Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi There,

I hope u all know my case....I with my husband visited India in june/2005 after 2 years of our marriage(no kids).I was about to stay with my parents till Oct 2005..but he had to go back to US with my MIL within a week in june.For this 1 week time period we both stayed at my MIL's place.. I 'left my hubby at Mil's' due to huge fight between MIL,SIL and my parents. Immidiate cauze was my SIL trying
leave me home and making a plan with my hubby to go out shopping to which I revolted and he took my SIL's side and broke all his commitments which he had done to me in US before arriving India.

1. He had promised me my jwellery back from my SIL's locker which she had taken from me 2years back few days of my marriage.She refused to give
them back to me and so did he...
2. He had promised me that 1 day we will go out all alone and do some shopping for our house and self.Which he never did instead my SIL
made a program leaving me home...

I had already suffered lots of this in those 2 yrs from everyone in his family that it was high time for me to break all that silence and injustice going on for such a long span..i was just tired of being mum....The thing which hurt the most was not my
inlaws saying bad things but my hubby who always suspected me for not respecting his parents and
me trying to break his relation with his family..

I could have suffered more for the rest of my life
...had I got his faith..
He always called me kid and immature and never had any respect for my decisions or anything I did..
Always i used to find him giggling with my Sil(i have 2 sil,one in Delhi and other in US)

on phone and later passing sarcastic comments on my dresses choice,my family,my cooking .....
and each and every thing we do, was discussed with her at the end of day...

My mil also accompanied US for sx months straight after we got married.There was no honeymoon and no outing even for 2 days for both of us alone..

He was never interested or excited about our relationship..She had all restrictions on me and made my life hell..(did't allow me go out alone,not allowed to wear slippers in my bedroom,not allowed to cook anything which my husband doesn't like,not allowed to move thing in the house,not allowed to make tea for him,not allowed to sit with my husband while he is eating
and lot more...)

Whenever i used to talk about this to husband ...he would say she is old so bear with her its matter of six months...After she left she used to cry on phone that i didn't give her any respect and she will not visit him in US ever because of me He was also speaking the same language.

It was only me dragging this relation on my shoulders.

When I came home with my parents after this huge fight my mom was too shocked for few day to see me cleaning stuff all the time, keeping quiet all the time..She said that I had changed a lot and I was not the same person as I used to be before marriage...

2 months have passed at my home in India and now i am feeling much better ..Got a hair style changed I have joined BEd. made new frnds and I have really started liking my good old days back again...I don't even think of what i had been thru for these 2 yrs..Frankly I don't want to go back again...My parents don't want to go either..
But somewhere in my heart I miss my husband and wish if I had his company...
Well when i see the cost which I have to pay I am scared!!!
He and his family need a 'literate maid' and I need husband and his love.

He has also not made any contact till date..What should i do?

Manisha.


Noname replied. I'm a newly married guy (1.5 years)whose wife has had problems like the one you're facing. From reading your posts, it seems like you both split up over one incident that got blown up beyond proportion.
I think it would be a good idea for you to call up your hubby and tell him that you want him to come to your parents' place where you're staying now and talk to you. This saves face for both of you. If he is reluctant, try to persuade him. Dont give up if he just says no.

As for your problems with MIL and SILs, you dont need to take their abuse. If they ask you to do something you dont like, just say \";No\";. If they insist, tell them that you wont do it and get out of the room. Refuse to talk to them about it any further.
If they actively abuse you or harass you, show your anger and fight back rather than telling your husband about it and expecting him to take action. Your husband would be much more comfortable with you fighting them by yourself rather than expecting him to fight with his parents for you. He has lived with them and loved them all his life and it is unreasonable to expect him to fight them. But I dont think he would object too much if you do the fighting yourself. He may express some displeasure..but just tell him that \";If they treat me right, I'll treat them right\"; and leave it at that. In time he will understand.
As for your husband spending too much time talking to his sisters, frankly, that is not your business. I am sure he loves his mother and sister and you cannot tell him how long he can talk to them on the phone. Same thing goes for him. He cannot tell you how long you can talk to your family.
It looks like you still have feelings for your husband. Please dont put yourself through the pain of divorce.
seema replied. hello Virginia Gal replied. Your story is so amazing and uplifting. I can't believe he has not tried to contact you in all this time. Obviusly he lost big time in this. He is the loser. And remember, you didn't leave him. He left you. He chose to leave you. In life we have to balance our priorities in life, and obviously, he still had his umblical cord attached to his belly. His family was his priority and he chose them over you, to put you through so many cruel and unrelenting tortures of his side of the family. Maybe now he does not see it, but a long time after now, he will possibly realize all that he lost.

You are so lucky that your parents and family are so supportive. And you are even luckier that it did not take you 4 years instead of 2 years or 6 or 10 years instead of 2 years to realize what kind of a creep and jerk he really was to make you suffer like that and cry like that everyday and to treat you like crap. And you are even luckier that you did not have children with him, living with you now, in your family's home.

You are only 25. You have your whole life ahead of you. You have the rest of your youth, what is left of it, to recapture the rest of your beautiful life. You have a head of long hard learned lessons and a heart that is strong and independent and a mind that is set on what it wants to do. Make the best of your life and thank your Creator for everything you have been blessed with since you left him. You are really so lucky you have left him when you did. One more year and you could have been driven mad, another year and you could have had a child with him and been more depressed then ever. But instead, you are ONLY 25, young, and loved by your family, and ready to recapture the rest of your youth and the rest of the long life God-willingly that awaits you.

In losing him, you have found yourself. Losing him is not what counts. It is you that has been found! The old happy you.

Remember:
It wasn't meant to be.
So I have to set him free.

Pray to God to guide you always in your relegion and life. And thank him!

Rashmi replied. Hi Mani,

Good to know you are doing great. You are so lucky to have such supportive parents.

You seem to be a very strong person. Your husband has to display some strength and courage himself. If he cannot stand up for himself and for you in front of his parents, then the situation may not really improve.

Do enjoy your freedom some more. And yes you have to live your life for yourself. Simti replied. Hi Mani
I read all about you and your stories after marriage. I really feel sorry for that. It makes me think whihc my mom used to say that \";marriage is like gambling\";. You don't know what is stored for u even if u have talked to that person many times.

Well, I really apreciate the way you r taking things. It looks like that you mil has a very strong hold on all her children. she didn't want anyone ot break that bond. BUT I must say that what u r thinking is absolutely right. I don't know how old r u but even if u r big in age, it's still a wise decision to wait for his reply for year(rathre u should not give him a year, six months should be enough) then file a divorce case. Don't worry about the society, \";kuch to log kahengai, logo ka kaam hai kehna\";. but do what is good for you.

Good luck

simti rekha replied. Society doesn't have to bear u'r marriage..so plz plz plz don't do anything becasue society expects u too. Tommorrow if u decide to remarry they will have forgetten everything about u'r divorce.

I have one simple question..in the time that u have stayed at u'r parents have u guys even talked? Why I am asking is...that if he really loves u and wants u back..he would atleast be calling to see how u r doing. 2 yrs married is no joke..that is a good amt of time to develop feelings for someone. Sometimes male egos hold them back..but they give little hints. If that is the case then I would ask u to try and salvage the marriage..but if u feel there is no feelings on his side..then u need to move on. As for missing him...we all want someone to lean on for emotional bits and physical side.
Pls do what will make u happy in the long run MANU replied. I know exactly what you are going through -- I've been there. I really don't know why 90% of Indian men are so spoiled. I have walked through all the things you explained and even more since I had twins through C-Section during the first year of our marriage without any emotional or physical support what so ever from my hubby. I can't forgive him for that ever in my life. After all, what did I want from him at that time? Just a few words of encouragement, a few hugs and kisses. My love for him stopped me from leaving him. I put up with a lot. I used to pray for strength to keep going on for my babies. After 4 years of marriage, my life looks better. He gradually started appreciating me for my hard work.
Since your case is different I sincerely suggest that you don't apologize for anything. Things will get worse if you do so. I think your decision is right. Apologizing without any fault of ours has made us look weak in front of men. I really think you deserve better. I wish you all the best for a happy future. Just focus on your self for the time being. I think that your love for your husband is true and I hope he will realize your significance in his life before it is too late. Enjoy your life as it is now and be strong as usual. Good luck ! Q replied. Hi there!

Good to see you are doing well, I remember having replied to you sometime back and was more than curious to see how you have handled it.

as was my opinion then, did you leave both you families out of this and try counselling? if you still love your husband then their must be some part of him that was nice.what is he doing these days anyways??

try a sincere approach. Love wins like nothing other! dont be afraid to apologise. after all your married to the man. but all this if you see some point in the relationship. He is not going to come running to you leaving all (but i sure hope he does!!) you must be prepared to live with the same family and same problems and learn how to handle them better.

make a sincere effort to patch up(its never too late) or else if you think no point then take knife and just cut up the strings.