Relationships  Discussion Forum

I really don't know where to start and I know this is a strange situation. Hopefully you will have some advice for me. I have 2 children (from my first husband) and I am expecting a third soon to my new husband. I don't know if I will sound petty but some things have been bothering me and I wondered if by sharing these worries and doubts you might be able to help me out in decifering those which are silly and helping me to see a way to correct the problems that need to be addressed.

Basicly my husband came to live with us as I had children and an established home so it seemed the best decision. Since then I am financially responsible for ALL our living costs, home, food, utilities... Each and every bill for the running of this home I pay for. My hubby works in a good job but I know his income is slightly over 3 times what I earn. His family worry about how much he spends on 'raising my family' but he doesn't tell them that it is WE who totally support him. Every cent he earns he keeps. Also he does not help with house work in anyway, that is all my responsibility and I do it all alone.

I think he should take an active role in raising my children, or I assumed so. I know I would happily take on the role of step parent in his position but he seems to only want this in theory. He offers no help at bathtime or bed time. No help with homework or even an offer to play games with the kids. Half the time the kids are ignored by him. This bothers me, I feel he should be taking some kind of initiative in trying to be a parent to my children especially now that we've one of our own on the way. I dont mean to say he should replace their dad but shouldn't he be acting in a similar way to a father?

This is really bugging me. Am I being silly? I spent $1000 buying everything we need for the new baby, toys, bottles, nappies, clothes, cot, pram,car seat etc and he's not contributed anything to the costs. He buys things like mag wheels for his car, computer things like a new lap top (he has a desk top also) mobile phones (he now has 3 top of the range phones and a PDA to link them all) and other 'boys toys'. I buy the childrens presents for birthdays and christmas and he does not get them anything.

I tried talking with him about helping out but he says he must pay his aunt back for some money he borrowed from her. The amount was small just over $3000 and with his wage and the fact he has NO expenses it should have taken him no more than one month to have that amount saved. I dont like this post sounding like its all about money money money but it is a bit of a problem. By the time I pay the bills and such I have no money left for savings at all and I think that if he would just help a little I would feel better. If he can't help now and if I am unable to save anything for a rainy day or the kids future what will happen if there is a financial emergency??

I have been sick recently and I've been too busy to get to the doctors. I do not sleep well as I am coughing all night and breathing is very difficult. I had an asthma attck the other day and was rushed to the doc who then suggested I be admitted to hospital as I have a bad case of pneumonia and being heavily pregnant has made the doctor worry all the more for my health.

My husband STILL does not help with the kids. I was so sick that I couldn't even make them breakfast friday morning so my 7 year old made a sandwich for him and his younger sibling. Hubby decided he needed sleep in. But when hubby had a head cold recently and that is all it was, he stayed in bed a week and I had to bring him food and drink and even prepare his bath. I am on a lot of medication to try to treat the asthma and pneumonia but I am tired and run down, one side effect of the asthma drug is vomiting and when I was in the bathroom being sick I called to hubby as I wanted some help. I was wearing only a towel (i'd just showered) and bearly managed to call his name out in between being sick, coughing and trying to catch a breath... I wanted him to close the door for me because the kids were really upset seeing me like that and I just couldn't get up to do it myself. Hubby was playing around with his computer and told me I would have to wait until he finished installing new softwear!!!!

I have tried talking to him and his response is that it takes time for everyone to learn their place and how to fit in. He is trying to do that and he will work harder but there is never ever any change. He does what he likes, goes where he likes, buys what he likes and contributes absolutely nothing to this home. I see no benifit in him being here aside from having an extra mouth to feed and extra clothes to wash. But he says I am not looking at things right...

I feel like I am going insane. Am I being every bit the selfish woman he says I am or is he selfish like I believe. Comments? Advice? Thoughts? Help? Anything you can offer me would be so appreciated. How do I deal with this? He just is never there when I need him. He goes on and on how he took me for an ultrasound recently for our baby to be, which he says should show me HOW VALUABLE HE IS TO THIS FAMILY, and really i can't see how it was that taxing for him. When I had the asthma attack the other day he didn't take me to the docs, NO! He was 'busy' so a friend took me. I feel let down in so many ways.

It is like he has gone from being a child of his parents to something like being my own child to raise and with none of the cuteness. There is no equality here, if something needs doing I must get it done because he wont. I just can not live like this. If he is not at work he is off in the room playing with his computers or phones or watching movies, so we don't really notice if he is here or not. I asked him tonight to move out. I said that he needs to do some growing and that it just is not happening here.

I hope that if he goes he will realise what it is he expects from our family. If he wants to be a part of it than he needs to fuction with in it and be an active member rather than someone who lives here free of cost and acts like he is a cherished guest of a hotel. I just don't know what else to do. I've spoken to him gently, I've written him letters, I've suggested, coaxed, begged, cried, pleaded and even lost my temper and raised my voice. I cant do any more.... I just cant. ruchika seth replied. hi, i read your problem. honey, your probem is something hat has a very obvious solution...please divorce him. the kind of a person i am, i would have never suggested a thing like this. but your situation is such that if you have a bit of self-respect, in fact common sende, then you should kick him out. and one more thing, i felt that you blame ourself too much, even when you are not at fault, and think too low about yourseld, you re not at all confident about your own conclusions and judgement. please don't let that happen to yourself...the way you kept on saying, may be its pregnancy hormones playing with you, may be you're selfish, not him, am i sounding too cheap by making money an issue. dearest, what he's doing is using you through and through, and you're letting him do it, and still doubting your own good judgement. please don't lose confidence in yourself. by the way, to reply to yuo is the only reason i made my log-in id coz i felt you're one innocent person, losing all faith in yourself, and others too are confusing you, and as a woman, its my duty to make you realise that a person (especially a woman) calls for trouble, when he loses faith in oneself and allows others to take them for granted.....please respect yourself...atleast as a human being...and KICK HIM OUT (without any explanations...there is no need...he wouls know) scared wife replied. Hi All,

Thanks for the advise you have given me. All marriages have their problems especially early on while trying to get to know each other fully. I feel quite emotional and think that is due in part to the pregnancy but I do believe that we have problems that must be corrected now before its too late. Why allow resentment to turn into hate?

At the moment my husband is no longer living here, I have given many second chances but as soon as he thinks he can stay he changes back to what he was so I insisted he go. We're talking a lot about what we each want from the marriage and he seems to be changing. He wants to come home but I am just waiting until he is certain, it is too soon for decisions.

I didn't mean to complain heavily about the financial side of things and yes I can support us on my income comfortably but I do think saving is important. I wouldn't mind if I kept paying the expenses if only he would save for our future rather than wasting his pay on gadgets. I thank you all for the time you gave to my problems and appreciate your help. I'm coping quite well with the situation at hand and feel very relaxed no matter what the future holds.

Sunshine replied. hi scared wife,
I don't understand this mentality of men. But i can tell you one thing. u may have to work a bit harder, live more tight fistedly, keep a sitter, but you'd still have your peace of mind. U are definately better of without a self-centred, ego maniac, over grown baby, (without the cuteness!)
Wish you all the best honey!
Love,
S scared wife replied. Hi Radha,

Yes we spent a long time talking about how in marrying me he would be taking on more than most new husbands. We'd talked extensively about his responsibilities towards my children. I do understand how this must be a huge challenge for him and it is a lot to have taken on but he's just not doing that. We courted for over 2 years before we chose to marry and then bam... He's a different man. Thanks for the comforting words and encouragement Radha. radha replied. I want to know before you got married did you tell him what you expect from this second marriage.if so why is not accepting your childrens.I feel very sorry for you.please donot lose mind as all this issue will affect your child.please be brave and courageous.donot worry.Sometime when his own baby is born things may change.God will bless you.I shall pray for you.Be happy