wrote the 'crap' should get with the 21st century and quit 'complaining'! How is that to be taken any other way other than mean, callous and insensitive? As for what you will do and won't do after you get married, I wish you all the best. I hope that you can resolve any issues that arise without ever 'complaining' to anyone about it. But if you do find yourself in a situation where you can't talk to anyone but your keyboard and a distant forum on joint family issues, I won't judge you at all.

The reason many women come here to unburden themselves is because they have great respect for their families and do not want to air their dirty laundry for all their family and friends to see. Here, it can be done anonymously, and no, the whole world does not know who you are and where you are from. Many women, including myself, do not even discuss these problems with our families for fear that they will be hurt. Surely, you must have some appreciation for that. So, instead of looking down on women in these situations, you should try to appreciate they are managing their lives as best as they can.

As for bad language etc, I don't condone it, and isn't this a case of the pot calling the kettle black? You have used the 'F' word in your post! How do you feel about that? Also, I certainly don't think that I'm somehow superior to you. It was your original message that conveyed that very message, that somehow, you were better able to cope with these issues than the women who have posted on this site, that somehow, your way of thinking and being was superior. So, my question to you is, who do you think you are? Are you well equipped to give such advice. HOw about some support and encouragement instead?

Maybe my original message was harsh, but come on, admit it, what do you expect? As for minding my own business, I totally was. It was you who stepped into an unfamiliar arena and offered some very naive comments (and insulting too I may add).

Finally, I thought the movie NoEntry was hilarious, if that means anything to you at all. If you have anything else to say, then let's keep it civil.

Best Regards,
Cdn_gal Canadian_Girl replied. I forgot to adress NoEntry's comments regarding 'reading this crap'...why the heck are you reading these posts in the first place? If it's such a pile of crap, why would anyone in their right mind expend time and energy on reading the posts anyhow?

And what's with the name No-Entry? Did you name yourself after the Bollywood movie?

Anyhow \";Sorry if I said something wrong\";...NOT!! Canadian_Girl replied. No-entry, with all due respect, I think you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. First of all, you are single, so without any experience in marriage or joint family relations, you have no standing to be giving away advice. Secondly, you are only 22 years old so how can you possibly emphasize or understand the plight of married women living in joint families for years on end? Don't judge anyone unless you have walked in their shoes.

Not every problem has a solution, and not every clarifying message is met with full understanding. This is a fact of life. Your comments regarding \";instead of complaining, try to solve the problem\"; are both condescending, as demonstrated by your tone of talking down to someone and naive in that your comments demonstrate that you really do not understand the complexities of living in a joint family. As for 'complaining', people do have the right to air legitimate grievances anonymously and without judgement.

If I do have any questions, I certainly would not pose them to you little girl, as you've already demonstrated your inability to empathize with those seeking to unburden themselves by sharing their stories.

And for all you daughter-in-laws out there...don't let anyone ever minimize your concerns and your feelings. It's bad enough that the in-laws do it, we don't need it from 22 year old, single strangers. We all know that it is next to impossible to be fully frank with the in-laws (as NoEntry suggests) and it is equally difficult to walk away from a marriage and children because of these issues. I'm tired of people who don't understand giving useless and essentially patronizing advice. If NoEntry had been a daughter in law living in a joint family with great success, then I may have put some stock in her message. As for being in the 21st century, all I can say is the passage of time into the age of progression has certainly done very little to better the conditions of living in a joint marriage. None of the restrictions have eroded with the passage of time...so why is the onus always on the daughter in law to 'get with the times' and assert herself? Believe me - an overly assertive or aggressive personality only mean that the problems begin sooner rather than later. This is my valuable piece of advice to you NoEntry.

For all DIL's, I say work out, look your best at all times, educate yourselves as much as possible, have one or two really great friendships, raise the best kids possible, rediscover your dreams and pursue them - despite adversity. Think of your ultimate goal as being able to live the best life you can and being a great role model for your daughters. Give back to your community and don't always place the source of all your happiness within the joint family structure. Life is too big and great and yet all too short to be depressed and angry all the time (some of the time is justified).

Anyhow, my two cents (or two dollars...)