Relationships  Discussion Forum

To all DILs,


When a woman marries , she thinks that she has found her soulmate....ek jeewansathi - the one who would always love her, take care of her & always be with her during her good & bad times, but what should a woman do if her husband starts hurting her emotionally, lets her suffer alone by not providing any emotional support/comfort, by holding her responsible for all the problems ? Girls, this is happening with me....I truly believe that my hubby is a nice man, but when his parents come into the picture, I just don't exist for him. I feel he treats me like a Rubber-Doll, who is supposed to smile all the time and doesn't have any feelings. I don't know whether he is doing this knowingly or unknownigly but the end result is that I am deeply hurt.

I and my in-laws live in different cities in India. My problem is not uncommon- am having a very tough time in maintaining a good relationship with my in-laws. Due to them, we ( I & my Hubby ) fight pretty often and its ruining our married life( Ofcourse my hubby would never agree with me). I try my level best not to bring their topic between us, but they never leave a chance to create tension between us. For the past few days, I have started feeling that their interference, their habbit of criticizing me, their controlling nature and my husband's BLIND FAITH in them are making me distant from my husband. I had a lot of respect for my husband earlier, but lately I have been noticing that he just can not speak against his parents.....rather he expects me not to utter a single word against them. I feel, he is like a puppet in his parents' hands- ofcourse he would call it love !! This is changing the impression that I had in my mind about my husband....I feel like he is being too WEAK in front of his parents. I used to think that he is a strong & balanced man , has lot of courage to handle things, but slowly I observed that basically he can not open his mouth in front of his mom-dad...no matter how wrong they are ! And I am more hurt -beacuse he doesn't want to listen to my view point. Every time I say anything about them- he just flares up & stops communicating with me...now I have stopped discussing this issue with him. I know its of no use.....it only worsens the siutuation between me & my hubby. I cry a lot when I am alone...I miss my home, my family. In short - he has shut my mouth , but he can not shut his parents mouth- who constantly nag & criticize me.


Please girls help me - tell me how should I interpret my husband's personality- On one hand he appears to be a very loving & caring husband (especially when he is in a good mood). He often says that he loves me & I believe him too... he takes good care of me when I am sick ,he takes me for shopping, movies, restaurants, his friend's places....but at the same time he hides many things from me like-I have seen him talking to his mom-dad privately ,sending them gifts /cheques/MOs etc without my knowledge. His mom once made a very very painful comment about me which I came to know later- and he didn't bother to tell me.. rather he lied to me that his mom didn't say such a thing- And I know for sure that his mom did make that statement. Whenever I ask him whether his parents said such & such thing- he always denies it and says its all in my mind, but I know for sure that he has always hid the facts from me....this is what I don't understand that why he has to lie to me ?? Why can't he be honest with me ? I have tried talking to him in various manners, tried explaining to him...I have requested to him many times to be truthful with me regarding this matter ....but he wouldn't listen. I think I am slowly loosing the trust upon him- as far as this issue is concerned- but he is least bothered.

I and my hubby otherwise get along okay - but the minute I talk about his mom-dad( even if it is a casual conversation), the whole atmosphere changes in our house....he would start blaming me directly or indirectly. He thinks that his mom-dad are PERFECT people....they can never do or say anything wrong. Eventually this leads to an aurgument and we end up fighting. And this has been happening very frequently now a days.....I feel terrbily hurt . I understand that its difficlut to admit parent's mistake- but what is the logic behind hurting my feelings, does he get any kind of satisfaction by talking rudely with me ? And why do I have to take this crap - all because his parents don't like me ??? Tell me- Am I expecting too much- all I want is just a few words of sympathy & support from my husband, may be a hug when I am hurt due to his parent's behavior and actions...but see the irony- he always doubles my pain :( - by making me feel responsible for all this mess. He never ever admits that his parents have been so unreasonable in the past.

I am treated like a stranger in their house, although they would never admit that. His mom keeps track of everything that is going on in our house right from my maid's name, her salary, my routine, my friends names , whom I talk to...and its pointless to say that my husband is the one who passes on this info to my MIL. She asks him very smartly about me and my hubby inncocently tells her everything . If my parents (by any chance) ask about my or my husband's well being then my MIL tells me that they should not interfere in our life...they should learn to maintain the privacy. But doesn't the same rule apply to my MIL as well- who wants to know everything about us ??? In my sasural, no one bothers to discuss anything with me...forget about discussing , I am not even told.

Deep inside my heart, I know my husband is a nice person.....but there is drastic change in his personality when his mom-dad make entry. Somehow, I am not able to accept the fact that he has no courage to point out his parent's mistakes. I wouldn't have felt so bad if he had been fair to both the parties....but he listens to his parents nasty & sharp comments and doesn't say a word....and when I have the same issues, he behaves with me so rudely and asks me to keep mum.

I love my husband but this WEAK side of his personality is changing my feelings towards him. I am really sad & hurt and don't know what to do ? I sincerely hope that things get better soon.

I would like to hear other's comments too. All DILs out there, please share your experiences and tell me how do I tackle this situation. I want to become emotionally stronger - what should I do ? Give me suggestions. boby replied. I'm asking you that question so that you realize you don't have a whole lot of options, here. They are: Be something you cannot be. Deny the pain you feel inside. Respond to your husband's verbal expressions of anger in a way which is impossible for you.
Be true to yourself. Be who you are. Be real, genuine, and authentic. Trust what you see, hear and know to be true. Trust your gut.
Luckily for you, you are learning all about psychology and about how complicated human beings are! This will help you understand that when you say, \";I feel like I am a child again when he talks to me like this,\"; this is because - dynamically - you are a child. You are reacting to not only to your husband's insensitivity and rudeness, but also to the projection of the other dominant males you have known - sort of a triple-whammy of abuse. The fact that this has a lot to do with your history - that you \";curl up into a ball on the inside\"; and are \";afraid to breathe\"; - makes it be your responsibility (to change). The problem is yours, not your husband's. But that doesn't mean you should tolerate his abuse, either. In fact, if you decide to work on these self-esteem issues in therapy, your husband's personality traits will become useful for you. As you learn to set limits and boundaries with him, you will do a lot to address the abuse issues of your past. He will become your setting-limits-with-verbal-abusers \";guinea pig\";. By learning how to have strength, dignity and self-respect in your relationship with him, you will confront all of the fear and intimidation of your childhood. (Projection works both ways.)
I suspect that it's not coincidental at all that you stopped drinking and then discovered the intense feelings you have inside. Drinking diverted you from feeling these emotions so that you acted out; now you must sit tight and feel this hurt, which will guide you. By writing to an online counselor, you proactively invested in yourself and your own reality. Please consider getting into ongoing therapy, which will really speed up your recovery. You are on a wonderful and very hopeful path towards self-knowledge and self-acceptance.

Congratulations on your career goals, too. Working through these difficult self-worth issues will make you be more effective at whatever you focus on in psychology (or in life).

Good luck,
athidhy at msn dot com Kirthi replied. Thank you very very much girls...I sincerely appreciate your efforts...your replies have given me some hope & most importantly a direction.....I think I am able to decide a few things after reading your responses.

Now, I have realized this is my own battle and I have to fight it alone....there are very few husbands who would support their wives ( by the way, my FIL is an exception :-) ) . After being married for almost 4.5 years, I have figured out that my-laws are very self-centered people. They always see the glass half empty-means they are never satisfied....whatever you do for them, you just can not please them..... they are full of negative energy....I don't understand why they can't see the positive attributes in other person....sometimes I feel like my MIL has done her P.hD. in Criticism. She always focuses on the bad things in life- if she meets a woman for the first time- then she would criticize about her looks, her dressing sense, her way of talking and the list goes on....so I guess this is her basic personality , but the problem is hubby dear doesn't understand or may be doesn't want to !

Rekha- yeah I agree with you...ignoring them is the best thing to do ..I liked when you said \";when u know ur shortcomings (subconciously) u try and potray the other person worse off so that u come out looking good!!! \"; - I feel this describes best my MIL's personality ..she is that type...she has so many weaknesses but she is always busy finding faults in others and sometimes she accusses other people for those mistakes which she herself has been doing for all her life.

And you are 100% correct- my husband wants me to like his parents and I totally understand his view point & and I agree with that too....and may be that is the reason that he is not telling me anything about those nasty comments beacuse they might make me hate his mom-dad more & more. But when you see from my point of view- I feel cheated.....I always look upto my husband as my only support , but when he lies to me, just to maintain his parents image, I feel totally helpless & alone- and that hurts me the most.

Yes...by the grace of God...so far everything else is fine in my marriage.. I will follow your advice and won't bring up this topic again and will try to ignore my in-laws's mean comments. Thanks again Rekha !

Dear Friend- Yes I know our husbands are in worse situation than us and it is true that they have to listen to their mom-dad also and my hubby has already been labelled as \";joru ka gulam\";...and I really feel bad when they say this....but trust me , he has done so much for his parents that is beyond my imagination. He has truly been a loving & caring son to his parents....and I used to admire this quality but when I saw his parent's real faces, my feelings changed . I have seen on many occassions how his mom takes undue advantage of her son( my husband), just becuase he blindly believes her ! She knows very well how to control her son emotionally- if she wants to get something done then she would give hints, or tell him others example or something like that...and then hubby dear melts and does excatly what his mom dictates. Like the other day my MIL called and told her son- \";pata hai beta, humari neighbor Mrs Tiwari ne naya generator le liya...aajkal light bahut jati hai tho unke bete ne paise bhijwa diye....maine tho Mrs Tiwari ko bol diya, hum tho apne bachhe ko pareshan nahi karthe...jaise taise garmi mein time pass kar lethe hain\"; ....then you can guess what would have happened-the very next day hubby dear sends Rs.50 K to my in-laws and then MIL calls again and says- arre beta kyun bheja paise...humne tho tere se kuch nahi manga tha.\"; !!!! And you know girls- I don't mind if my husabnd sends gifts, cash etc.....I feel bad that I am not even told ! This makes me distant from everyone in their house...including my own husband. And MIL gets her way so smartly & strategically.

Dear saheli- you have actually spoken my words....even I was having the same thought that may be with years & years after spending with me, he would start trusting me....may be he will change after we have our own family....he may feel more for me. ...but again there is no guarantee...his MOM has programmed him in such a way, that at present, it looks difficult to change his thought process. And I have a fear, by the time he realizes it may be too late...it may not matter to me then. You are right- this is our battle ...we should not even think of husband's support....it took me years to learn this fact. I can make out from your response that you are defintely hurt but at the same time you have become stronger ...and I like the way you encourgaed me to handle the situtaion on my own. I should not expect any support/sympathy from him regarding this matter.

Dear Priya...I've been married for 4.5 years now. I got married when I was just 22....I was so naive at that time, I would simply believe what others would tell me. In the first 2 years of my marriage, I used to keep quiet and suffer silently. I wouldn't say a word if I didn't like something ...I would just cry in the bathroom and vent out my frustration....but slowly I started loosing patience...I couldn't tolerate my in-laws selfish behavior...they used to make up stories, they had lied too ...I had so much respect for them....I used to really like my MIL ....infact I used to discuss everything with her , but when I came to know that they were badmouthing about me at my back...I lost all love & respect for them. They are our elders but I am sorry to say that their actions/behavior make them so small.

You have given me the right advice- I shouldn't waste my time & energy thinking about them....infact I should try to keep myself happy & cheerful. I was laughing after reading one of your lines about \";going crazy\"; :-) .

I want to say thanks again to all of you...for your precious advices. If you have something more to tell me then I would love to hear your views.

Lots of love & luck,
Kirthi rekha replied. Yes..it is asking to much for an Indian man to admit his parents r wrong. They r brought up to beleive that the parents r everything...and can NEVER be wrong.
Listen dear, just ignore their behaviour. I know..it is v v v hard...but by getting worked up and confronting, u r ruining u'r marriage. What for, they r getting what they want...to spoil u'r day. Just forget about them. If they say something nasty or hurtful about u or u'r parents...it doesn't make u or u'r parents that does it?
This is how it works..my fil is v money minded...very stingy and so doesn't like to travel/eat out etc..but my parents on the other hand r opposite..and they spend lot of money and make at least one major annual trip. But at the end of the day I have heard my hubby or his parents call my parents stingy just because they didn't do something or buy something (hello..heard the phrase live in u'r budget!!!) Anyway..what I'm trying to say is that when u know u'r shortcomings (subconciously) u try and potrey the other person worse off so that u come out looking good!!!
The more u try to make u'r husband admit that his parents r wrong..the more he will try to defend them. Frankly i see it as a good sign that he not telling u nasty stuff that his parents r saying...why should he..u'r relations r strained. He wants u to like them...by telling u or admitting they said that..he is making u hate them more...and that's not what he wants. He can not control what they say..he can defend u...and i'm sure he must be..althoug he might not admit that. But see it is a circle again..If he defends u too much then his parents will say biwi ke jaduu mai agya hai!! So he might just be keeping quite. U need to realise...he knows that his parents r Wrong..or shouldn't say things like that..but he will not admit it or say anything aboutit to u. If everything else in u'r marriage is fine...my advice..just DO NOT TALK ABOUT HIS PARENTS. Let that become a taboo topic.
Everytime something they say bothers u..just ignore ignore ignore. u need to take the first step taking them out of u'r marriage. Be nice to them when u meet them..Keep u'r distance and live u'r life happly with u'r husband. Let u'r husband tell them whatever he wants to. U tell u'r parents whatever they want to. Tell them not to have conversations about u with u'r in laws.
Hope this helps Friend replied. Hi Kirthi,
These husbands are like that. But you know they are in worse situation than us. Just try to think from his side. If he will take your side, he has to listen not only from his parents but from all the relatives too \";shaadi ke baad yeh badal gaya hai, ekdum joru ka gulam ho gaya hai\";. Would you be able to take it? I know if they bitch about you or your family , it is very hard to take it. But speaking about it to your husband doesnt help. You are pushing him more and more close to his family. Speak out your frustration to your friend/sibling/parents. If you wont say anything about his parents, he will realize one day that why my parents always bitch about her when she is so nice. Try to be bit diplomatic, be (pretend) extra nice in front of his parents in his presence (sorry to say, but playing this politics is very imp). Give some good gifts on some ocasions. See if this works.

All the best. vikram replied. Hi, please read \";Practical Hypnotism\"; book by Dr. Narayan Dutt Shrimali, its just 75/-. Also you can try mantra sadhana listed in sadhana section on www. siddhashram. org. Also try to get husband into spiritualism. Please join yahoo group issplist, and spiritual group, if you post your problem there,you will get answer. Possibly try to get guru-diksha. There are thousand brothers on this yahoo group to help you. Just give a try. By reading practical hypnotism you will come to know that how to dominate others. saheli replied. All I can say is that your husband will develop some sense of maturity regarding his parents after years and years of living with you. But by that time it won't matter to you anymore. Once he has kids and feels like a family with you, then maybe he will see and understand your outlook but it will take time. Best is to ignore his family coz anyway they are not living with you so thank god for that. Dealing with your MIL is your battle so learn to tackle her on your own. Don't involve your husband. Remember you will have to fight your own battles, can't rely on your husband for sympathy or anything. You will end up getting hurt.
My in-laws live with us here in the US. I use to look for my husband's support to tackle them but did'nt see any help coming. Then I decided to handle her on my own.Its still a drain on my energy but I have just learnt to ignore her mostly. Sometimes when she talks to me, I don't even respond. I just walk away without replying.
Now after having 2 kids and 10yr of marriage, my husband shows some support sometime. But mostly if I tell him how mean his mom was, he will be extra nice to her.
He tries to be affectionate and all now, but I give a damn. They ruined our relatioship anyway and it does'nt matter anymore. I just worry about my kids and have fun with them.
So get some coping strategy and slowly you will also learn to deal with your MIL's comments.
Take Care priya replied. Hi,

I was going thru ur message ...though I hardly respond to these threads i couldnt stop myself after reading ur message ... The best solution to this is Ignore them. I know its difficult but you should make it a practise .. And never nag to your hubby about his mom. This will only make him closer to them more ..
Just dont talk about them ...Act as if they dont exist in your and your spouses life.
Slowly after few days it become a habit not to talk about them.
If you complain abt them , it only makes ur hubby more angry, as no son/daughter like to criticise their parent.

Disclaimer : This is just my opinion and what worked for me ...But every situation is diff ...so think and act